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Hi Rebecca, The loveliest 24 hours sounds wonderful! I am so glad the two of you are back on track. You’ve done an amazing job learning to navigate all of this. I really hope you are giving yourself credit for that!
Yes, I do think you should respect his request to not talk about it. He is clear about that and he knows that the door is open if he changes his mind and wants to talk.
Looking back, what do you think was most helpful for you in all of this?
Kanya
Hi Anna, It sounds like there is a lot going on. I too think it would be a great idea to talk to someone. You can choose a coach or if you want marriage counseling, you can go to a therapist who specializes in that. If you have health insurance you probably have some coverage for this. Some people also have access to a certain amount of therapy sessions per year through an Employee Assistance Program at work. I suggest you look at your health insurance web site and see who is listed in network for either Mental Heath or Behavioral Health. You should be able to find someone in your immediate area to help.
It does sound like your husband is having a difficult time letting go of the past. Partners will sometimes have a difficult time letting go when they don’t feel their partner understands their pain or doesn’t take their pain seriously. The next time he brings something up try to respond in a different way. If possible, communicate more empathy and just listen. Listen for a long time, until he actually fells that he has said everything he needs to say. Then, apologize. While I am sure you have apologized before, do it again after you have listened. Resist trying to explain your side of the story for now and give him the space he seems to need to be heard. Then, reassure him that you will not do those behaviors again in the future.
Part of what is probably happening is he doesn’t want to get hurt again so his walls are up a bit. Ask him what growth on your part he needs to see for him to start letting his walls down again. He may not even see that he has a choice to let this go but he definitely does! Please let me know if you have any questions about what I shared!
Kanya
Hi Emilie, So glad that you are back and doing all the things you love to do! I love that he was so clear about wanting to see you and spend time together. It seems like he might be coming out of his shell in some ways?
How are you feeling about the date? I know he is a slow mover but I’m wondering if you feel you are getting mixed signals from him? Does he ever talk about being shy, having been hurt in the past, or wanting to move slowly? I’m curious about a few things: did he initiate holding your hand or putting his hand on your back while you were walking? Was there any physical touching? Did he continue to flirt and be playful? Does he appear nervous at times when the two of you are together?
Tell me how you are feeling about all of this?
Kanya
Hi Christina, Just wanted to check in and see how things are going! How is the connection building coming along?
Kanya
Hi Anna, I must admit, I’m a little confused. You shared that you are totally in loe, but that he feels you ruined him, and you wonder what a man means when he says he loves you, and if things will ever be the same.Can you share more of your history so that I can understand more fully? Thanks!
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, It really is complicated, isn’t to! I think he is both disappointed by her initial reaction, her blocking him, and her inability to be his friend. He is hurt, frustrated, disappointed as well as other intense emotions. Knowing how complicated it all is, what can you do to support him and let him know you understand?
Kanya
Hi Carol, Wow, it sounds like you re doing great. I really acknowledge you for your hard work and commitment!
I love what Heidi shared and I too support you in learning to value yourself and know your self worth! There is a great book that I often recommend called; Learning to Love Yourself by Sharon Wegscheider. I think you can also get it on audio if you like to listen in the car etc. The author does a great job helping you understand the childhood events that may have affected you and helped to shape you that are no longer working.
I think it would really help you improve your self concept and make it easier for you to feel good about yourself. The a look and see if it speaks to you! Can’t wait to hear what you think!
Kanya
Hi Melissa, I really acknowledge you. It sounds like you have worked through some things and the two of you have come out of the other side stronger than before. It is great for you and him to see that this is possible!
I can totally understand your frustration. In a relationship there is always a different in processing time. One person often wants to resolve a misunderstanding in the moment while the other may need some time. For some it is a few hours or days. When I was in my 20’s I would have thought that was crazy. I didn’t have a lot of tolerance for waiting and being patient. Now, I realize that this is a natural dynamic. What matters is how you deal with it! It sounds like you are doing a great job of taking care of yourself when he needs time. That is fabulous and not always easy! You asked if this dynamic is ok. My question for you is are you okay with it? Do you need him to acknowledge that he is going away or needs space? When he reconnects does he talk about what was/is bothering him?
To me, needing space is natural. And, it is also okay to talk about what you each need as you navigate the space. What understanding is currently in place regarding this?
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, I do like the new opening paragraph on your profile. And, it sounds like it is getting some attention which is great. On line dating is a tricky thing. On the one hand you have access to a plethora of men, many more than you could ever meet in your day to day life. On the other hand, you’re going to have to sift through a lot of frogs to get someone that you feel that connection with who isn’t avoidant or suffocating.
I agree that this really is about learning more about you! Each guy has the ability to help you hone your vision of a true and supportive mate while also giving you the opportunity to learn more about yourself and grow in ways that are important to you. If you look back on this experience thus far what have you learned and what are the positive ways that it has affected you?
