Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Sharon, Ughhh this is a lot for you to process. I can understand your feeling shocked at this point. There isn’t anything you SHOULD do at this point but there are things you could do. I would give him space for another day or two then send a very short and simple message. Something like “Hey, just thinking of you. I really get that your life is full and it felt like you needed something to let go of. If you ever want to talk just let me know.” Don’t talk about being sad, or disappointed. Just see if he is willing to open up a bit. Sometimes talking about things helps to release the tension people are feeling.
My sense is he is just really overwhelmed and unsure how to balance everything. Just out of curiosity, how did he feel about going on the cruise?
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, Wow…you’re not falling apart, not anxious, stopping assumptions and negative presumptions…you rock! That to me is the really important part. You are learning to take care of yourself emotionally which is so important ands empowering.
So, how do you feel about him handling this in this way? Seems like this might me him M.O. He doesn’t seem to be taking steps to make actual changes. Remember, saying you are going to do something is different than actually doing it. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Lana, I am glad that you are here. This seems like a really confusing situation. ON the one hand you have been dating for 2 years yet he has this addiction to messaging other women. What is his plan for getting help with this?
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, How do you feel about meeting with him? Seems like it might be good to have an honest conversation about what you each want and determine if it is possible to get things back on track. Honestly, I’m not sure that he can do that. He does seem o easily bail when things get difficult. If you do decide to move forward I recommend you do it cautiously for the time being. It will be important to see if he can actually demonstrate positive changes versus just talking about them.
Kanya
Hi Lady, I totally get how difficult this is. I’ve experienced some similar situations in the past and it can be so confusing. The tendency to want to go back into something that isn’t really healthy can feel very strong at tims. Humans often tend to forget the bad and focus on the good and the potential when our heart is hurting. It sounds as though you might be doing that in this situation. I understand that he made your birthday special but at this point does it make sense for you to give more to someone who isn’t there for you? Is some part of you hoping that acknowledging his birthday will make him remember the good times and reengage on some level?
The reality is, this man does not have time for a relationship. I think he is the kind of person who clearly likes the ‘idea’ of a relationship but doesn’t understand the amount of effort that goes into sustaining a relationship. You can continue to attempt to resuscitate this relationship but honesty I think you could spend your time in ways that support you and help you move forward. What do you think?
Kanya
Hi Carol. As I was reading through your posts I started to think about the book “The 5 Love Languages.” Have you heard of it? From what you’ve shared it sounds as though his love language may be ‘Acts of Service.’ The reason I say this is because he is doing things for you like coming to your side of town, buying a lightweight duvet, etc. He is showing you, through his actions, that he cares for you. My guess is you have a different one language and that is why it is sometimes difficult to feel as if he cares about you.
I suggest you look further into The 5 Love Languages. Here is a link to a fun video that gives a brief outline of the love languages. I would certainly recommend that you read the full book to receive the most benefits! Take a look and let me know what you think!
Kanya
Hi Emilie, That sounds like a tough situation. You did a great job trusting yourself and doing what you knew was best for you. I literally know people who got married because they didn’t know how to say no to a relationship that didn’t work for them. You’re such an amazing, independent woman. I hope you get how amazing you are!
How long has it been since you had a serious relationship?
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, Wow, you are doing great. I really acknowledge you for being open and honest and working on yourself. I was thinking that there ae a few articles on the Irresistible Insights page that you might help you with flirting techniques and building tension. The first two that come to mind are “Flip on your Sexy Switch with the Three R’s” and “come a Man Magnet.” Of course there are other article on that page that you might like so please take a look!
I just want to check in and see if you are feeling any pressure to be a certain way or figure out how to please someone else or be what they want/need? Let yourself focus on cultivating new aspects of yourself that you incorporate into day to day interactions with men. That way the ‘new you’ started to feel like second nature. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Rita, So glad that you are here and part of the community. This is an interesting yet complicated situation. It seems like you would like to move forward with a relationship with this person. Is that correct? When you were visiting or in communication since has he said anything about wanting to date you?
Yes you are awesome! And, it seems like it has been hard to pin him down in terms of his intentions.One big red flag for me is he doesn’t trust women. That is a very big statement. Even though you are not local you are a women. I am concerned that he is doing what a lot of people do-having a connection on line that gives him a sense of not being alone but is not an actual relationship. Have you even had that feeling with him?
