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Hi Rhonda, New Treadmill-that sounds fun. I think a lot of people have been purchasing indoor exercise equipment lately! I am glad that you see the negative traits in Robin. Do you find that doing so helps you move on and more forward? Any new developments on Zoosk?
Kanya
Hi Rose, I am sorry to hear that his indecision continues. I can understand why this is confusing and frustrating for you.
I went back and read through the messages and noted that onn December 5 you shared that he said he wanted to work things out. That was just 10 days ago. So, can you think of anything that has occurred since then that may have affected him. I encourage you not to think in terms of what you did ‘wrong” because he is responsible for his behavior and choices. I think it may be time to set some boundaries with him. It doesn’t seem fair that he says he is trying to work things out with you while also dating someone else. Does it feel like every time things start to go well between the two of you he pulls away or starts to spend time with this other person? Do you think he is still upset by what you said in your last argument? Does he show signs of indecision in other areas of his life as well?
Kanya
Hi Theresa, Thanks for opening up and sharing more. I to wonder if there is still some processing or letting go to do with that relationship? Perhaps you can start to do some journaling so that you can write out any thoughts, feelings, or beliefs related to that time in your life that might be affecting you now as it is time to let go of the past. I also wonder if there was anything in your childhood that ever made you feel invisible or like you were not a priority for someone you wanted and needed attention from?
You mention something above about that last relationship that I think is also present in your current relationship:
“I could not just see the way he loved me, because I wanted him to love me differently.” Do you see how this may be happening currently? Things start to go well and the two of you are connecting and then after a few weeks you begin to doubt him again and the two of you argue about the reality of the situation. What if you learn to provide comfort and reassurance to yourself as these feelings arise? Remind yourself that while he is divorcing he can’t really be there for you at times. That has nothing to do with his feelings for you. It is really about him needing to survive this divorce and heal. He has been sharing what he has with you but sometimes you need more and he won’t be able to give you more. Guess what? That happens in ALL relationships. Every single one of them. Navigate this is one of the most important skills we can develop in life. There is a great book that will help you learn more about this. It’s called “How to be an adult in Relationship.” The author talks about how we can only give our partners about 30% of all that they need in life. I know, that seems so small compared to what we are taught in our society about everlasting love. Instead of getting angry with our partners for not doing more, we learn to engage with family, friends, community to get those needs me. As we learn to be realistic about our expectations of our partners we learn to focus on the love that is there versus the love we want to be there.I’m also sensing that you are missing the physical affection that may be your love language. How can you ask for that while also allowing him to have his space at times? If you approached him in a fun and creative way do you think he would be more receptive than if you are disappointed or angry?
Kanya
zHi Rose, I am so glad to hear that Dave is open to improving your communication. I think that your fist goal is to get more voice to voice time by talking on the phone. At this stage it doesn’t really matter how it starts, just that you talk. I think that after your texting last night it makes sense to text Dave and suggest some different options this week to talk o the phone. When you do talk, focus on fun connection as well as improving your listening skills! My sense is, over time, as he sees the changes in your communication style, he will feel more safe and will be open to taking more. Recognize that it is moving slowly because he has some concerns that communication will deteriorate. I think the best way to proceed is to take it slowly and show him that you have changed! Does that make sense?
One thing that could help you become a better listener is learning how to listen Empathically. Here is a link to the skill that you might find interesting;
https://www.mindtools.com/CommSkll/EmpathicListening.htm
When working with couples, I find this to be a highly effective way to listen and build trust!Kanya
Hi Tara, I am glad that you are feeling more centered. Men who are building their careers can be very single focused at times. IT sounds like he is in the prince mode as Alison Armstrong says, and he is busy building his kingdom. I think it is great hat you are aware of the connection to your marriage and how this is still affecting your confidence. Are you doing any journaling or reading any books on the subject? There is a great book that I really like called “The Self Confidence Workbook; a guide to Over coming Self Doubt and Improving Self Esteem.” by Barbara Markway, Ph.D. Many of my clients have worked through this over the years with great results. I’m also wondering what coping skills have been helping you over the years?
Kanya
Hi Jodie, Good for you for being open to meet someone new. It is not always easy to do so when we are sorting out our emotions about someone else. It was a real testament to respecting yourself and your goals. While we don’t feel connected to this new guy it is good to have the first date under your belt. It will get easier and the more you respect yourself the more likely it is to attract someone who respects you as well!
