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Hi Karisa, I do think that reconnecting with him is the priority over reconnecting to his children. A few things come to mind regarding how to do this. Have you checked out the Irresistible Insight page on this site? James has posted a lot of helpful articles that might interest you and help you at this time. One that jumps out for me is “Compliments that Draw Men Closer.” I suggest you take a look and start to think about what compliments would fit with your guy. Then, start to apply them and see if things begin to shift over time. Is that something you think you can do?
Kanya
Hi Melissa, this is an incredible awareness! So, once you were divorced you reconnected to those insecurities from childhood of not being good enough. That makes sense. When we go through any significant change, like a divorce or a big move, or losing a job, or the loss of a parent, we to regress as we loss confidence and question our abilities. I think it is time to work through this. You deserve to let these judgments go and to really appreciate yourself!
I suggest you make a list of all of your self judgments related to being emough. Then, on a separate piece of paper write a paragraph challenging all of the judgments. As an example, if you write something like “I feel lonely and alone when I have a night to myself. I wonder what is wrong with me when I am alone.” Then, you would write a paragraph talking about things more realistically such as “Just because I have a night on my own doesn’t mean that I am unlovable or unworthy or flawed in some ways. Those are just judgements and insecurities, not the truth. The truth is I am very loved. My family and friends love me and show me this all the time. My boyfriend loves me even if he is moody and not available when I am free. And, los timportantly I love myself and am growing in my appreciation for myself each and every day. I am amazing!”
Does that make sense? I suggest you do this exercise and when you are complete rip up and throw out your judgments. Keep your reframe and read over them every day. You can even take those paragraphs and make them into affirmations that you read daily. Give it a try and let us know what you think!
Kanya
Hi Morgan, I get where you are coming from. It sounds like your perception is that you need to be more a part of what he is going through in order to help him change. While I understand why you would b=feel that way, are you open to considering another thought? What if having space from you would actually give him more of a chance to process and grow? I know it is difficult to imagine but maybe time and space on his own could help him realize a few things that could be helpful?
If you can imagine that this could happen one day whether it be in a month or several years, it will take courage to trust. It will take courage to trust that things will work out. We just can’t know from this vantage point what path will get you both to where you ultimately need to be. But we do know that he needs space and you also need space. There has been so much back and forth that this has become a confusing situation. I understand the desire to have an answer now but it is just not possible.
The reality is, speeding up the process may actually be making things more difficult, may actually be slowing things down. You and he have maintained connection through this. My perception is, if that was what was going to be helpful it would have already worked. I know it is hard but what if you really took a step back and trusted that things were going to be okay no matter what? Have you had other situations in life where you needed to do that as well? IF so, what helped you get through it?
Kanya
Hi Morgan, I am so glad to hear that you are doing better! It must be nice to feel a sense of relief. For now, taking a step back seems like a good way to go. Of course you will want to talk to him to work things out. Why, because this is so painful. However, you both have tried that one ran over and it hasn’t led to solutions. For now, focus on you, do lots of things to take care of yourself. And, when you are feeling low focus on why you are taking a break and what the benefits are to you and to him.
You will have a lot of opportunities to deal with difficult situations in life. You will be in limbo when waiting to hear if you got accepted the college of your choice. You will wait to achieve long term goals. You will invest in your career with no guarantee of achieving your goals. All you can do is take a breath, trust yourself, and keep moving forward.
I am very proud of you for how you are dealign with this. I know it must be hard to see him and have him not talk to you but you are managing it better and better each day. While it is difficult to see, I do believe this will prepare you for other difficult situations in your life. For now, I would let go of thinking of ways to create connection or help him work through this. He needs to learn how to get clear and move forward. That is an important life skill. What boundaries would you like to set if he comes back and wants to jump back in again?
Kanya
Hi Dana, I love that you figured out how to make his favorite cake. That is really impressive and such a sweet thing for you to do.
You asked why he is behaving this way. Well, this is how he deals with life. This is his response when he feels any level of emotional discomfort. Unfortunately he didn’t develop emotional intelligence and you can see the degree to which this is getting in the way for him. He needs to get support to actually learn how to do this differently. Unfortunately, every time he gets to the same place, instead of choosing a different response, he just keeps doing what doesn’t work. The reality is, he doesn’t even seem to understand what he is doing any why. Until he actually commits to a different path and gets professional support in making changes, nothing will be different.
I don’t think he is an asshole and I don’t think he is doing this to hurt you. I think that he would have to learn a new language to be able to be different. He is just lacking in this area, not purposefully being unkind. He is stuck, a deer in the headlights, because he doesn’t know what to do when he feels this way. One of my favorite quotes is by Mia Angelo “When someone shows you who they ae, believe them.” You know who he is so and when he reaches out to you, after his inner storm has assed, how do you want to respond?
