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Hi Rose, I am so glad that you are made peace with the fact that you will be okay even if this does not progress. I really acknowledge how much you are working on yourself. I know that it is not always easy but I also know that you will reap the benefits of this work in the future.
I agree that the two of you would have things to work on if you got back together. The challenge is, he doesn’t ever let you get close enough to work these things out. The main issue is that he is avoidant. He comes and goes and runs when things get too close or too real. My guess is he has these dame issues in past relationships as well. My guess is, he has had these issues his entire life. In order to work through these things he will need to show up no matter what. Unfortunately, he has not demonstrated a willingness or ability to do this.
Avoidants are adept at giving you the sense that something is about to change. They may share insights about themselves or talk about thinking about you a lot, and missing things. but notice if these thoughts and memories make him spend more time with you. Or, does he think of you when he is away from you and imagine a better relationship without actually taking action to participate in that relationship?
When we are getting mixed signals it is important to pay attention to what people are doing, to their actions, rather than paying attention to their words. Their actions tell us the true intentions of that person. The words often promise and hint at change, hint at a reconciliation, promise something int he future. But actions tell us the truth of what they are able and prepared to do. Can you begin to separate his words and actions? What do his words tell you? What do his actions tell you?
Kanya
Hi Michelle, I have to say that the heart is not necessarily the part of you that should be in charge in this situation. You get to decide if you want to participate with this person. In reality, he does not treat you well. He may have undiagnosed Asperger’s but that does not mean that he can come and go, ignore you, give mixed signals and do all of the other things that have made this relationship feel like a roller coaster.
You are working on yourself which is great. I think the next layer might be, why is all of this okay with you and something that you are willing to return to? Can you share more about your relationship history? Is it a pattern for you to date men who don’t value you? And, is it a pattern for you to allow this behavior and avoid setting boundaries? If you are honest with yourself, are you concerned that there might not be someone else out there for you?
Kanya
Hi Donna, I am glad that you realize this is a make or break moment. I would set up a timeline for yourself in terms of when you need this conversation to take place. Then, reach out to him and let him know that you ave a problem that you need his help with. See if he is willing to set a date to meet for dinner. You don’t need to tell him why. If he does meet for dinner, have that conversation with him. If he stalls and won’t commit to seeing you, the option moves to a phone conversation. And, if he continues to stall, you are seeing that he has gone as far as possible. But, you still get to move on and leave Mr Upper Limits behind! The closure will need to be on your own but it will be closure which seems most important. You realize that he has gone as far as he can. You realize that you want and deserve more You identify what you have learned and the ways in which you have grown from your relationship. You write a letter stating everything you need to say to him to feel complete and you rip it up, shred it, etc. Then, take a walk or a bath and commit to yourself that you are moving on, going forward, not back, and you start to take those steps. It may not be easy but it will be satisfying on a different level. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Kanya
Hi Jodie, I love the idea of a new start in 2021. The new year is always a good time to reimagine your life and think of the actions that will take you to those goals and dreams. Since your ultimate goal is to “be happy and meet new people who vibe the same effort” I suggest you start to feel this intention. I would create a Vision Board for this relationship and this future. I’ve posted this before but here is a link explaining how to create a Vision Board:
Take a look at this video and see if you can set aside some time to create this for yourself!
Kanya
Hi Luisa, What I mean by making a bigger change is to let this person go completely. Let go of any hope that things will change, that he will change, and to put him firmly in the “just friends” category. That enables you to open up to a relationship that gives you what you need and deserve. I agree that Covid has made it very difficult to meet someone new in out day to day lives but I do hope that this will change over the next few months. In the mean time, working through this and getting chrystal clear on what you want and deserve may be a good idea. Have you ever read “Calling in the One?” It is a great book to work through. You’ll gain insight about past relationships and also clean up any old patterns that may no longer be getting you what you want and deserve. Check it out and see what you think!
