Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Eline, I notice that you posted this question in two separate pages on the forum. I responded to the other posting this morning. I think it would work better if we stick to one thread so we don’t confuse things. Can you take a look at my response and comment on the other page. We can then let this one go. Thanks!
Kanya
Hi Eline, I can totally understand why you are feeling confused. This guy is giving you a lot of mixed signals. On the one hand he tells you he’s met the one, on the other he is somewhat aloof and isn’t into long term relationships.
Do you have a sense of his relationship history? Has he ever had a long term, committed relationship? You don’t mention how old you are or how long you have been dating but I’m wondering if part of this is maturity combined with not a lot of relationship experience. Is that a possibility? Has he mentioned anything about continuing to date when his contract ends?
Just out of curiosity, do you notice that he becomes more emotionally distant after you have been physically intimate or spent time together?
Kanya
Hi TIna, YEs, it may chase him away. Given his behavior he seems to be struggling with maintaining connection. But ultimately that is important for you to see because if he gets scared off from a conversation then he really doesn’t have what it takes to build a lasting relationship. Then again, it might give him something to thing about and help him realize that he needs to step things up. We just can’t predict his reaction but this is really about you having a voice and advocating for your needs!
I like what you shared and would encourage you to start with Heidi’s suggestion of acknowledging his needs and pointing out that while it did work fr you then it doesn’t work for you now. It is important to share that you hear him and acknowledge his needs. So, please do not do this over text. It is important enough to talk about face to face. The next time you are together find a way to talk about this without being heavy or talking about the ‘need to talk.” I’m really proud of you for really taking this opportunity to grow outside of your comfort zone. That isn’t easy but you are doing a great job! How are you feeling about all of this?
Kanya
Hi Vino, you do not need to apologize for sharing about your life! That is why we are here. I love that you realized that this man’s magic bubble was simply totally acceptance, unconditional positive regard. That is the reason so many people lit up when he connected with them! That is a quality that we are all capable of and all deserve to feel.
I love that you are exploring ways to grow through all of this. Looking at oversharing is a great one to explore. I remember I went through a similar phase. After a bad break up I shut myself off from relationships for awhile. When I reopened, I did my share of over sharing lol. I remember it just felt sooooo good to connect with someone I felt safe with. I had a lot of pent up feelings and experiences that I had been longing to share and sometimes I over did it.
But in realizing this, I had the opportunity to share more of my thoughts and feelings with myself as well as the friends in my life. I didn’t need to be so self sufficient, I could let people in and they could let me in. As you connect more deeply with your friends, you will most likely over share less with someone you have just met. And remember, people who use text as a way to get to know each other often do over share. There aren’t the same signals we have in a face to face conversation that would tell us we are oversharing. As a result, we can start to feel as though the person on the other end of the call is our best friend. What is happening is that you are opening up and have a sense of acceptance and that feels really good. It is also important to have the face to face time as that helps us balance our desire to share everything to this new person who seems to get us. Make sense?
What have you learned in reviewing the texts?
Kanya
Hi Alyssa, I am so glad that you are here. Of course you are having a difficult timesaving on. He is your first love. So much goes into first relationships that it is difficult to let them go. And, it was only 3 weeks ago that he ended things. I expect it is going to take you several months to start to feel like you have your own, independent life back. It is also your first break up of a serious relationship. You’ve never been through this before. Just like falling in love for he first time can feel overwhelming, learning to let go of that relationship will also feel overwhelming and even impossible at times. However, it is not impossible. Everyone I know has a first love and first break up story. Even though it feels impossible, I promise that you will move forward and heal!
What types of things have you been trying to do to help you move forward? Even as I say that I realize that you might not even be at that stage. But, when you are ready it will be important to have supportive friends to talk to. Friends that are mature enough to help comfort your pain without making him the bad guy. Are your parents a resource at this point? They may have their own feelings about the break up but are they supportive of you?
It is really normal for relationships to change and even end when people start college. You are introduced to a new life. People find new interests and new passions that often take precedence over past passions. Given that he was home schooled and is not in a large University, his changes are huge! It’s going to take him a very long time to explore this new world.
