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Hi Carol, Seems like things still feel off for you and possibly for him. I went back and reread through the thread. I noted that Heidi’s first answer to you was about you committing to being there no matter wha because he has felt you waffling. He is indeed looking for emotional connection. You are looking for assurances as to where this is and where it is going. If you make the focus on being a safe place for him and developing more emotional connection and safety I think he will start to connect on a deeper level. Feeling safe to be himself is imperative.
It seems as though you might be looking for reassurance in all situations and in everything he says. I’m not sure this is a realistic expectation. He needs to be unclear at times and he needs to be able to be himself without feeling as though everything that comes to oh his mouth needs to give you reassurance. Of course I’m not saying that this is what you are doing or literally asking for. I just think you are wanting it to help calm your own fears.
The reality is, neither of you knows where this will ultimately go. You want a commitment and marriage and the whole deal. He wants to find someone that he feels safe with. Given that he went to the site with you long with some other behavior he is clearly wanting to make you feel safe and give you what you need. Have you tried using positive reinforcement to encourage emotional safety? When he gives you something that makes you feel better, compliment him. Say things like “I love when you are supportive and comforting. It makes me feel safe and heard.”
Can I also suggest that you not take his comments about the future personally. For instance, if he talks about having kids in the future, don’t assume that that will not be with you. Instead share sometime like, “I haven’t read you say that before. Thanks for opening up.” Then let it go. If you give him space to be himself he will open up more and more!
He asked you to go to Japan next year. This to me means that he assumes you will be together next year. Even in that you aren’t finding comfort. While he can give you more reassurance, you need to focus on feeling confident yourself. Other wise, even when he gives you reassuring signals you won’t believe them or hear them. What if your focus is to help him feel emotionally safe? He has been clear that this is what he wants and needs to get close. What type of things have you learned on this sight that you can do to help him feel more safe?
Kanya
Hu Junie, Have you and he talked about dating other people? Was that an agreement that you made in the past? You seem to know him fairly well. What is your gut saying about him dating other people? I think you could bring it up in a playful way. When you are talking about you going on your trip you could say something like “I don’t need to worry about you getting bored and hanging out with anyone else, do I?” and see how he responds. You’re not accusing him of anything but you are opening the door for him to talk about anything if he needs to. What do you think?
And, the Disney GIF’s are totally cute!
Kanya
I hear your frustration! I love the idea of spending time at the rec center! I’m also wondering if there is a charitable organization you could volunteer for? You could even consider joining the board of a non-profit. You’re have the opportunity to give back and meet some new people. Do you have any close friends that you could travel with, maybe do a tour that would be interesting. That way you meet a lot of people that you hang out with for a week. And, you meet people with similar interests. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Nicole, SO exciting! I love the idea of staying present and I agree, it isn’t always easy to do. One thing to remember, when people feel depressed it is usually because they are thinking about things that have happened in the past. When people are anxious it is usually because they are worrying about things that could occur in the future. When you worry check and see what you are thinking about. Just make note of it, take a deep breath and redirect your thoughts to the present. You can do this!
Kanya
Hi Karen, I noticed that you have two threads going at the same time and there is a lot of overlap. Would it be okay if we stick with the other thread rather than having 2? No needs to respond here if you’re good with that! Thanks!
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, You’re just not meeting anyone-yet. Sometimes we need to have a first date with 10 different guys before meeting someone who is a good fit. Have you considered changing your mind set a bit? What if, instead of making the goal of dating to meet someone you instead made the goad to learn more about yourself and what you are looking for in a relationship. In my experience that takes a lot of pressure off of yourself and anyone you are communicating with. Kind of make it a research project. Set some goals about how many dates you’d like to go on, things you would like to learn about yourself, and create a Vision Board for your ideal relationship. If you shift your focus and intention in that way how do you think that will affect dating overall?
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, I love how clear you are! Have you actually sat down and written out an Ideal Scene or created a vision board for the relationship you intend to create? It is a great way to get clear on what you want and put that positive energy out into the Universe.
Have yo ever done a vision board? Here is a link to an instructional video: https://youtu.be/iamZEW0x3dM. Take a look and let me know what you think!
Kanya
Hi Junie, You got it, girl! Yes, when men take space it usually has nothing to do with the women in their lives. And, it does not mean that the woman did anything wrong. I am so glad that you are getting this concept at a deeper level. Men are single focused and sometimes need time and space to figure things out. The more women support this, the more respected and understood a man feels.
Thanks for sharing more about what is happening for you in terms of protesting. How are you doing with all of that occurring around you? I hope you have increased your self care during this stressful time. Meeting during the day makes a lot of sense given what you are dealing with. I really acknowledge you for how you are dealing with all of this. You rock! When are you headed out of town?
Kanya
Hi Karen, These are great questions! First, rather than igniting his hero instinct around his project, I suggest you ignite it around ways he can help or support you. Perhaps there is something he can help you life or move in the house? Or something he has a lot of expertise in the you could as his opinion on. You want to help him to tune in to being your hero. Does that make sense?
