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Ho Jocelin, I am so glad that you are on the forum, welcome! I am also glad that the two of you did to escalate into an even more physical confrontation. That is not something that I would want for anyone. I agree that you are “complicated” at times. From what you shared there were several opportunities for you to tell him what was nothing you and instead you shut down and were somewhat passive aggressive. The reality is, when the two of you are broken up you are each free to talk to who ever you want. It seems that you felt him staying away form other women when you were broken up was important. Yet, the two of you go back and forth so much I would imagine that you both are unsure about what the future holds.
You mention that he talks to other women when you are broken up but does he talk to other women when you are together? When you are actually in a relationship is he thoughtful and does he pay attention to you and your needs? What are your expectations when you are apart? Have the two of you talked about what the expectations are?
Have the two of you considered going to see a couples counselor? I think that this might be a highly effective way to get some support and learn new communications skills. One thing you seem to do is shut down when you are upset. That would be a great thing to shift as it seems to lead to even greater level of conflict. From my perspective all couples can benefit form getting that level of support. The really is the two of you have been together for a few years and it might be tome to get some help with improving the basics of this relationship. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Danelle, I am really sorry that this is occurring It sounds like the two o you have been under a lot of stress in the past few years. My guess is that this stress is a big part of what has led to the space between the two of you. During all of this have you both even had time to nurture your relationship? Most couple struggle to do this with kids and jobs but when you add the emotional and financial stress of multiple court appearances hen things can get really dicciult.
Have you taken time just for the two of you to reconnect? Can you go away for the weekend and just reconnect? If that isn’t realistic can you just carve out a few hours and do something fun like you used to? Just having some time to relax and do something you used to enjoy doing could be a way to remember the feelings that you still have for each other.
One are that will be super important for you to look at is “the way you handle things.” TO me that is going to give you the most information about what he needs to reconnect. What is it about the way you handle things that is the most difficult for him? Can you name the actual behavior? If so, that is where you can start. For instance, if you get grumpy and yell this is feedback for you to find another way to channel your emotions. If you dshut down or become distant than letting him in to comfort you is what he needs to feel more connected to you. Make sense?
Think for a bit and share what he is most bothered by in terms of how you handle this stress. I’m looking forward to hearing back from you.
Kanya
Hi Morgan, I am glad that you see that some of what you have done was not wise. The thing is, I still see you being really involved with him while he is still clearly confused and changing him mind daily. Why is he upset with you for telling his parents. The truth is, he did cheat o you. He has been unclear, he has gotten two girls involved in a really dramatic way.
The pattens that I see is, he gets confused and pulls away. He gets another girl involved. You reach out to him. He feels bad. He says he wants to be with you but doesn’t ever really commit. Then within a few days he doesn’t know what he wants. He is young and doesn’t really understand love, relationships, and connections. I am sorry for that but being with this person does trigger your anxiety which triggers your need to be in control.
Can you see that this is not a good situation for you to be in? It is highly disruptive to your life and the lives of those around you? Have you considered waking with a counselor or therapist to get some help in this situation? Working with a professional is different than talking to family and friends. They have a different perspective and a different understanding of relationships. Is that something you are willing to consider?
Kanya
Hi Angelica, Thanks for responding and sharing more. I go back to your first question “how can I use all these information here if he is not near me and I have no idea when he will come back to Canada??”
The thing is, he is literally on the other side of the world right now. And, he has shared that he doesn’t have feelings. Rather than trying to get him back in a relationship, what if you focused on instead on slowly building a friendship with him? Given that he is stating that he doesn’t feel romantic towards you, I would focus on just creating contact every once in awhile as friends. That would mean that you aren’t actually pushing for more or pushing for a relationship. Given that he isn’t even sure if/when he is returning it doesn’t seem wise for you to invest in a relationship that isn’t currently happening.
Staying connected once a month or so via text seems like a good way to start. However, if you find that doing so is preventing you from moving in your life then I would recommend taking a break. Since he is gone and not investing in a relationship it is vital for you to move on as well. If you are friends and he eventually decides to move back and commits to staying in the country then that would be the time to try to rekindle the relationship. My guess is this is not the recommendation you are looking for but it is important that I be honest with you. Investing in something that he is not investing in, with someone who is thousands of miles away, isn’t something that I would recommend to you or anyone. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, I remember spending some time of those dating sights several years ago. It is a whole new platform for triggering core wounds and hurts. The access to men is astounding in terms of numbers but that also means that we often get more negative interactions that we normally would during the course of our lives.