Have you ever sat down and written your Relationship Wish List? I find it helpful to identify what you really want and need in a relationship. If you identify the top 10 wants and needs and then honestly identify which of these is truly non-negotiable it can act as a road map for you as you move forward. You can then take that information and create a Vision Board for the type of relationship you are intent of creating. Here is a link regarding creating a Vision Board. Let me know if you do one!
Kanya
Hi Marilyn, What I meant was are you feeling attached to the idea that things will work out for the two of you? When we are ‘attached’ to an idea we may over focus on a situation or relationship going a certain way. Then, if things don’t more in tat direction or don’t move at the speed we want we can have an emotional response of confusion or disappointment. So seeing him as one of many different possibilities is what I recommend. One of my favorite ideas in relationship, career, anything really is ‘full participation with low attachment.” Meaning, we participate fully knowing that what we want may happen but if it doesn’t it is not a mistake – just a detour to something usually better than what we imagined. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Bonnie, Chemistry is an interesting thing. Some people experience it only with a partner, others report feeling chemistry, aka connection and synergy, with friends or family members. I the later there is not a romantic element to chemistry. Some people experience this and some do not. There are a lot things that can change chemistry. Sometimes romantic relationships run their course and chemistry changes. The chemistry and love you feel in a romantic relationship changes over time for most people. Love deepens and changes. Chemistry can and will keep people connected but since that disappaites, deeper feelings often replace chemistry. As we mature and grow throughout the course of our lives we want and need different things. What we are attracted to changes as well.
I can see that you are thinking a lot about your friends new relationship. He is doing what most people do when they fall in love and I agree that he is seeing the relationship through rose colored glasses. But this is his right and he will figure things out. Yes, they will both experience hurt and pain as happens in all and any relationship. I trust that he will make the decisions that are best for him. What if, instead of focusing on his future, you focus on yours? Right now it sounds as though your anxiety ad depression are playing a very large part in your day to day life. Are you in therapy weeks and getting support with this? While it is difficult for you to trust people, it seems like you need more support than you are getting. One of the benefits of Covid is that almost 100% of therapists are offering services virtually. That means that you can attend from the comfort of your own home. It is so easy and available now. I encourage you to build a bigger support team so that you are not as alone as you describe. Starting with a therapist, maybe a physical therapist to help with your past injuries, and growing from here would be a plan to start?
Kanya
Hi Jodie, I know this is difficult and I really give you credit for learning to close that door inside of yourself. One thing thing that woman sometimes do is make a decision to move on and then they ‘feel bad’ when the guy reaches out again with mixed messages. I want to give you permission to trust yourself and the past of you that has been thinking of letting this go for some time. If/when he contacts you, you aren’t being mean if you say no to him. On the contrary, you are being kind by giving him clarity and avoiding mixed signals. Your gut has been telling you for some time that you can’t be his friend. Keep trusting that part more and more and don’t let anything sway you from what you know is the right course of action for you! You’ve got this!
Kanya
Hi Marilyn, You have been busy! I love that you are moving forward and creating so many exciting changes in your life. I’m not sure if you work with kids and teens but given all of the remote learning kids are doing I know there is a huge need here for teachers to work with small groups of kids and do one on one tutoring.
I agree with Heidi in that waiting a bit longer is a good idea. I do want to check in and see if you are feeling any attachment to how things go? Remember, he is just one of many options out there. If things don’t move forward after you contact him how are you feeling about opening your heart to other options?
Kanya
Hi Shanon, ughhh. I am so sorry that he is handling this in such an immature way. I can understand why that would be confusing as this is not a side to him that you have seen in the past year. It is super confusing.
In response to your question, since we don’t really know what he is going through it is difficult to know how to proceed. I don’t think you really need his confirmation that things are over because his behavior is clearly telling you that he is not invested in this. Instead, why not take a big step back and stop all communication for several weeks. Let yourself grieve and accept the reality of the situation. I do think he will contact you at some point and may just act act though this did not happen. My question for you is, do you want this type of person in your life? He is being so cruel and inconsiderate with your heart. He as able to break things off the first time, it really would not have been difficult to talk to you if he was having second thoughts. Would you be able to trust him in the future? Of course, if/when he reaches out you will have the opportunity to respond but it is a good idea to think about those things now so you are more prepared if he reaches back out to you.
Kanya
Hi Trina, Welcome to the forum. We are so glad that you are here. First, congratulations on 34 years of marriage. This is a huge accomplishment! I’m so happy when ever I hear about a couple who has managed to navigate marriage for this long and still be connected.
