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Hi Rhonda, Hmmmmm. Is it me or are you getting a lot of attention from men these days? It seems as though a lot has changed in terms of your energy in the past few weeks and months in terms of the number of friendly men who are interested in getting to know you.
As I reviewed what you’ve shared in the past few months it is clear that all of this attention is not a coincidence! I think it relates to all the inner work you’ve been doing as well as the outer actions you have been willing to take. And of course, your energy related to men is sooooo different. Most people do not realize the degree to which an energy change can make a difference in your life.
Keep up the amazing work you amazing woman!
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, You do know what you want and it is important to trust that! We’ll be thinking of you in the next few weeks. Check in when you can as we are here for you!
Kanya
Hi Emilie, So good to hear from you! What a fun, unexpected meeting. He sounds like he could be an interesting guy. I like that he is making the effort and hope that he will sustain it over time.
One thing I find interesting is that you had no expectations of meeting him or of a potential relationship and boom-he sought you out and you ended up meeting and having a great time. Don’t you love when that happens? I do 🙂 Will you continue to be busy and focused on other areas of your life? Seems like that may be creating an interesting dynamic related to dating. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, I hear you. It is confusing but I am glad other that you are starting to get perspective on this and the reality of the past few weeks.You are wiser and stronger as a result of this and I hope that you are giving yourself credit for that. What are you doing to support yourself at this time? It’s probably a good idea to increase your self care in all of this as you deserve it! Do you have a support team checking in with you and helping you through this? What can we do to further support you?
Kanya
Hi JS, I am so sorry. Break ups can be so painful. In some ways you are learning to be a good friend to yourself and learning to comfort yourself which I know that it can be difficult. I think it is get that you are calling on friend for support. I have no doubt that you would come to their aid if you!
Are you familiar with Inner Child work? It is a concept that we all have younger parts inside of us that hold the hurt that we felt as children when our emotional needs weren’t getting met. Most of us do not have a healthy blue print for self comfort and reassurance when something like this happens, I get that you want to call him and probably have so much to say. I think that is a normal, human response. One exercise that helps a lot of my clients is Free Form Writing. Sit down with a blank piece of paper and write out everything that you want to say to him/about this situation. DOn’t worry about grammar or punctuation. Just let yourself get it out. When you are done do not reread what you wrote. Instead, rip it up into tiny little pieces and let it go!
Then, write a letter to the part inside of you that is hurting. Let her know that she is amazing, beautiful and special just the way she is! Let her know that you will always be there for her, loving her and protecting her. Start to imagine the younger part of you that is feeling sad in all of this. Imagine holding her and reassuring her. Let your emotions be free as you connect to this precious part of yourself. You can even hug a pillow and imagine that you are holding her close. Do this for a few minutes each day and I believe you will start to feel a lot better! Try it today and let me know how it goes. WE are here for you so keep checking in!
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, Uggggh. I am so sorry that he is handling this in this way. Please don’t be hard on yourself. It sounds like in your last meeting you actually responded in a way that was understandable and appropriate. You shared that you demonstrated more emotion than he liked but his level of emotions is not healthy. Rather than feeling his emotions he gets overwhelmed and shuts them down. I am so glad that you do not do this! Emotions are vital to a human being healthy and happy. All emotions are vital. And, you are learning to feel them and respond in a mature manner. To me that is an important skill to have and one that I am so glad that you have developed.
It is natural to go back and question things and rethink past actions and responses. It’s called bargaining and it is part of the 5 steps of grieving. The challenge is, when we go back and rethink we tend to remember things differently than they were in some way. Often times we aren’t being realistic with ourselves about what occurred and how we responded. This is the time to be gentle with yourself and to trust yourself. It seemed as though you were becoming less of who you needed to be and more of who he needed you to be. That is not something that is sustainable and this is not something that would make you feel confident and secure over time. Focus on being you and know that you will fond someone who matches you and your personality better than he did. You get to have emotions and to think freely, and to have needs in a relationship. You want to be with someone who brings out your best self not tells you to shut down because he is uncomfortable with emotions. Yes, it will hurt for awhile but I can hear that you are approaching this is a good way and as you stay grounded and realistic you will move through this! Please keep checking in as we are here to support you and reflect back to you that you are amazing!