In terms of your last question, you get to determine if and when you sleep with someone. Even if you shared in the past that you wanted him, that is not a life long commitment to sleep with him. Simply let him know that while you are attracted to him, you aren’t comfortable sleeping with him unless you are in a relationship. You may have been open to it in the past, but you realized that this isn’t something you are comfortable with now. You are someone who bonds with people you sleep with so it is just too painful and too confusing to open that door unless you are in a relationship. Does that make sense and can you see yourself having that conversation?
Kanya
Hi Rose, I’m glad that you are staying connected to the forum right now! You must be so confused and feel a bit beat up emotionally at this point. I am so sorry for that as you have been through so much. Can you help me understand why you thought he was back together with the other woman? Was it something he said was happening, something someone else told you about, or a feeling you had? Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, I am glad to hear that the new profile has been attracting new men. I hope you’re feeling good about rewording and figuring out a new formula. Well done. I look forward to hearing how things developed. For now it seems as though your main focus in your health. I hope that you find something that will give you relief. I dealt with sinus congestion a lot at different times of the year and it is not fun. Looking forward to hearing if anything developed with your Christian mountain biker! Feel better.
Kanya
Hi Vin, I love the way you describe your son thinking about him younger cousin. Isn’t it great when our kids grow up and we can see them truly caring for someone else. As a mom it makes our hearts sing! Three months is a long time to be away from your kids. I can understand the freedom and lack of stress you are feeling. My guess is you will have a lot of different emotions while they are gone and I am sure you will navigate them well.
It is interesting because as I read about your experience as a new mom, I wondered if it was in your nature to be so self sufficient that others are not always sure how to help you. Then, you shared that it is difficult for you to ask for help. Based on what you’ve shared of your childhood, it seems that you became very self sufficient at a young age. In many ways it was a coping skills that seems to have served you well. Would you agree? Now is a good time to begin to let others help you, first in small ways, then in bigger ways. In doing so you will learn to let the help in. Yes, it is very comfortable to be the one giving and helping. And, letting people help you is also important. If you think of JB, and your friends, what type of help could you ask for? Even if you can do it all by yourself, you don’t have to. What do you think?
Kanya
Hi Luisa, I can see how much you are thinking about this. I’m sorry that this is not going smoothly. I don’t think he is interested in dating at this time but I think you know that. You are hoping for more. To me, the best thing you can do is take a step back-way back. Give him time and space to miss you and initiate again. When he does initiate, don’t pounce. Respond as though you are super busy and he is but one of many things in your life. And, start to focus on those other things. Reengage with friends, be open to meeting someone who will pursue and will do so in a more interesting ways.
Sending memes to you as his main form of communication isn’t very interesting. Even at 45 he has desire and will pursue a woman if he is interested. I know that you took a 3 month break in the past and that was helpful for you. I also remember you saying that you don’t want to be cold or distant as that isn’t who you really are. Let’s see if we can look at distance in a different way. Have you ever been away from someone you care about? Remember what it felt like to miss them and want to be with them again? Well, those are the feelings we are hoping to create in him. After you did that in the past, did his behavior change, did he show more interest?
Right now, the pattern is in place and you two have been doing this for a very long time. I think this is working really well for him so he isn’t going to do anything differently. Since you met him, have you dated anyone else? If not, maybe now is the time to connect with someone new? This man has had a lot of time to make his move and he hasn’t done so. If you are honest with yourself, don’t you want more? Don’t you want a man who takes initiative and works to win you over? So yes, I am suggesting another break but also suggesting that you stop putting energy into this as though it is a relationship because it is not. I know that may be hard to hear but it is important to own the reality here. He doesn’t flirt with you or pursue you. You guys are firmly in the friend zone. Yes, you could spend the next 6 months trying to win his attention again or you could spend the next 6 months connecting with men who are actually looking for a relationship and recognize how awesome you are! Have you considered making a bigger change?