This is a complicated situation and you are clearly placed in the middle. I suggest you make this not about you and your friend but rather the fact that he did the work and deserves to be paid for it. That way you are supporting him and letting him know that you value his time and his efforts and value his right to be paid for the job. Talk to him about this and give him some time to process. If he doesn’t care about this and still wants to send the money back then I would consider doing that. I know, that seems crazy, right? The thing is, I don’t want this to ruin your marriage. You have been for 34 years and it appears that you want to stay married. That may require you giving him this decisions in order to feel supported. I’m sure that both of you have had to compromise over the past 34 years. The reality is, couples fight about all aspects related to money. Your husband clearly feels as though you are choosing your friend over him. So, if you give him the option of giving the money back, my sense is it could make him feel like your priority. This might be all the the needs to accept the money and move on.
You haven’t mentioned it but I do wonder if he is pushing you to end your friendship with your bestie. If that does not work for you, then set that boundary. After talking about returning the money you can say something like “We have been married for 34 years and I love you and respect you. I am so sorry that you and my friend had this falling out. I realize you may never like her or accept her again. If you want me to give the money back I will because it is important to you. My friendship with her is important to me and I am not willing to give that up. I love you and I respect you but losing that friendship would be too much for me to loss.” Again, you get to decide where the line is for you and to trust that.
I’m curious, is this a common response for him in the marriage? Does he tend to get upset, a bit stubborn, and dig his heals in? If so, how have you successfully managed this dynamic in the past?
Kanya
Hi Jodi, So glad that what Heidi is sharing makes sense to you and is increasing your inner strength! I’m not sure when you are going to hear from him and set a boundary but we are looking forward to hearing how this goes. You have all of our support and you are going to do great! Keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, It sounds like you are giving so much to your job. Your employer and coworkers are really lucky to have you there! Please be sure to put you first in terms of self care AND taking some sort of break soon. Even if you can’t go home, make sure you have a few days off for some contemplation, exercise, sleeping and doing what even you like to do to feel rejuvenated and happy. Work will always be asking for more of you and while that is a comfort zone, taking care of you by taking a break also needs to be a comfort zone.
I love the message that you shared! Great job creating such a feminine and supportive message. Looking forward to hearing how it is received. I know some of the sites have been disappointing. Are you still utilizing other sites to meet people at this stage?
Kanya
Hi Nicole, You must be so confused and somewhat frustrated at this point. The bottom line is, this person doesn’t seem to know himself very well and he doesn’t seem to know what he wants. He is taking any steps to reconnect and forge a relationship with you. He is wishy washy in terms of being friends. One thing we can agree on – at his age he should be more together! I think that he would be happy continuing to move forward in a very ambiguous state with you. He would be there, but not really. He would be pulling away but never admitting it. Moving out of your life without explaining why. I am so sorry. This is a very painful situation to be in.
You shared that you don’t want to do anything that would push him away further but you are giving yourself far too much credit for his behavior. He is the one deciding to be distant, not you. You have been consistent and supportive and that is not making him change and not helping him figure things out. I think your priority at this point needs to be deciding if this is what you want. If you look at who he is right now, is this the person you want to be trying to create something with?
This man has a habit of not fully engaging, of dipping his toe int he pool then running away. From what you shared it sounds as though he has been doing this for years. In the past few months he has let you in more but then started to pull away after about 2 months. There are different stages to building a relationship and it sounds as though he can only really complete the initial stages before pulling back again. In the past he has sone something similar a few times but things never progressed to this stage. I think he is over thinking and really has a difficult time moving through his fears but he doesn’t even seem aware that this is happening for him.
There is a great book I would like you to read for you. It’s called “A Fine Romance” by Judith Sills. She does a great job describing the stages of a relationship and talking about how you move from stage to stage. The reason I say it is for you is so that you can learn more about what is going on and more about what you want. This man has been on hold for about a month. He still doesn’t know what he wants. I would guess that you think that if you pull back completely he will loss interest. Has that worked so far? If not, the I suggest you pull back more and consider setting some realistic boundaries with him. Something like “Seems like we are already back to the friend stage so maybe we just accept that. If things change for you in the future let me know.” Then, treat him like a friend-not you best friend. For the next month don’t initiate communication. If he texts you, give short responses, allow him to wait for a response. Basically give him what he is giving you. We know that what you are doing is not changing the situation, why not try something different to see if that does. Does that make sense?
Kanya