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, Hmmmm…2 1/2 hour hours of great conversation and understanding. At a minimum it sounds like you have a potential great friend on your hands. Even if here are deal breakers like smoking and drinking, can you focus on the fact that the two of you connected? That you understand each other? That you have very similar back grounds? That to me seems like the place to start. You need to get to know him better to dermine what is here but I certainly would trust your gut and see him again even just casually or as a friend.
I think I’ve mentioned before that you have the tendency to put yourself down. Asking and thinking “What’s wrong with me” is an example of that. There is nothing wrong with you! Nothing! You are a great person and an amazing woman. It is understandable that you want to spend time with someone you clicked with. Let yourself enjoy this process. You removing forward and growing and meeting men. Focus on forward movement! You re getting close to what you want and honing your desires. All of this is good!
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, I agree that while we can’t control how people act we can control out reactions to them. It is important to remember that our reactions refer not just to what we say r do but also how we feel and what the inner dialogue with our self is like. So, when your boss is mean, what is your inner voice saying to you? Is it supportive, loving, kind? We all have triggers. I grew up with a mom who thought it was selfish for me to focus on what I needed so I still struggle at times with trying to take care of other people.
What types of situations make you feel bad about yourself? What are some triggers you deal with?Kanya
Hi Laura, I am soooo glad that you are here! What you are going through is so stressful. I used to run fertility groups at UCLA and the symptoms you describe in your husband are completely normal! First, of course things don’t feel the same. Making a baby has become a medical intervention. There are so many people involved at this point. I imagine that the spontaneity is gone, right? Everything is timed now based on what someone else tells you. How could it feel the same?
My guess is you are feeling sad and depressed as well. It is difficult to have fun when you feel that way. These changes are not a result of a problem with the relationship. They are about going through a highly stressful situation for years. Most couples go through infertility alone. Their friends don’t understand and they just keep having babies. The pain of seeing your friends move forward can cause more isolation. How many baby showers do you have to go to when you are in pain and have to hide it because no one will understand? It also makes sense that your husband is feeling like he is failing you. We’re taught that getting pregnant is easy. Dealing with infertility for this long makes us question everything.
Now for what you can do-first, stop talking to him about infertility for now. Talk to a counselor instead so that you get those feelings out but tae a break from talking about it with your husband. It’s not that I want you to hide your feelings. Instead, I am suggesting that you start to look at your entire relationship and your entire life and identify the things that are working. Identify your lessings. Identify ways for you and your husband to have fun again. Many couples in this situation can get in a rut where their focus on fertility becomes all encompassing. What type of things did the two of you used to enjoy doing? Did you have special places that you liked to visit? Activities you liked to do? Reconnect to those times and start to do those things again.
Literally find things to enjoy and look forward to. Redirect your sad feelings so that you no longer live in the sadness. You might also look for a support group in your area. RESOLVE.org is the web site for the National Infertility Association. They sponsor support groups throughout the United States. You can go on your own or you and your husband can go. I think it might be helpful to connect with other couples who are dealing with this.
As you probably know, there are many books for women on this subject but few for men. There is one that I recommend to men going though this. It’s called “What he can Expect When She is Not Expecting.” I think it might be helpful for him to see that what he is going through is part of infertility as opposed to something flawed in the relationship. Please keep checking in as we are here to support you!
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, Sounds as though there is some positive moment in terms of the amount of attention you are getting. And, it is from a different type of guy which is fantabulous!
I have noted that there is a past or you that tends to put yourself down in different ways. Like, you ask about what you are doing wrong or what is wrong with you. I noticed about, after writing a fun and flirty email you basically told a guy what YOU think is wrong with you; that you are older and that he should give you a try anyway. It’s subtle, but it is definitely there. What if you just let yourself be fun and flirty without making any excuses for yourself? To me this is about you accepting yourself and loving yourself just as you are. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Nicole, I am sorry that he is not being clear with himself or with you! You certainly deserve that after all of this time. I love that you are thinking of taking the opportunity to acknowledge past behavior that wasn’t the most supportive. This is such a reflection of who you are all all that you have learned about yourself and about relationships.
