[Kanya D]

Hi Karen, Glad you are here! I’m wondering a few things. First, how long have you been married and when did you notice him becoming more focused on his work? When you were first dating, did he make time for the relationship and connecting? If so, what seemed to motivate him to do so?

When he is over focused on work have you been able to talk to him about it in a respectful manner? Have you shared your concerns for his health and well being? For his happiness? How much do you see each other in a given day, do you have dinner together, etc? DO you have kids and share time together as a family? What pressures do you think he is feeling at work and financially?

I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Nicole, I don’t know how long your letter is but I really like how concise Heidi expressed it in the message above. That seems like something you could share in person without having to go into a long and serious conversation. I would trust your instinct about how much you want to share. And, I would suggest you do it in person. I think that spending time together without pressure is the way to go. And, you can share you thoughts and feelings without pressure ing him. I know that might be new for you but you are already trying so many new things, Are you open to trying this as well?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Rhonda, Sounds like you are learning so much about yourself and connecting with more and more interesting men. Let’s take that as a win! While you don’t like to talk about yourself I think there are ways to add more information about you in these emails. Take the one you wrote to Billy. Have you been to any of the parks you were asking him about? What if you shared some stories or even just mention what your experience was at this places. Something like: Have you been to Bryce or Zion? I was there (insert time) I couldn’t believe how different they were. Weren’t the rocks beautiful at sunset? I think that was my favorite part. What was your favorite part?” That way is is asking questions but also sharing more about yourself. The reality is you want to be talking to someone who is interested unlearning more about you.

In terms of Andy, we can’t know what is going on for him so I would encourage you not to make up a story about this. I’d wait a bit then maybe send a quick message sharing something that you think he might like. In the end you don’t want to push it too much but rather focus on being in the receptive role when possible during this phase. Again, you are doing such a great job. I really hope that you are giving yourself credit!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Kim, Wow, this is a complete turn around. You must be feeling over the moon at this point! And, keep breathing and see if his actions meet his intentions.

So, how do you do this? Well, there isn’t one clear path that you need to follow. It will per personalized to the two of you and what you each want and need. Yes it will be different but it sounds like different is a good thing at this point. It sounds like you both realize that he needs to be the one pursing. That will be fun at first and if it is not moving at the speed you want you may try to speed things up but initiating or trying to lead. I would caution you against doing so. Take the time you both deserve to let him pursue and learn that he can make you happy. While you’re in the receptive mode give him a lot of signals that he is doing a great job pursuing you. Make a list of reminders that you can look at when you are wanting things to move at a faster pace. Things like:
It takes time to build a strong healthy relationship
We are moving at the pace that is right for us
I trust him to keep moving forward
He really does love me and is showing me is so many ways

Of course, you will add to that list things that are important to you. It will require patience and a willingness to be in a vulnerable place of waiting but you can manage that! You mentioned that he needs some time to talk to his ex and process. What is the plan for connection during this time?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Rebecca, So, at this point, I’m wondering if this conversations will actually take place. I hope it does but don’t have high hopes. I share that because I would imagine you have even more intense thoughts about this. Yes, he may be depressed. Yes, he may have a lot going on but remember the bottom line for you-the way he has been treating you is disrespectful and not acceptable.

Remember, he is really good at making promises that he does not keep. Beware of that in this conversation. You need to see him taking action over a longer period of time to trust that he is going to keep his word. Look for the part inside of you that may want to believe him and hold on to avoid the pain that letting go would trigger. You are strong enough to endure that pain and move on. You are an amazing woman who deserves the whole package! Let us know how it goes!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Sharon, WE can’t say what he will do for sure. Given how overwhelmed he is in his life my guess is contact will be infrequent. I think that it is good for you to take a break. AS you step back you will have the opportunity to get more clear about the situation and how you feel about all or this. My guess you are feeling a lot of emotions right now. Taking tome to process them and get back to a place where you feel strong and solid is important.

Have you ever done free form writing? It’s pretty easy. Just take out a pad of paper and write what you are feeling. Don’t worry about grammar, punctuation, or using strong words. Just let it out. Then, when yo are done rip up the pages and trow then out. This step is especially important as one the emotion is out rereading it will bring it back in which is not what you want. I suggest you do this for 10 minutes a day, every day for the next week. I’d be curious to see where you are at with the situation once you are done. Is that something you can commit to?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Sumithra, I can understand why this is confusing for you! He doesn’t know what he wants which means you don’t know what is going to happen. That must be really stressful as well since you may be waiting for him to leave. Do you know if he is still dating that other person? Has he made any progress in figuring things out since last December?

The thing is, you are making it really easy for him to not make a decision. Why? Because you are letting this go on and on. Even when this first happened he was to have a week to make a decision and you called him after a few days. Have you looked at why it is so difficult to think about walking away? I know that might sound weird but in reality you need to know why you are still hanging out with this guy who is treating you so poorly. Has this been a pattern in your life regarding how you are treated? Were you taught that it is okay to say no to something that doesn’t work for you?