Kanya
Hi Melissa, I can understand those concerns and the reality is – your concerns are real. You are investing in a relationship that may not last. But, there are no guarantees in any relationship. Nothing is forever even though it would bring us a lot of comfort if we did have guarantees. That is why we keep coming back to being i the moment, staying in the present. When we feel anxious we are projecting into an unknown future. We imagine that something will happen that will cause us pain and disappointment. What if, when you start to do this, you change the thoughts in your head to more positive ones. When you wonder if you are wasting your time, reframe that thought. Maybe something like “I’m enjoying my life, and spending time with someone I love. Even if it isn’t forever, it is not a waste of time to love.” When you think about him leaving at some point change that thought to something like “Even if this relationship ends, I will be okay. I have a get life with family and friends who will always support me. And, if things change and I want to be in a relationship I will find someone who wants the same thing I want.” Does that make sense? Share some of the thoughts you have and we can help you reframe them.
Kanya
Hi Melissa, Glad yo ar back! I agree that it isn’t healthy for you to spend this much time stressing about this. The reality is, you are in different developmental stages. He may want to go off and explore the world and himself separate from the relationship. Part of staying in the present may also be accepting that this may not be a forever relationship. I know that is hard to hear but breathe! No relationship comes with guarantees. None of them. Being in the present means enjoying now even if this is not a permanent situation.
I get the sense that there is a part of you that is really wanting him to be where you are developmentally, that this would somehow make you feel more secure and confident. Unfortunately, I don’t think he is going to be in that place for many years.
I am curious, do you ever long for someone in a different place in his life? Someone who is more established, financially secure, and ready to put down roots?
Kanya
Hi Morgan, I can understand how you are feeling. Let’s start by talking about what you can do if he comes back and says he wants to be with you but God does not support the relationship. There are a lot of things you can say and do. The reality is, until all parts of him are in full alignment with this relationship, it won’t be on solid ground. You’ve sense this and it has created a lot of anxiety for you. What if you simply tell him that while you love him, until he is sure and until he trusts that God support this, you just want to be friends? That seems like a good way to take care off ourself while he figures things out because until he figures things out he will keep coming in and out of your life. That isn’t fair to you. If he is not able to respect you enough to treat you better than you owe it to yourself to set some boundaries.
Next, I want to address your thoughts that he will eave again because you don’t say or do anything right. It is important that you not take responsibility for his behavior. You can’t be perfect, nor should you have to be perfect for him to stay in the relationship. The reason he is coming and going is because he is uncomfortable with a really healthy and normal part of himself – his sexuality. He will not be able to make his attraction and desire go away. It is something that God has given us to express our love for each other. This disconnect in him is the reason he is unclear. It is not because of anything you are doing. Please be loving to yourself. Take responsibility for your actions and let him take responsibility for his.
I totally get that you feel the two of you are meant to be together and perhaps that is true. But, it is clear that you each have a lot of growing and maturing to do before you can create a healthy and supportive relationship. You are both 18, seniors in high school, and so much of your energy is going to figure out this relationship. That is toooooo much. Relationships are complicated but not this complicated. It is normal for you to focus on you and your education at this stage in your life. If he doesn’t understand that p lease take a step back and think about that. DO you want to spend your life trying to become the person he needs you to be to feel confident in himself? He needs to learn to be confident and make clear decisions. You get to spend the next few years exploring life and getting to know yourself better. Yes, sit is scary to think about doing that without him but it is important for you to have that time, for all people your age to have that time.
Just out of curiosity, what do your parents and your friends think of this situation?
Kanya
Hi Karisa, I am so glad that you are here. I think you ask a great question – why are things so complicated? Well, I think that you listed all the reasons that this is complicated; he is a dad, has an ex, a busy life, anxiety, lots of juggling, etc. Relationships are complicated in general but when you add kids and an ex to the mix, things get more complex.
In reading that you shared, I am curious about a few things. YEs, you do like him and care for him. There are things that seem ti work well in the relationship etc. However, how are YOU feeling about him being a dad and you being 3rd in his list of priorities? That is really far down on the list. Do you think you would ever be happy with that? Were you hoping to have children one day? Is that something that he is open to doing? Since the two of you were only dating for 4 months you don’t need to figure everything out but these are some questions that you need to be asking yourself. How much do you want to invest in this at this point?
Kanya
Hi Morgan, I am so glad that you are here! It sounds as though you have been dealing with a lot of ups and downs in the past few months which is really difficult and confusing. I also acknowledge that for someone your age you do have a lot of insight and wisdom! And, I love that you are committed to learning more about yourself and relationships. You are quite impressive!
