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Hi Daniella, I can see why you are feeling confused; he is sending you mixed signals. He did jump in quickly. I think his initial behavior is a red flag. It was premature for him to introduce you to his mom. It takes time, care, and focus to really get to know each other, that needs to occur first! He seemed to jump many stages necessary to building emotional intimacy which leads to love.
I understand your concern that he will think that you are not interested. The thing is, men do not respond to space the way woman do. WE think someone is no longer interested but men will start to wonder if we’ve moved on and will reengage in an attempt to win us back. For now, do take a step back. Be less available to him when he texts. By that I mean do respond immediately. Show him that you have a lot going on in your life and that you are not sitting around waiting to hear from him.
He may just be a little overwhelmed at this point as he has jumped into a relationship in just a month. Use the time when you are away to reconnect, have fun, and just be the amazing woman that you are! Don’t focus your conversation of where things are going and what his commitment level is. Just enjoy your time together. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Michelle, That is an interesting observation. Glad that you are being so supportive of others on the site! We appreciate your being here and being an important part of our community!
Kanya
Hi Carol, You seem to be getting a lot of support simply by learning to understand him more. That is great! It seems like as you learning more about his Myers Briggs you were able to understand some of him behavior as just part of who he is. I am glad that this was helpful!
What are you going to do for yourself this week? I think it would be helpful to sit down and do some writing to help you identify what you want and what you are ready for. You already know how much space he needs and how difficult it is for him to talk through differences. Is that something that is going to work for you? What level of interaction fo you need? What style of communication brings out the best in you in a relationship?
He mentioned something about backing of because of “what happened last weekend.” Have you shared what occurred with us? That will probably need to be addressed for the two of you to move on.
Kanya
Hi Em, Your reaction to him stepping back is very telling lol One thing I know about you is that you will keep moving forward and bringing your best self forward! I’m wondering, is there anyone in your day to day life that you are interested in? A neighbor, coworker, friend of a friend? Even if there is a male friend that you can spend more time with? I think there would be value in doing that. Make sense?
Kanya
Hi Hannah, WOw, you are learning and growing which is amazing. If I can I’d like to challenge the notion that failure is even possible win a relationship. From my perspective, even if a relationship does not work out that is not a failure is you are open to continue to learn and grow. Not all relationships are meant to last forever so when one ends, it is not a failure!
When you do reach out to him, I suggest you ignite his hero instinct! Send a text that says simply “I need your help.” When he responds, ask him a question about something he is an expert in or even something that he is really interested in even if he is not an expert. Is he a foodie? Is he into a certain type of music? HAs he traveled somewhere that you are thinking of going, etc. I suggest you have the question in your mind before you send the “I need you help” text so you are ready to act when he responds.
On another note, are you dating people who are local? When was the last time you had a face to face date?
Kanya
Hi Michelle, I am so sorry this is so painful. I have been there and the pain is real! The best way to change what you are feeling is to change what you are thinking as all of our emotions come from our thoughts.
From what I can gather, you are thinking things like “He’s never going to talk to me again” “We’ve known each other for 25 years. How can he do this” as well as many other thoughts. In reality, you don’t know what is going on for him. So, what you are saying to yourself about this is a story you are making up asa you go. What if you started to change your thinking to a more neutral tone? Here are some suggestions:
I don’t really know what is happening. Maybe he is going through a tough time.
Maybe he is dating someone else and she found out what happened and he needs to take a break.
I don’t agree with what he is doing but I know I am a good person who deserves more.
This is someone that I don’t see often, who takes up a small piece of my life.
In reality, my day to day life will not be very different than how it was before he blocked me.Does that make sense? The reality is, the two of you had feelings for each other but have spent very little time together.
Let’s switch to you for a bit. I agree, if any break up feels like this I too think that dating would be really scary! Yet, you are doing a disservice to yourself by not letting yourself meet someone that you could have a solid relationship with someone. Are you familiar with the 4 different types of attachment styles? Here is a link to a video that explains them. Can you read it and them let us know what you think about the styles and what style seems to match you?
Kanya
Hi Michelle, It sounds like his behavior is really confusing. I’m glad you are here! So, even though you have had 1-2 year breaks, which you say is just the way you like it, it seems like him blocking you in the thing that is most upsetting. If he hadn’t done that, when would you have seem him again?
25 years is a long time. Have the two of you had other relationships, serious or casual in that time? If so, how have you handled this times? Do you think it is a possibility that he might be dating someone else and blocking you because he doesn’t want the woman he is dating to see your messages?
Kanya
Hi Hanna, Thank yo for sharing more. It is really helpful. From my perspective, there are a ew red flags. First, the two of you never met in person. In that type of situation there is a lot of opportunity to imagine and romanticize who a person is. I get the sense that this has in this situation.
You shared that you are in love with him and while I am sure you have strong feelings for him, right now you are in love with the idealized version of him. Communicating on line and on the phone allows people to continue to show just who they want you to see PLUS, humans tend to idealize potential partners initially. It takes tae to face time and getting to know someone by interacting with them in person in their day to day lives. You need to see how they deal with stress. You need to see how the two of you deal with conflict. Couples need to interact with each other’s family and friends to see how they all fit together. Does this make sense?
I know you are long distance but are you close enough to be able to spend time together on a regular basis?
Kanya
Hi Rhona, Sounds like you have a great weekend planned. So proud of you and all the ways you are opening up, all the ways you have grown. Enjoy your weekend and we look forward to your next update!