I know that is probably not what you wanted to hear but it is important that you know your value and are clear about what type of behavior is acceptable and what type of behavior you need to walk away from. Sometimes we need to lower the volume on what someone is saying and instead look at what his behavior is telling you. Can you tell me what you think his behavior has been communicating to you in the past 10 months?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Prita, Welcome to the forum! We are glad that you are here. It sounds like you are both dealing with a lot of life stress. From his perspective he feels driven to be successful and make more money. Yet, spending time on his work takes him away from the relationship he is working for.

Has your relationship with your husband always been like this? What type of things did you used to do that brought the two of you together? What things did you enjoy doing? I know it might sound weird but have you thanked him for working so hard? Have you told him you think he is doing a great job and that you believe in him?

I’m sure you’ve read a lot of James material. One thing that might be helpful for you is learning to talk to your husband in a way that makes him feel respected rather than criticized. For instance, If you share some positive feedback with him about all of his hard work he might be more open to taking a break and doing something fun and relaxing. If you share that you are worried about him and that he deserves to take a break sometime that will land differently than complaining about his work. Does this make sense.

Have you tried to ignite his hero instinct? Maybe ask him to help move something in the house and then just say thank you and give him a big smile. You mention that he experiences you being critical but you label it complaining. I will tell you that complaining is like kryptonite to man. We all have the choice to use positive feedback or negative feedback. In my experience positive feedback is always more effective.

John Gottman is a relationship Guru and he has done a lot of research regarding what makes a relationship last and what behaviors help partners to stay connected in a positive manner. He says that happy couples have a 4 to 1 ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions. A positive interaction cold be as simple as rubbings shoulders, complimenting him, making something he loves for dinner. Negatives would include being critical, rolling your eyes, doing things that you know really bothers the other person, etc. If you think about your relationship with your husband what do you think the current ratio of positive to negative is currently?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Rebecca, I’m so sorry. This must be increadible frustrating for you. I can understand why you are becoming less and less interested each day. How could you stay interested in someone who is not really there?

Remember how you shared earlier that he avoids conflict at all costs and that small things feel like conflict to him? Well I think that is what is at play here. He knows that there might be some disagreement and friction in a conversation at this point so he is avoiding it. My guess is he will continue to avoid it and push it off until you are completely uninterested in him. Then, when you tell him you are no longer interested in talking he will be surprised. At this point what are you doing to take care of yourself and support yourself?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Sharon, I seems like he responded within a few days and seemed friendly. Can you share why it is you feel worse? Did you read something into his responses?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Sharon, I can totally understand why you are having a difficult day. I know it might sound counter intuitive but what do you think about calling a friend and going out to do something fun? It might help to distract you and might even lead to some fun. It’s a good idea to create some positive distractions right now as you move through this. Can you think of anything that you would like to do?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Andrea, Welcome, we am so glad that you are here! The connection may seem good but you need a lot more time and face to face interaction to determine if he is your person. It sounds like you may have gotten a bit carried away and gone to a level of deep feelings too quickly. While it is normal to wonder about someone and have some degree of fantasy about if things could work out, creating a lasting relationship takes a lot of time and effort.

One thing that I want to clarify is that his coming back to you to sext does not mean that he has deep feelings for you. Men are able to separate sex from love in a way that women struggle with. So he could sext someone on and off for years without ever developing an emotional connection. I know that is not what you want to hear and I am sorry. Please know that we will always be honest with you.

I’m curious, if you want a lasting relationship why aren’t you looking at dating sites with people who are looking for the same thing. The site you met him on is a sexting sight. I would not expect to build a lasting relationship with anyone you meet there.

You shared that you’ve never been in a relationship before. Can you share more about what has gotten in the way for you in the past? Maybe that is a place to start.

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Junie, I am seeing your propensity to over think. I do not think that you should initiate. You need to see if this guy can keep the momentum going. Right now it is difficult to know if he will do that. Yes, he made a 180 and we need to see if this is the pace he is staying or if he will continue to come and go.

I think it is good that he have to wait to see you while you are away. Being busy and unavailable is a good option at this point. You mentioned that he has not responded to your texts. How many texts has he not responded to?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Sharon, You sound really clear and strong. I acknowledge you as this is not a simple thing to be in this type of situation. You will of course have your days of doubt and worry. Please know that we are here to help and support you!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Sharon, While it felt sudden, my guess is he was feeling overwhelmed for some time. It is difficult to manage all of the things that life brings us at times. I agree with Heidi that part of the issue is that the two of you have been together for 4 month and are still trying to work how to juggle everything.

I wonder if there have been any changes with his parents situation or his own health lately that have made him feel even more overwhelmed? Also, I’m wondering what you think about sending him a text in a week or so like I outlined above?

Kanya

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