You mentioned that he is not willing to speak with a church elder but I am wondering if you are willing to do so on your own? I get the sense that it might help you make sense out of this a bit more and put your mind at rest on a few things. I think that what you both are feeling in terms of love and attraction is completely normal and it might be helpful to hear someone you respect explain this to you.
Overall it seems like he is confused and though he is trying to figure things out, he is acting impulsively in that he jumps in and out of the situation. It also sounds that whenever he wants to get back together, well perhaps you don’t know how to take a break until he gets more clear? Would you agree with that? Yes, you know you deserve more but it sounds like you aren’t sure if you can or should say no to him. By that I mean that you could let him know that you love him and want things toward out but that you need him to be clear period. That will mean that you can be friends, and be close, but that he needs to get some help figuring things out. And, he will try to get back together, to kiss, etc. You can say no, you can say that for now you want to work on your friendship, hang out, got t church, etc for a few months until he is more clear and trustworthy. Saying no to him would, in a way, be saying yes to you and to what you deserve. Have you spoken to your parents about this or an adult that you can go to for support and advice?
While we know that it is normal for people who love each other to be attracted to each other and experience desire, it sounds as though he is still trying to figure out how this all works. And, he is learning to have those desires and not act on them. That is not an easy thing. I acknowledge that he wants to be respectful and learn how to do this in a wya that works for him. But I do think that until he hears someone in a place of authority tell him that what he is feeling is normal he may continue to struggle. Even though he isn’t open to speaking to someone in the church, can he speak with his dad or an adult male family member to get another perception? Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Dana, Thank you for the update! So much has shifted for you in the past few months. You clearly are doing things differently which is so amazing! What do you think is different? How did you get to such a calm place? Tell us ore about your process.
You mentioned something about Helio having some social anxiety. While you can’t fix it for him, you can remind him when he is feeling that way that it will pass after a few minutes in the new situation. The more normal you can make this seem the better. the reality is lots of people feel a little anxious in new situations. Over time it might get better but even if it doesn’t let him know that it is okay and that you like him just as he is!
I can’t believe how much Cass has settled down. That is really amazing. I can understand why you still want to find a more appropriate placement for him and I am so glad that the experience has improved for you so you can have a positive goodbye! What a wonderful gift you have given to each other.
Is this the first time you met Helio’s parents? It sounds like you all had a wonderful time. Were their personalities like you thought they would be?
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, Your message made me think of one of my favorite quotes. It’s by Ram Das, “If you think you’re enlightened, go home for Thanksgiving.” No matter how old we are we can still get triggered or have surprising feeling surface in relation to our family. It sounds like you really are doing a great job. I’m curious to see what your experience will be like with your family as you update your thoughts related to Honoring you Mother and Father.
I would also recommend a lot of self care while you are with your family. What can you do to nurture yourself even under this stressful situation? Special PJ’s or a bath at the end of the day? Maybe looking at pics of your recent adventures to reconnect you to the amazing life you have built? What do you think would help you stay grounded and secure?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, What a great attitude! Not taking the behavior of others personally is a clear sign that you are leading with your strength rather than your insecurities. Well done!
Here is a link to a great Ted Talk by anthropologist Helen Fisher which talks about the ways online matching services have change dating and the ways the process of dating remains the same. I think you might enjoy it!
xhttps://www.ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_technology_hasn_t_changed_love_here_s_why?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare
*I was able to access the article by April by clicking on the subject line. From there I was able to access the article she referenced.
Kanya
Hi, Glad you are here on the forum!
We are definitely going to need some more information about your situation to be able to guide you. Here are some things to think about when responding:
How long have you been together
What are the good parts of the relationship?
What are the negative aspects of the relationship?
What occurred to end the relationship?
When didi the relationship end?
Was it a positive relationship up until the end?As well as anything else that you think would be helpful for us to know. I know it may be difficult to talk about but you might also find it cathartic to share and as I said, we need more information so that we can help you! Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Carol, So what he is upset about is your reaction to him saying he might want to have a baby with the right person one day. I totally get that you are in process about what he said and also your desire to improve your communication style. Just wondering if you have taken responsibility for that – not the content but the delivery – of your reaction to him? That seems like an important step in addition to all the great work and exercises you are doing.
I love your list! It is clear and you are clear. You shared that he has about half of what you want. That can be confusing because if it is the top half you will be happy but if it is the bottom half of your list, meaning the things that are less important to you, then you will most likely to be disappointed and frustrated.
So, I suggest you review that list and let yourself identify the top 3 goals/qualities. Share them with us! Then, honestly assess whether he can fulfill those top 3. I know it is a lot but you can do it! Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