Sometimes we will get disappointed or sad when someone ghosts us or responds in a way that is inconsiderate. It is so weird that people think they can be disrespectful on this platform but unfortunately, that is the way it is. It does sound like even when you feel a bit sad you are making the conscious decision to move through those normal emotions and shift your focus to something more positive. Well done!
Kanya
Hi Angelia, I can understand your frustrations. It sounds as though there might have felt like there were some competing agendas in this. That can’t be so confusing on so many levels.
I’m trying to figure this out a bit more. So right at the beginning he told you that he would be leaving the country indefinitely, correct. And then the relationship continued to grow even though the future was blurry. When he asked you “what do you think” what was he actually asking. I guess I am trying to understand what he was looking for that he didn’t get. That may not be clear to you since it appears that he wasn’t overly open with you but I am curious. What do you think he wanted and needed?
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, It has been a hectic month. You are doing so well moving through all of this. I can’t believe that your father actually apologized for something. That is a miracle in and of itself lol. I really acknowledge you for your integrity and strength of conviction in all of that. Well done!
One thing I am noticing is that you are noticing all the attention that is coming your way and enjoying it. A few months ago you would have noted it but focused on the fact that all of that attention hasn’t amounted to anything so it would be noted but not necessarily values. What do you think has changed for you?
Hope you have a great week in Texas!
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, I don’t think you need to be extreme but I do think it would be wise to take a step back and let him initiate most of the time. And when he does, don’t over do in your response. Actually treat him like a friend that you talk to once in awhile. That will also require making changes on the inside for you in addition to making changes in your behavior. It will require grieving and letting go on an emotional level. As Heidi shared – letting go of a preconceived notion about where this will go and what is the best option for you both.
Sometimes, when we really care for someone, we will take the energy we spent in the relationship and transfer it to a friendship. The reason we do that is because it is more comfortable than actually grieving the relationship. I see that as a potential here and suggest that you find a different avenue for that energy. What is something that you can do or create that would require some creative energy?
Kanya
Hi Morgan, I am so sorry that he is making these choices and so sorry that his choices are hurting you. You are so amazing and far stronger than you realize. I think that taking some time for you is a wise idea. He has been so over the map for so long – you must be exhausted from trying to figure him out. I know that it will take some time and there will be ups and downs but in a way life is full of ups and downs. One things that I have learned over time is the importance of being ablate ride the ups and downs with some degree of equanimity.
This situation will clarify with time but it can’t be your sole focus and I know you know that. Yes, it is fine to dream but you also need to feel the pain as Heidi was sharing. While it is uncomfortable, feeling it and moving through it is the way that healing occurs. It’s like working out. Each time you work out your muscles actually get little tears in them. As the tears heal, the muscles become stronger and bigger. Right now your heart has a lot of tiny tears in to. Over time they will heal and your heart will be stronger.
I know this is new but what can you do to support yourself during this time?
Kanya
Hi Melissa, I can understand you having hope that he will mature and become more responsible. I think that will happen in steps and it will happen more quickly when he has no choice but to step up financially. You are wise to take money completely out of the equation. It may be difficult at times but it is important for both of you.
I appreciate your sharing your fear that he may not stay with you if you stop taking care of him. That is actually what I was referring to. I think it is an normal fear eve if it doesn’t appear to be his motivation. You are demonstrating a lot of courage in taking money out of the equation and I acknowledge you!
Just wondering how you are feeling about all of this. Heidi and I have been pretty real with some oof what we have shared. I just want to make sure that you are still feeling accepted and supported. I look forward to hearing bak from you!
Kanya
Hi Melissa, I am so glad that the exercise was helpful! It is so important to let go of yourself judgments as they really ca run our lives, relationships, and behaviors in a negative way! I’m glad that you found a way to give that time and experience to yourself!
I love that you and Heidi started to talk about the nothing aspect here. I think that is important for you to explore and consider. One of the reasons he is not making these things a priority is because you and his parents are providing a safety net for him so he doesn’t feel any pressure to develop the skills to take care of himself. He is about to loss his health coverage but he isn’t willing to increase his work hours to get them covered etc. His anxiety stops him from being able to take care of himself in basic ways but is he doing anything to treat his anxiety? These are important life skills that he didn’t learn at appropriate ages. Hopefully he will one day.