Kanya
Hi Carol, It sounds as though you are getting more clear on what you want and is acute;;u possible. That is not an easy pill to swallow. I acknowledge you for understanding that this is making you less interested every time he pulls away. You are doing a lot of waiting and that can really take a toll. You mentioned something about him pulling away for 1 while day at some point but it seems as though he actually pulls away for much longer periods of time.
Overall it seems like you both have different tolerance levels for communicating about difficult subjects AND most disagreements seem like difficult subjects to discuss. As Heidi mentioned, couples needs to be able to resolve conflicts, big and small, in order to maintain connection. His tolerance levels for this seems low at this time. You seem to have more tolerance for the discomfort that comes with this. That is why yo are willing to stay connected even when things are off. He doesn’t seem to have enough tolerance to actually resolve conflicts.
You have 5 days until the two of you will talk. How do you want to use this time in a way that helps you?
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, It sounds to me as though you are grieving this relationship and hitting all the stages; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. You will feel these different stages, kind of back and forth, as you move through this process. It is totally normal. When you feel the sadness and tears, let them out as fully as you can.
A lot of times people try to hold back but the reality is, the more you can let them go the faster you will go through this process. Embracing the pain when it is there will help it pass more quickly. Has you ever been in the ocean and rode the waves? Isn’t that far easier than standing up and fighting against the waves? Well, emotions come in waves and we need to learn to ride them. Remember that no wave lasts forever. AS you move through this process the waves of emotions will get smaller and come less frequently.
I did what to share an idea with you. From my experience, when we feel depressed it is often because we are thinking about the past and missing something or grieving something. Anxiety is usually about the thoughts and concerns we have about the future. The next time you feel anxious, identify your thoughts and see if you can change them to something more realistic and positive. I know it is difficult but you will get through this!
Kanya
Hi Isabel, Thank you for sharing more information. It is helpful! I can understand why you don’t know what to do from here. Have either of you reached out to each other this week? Did you talk about what ‘space’ mean for the two of you. For some people they might not see each other for awhile but are comfortable testing and keeping in touch. Others want a full no contact in effectIf the two of you are open to texting perhaps send a text in the next few days to just check in. Don’t ask about the relationship but instead let him know that you love him and support him and just wanted to let him know that you were thinking about him.
Of course, it is far more complicated that this but for now he needs simplicity and perhaps you do as well. While this is not what you would have chosen, it would be helpful it you found a way to make this time useful for you. Is there something you have been wanting to do or work towards? I know you are in a new city so perhaps you focus on building up your network. Focus more time on your new friends, finding fun things to do and getting your home set up the way you like.
I do want to check in and see if you are okay with waiting these next few months. You will probably need some time to think about it and determine that. What is your boyfriend doing to get more clear? If he is working with a therapist and has a clear plan he will get through this. If, however, he is going to stay off of his medication and not get help working through this then I wonder what will be different in a few months. Did the two of you talk about doing some therapy sessions together?
Kanya
Hi Em, I can understand feeling some anxiety at this point. You are still getting to know him and figuring out how he ticks. Think of this as a time for learning and work with the part of you that worries when ebbs occur. All connections have ebbs and flows and you will find your rhythm! And yes, you having more time and him having less time can feel like it is more than just logistics. For now, stay calm and carry on! You are demonstrating so much self awareness and understanding regarding relationships these days it is really inspirational! You go girl!
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, I really acknowledge your insight-your walls go up immediately and your guard is up. When you are a bright shining light it take a lot of work to combat a negative person. I’m glad that his time on the train is coming to an end. And, in the mean time you may want to sit elsewhere occasionally! You have no obligation to sit with him and continue to be the person he bounces his negativity off of.
My guess is he is incredibly sad and overwhelmed with grief and expressing it negativity is the way that he is channeling all of these difficult feelings. For many men, negativity and even anger are far more comfortable than the more vulnerable emotions such as sadness and fear.
It you are at the point where you might loss your temper, mayne it is time to take a break from your train buddy for a while so that you can care for yourself! I am sorry that Aregenes moved. It sounded like he was a really interesting friend with an amazing history. I hope you re enjoying your trip and having at least a little fun!
Kanya
Hi Isabel, Welcome! I am really glad that you are here. First, I want to acknowledge you for your patience and maturity. You could have questioned your boyfriend at dinner and in front of others but instead ups waited and had a private conversation with him which was completely the way to go!
As I read what you share I am confused so I can only imagine why you are confused. He is clearly giving you mind messages. On the one hand he says that he loves you and wants to marry you and on the other hand he says he has doubts and needs space. It is really difficult to know what is going on. My first question is-how long has he been on antidepressants? Has he ever been off of them while you are dating? It is clear that him going of the medication is creating some questions but at this point I think he needs to work with someone and explore what is going on for him.
One of the cognitive symptoms of depression is indecision. And, people who are depressed tend to make decisions that are less likely to further and better themselves and their goals them people who are not experiencing symptoms of depression. Is he working with a psychiatrist or therapist on this? I think it would be helpful. There was a reason he started the medication and it is important fo this safety to make sure he is getting support at this time.
For now I would say do not panic. It is too soon to tell if this is something he really wants or a phase he is going through. Instead, maintain your friendship with him. Respond to him if he texts, send occasional texts igniting his hero instinct and reminding him of how fun and awesome you are. All long term couples go through times of indecision. While it is difficult, it often results in a stronger relationship.
How did you both leave it when you left to go home?
Kanya
