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Hi Alice, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Being cut off from someone you love with no explanation can feel excruciating. While you ask a lot of valid questions it is impossible to know the answers. Yes, we can guess or surmise but that is all. I agree with what Heidi shared in that you need to give him his space for now. While the hope is he may start to reconnect, the reality is, he may or may not reengage with you. Only time will tell.
In the mean time, what are you doing to take care of yourself? Do you have friends and family that are supporting you at this time? Are you getting out, socializing, and doing things that help you remember how amazing you are?
Kanya
Hi Jessica, Wow, I can understand why you are so confused. So at this point is he wanting to date both of you? How do you feel about that. I mean, really feel? One part of you probably wants to say yes to anything he is suggesting at this point for fear of losing him. Sometimes we can start to feel like we will take the crumbs of a relationship in hope of getting more down the road. I would suggest you NOT do that in this type of situation.
Instead, figure out what you are really comfortable with and let him know what your boundaries are. Are you comfortable with him dating both of you? Being friends? Taking a break from communication? Really let yourself be honest with yourself and then determine what works for you.
I too think he is worried about getting back together with you. The thing is; dating someone else is optional at this point. In reality is isn’t going to make him more clear about what he wants and he is getting an innocent person involved in a really mucky situation. And what about him blaming her for not being ‘allowed’ to be your friend? My guess is this person has a history of being bad at making decisions. He most likely lets others influence him and gives then the power to make important life decisions. This is a huge red flag. Please, take care of your heart and be really conscious about who you let in. I’m also wondering how your kids are doing with this change? Are they confused and upset as well? If you really dig deep, what is it that you want in this situation?
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, I really acknowledge you for taking a step back from your mom. Being around critical and negative people is also optional in life. Many people don’t understand that but I am glad that you do! It is interesting that you are doing so many meet ups that involve outdoor activity but that you aren’t meeting any men in these groups. Is that because they aren’t in those groups or because they don’t appear to be single?
In your singles church group have you made friendships that you have been able to transfer to your personal life as well? I love what you shared about understanding animals! How can you apply this to your relationships with men? After all, mean are animals too!
Kanya
Hi April, I agree with Heidi that there is a lot of water under the bridge. Here is the thing, I would focus on BEING the new you and building up your life. I believe that less focus o him and/or the relationship will be a good thing. Up until now it seems that the primary movement in the relationship is for you to move towards him, correct? What if you now give him some space so that he can notice the space and start to move towards you? It will feel very strange at first as it is soooo different. But, by changing things up you get the opportunity to start interacting with him and this relationship in a different manner!
I love that you are doing “The Relationship Rewrite!” I think it is natural that the steps will feel forced initially. How could they not? You are doing things that are new and new is almost always awkward. At there specific questions you have about making the first two steps more comfortable? Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Melissa, I’m glad things are going better. I can understand your frustration about him not coming to be when you did but it does sound like you were still awake when he did so that is positive. Just wondering if you have let him know that you were looking forward to going to bed together earlier in the day? He may not have realized how important it was to you unless it was communicated to him.
The hiking trip sounds fun. I can understand that you are starting to feel like you give more to him than he gives to you. Can you clarify more in terms of what he gives to you. Also consider how he might answer that questions. Sometimes our partner is giving to us in ways we don’t realize!
Kanya
Hi Janet,
I am so glad to hear that things are moving in the right direction! I really acknowledge you as I know it was not easy to be patient as he working through his feelings about this. And realistically, he continues to work thought his emotions about this.
Have you read the Relationship Rewrite available on this site? I do think that it would be very helpful to you at this time. It talked about the importance of acknowledging the mistakes you’ve made in the past and ways to show him how you have changed versus just talking about change. James has laid out a multi-step process to get things back on track. It is subtle in some ways and is full of amazing insight. Take a look at the descriptions and see what you think.
I would also be checking out the articles on the Irresistible Insights page. There are several that address communication and creating a new start with your guy. They are a quick read but also full of a lot of great information. I suggest you pick out 2 or 3 and read one every day or so over the course of a week. Let the information really sink in and see how quickly your thinking will become transformed! Can’t wait to hear what you think!
Kanya
Hi Nicole, It sounds like you are dealing wth a complicated situation, I am so glad that you are here.