In terms of your second question, I would start by acknowledging his focus and excitement about his project. Then, ignite his hero instinct. Say something like “I need your help.” Then ask him to help you with something small like “Can you get something off of the shelf for me?” or “Can you carry this box to the basement for me?” Then, after he does it be a bit effusive thanking him. My guess is he currently doesn’t think he can be a strong man in a giving and caring way. As you shift your energy away from resentment and towards feeling open and accepting with him, the hope is he will start to feel more capable and more confident.
In terms of your last question, I can understand why you would like him to have more insight about how his childhood continues to affect him. The thing is, no one wants to feel flawed or broken. Based on what you have shared about him it is clear that he doesn’t have a lot of confidence and is defensive when he feels judged. Going at him directly will back fire as it will put up more walls around him. One suggestion is to stop focusing on the ways he could improve. Instead, see this as something you both need to work on. Talk about the two of you as a team who can work on things together. See if doing so will help him be more open.
One thing I do want to say is that his behavior at times is very hurtful and this may be the type of situation were you do everything you can do but he still isn’t open to growing. You’re already in a position where you feel responsible for his feelings. The thing is, while you can shift to a more loving type of interaction with him, he is responsible for his feelings and how he chooses to express himself. And, you get to decide if that works for you. I think there is more that you can do to turn things around but I just wanted to caution you about getting stuck in a situation that is not or will not change.
Is he open to going to see a couples therapist?
Kanya
Hi Karen, It looks like you have two threads going at the same time. I hear how dedicated you are to learning and growing. You are doing such an amazing job. It is also important to remember that you can’t do the healing for other people-that is something they have to do for themselves. At this stage your husband probably doesn’t think that he needs help. He is under the impression that it is everyone else who needs to change.
When he is venting about your family, have you tried empathizing with him? Saying things like “I understand. That sounds really frustrating. I can see why that hurt you.” as he is talking may make it easier for him to calm down. Empathizing doesn’t mean you agree. It just means you respect his experience and point of view.
I would try some new tactics and see if that helps him feel more understood. People who feel understood often find it easier to calm down and connect with the hurt that resides under the anger.
Kanya
Hi Karen, I can understand why this feels a bit confusing. Your husband is so over focused at times it is difficult to get through to him. Think about upsets or frustrations he has had with you in the past. DO you think he is angry about anything or feeling hopeless about anything? Yes he wants to make more money and be more successful. I’m wondering why that is important to him? Will he feel more like an equal? More of a provider? I wonder if he is ashamed of where he is professionally and this is why he works so hard. One thing I would start to do is complement him more. Not for working hard but for wanting more for both of you and for wanting to take care of you. That is probably where is confidence is lacking. If you share that he is already giving you the things he is driven to give you he may feel safe to let him walls down a bit.
I also suggest you read the report “The Missing Step to Getting Your Needs Met” on the Irresistible Insights page. It goes into depth about how to ask for what you need in a way that a man can more easily here. Take a look and see how you can start to implement the ideas for your situation. We’re a=happy to help you fine tune! Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, I find it interesting that you have the opportunity to develop a new friendship by inviting him for Thanksgiving and yet you are letting that opportunity go. You are really committed to developing new friendships and spending more time being feminine around males. SO I as you, why not jump in and ask him to join you for Thanksgiving. IT will be his first experience with a Canadian Thanksgiving and I’m sure he would welcome so time in a family setting since he is away from his family. May I ask what is holding you back?
Kanya
Hi Nicole, I love the idea of writing a letter you don’t send so that you can express your feelings. This is a powerful exercise and one of my favorites.
In terms of compliments, definitely be authentic. Even if it is difficult now, the more you do it the easier it will be. James has a great article on the Irresistible Insights page entitled “Compliments That Draw Men Closer.” It will give you more ideas about the art of compliments. In terms of your specific questions, one compliment that came to mind relates to him getting an extra day off. Saying something like; “That is great! You’re such a good problem solver.”
In terms of taking a semester off, you could say something like “I know you’ll make the right decision. You’re good at figuring things out.” Compliments can be short but sweet. In my experience they will saund more authentic as well. I challenge you to think of some compliments for these situations and send them in your next message!
Kanya
Hi Karen, Thanks for sharing more information. As you shared, this has been his pattern and it seems as though he is becoming more and more focused on the project being his focus. It sounds like so much f his self worth is wrapped up in the project that he can’t really think of anything else.
Let’s explore this a bit more to learn more about you. You shared that you tend to put his needs and interests first. Is this something you do with other people as well? Is this something you learned early in your life? Sometimes we learn things without even realizing it and then we carry those lessons into adulthood and into adult relationships. If you look back at your life, is putting your needs aside a pattern?
Kanya
Hi Kim, This is great news. It sounds as though he is finding balance with alone time to process and time with you. I can understand you’re having questions. I did want to comment on the one that you mentioned. Do you really want to know what he does in that time or is there another question that you are wondering about. Do you want to know if he is interacting with other people? Do you wonder if he is spending time with his ex? Can you take a deeper look and see why this is important to know?
Kanya