I wonder, to what degree are you exploring your new world? What activities and interests are you passionate about? What have you learned about this new world that excites you? Where are you putting your passions? Is it possible that you have continued to put your passion into the relationship without truly embracing all the new opportunities in your life?
I had a boyfriend in high school and we continued to date in our freshman year. Looking back I focused a lot of energy on that relationship to the expense of myself and the opportunities around. At the time I was shy and insecure and being with him was one of the few places that I felt safe. The problems was, I didn’t take time to find a way to feels safe in my new world. I needed to embrace my new world and take advantage of everything that was available to me. I’m not saying that this is what you are doing. I just wanted to share my experience and see if any of it resonated for you.
Is is possible that things will work out in the future. I think that anything is possible but I also think that this is not where you need to put your energy for several years. There is too much growth and experience that needs to happen for both of you before you consider another serious relationship. Now is the time to focus on you and your life. I’m guessing that this is not what you wanted to hear and I’m sorry for that. WE will always be honest with you and give you the most supportive thoughts we have. I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Tina, I am so proud of you! I think talking to him will be beneficial in several ways. First, you will get to express yourself which is vital. You have things to say and a desire to say them. Also, it will give you both a chance to clarify what you want. TO be honest, I think that he has been open about what he wants – his freedom, the chance to plan his life without taking a relationship into consideration, the desire to come and go as he pleases, etc. Once you put it on the table, it is out there and something that you need to address.
Don’t be surprised if he takes steps to avoid the conversations but hold firm to what you need and go for it! One thing you might want to do is be sure to separate out what is his responsibility and what is yours. I think it is great that you ar willing to take responsibility for not fully expressing yourself and your feelings. AND, it is essential that you let him take responsibility for how he has participated in all of this. He does have the tendency to blame women for his insensitive, moody behavior. Honest, responsible women can sometimes take on more responsibility than is really theirs to take on. Just sharing this so that you can continue to delineate what is your stuff and what is his.
Do you have plans to see him again or have an idea of when you will connect to discuss this? We’ll be here after you talk to support you in any way we can.
Kanya
Hi Vino, what a great idea to walk off some of your nervous energy ahead of time! I think what you are feeling is totally normal. You see some possibilities here and that is exciting to think about. The down side of being this attached is that getting to know the ‘real’ hm might surprise you in a good way or it could disappoint you. So keep an open mind as you’ve forward.
I think that some of your thoughts about yourself from childhood are still present. Just like you once thought you didn’t deserve to have friends, I can see in your words that their is part of you that doesn’t believe you deserve a relationship. You wonder why he wants to communicate with you, why he would think you are an easy catch and in reading between he lines I see that you are not clear about all you have to offer in a relationship. This is your main focus at this time; learning to love yourself! Can you share more about why you don’t feel worthy? There are many reasons we might learn to feel this way in childhood and it is vital that we heal this as an adult. There is a great book that I think would be a huge benefit to you at this time. IT’s called “Homecoming; Reclaiming and Championing your Inner Child.” It takes you though each age stage and helps you see what we all needed to feel competent and whole. Most of us don’t have an idealic childhood and we all have something that we need to resolve. This book will provide you with the tools to do just that!
One suggestion, I wouldn’t ask him why he is communicating with you. Instead, I would talk and get to know him. with time the answer to that question will become clear. One small way you can change how you see yourself is to change your thinking about you! For example, saying you are a mess is going to make you feel worse about yourself. The next time you hear yourself being self deprecating in some way, change that thought. “I’m still a mess” can become “I am a work in progress.” When you think “Why would anyone like me?” you can update your thought to something like “I am a really likable person.” Does that make sense? Share some more of those thoughts so that we can help you update them!
Kanya
Hi Vino, I love the analogy you shared about the physical body and how it absolutely related to the emotional, mental, and even spiritual levels. That is totally amazing! We really are wholistic beings. Each of those levels affects every level. IT is also important to remember to work on every level when we are committed to healing something. Learning to be flexible and open emotionally can be helped by becoming more flexible emotionally and physically. When someone wants to change their physical body they must address their thoughts and feelings about their body otherwise change will not occur. Isn’t that cool!