I’m glad that you have taken money out of the equation! I’m sure he will still come to you for help at times so you might want to practice saying no and explaining in a kind a respectful manner why you aren’t going to do that anymore. I have another idea to propose to you about this. In dating a younger man who is not yet responsible nor mature, there is a level of dependency that he has on you. Is it possible that unconsciously you feel more secure that he won’t leave you if he needs you in these ways? I know that you have shared that you are concerned that he may leave, may travel, may move etc. Is him being dependent on you a way to feel more secure that he won’t leave? I know that is a tough thing to consider and I could be off but I think it is worth considering.
In terms of reminding him about the appointment, I don’t think this is a black and white situation. If it feels right for you to do that then do it. If it is something that you would like him to start managing, maybe when he makes these appointments encourage him to put it in his calendar in his phone with a reminder. That way you are helping to empower him to take more responsibility. Make sense?
Kanya
One things that comes to mind as an example is the initial argument that occurred right before he left. He got upset with you about asking about the phone code right? What if you had stay calm and avoided arguing with him? My sense is after he calmed down you could have had a more rational conversation. Instead, you both argued and then you basically told him to leave and then got angry that he left. I get that you actually wanted reassurance but you asked for it in a way that made things worse. Does that makes sense?
Basically he doesn’t think things will change. So, show him you are changing by treating him differently. When he comes to see your daughter, be kind and supportive. Have some positive family time when you both aren’t angry and frustrated with each other. Just enjoy your time together and you will both start to see what is possible. As Heidi shared, taking the pressure off of both of you right now would be helpful. Please let me know if this makes sense and if you would like more guidance on how to do this! WE’re happy to support in any way we can.
Kanya
Hi Morgan, you don’t need to apologize for sharing your thoughts as they are always welcome! This is a really difficult situation and you are just trying to figure things out. I am starting to see that you think about this situation a lot, perhaps most of the time. I am glad that you are working with a counselor as they can help you with the anxiety you are feeling with this situation as well as other situations that might be present.
So I am going to say something that you might now what to hear-you are too attached to the outcome of this. I believe that the anxiety you are feeling about this may be overwhelming you. As a result, you are doing what a lot of people in this situation would do -you are wanting to control the situation and get more reassurance that things will work out positively. I can totally understand that but I don’t think it is an effective way to support yourself and I don’t think it is an effective way to feel better.
I think it is time to accept that not all of this is in your power. He is in charge of him and you are uncharge of you. IF he is not ready and has things he needs to figure out, you can only do so much to affect the outcome. WE all have free choice in this life and we an’t control the outcome. In your writing I her over and over that you are trying to figure out how to get things back on track. What if things don’t get back on track? What if he decides to move way from the relationship for the foreseeable future? I know that you understand intellectually that you will be okay without him, but what is getting triggered emotionally about being without him? What do you imagine you would feel if he did come back and recommit? Let’s help you get the feeling now without needing him to change his behavior to hep you feel better.
Do you imagine you would feel calm? Secure? Loved? Relaxed? What feeling are you hoping to attain by getting him back?
Kanya
Hi Lana, I am so sorry that this is occurring. I would imagine you are having a lot of different feelings all at once regarding this. I am glad that you are getting support and have family to help you with the baby. I hope that is a comfort toy.
I think that it is a great time to start the Relationship Rewrite. I would start at the beginning of the plan as James has been very conscious of writing this plan in a step by step manner. It is important that you recognize that there is a lot going on here and that it will take some time. He is obviously fearful and overwhelmed. It is important to realize that even though you are committed to make=ing these changes, he also had to be committed and that might take some time for him.
In many ways it sounds like he isn’t ready for this family but that a comes from a place of fear that he won’t be able to provide and care for everyone. That is a huge step and a huge responsibility. My sense is he is feeling a lot of pressure at this point on many levels. For now, can you focus on shifting to more positive communications with him while slowly applying the principles in the Relationship Rewrite? I know you probably want to move this along more quickly but my sense is it will take time for both or you to change behaviors that aren’t working. Then, the next step is to rebuild and the will take some time as well. Do you think you can go slow for now?
Kanya
