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Hello, I am so glad that you are here. First, you are definetly not delusional for caring for someone and wanting to be loved. What I really here from you is a lot os self judgement and self confidence issues. Would you agree with that? Regardless of what happened with this man it would be great if we could help you feel better about yourself first. What types of things have you done to learn to love you? What do you do to help your kids feel good about themselves? Can you start to apply this behavior to you as well? Please share more about this.
I can understand why you care about this person. It sounds as though the two o you have really gotten close since your husband died. Just out of curiosity, have you allowed yourself to date and open up to other men since your husband’s death? The reason I ask is because there must be so many things that this man provides that remind you of your husband. I wonder if that is part of your attraction to him? I think you need to keep so much in mind regarding this man.
He man think of you as his friends wife and feel a sense that he is betraying his friend. He may want other things in life given that he is in a different age stage than you are. What do you think his feels are for you in this situation? Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi, I just read your other thread. Can you share more about why there is friction between you and his family? It sounds like that might be getting in the way for him spending more time with you. I would imagine that he feels like he is caught in the middle at times which is difficult. Have you been able to learn to work with his family so that there can be more harmony between the two of you?
Kanya
Hi Steffy, Sounds like you re feeling really frustrated. I can understand that. Most couples have a difficulties, at times, trying to figure out how much time together will be enough. I wouldn’t take it personally that he would be comfortable not talking for days at a time but I do think that is fairly common for men. At this stage you are seeing each other weekly, correct. What would be your ideal amount of time to see each other each week? Do the two of you have consistent schedules that would allow you to plan?
When you share how you are feeling, are you able to utilize the respect principles? This is important because while it is important to express yourself we all need to so so respectfully. Can you share more about how you ask for more of his time? Make be can help you identify new ways to do so that might be more effective. Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Emilie, It sounds as though you are trying to look at the whole picture which is super important. Rather than getting caught up in a number – either months or dates, maybe you can identify things you would need to know, or experience, or understand before you ar ready for sex. And, this can be an action plan that can evolve and clarify over time.
If you think about it, what would you be wanting to experience, know, etc before you are ready?
Kanya
Hi Junie, So much has been happening in the past week or so. This is great. I totally get that you want to move things along but caution you on pushing him too quickly. It is important that he initiate the next hang out. I suggest you keep doing exactly what you are doing as it seems to be working. I love the idea of igniting his hero instinct. What would you like his help with? Is it something he would need to do in person like moving something for you? Is it his advice of guidance on something? What comes to mind?
Kanya
Hi Emile, Sounds like things are getting interesting with the new guy. I am glad to hear it. In terms of what Heidi shared, I think 3 months is actually a good idea. I know it seems like a long time but the reality is it takes a long time to get to know someone. If that seems too long then I strongly encourage you to pick an actual amount of time and stick with it. The thing with this guy is he is coming on strong. Have you even had the experience of someone coming on strong just to then go away strong?
Kanya
Hi Marina, I am so glad that you are sharing what you are feeling. I really do not thing that Heidi meant to minimize you or your experience in any way! I just get the sense that she is recommending that you take a step back for now, fill yourself up, and shift your mind set a bit. I don’t hear that she is suggesting that you do that for ever, just for the time being.
In any relationship there are times when we need to focus on giving to our partner and realizing they are doing the best they can do. That focus will go both ways; when you are going through a difficult time his energy will be focused on you and vice versa. Does that make sense?
At the same time, living your life, making plans without waiting for him is vital. He needs to see that you aren’t putting your life on hold! Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Junie, Glad he is more engaged. One thing I wold recommend is that you get really focused on your life. Let him do more of the initiating even though it might take him longer to do so then you would like. He has shared that he has a lot going on so he might feel more supported with some space and understanding for a few days. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Callaie, I am really glad that you are here!
Wow, I can tell that you are really thinking about every moment together and seeking answers. I can totally understand why you are doing that. This is a complex situation and of course you want answers. It seems that he is ready to move on at this point. That doesn’t mean he will always feel that way but he seems to be at a point where he doesn’t feel he can work on anything any more. And, he is now talking to other woman. He may be doing it to hurt you so that he moves on but I also think he is getting some value out of talking to them.
realistically, it seems like things have felt off for a long time. And, you have felt the imbalance with how the kids are treated for several years at this point. Given all that you went through maybe now is the time to focus on you for awhile. You are ready to put everything into the relationship but given all that has happened in the past few years it seems like you need all of your energy and support right now. Yes, you are working again but it will take time to build back to a place where you feel confident. It will take time to build financial security. It also sounds like your children, your son in particular, deserves to have a reset with the family as well. He deserves to be treated respectfully. And, you deserve to be with a partner who can hear your concerns and respond to them appropriately.
As I read your I noted that when you give him space he seems to reach out more and respond in a more friendly manner. Have you noticed that as well? I think he is clearly conflicted and trying to figure things out. If you push him for answers he will probably given answers that you do not want to hear at this point. What do you think about just taking a step back for now? I know it is difficult to live in limbo but a pause might actually be a good thing. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Alice, I am so glad you are sharing more. Given the circumstances, it seems like a good idea to put everything on hold for now. At the same time, that is really difficult and hurtful at this time. I wonder if he thinks that he was open with you about putting things on hold. It is important to rememeber that a woman use approximately 20 words for every one word a man uses. I wonder if he actually thinks that he explained it though to you it seems like he was vague?
No contact has been going on for a long time and I’m really sorry for the pain this is causing. He may not have even realized how long no contact would be needed when he spoke with you. All of this just seems to be spinning out of everyone’s control at this point. If you dig deep, in to your inner wisdom, what does it tell you is the best path for you at this time?
Kanya
Hi Alice, Thank you for clarifying. It’s really normal for someone who has just gotten a divorce to disappear for a period of time. Even thought it is normal it is difficult that he wasn’t able or willing to explain that to you before he stopped contacting. Have you attempted to ignite his hero instinct?
Kanya
Hi Alice, you are funny. I must confess that at times I have been sitting in the dark eating potato chips lol.
I am glad that you are keeping busy. I realized we don’t know much about the nature of your relationship. I was wondering how long the two of you have been together? How long were you working for him before it became romantic in nature? When you were in contact did he talk about future plans. This much be really difficult to feel so cut off from someone you care so much about. I acknowledge you for continuing to enjoy other areas of your life!
Kanya