You shared that you are unsure where to go from here. Is that accurate? My sense is you do know but the options are not what you had hoped for. Until he is able to make a clear decision and stick with it things will continue to feel confusing and unclear. Are you okay with that? If not, what are YOUR options?
Kanya
Hi JS, You really are in a predicament. You want to help him understand this and work through this and at the same time you are going through your own health challenges that must make it very difficult to focus on anything else. For now it is kay to make you the priority! Actually, it is essential for you to make you the priority!
In terms of this relationship. I hear that you want it to work and I understand why. There is a lot in this relationship that works for you. I understand his inner conflict as he knows he cares for you but he doesn’t yet understand the solution to the “problem” of learning to tolerate big emotions. TO say that you were psychotic because you were upset tells me just how uncomfortable he is with emotions. Is he open to learning more and getting support from a professional to increase his emotional intelligence? IT can’t fall to you to be the only person helping him as your focus needs to be on you!
Tell me what your support system is like? Since he is not able to support you emotionally, who is supporting you emotionally? Family? Friends? Coworkers? Therapist? Given what you are going through it would be good to have a support team in place to help you over the next few months. Have you thought about what YOU need at this difficult time?
Kanya
Hi Carol. Well I can promise that even though he isn’t giving a big and effusive thank you, the kind things you sy to him do mean a lot!
The 3 steps you list are a great place to start. That doesn’t mean you hold on to angry or negative thoughts/ feelings. It means that you start to trust him, and your connection, enough to know that he can take space, or spend time with a female friend. It also means learning to speak with him in a respectful way. For example, why do you think he keeps some things from you like having dinner with a female friend? Most likely because he knows you will be upset. I know it sounds strange, but what do you think could happen if he has dinner with a friend? DO you think he could that easily forget about you? To me this is about you really stepping into your confidence and trust.
The reality is, letting him be him and trusting him to make good decisions is an important way to build emotional safety. Yes, when he opens up about something he wants int he future don’t focus on whether or not you are included in the scenario. Instead, be supportive af his dreams and aspirations. Ironically, being able to do that will make him more open to you being a part of those plans. For instance, when he talked about possibly wanting to have a child in the future, you felt left out. Another way to approach that would have been to treat him like a friend and ask him to share more details about that. Let him share why that might be fun or important to him. Then, thank him for opening up and sharing.
The two o you are separate people who are having a relationship. That means that there are still parts of you that are separate. That is actually important because you both need to go out into world, have experiences, and teach each other new things. It’s an important way to keep a relationship interesting and new. Can you share a specific incident that occurred that was difficult for you and we can give you some idas about how to handle things differently? Perhaps something that annoyed you?
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, I think it is great that you are learning how to have connections. Of course feeling isolated stinks! It seems like you’ve been doing a great job of this in the past few months. Would you say that you have developed some friendships along the way? I can see where Heidi is coming from. If your goal in all of this is to meet a man and get into a relationship you may end up feeling let down when that doesn’t happen. What if you shifted your goals a bit. Rather than the end goal being to meet someone, who if the goal is to just make new friends and have more connections in your life? The reality is, as you do that you will naturally be exposed to more and more people. And that will mean you meet more and more of their friends and families. Thus creating more opportunity for you to see to meet someone, even if that is not the main goal. Does that make sense?
Have you started to pursue friendships with the people you are meeting in the meet ups? If you were going to do so, what would your next step be?
Kanya
Hi Nicole, I am sorry that he may not be coming for a visit. I hear that he is saying one thing and your gut is saying another. When this happens to me I always defer to my gut. That doesn’t mean that you call him on anything or ask him to follow your gut. Instead, I would assume that he is not coming. I would just move forward as if that has already been decided. When he texts or calls and talks about it satay neutral. Say things like “I’m sure you’ll figure things out” or “I hear that things are really busy right now” but don’t push for more. Let him be the one struggling with this but take yourself out of the struggle. Right now he waffling so much that it isn’t fair to you and is making things more confusing than they need to be.
You could be more direct with him and say something like “I notice that you keep talking about visiting but a reason always comes up to derail your plans. It’s okay if you want to let this trip go for now and focus on other things.” Then stop talking and let him struggle with finding a way to answer. It you keep listening, he might pen up more.
I may have missed you sharing this but are you sure he has a girlfriend?
Kanya
