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Hi Andrea, I am so sorry to hear that this has been your experience. I can’t imagine how frustrated you are with this pattern! I’m glad that you are here to get some ideas and some support.
This may be a pattern and it may be an interpretation of a pattern. Let’s look more closely. How many times has this occurred? And, how long has this pattern been present? Do these men show signs of being emotionally unavailable or is that something that occurs over time? When you see red flags are present, how do you respond to them?
So, with this last guy, what were the signs that he was not serious about being in a relationship?
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, That is a great question. Given that the two o you haven’t met face to face it is difficult to know what his personality is like. He could be displaying signs of neediness. He could also be interested and want to communicate some excitement with you. Does that make sense. There is a danger of emailing for too long before meeting. It can lead people to make decisions about who a person is prematurely. Then, when you do meet, expectations may not be met etc. That being said, do the two of you have a time set up to meet?
Kanya
Hi Zobeeda, I am so sorry. I can’t imagine how difficult all of this is for you and/or son. It sounds so crazy that this is occurring I can only imagine how difficult it is. It there any potential for conflict resolution in this case? Are there any peas organizations in your neighborhood that help communities. It just sounds like there is some upset with these people that we just don’t understand.
I’m sorry to hear that you feel like a prisoner. That is a common response when something lie this occurs. What do you think will help you feel stronger and more confident to live your lives again?
Kanya
Hi Amanda, I’m so glad that you are here. Wow, I am so sorry that things went this way. I will say that the type of beginning you describe will often end just as quickly. That being said, lets see i few can figure this out a bit.
It sounds as though you dated for about 5 1/2 months. Did you find that he as leading the speed of the courtship? Did he say he loved you quickly, talk about a future, act as though the two of you had been together for a much longer time. This behavior often occurs for someone who is recently separated and in the midst of a divorce. There is a desire to feel alive and deeply connected and in love when someone is leaving a marriage. We miss that experience of falling in love and many people find it comforting to know that is it possible to feel that way again. There are two potential challenges that come with his. First, the person getting divorced often opts out when any conflict or disagreement arises as they are emotionally fatigued by the discord they experienced at the end of a marriage and through the course of a divorce. The other reason is due to the fact that people in this situation also crave freedom and space so jumping in to a relationship too quickly can cause then to feel closed in. Do you think either of these is the case with your ex?
I really understand how difficult all of this can be and my heart goes out to you. I’m wondering how you have navigated break ups in the past? Have you found it difficult to let go or is this break up different? One things I will say is that because you fell so quickly you may have begun to rely on the relationship to feel good versus relying on yourself to feel good. It is easy to think that all of those yummy feelings are the result of being with someone else but that isn’t accurate. All of the yummy feelings are already since of you and there are many things that can help you get in touch with them, not just a relationship with this person.
Prior to dating this man what things brought you joy? Look back on the times your Single Life was the Happy Life. What brought you the most joy? What helped you to thrive?
Kanya
Hi Kendra, I am so glad that you are on the forum! You are dealing with an interesting situation. While it is impossible to know definitively if he will act this way again I will say that I think there is a good possibility that he will act in a similar way at some point. Since this occurred have you had any disagreements? Have you asked him to look at something he said or did the you found hurtful? I’m just wondering if you’ve seen him respond to any conflict or feedback in a positive manner.
What you describe is a really big response to what seemed to have occurred. He accused you of a lot of things, shut down, ignored you, got more angry, and eventually broke down and cried. While we all have areas of communication and conflict resolution we are working on, his reactions seem immature and extreme. I definitely wonder what will happen when stress arises or you have the need to talk things through. When he cried did he give any explanation for his behavior? Did he share any insights about himself and why he reacted that way? When did the two of you start dating initially?
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, Well done! I understand. It really is difficult to get to know someone until you have real face to face time. I acknowledge you for continuing to move forward. In addition to deal breakers have you made a list of must haves? I encourage all of my single clients to do so. Start by making a Top 10 list. What are the qualities/experiences that are important to you in a relationship? Then, put the list aside for a day or two. Come back and identify the Top 5 qualities from that list. Then a day or two later get it down to the Top 3. Those are the things that are absolutely nonnegotiable. This exercise can be done for jobs, new home, vacation plans, etc. If you have some time try it and let us know what you think!
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, I just really want to start by telling you how amazing you are doing! You are so open and are incorporating so much feedback. And learning so much about yourself-well done! Remember that all the things you are learning and all the ways you are growing will stay with you regardless of you being in a relationship!
I love your rewrite! You really got to the point and showed that you are open, fun, and adventurous! Well done! Let us know what sort of responses you get! And yes–you are awesome!