Kanya
Hi Lauren, Glad that you are here! For now, you need to take a bag step back. No contact unless he initiates it. And then, small, short texts in response. In terms of asking for his advice, what is something that you would normally ask for his advice about? DO you ask for his thoughts on your work, relationships with family, working out? What would seem most natural to him?
Can you share more about the relationship? How long have the 2 of you been dating? Overall what is the relationship like? Was there anything specific that made you feel insecure and led you to over text?
While I can really understand how frustrating this is and how we can feel anxious about the connection it is vital that you work with the part inside of you that worries about this and tries to force communication when he is needing space. Is this something that has gotten in the way for you in the past? What coping skills do you have when this sort of anxiety hits? Here is a great video that talks more about anxiety and how to help yourself feel better when it hits!
Kanya
That is a great question, Melissa…what is the point of it? When he does drops off what do you feel? Unimportant, disregarded, unloved. How would you describe that feeling? Once you have identified it, look to your past (all the way to childhood) to see when you first had the experience of feeling that way. My guess is this was a trigger that got put into motion years ago long before you even met this guy. When you get upset that is the time to comfort that little girl insider you you and reassure her that she is valuable, important and loved. Remind her that he is flaky and in the moment and it is nothing she needs to worry about. You can even make up a funny name for this behavior so it doesn’t feel so serious.
Here is an example of how to do that. I was in a relationship for a long time with a great guy. However, when he was tired or grumpy he would disagree with everything I said. IT sound be something small or something big but when he was like that I was always wrong. At first it really bothered me but I hated feeling that way so I wanted to find a way to deal with it better. I thoughts of a name “Contrary Man” and even created a little song to go with it. It wasn’t a mean song, it was a funny song. I would sing it to him when he started to do it and it would make him laugh. The usually brought enough awareness to the situation for him to stop doing it.
Now, if it is done in a disrespectful or biting manner it defiantly won’t work. But, if it is done playfully it can be very effective. Is that something you think you can do?
Kanya
Hi Sheria, I am so glad that you are here! This is a confusing situation that you are dealing with and I can understand that you are not sure how to proceed. I think the first step is to give him his space. I know sometimes it can feel as though explaining something to someone will make them understand and stop being angry or frustrated. I don’t believe this is the case here. It sounds as though, at least for now, talking to him about it is making things worse.
I’m also wondering if now is a good time for you total a step back and focus more energy on getting yourself to a better place. A better place financially and emotionally is important for everyone to achieve. It’s almost like the two of you are taking a ‘pause for the cause.’ Each having some time to rebalance and feel solid and confident again.
I know that from your perspective that probably seems like a bad idea. I mean, ups already feel distance and disconnect from him. How could more space possibly help? Well, from my experience, sometimes space is required in order for two people to see things more clearly. IF you each focus o yourselves for a bit then you are stronger and more clear when you do reconnect. You could take a few weeks, then send him a short text igniting his hero instinct. Let the initial connections be fun and playful. Avoid the tendency to talk about ‘the relationship.’ Instead, show him your fabulous confident self again. Once things feel emotionally safe for the two of you then you can mention some things about what you perhaps would do differently in the future.
One thing is clear, it is not okay for you to reach out to his family members for information on the relationship. My sense is this felt disrespectful and over reaching to him. That is something that almost likely you will need understand where he is coming from. Even if it made sense to you, it is a boundary that he doesn’t want you to cross in the future. As he shared, he is going through a difficult time and isn’t sure what he wants. He doesn’t want kids then suddenly he is considering it. He wants closeness and then he doesn’t. I think that the space would be an important boundary for you to set until he figures out what he wants.
I know this is probably not the plan you were hoping to hear but I am curious about what you think of what I’ve shared so far?
Kanya
Hi Harmony, Thanks for the update! You are really incorporating so much of what you are learning. I really hope that you give yourself credit!
There were so many times during your recent interactions with him where you really managed to stay unattached and supportive. Basically you were being your amazing, confident self. And, it sounds like he is really responding to amazing you. Do you have a sense of when he is coming to New York?
What skills have you learned that have been the most effective in this situation?
Kanya
Hi Marianne, Thanks for writing in. I can understand your confusions and frustration. While there are different ways to get to know someone it does seem like he isn’t doing much to get to know you. Who usually initiates contact, you or him? Have you talked to him about your concerns in person or just in writing? When you have communicated your concerns, what has been his response?
I do not think this will resolve itself if you become a couple. I think that this is the time to get to know him. If there are things that don’t work for you or don’t give you what you need then now is the time to talk about it. You need time to see if he can show more interest or not. If the answer is no, then you need to decision if you can accept him as he is. You need to decide how important this is to you and think about long term effects of feeling this way.
Just out of curiosity, does this remind you of any other experiences in your life?
Kanya