Kanya
Hi Amal, I am so sorry. You are right in that any choice you make will be painful. You’ve fallen in love with someone who only wants to be friends with you and that is a difficult place to be. Since he is moving away on 6 months, can you take this time to start to pull away from him. I know it will be difficult but it you feel this is torturous, him leaving and you going cold turkey will be worse. Either way, you will need to learn to tolerate the discomfort of not connecting every day, or not seeing him. That will be painful and uncomfortable but avoiding it is worse because in doing so you are telling yourself you can’t do it. The reality is, you can.
Start to fill in your time with activities and connections with other people. It is important that you have more people that you are close to in your life so that it isn’t as lonely when you do end things. I would also suggest you think of a project or a goal that you have wanted to tackle. Something that would take up some time so that you have something exciting happening at the same time you are letting go. Is there something you have always wanted to tackle such as training for a marathon, painting your apartment, learning a new language?
Kanya
Hi Jodie, It sounds as though you are learning to set boundaries and take care of yourself. That is great. I’m curious, why haven’t you told him that you can’t be his friend anymore? It sounds as though he knows something is changing for you. Have you considered talking to him about this and about your decision? I know that it will be difficult to do so but I do think that you would also feel empowered and excited at the same time. Just curious if you have had similar conversations in the past with other friends who were giving you mixed signals?
I love your intention for 2021! That is really powerful and I think it would be helpful to make it even more clear. What is the ultimate outcome? If it is good mental health, are you looking for balance, happiness, clarity? What steps can you take to create your goal? Are their daily or weekly practices that would help you?
Kanya
Hi Donna, It is a complicated situation. I hear that you still want to see the best in him and see him as a calm guy who treats you well. That is understandable. Yes, that is absolutely part of who he is. And part of him cheated on you and is not working to figure that out. You shared that when all of this started you thought it would be a spring fling. At this point, are you in love with him and is he in love with you? Do you see yourselves building a future together. The reason I ask is because healing the current situation will take time and energy and may not be how you want to focus your energy.
One thing I would suggest is that you take a break from this. Give yourself a month or so away from he situation to really get clear and to process your feelings. Given that he doesn’t want to talk about things and that you may be afraid to cause him discomfort, a break will give you time to get in touch with and process your anger, frustration, confusion, and hurt fully. It is hard to do so when you are still connected to the person that hurt you. I can see the two of you falling back into a relationship without actually resolving this. That would be dangerous to your heart. Have you considered taking an extended break?
Kanya
Hi Rose, This is a great article, I really found it valuable. I like that they simplify listening as some exercises and programs can make things super complicated. Thanks so much for sharing!
Kanya
Hi Nakysha, No need to send him a text letting him know that you are no longer going to initiate. Just stop initiating. If and when he initiates, wait a day or two, as Heidi suggested, before responding. When you do respond act as though you didn’t notice that you hadn’t heard from them in awhile. Create more distractions, new traditions, communicate with friends and families. Reconnect to the life before him because the reality is you haven’t known him long enough for him to be so vital to your happiness. Yes, you had a good connection, good chemistry, and great sex. But, those three things don’t make a relationship – no matter how good they were. Think of him as a fun distraction and you are on to more interesting possibilities. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Oh Rose, I am so sorry that that this happened. I can understand that it is unimaginable to think of opening up and trying again. That is a really normal and understandable response. It sounds as though he has not been honest with you or himself for some time. The thing is-your gut was telling you that something was off. Don’t underestimate this part of yourself. It can be very useful is moving forward when you are ready.
I am sorry that it feels as though you lost the love of your life but it is also important to remember that he did not treat you in the way that you deserved to be treated. While not all relationships are meant to be “the one” all relationship have the potential to teach us something new about ourselves. Looking back, what have you learned about amazing you? What are you doing to care for yourself and your broken heart? What movies comfort you, what friends know just what to say when you are feeling down, what books help you feel stronger and empowered? Don’t give up. Keep going so you can move past this pain and heal.
Kanya