Kanya
Hi Padmini. You ask a great question; how do I change a persons nature from going distant? There are really two sides to this coin. First, you can’t change him. Second, you could influence him by giving him ore acceptance. Ultimately he needs to decide for himself when it is time to change. You mentioned that you are going on vacation. What if you go, have an amazing time, and don’t reach out to him? What if you just enjoy your time and feel happy, adventurous, and fun? You don’t need to wonder about him because he always comes back. And, as you shared in an earlier post, the time he spends in his cave is getting shorter. Often we need to take a step back to give someone the space to step forward.
Trust me, I know this can feel really scary. What if they don’t step forward, what if they continue to stay silent? Well, the reality is that is certainly a possibility. But, in my experience, men need to feel the space to reengage and reconnect. We also know that he deals with stress by going silent. At another time, when he is connecting to you perhaps say something like “I get that when you are stressed you are used to going into your cave. I support you in doing what ever you need to do to take care of yourself and I want you to know that I’m open to learning how I can support you when that is happening.” That is a really supportive and respectful way to say “I’m here, let me in” without actually saying that. Often, when a women makes this sort of offer a man will think about it and start to let her in a little at a time. Do you think you can try this?
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, Thanks for the check in! First of all, it is clear that you are spending a lot of time thinking abut this. Please, take a breath and use all those amazing skills you have learned to connect with yourself and calm yourself. Things are moving in such an amazing way. Yes, he is still shifting him mind set but his actions and intentions are clear. Trust that and know that this is gong to get to where it works for you both.
The good news is, he is wanting to chance and feeling frustrated that he hasn’t yet changed. For most guys, one they have had a few drinks with their mates and are having fun it is difficult to leave. Even if they want to see their girl friend it is difficult to change the energy and mindset. I wonder if there are other guys on the team who have girlfriends or wives that leave when the game is over. Perhaps he can talk to them and get their support as he makes this change? It might also be easier if he just plays on one weekend day and has the other day off to spend with you and with you kids when they are with you. That would take the ‘decision making’ out of his hands which is probably a good idea at this point.
Next, he says that he is still in the single mind set yet he is really open with you and has clear intentions of building a life iwht you. What if the two of you focused on one small thing at a time. Perhaps a weekly date night or playing sport one day per week. Make that your new normal. Then, incorporate the next behavior so that it becomes a habit and so on. What do you think about that? What would the first thing you would like to work on?
Kanya
Tiana, I am so sorry that he is not in the place to spend time together. I can imagine how hurt and confused you must be. From my perspective all you can do is keep trying. Try to have fun when you are at home together. Think of things you guys did in the past that caused laughter and lightness. Bring that energy to the house now with your child and with him. Help him remember the fun and playful woman he fell in love with!
Kanya
Hi Emilie, I love that you are spending time with him and getting to know him over time. It also sounds like you are getting to know more about yourself and to me that really is the most important piece. As we get to know ourselves better, we are better able to navigate difficult situations and feelings. We are calmer when we are confused, hurt, and angry. Little things tend to bother us less and big things don’t take over the way they used to.
I also agree that women tend to become attracted to men they like and have a good connection with. The more we care for someone the more attractive they become! Have a great vacation and we look forward to hearing updates!
Kanya
Hi carol, Thanks for sharing more. It sounds as though things are actually going well and you are enjoying tmr together. I understand that some things form the past can feel like they get in the way. But, what I am hearing is that what trips you up are you insecurities and trust issues. The good news is this is something that you can work with.
Since the two of you began to have deeper conversations, are you feeling a higher level of trust? DO you get the sense that he is being honest and open with you? If so, are you feeling calmer and more confident? For instance, do you still compare your relationship to the one he had with his ex and wonder if you are as important or as connected?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, What an interesting twist. This guys sounds great and I like that you are both taking your time getting to know each other. Given that he is shy it could take some time for him to feel the confidence to give you a kiss. But hey, isn’t it nice to have some anticipation building? Most guys are ready to kiss and see if there is a spark too soon. This is kind of romantic and different! Can’t wait to hear how it unfolds!
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, I think your profile sounds great. You do a great job describing yourself and sharing about yourself. I like that you were fun and flirty and open-very irresistible!
One way to be assertive is to stop apologizing. I know, that sounds crazy. I don’t mean stop apologizing when you have hurt someone. If you start to pay attention to how women speak you will notice that they say “I’m sorry” in abundance. If they bump into someone they say sorry rather than excuse me. If they interrupt a conversation they say sorry instead of excuse me. This is a very normal response for women. However, when we say I’m sorry instead of excuse me or something else we take personal responsibility for something in a way that is not necessary. Pantene did a commercial about this a few years ago that I’ll share with you so that you get a sense of what I am talking about.
Does this resonate for you?
Kanya