How long ago did he fly you out? My guess is he is wanting something ver light and casual right now and frankly I’m not even sure he knows what he wants. Please take care of your heart. I get the sense that you are farther along in your feelings than he is so look before you leap. Just out of curiosity, have you been dating in the past year or so? Are there other men that you are interested in?
Kanya
Hi Kim, You are right-this does suck! I love that you are being so honest with us and yourself. It is normal that you would be split at this point; unsure, missing him, wanting things to be better, more connected, solid etc. You mentioned that he is still in the middle of a divorce. Can you share what stage they are at?
Can I ask you a question? What was your initial intention with taking a 60 day break? And, what is your intention with it now?
Kanya
Hi Junie, Just so you know I love all your questions! Never feel bad about asking anything-that is why we are here!
I think that your initial instinct to delay sex until things move forward a bt more is right on! I know it is easy to get swept away in how good it feels to be connecting again but it is still so new. Take your time with all of this. Yes, it is uncomfortable and as humans we tend to prefer comfortable but certain types of discomfort are important in a relationship. Often they help to create more emotional intimacy. We all need to be vulnerable and uncomfortable at times and to let others see this for many reasons. You are doing really amazing! I would stick with the slow pace and let things grow. Make sense?
Kanya
Hi Hilary, It is definitely time to get some support for you in this situation!
I’m not familiar with all of the services in the UK but start by looking at volunteer organizations that can help. There are people that will come in and keep your dad company while you go run errands. Are there day programs that your dad can attend that will keep him occupied and engaged while you get a day to yourself? There are some services that you will need to pay for but that should be something that your dad covers.
How about looking into support groups for care givers? You could meet other people in similar situations and also build a network of new friends supporting each other. Your current situation seems unrealistic to maintain. You need to find ways to connect to community services and support. Can you do some research and share with me some options you have?
Kanya
Hello Lady, I am so glad that you are here! What a confusing and frustrating situation, ughhh. For now, I suggest you stop initiating communication with him. Stop entirely. Give him space that he clearly needs and see if in the space he starts to feel safe enough to reach out to you again. I know that is difficult to even think about at this time but it is vital.
There are a few things you shared that concerned me or were red flags. The two of you have only been dating since July, correct? So it’s been 2 1/2 months at best. That is a really short amount of time. It takes a really long time to get to know someone and, with his busy schedule it seems that you weren’t spending a whole lot of time together. Also, he doesn’t believe in courtship? That is a red flag to me. Courtship is vital to building a relationship. It is the way to really get to know each other. It is the way that a man takes emotional risks and works to win someone over. Without this step it is impossible to build a relationship.
The fact that he just wanted you to hang out with him tells me that he really wanted to move past the awkward stages of dating. The thing is, those awkward stages are where emotional intimacy is created. Without them, there isn’t an emotional bond. I believe that this is reflected in his ignoring you at this point. Without realizing it, he created a friend with benefits situation so there is nothing connecting him at a heart level at this stage.
How did you feel while all of this was occurring? It sounds as though you were wanting more. And, it sounds as though you realized that more was needed to build a relationship properly. Am I reading that right? So, my question for you is why do you think you went along with this when it wasn’t really a good fit for you? Looking forward to hearing back from you?
Kanya
Hi Hilary, I can understand why you are hurting. All of this seems so confusing. I am glad that two are here! Can you tell me how long ago you moved, when the argument was, and how long the two of you were together before the move?
It sounds as though he may have been upset about some things long before the argument the two of you had. Does that make sense? When people make little jabs and are mean but say they are kidding, there is often a reason that they are doing this. Thinking back can you see what may have been upsetting him? When you decided to move, did you think he felt as though he was considered in that decision? Did the two of you talk about it and talk about how it might affect your relationship? Were you both open to trying to make things work?
Working 9- hours a week leave very little time for anything else! That just leaves 7 hours of extra time per day tp sleep, eat, and do everything else he needs to do. I imagine that this would take a toll on his mood as well. Looking back, have you identified another way to respond to seeing the pics on line? The two of you are both so stressed out and overwhelmed I wonder how much either of you has to give to a relationship or each other at this point. How re you taking care of yourself at this stage? You’ve been through a lot and given up a lot. DO you feel as though you have a support system in place in the UK? Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