I have a few questions that might help us understand this a bit more. Prior to him making this new friend, did the two of you talk about your future? Did you talk about you moving closer, living together, etc? I guess I’m wondering how much is actually different now that he has a new friend? How did they meet? How frequently do they see each other? When did this start becoming a problem?
How have you talked about this and what has his response been like when you do? Looking forward to hearing back from you.
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, I do like your updated profile. I acknowledge you for sticking with it. I think this is the first time you talked about being shy. I used to be really shy and yes, it does make it difficult to meet new people. I love that you have been talking to more men and giving them compliments! You are getting amazing results so well done.
There is a great book that you might enjoy called “Quiet; The Power of Introverts in a World the Can’t Stop Talking.” It is an interesting perspective on the power of being introverted versus extroverted. I think reading it will help you appreciate the qualities that come naturally to you! Take a look and let me know what you think!
Do you have female friends and family that you spend time with? What are some things you can get involved with that would expand your circle of connections?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, I agree that asking via message is not a good idea. You definitely want to have this conversation face to face. There are so many nuances that are lost when you can’t see facial expressions and body language. I love what Heidi suggested in terms of what to say! Be sure to give him a lot of space to answer. He is rather quiet at times so he might need more time than usually to put his thoughts together. I find that silence is really important to creating the space to let someone else express themselves!
Any updates?
Kenya
Hi Emilie, I do understand your frustration. You may have shared this already but have you considered pulling back a bt and being less available. I remember that when you were away recently he seemed to step u a bit in terms of flirting and communication. Also wondering if you have been keeping the door open to dating other men? That would for sure take some of the pressure/frustration off of regarding figuring this all out.
Even though you do like him, you can decide that this speed, or lack there of is not working for you!
Kanya
Hi Nicole, I really want to acknowledge your commitment to yourself. It really is inspiring! It makes total sense that giving compliments still feels awkward – it’s still new. Have you ever worked at getting proficient at a sport or playing a musical instrument? It feels really weird for a really long time. Then one day, it doesn’t feel so weird. And eventually, it feels like the most natural think in the world. That is what will happen if you continue practicing complimenting people.
Rather than waiting until someone in front of you to think of a compliment, I suggest you start to think of some generic note things that you an say to people. Sit down and think about compliments you have hear, compliments that you would like to hear. Keep a list of them and add to it every once in awhile. Read them back to yourself out loud so that you become more and more comfortable with doing it. The more you practice, the more natural it is going to feel! Can you try it for the next week and see how you are feeling? I am a big believer is experimenting with new things so you can see what works for you! Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, Oh my gosh, this guy is a tough read! He clearly likes you but is so slow moving that it is hard to be sure. The fact that he is enthusiastic about you preparing dinner is a good sign. I like that when you saw him yesterday you felt comfortable touching him. While you do want to wait for him to initiate a kiss etc I think it would be positive and encouraging if you were to continue to touch him in that way, on the arm, touching his shoulder as you walk past etc. That will let him know that it is really safe for him to do the same!
Kanya
Hi Janet, I think that most couples have a difficult time knowing how to communicate at times. Sometimes we repeat ourselves rather than focusing on why our partner is having a difficult time doing what we ask. There are a lot of great articles on the Irresistible Insights page that can help you learn to express your needs in a different way.
I have a friend who shared something recently that really helped me understand men on a deeper level. She shared that if someone told him what to do he would resist. But, if someone asked him in a respectful manner he would do anything for them. Definitly the a look at the articles about how men feel respect and that will tell you a lot about how to talk to him and ask him for what you want and need!
Kanya
Hi Anna, Unfortunately we don’t do one on one coaching. I also think that it would be better for the two of you to meet face to face with someone. That way you can both build a connection with the therapist which is vital to opening up and letting them assist you both. Have you tried therapy or counseling on your own or as a couple in the past?
Kanya
Hi Janet, It sounds like he is doing the best he can even though he is being stern. 21 years is such a huge accomplishment. And, there can be a lot of hurt in that time. It sounds as though there are some things that have upset him in the past that he didn’t think you were addressing. Even though he is distant can you imagine ways to show him that you are taking him seriously and that you really care and are committed to this relationship? If you re open to sharing more about what has upset him in the past perhaps we can help you in a more specific manner?
Kanya