So, you have something on the calendar. Remember, this is all chemical soup not really a reflection of what is actually here. So, I am wondering what you can do to stay grounded in this process?
Kanya
Hi Melissa, I love that you are starting to become more aware of all of this! Becoming self aware is not easy but it is so worth it!
I like where you are going with your thoughts and ideas. It is interesting that you say your ex was ideal. What was that like for you? What wasn’t working for you in that situation?
Kanya
Hi Marzena, It sounds like your children are responding in a way that most kids do when their parent is in a relationship with someone who is not their parent. That dynamic can be very complicated indeed!
What do you think about what Heidi shared? At this stage he can tell that no matter what he does or how he treats you the you will be there for him. You initiate and accept his behavior even when it is hurtful. He now knows that he can come and go without worrying that he will fall out of favor with you. He sees you when he wants to. He has sex with you when he wants to. He responds to your communication when he wants to. Everything is on his terms. What if you slowly started to pull back? Stop initiating. When he initiates, don’t always be available. Take a step back to let him have the space to take a step forward.
I know that this may seems like a scary move but I do think it is worth trying different things to see what works. WE know that men are far more interested in women who are less available. You know that if you keep doing what you have been doing that most likely you will keep getting the same results. Maybe it is time to try something different?
Kanya
Hi Karina, I am so sorry that things have come to this. I really admire you for wanting to heal things in your marriage so that the two of you can rebuild. You both have such a deep history and I can understand why you want to preserve that!
Have you looked at the articles posted on the Irresistible Insights page of this sight? There is an incredible range of subject matter. There are some that talk about getting spark back, healing from difficulty, talking about difficult subjects, and understanding your man on a deeper level. I think that you will find many resources there that can help guide you at this time! I suggest you read through some of them and share your ideas with us!
I’ve been a therapist for over 20 years and have counseling countless couples who have had an affair. There is always a ‘reason’ that makes one person move out of the marriage. They often are seeking to have a need met that isn’t being met in their marriage. Has he been able to identify and share with you the reason he went outside the marriage? WAs it because he was lonely, felt unheard, less than, etc? It will be important to understand the reasons as this will offer clues for the two of you in terms of where healing needs to occur. Does that make sense? What more can you share related to this?
In the mean time, be sure to practice a high level of self care right now! It is importune that you are eating, sleeping, and talking to your support system! Who is helping you process all of this at this time?
Kanya
Hi Brittany, It looks like you posted in 2 places. You posted on a different thread: “What if we mainly communicate through texts.” so I’ll just respond to both questions here so we can consolidate things.
It is difficult to know what he means when he says those things because we don’t have the full context of things. How long have the two of you been dating? Is it a solid relationship in that your family and friends know you are together and you are openly in a relationship? DO the two of you talk about the relationship. future, intentions? I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, So glad you are home and settling back in to your life. You have clearly found a way to stay busy and meet a lot of people. How are you connecting with the men you have recently gone on dates with? Is there a pattern in these men of alcoholism, too much drinking, or being a dry drunk? It sounds familiar to me.
I know it sounds weird, but what if you did some inner work in terms of releasing any need to be with a man that you need to take care of in a negative way? Can you actually imagine what it would be like to be with a man who is your true equal. That doesn’t mean that he would be perfect but someone who is as willing as you to be strong and confident and capable. How do you feel when you think of that?
Kanya
Hi Brittny, You shared that you have been married for 12 years. Has this always been an issue? If so, what have the two of you done over the years to manage the differences? Have you noticed a change with him in terms of the roughness meaning has it increased over the years? Is he capable of a loving connection at times? What type of relationship do you have outside of the bedroom? Does that aspect of your relationship flow and work well?
How important is sexual compatibility for you in a marriage?
Kanya
Hi Natalie, I’m glad to hear that you are ready to go slowly! I agree with Heidi that this is the way to go. Given your first date was cuddling while watching a movie and then being intimate, you could start to feel like you fell into a relationship. That can be tricky when something happens that makes you feel distant. So, slow down and give yourselves time to really get to know each other. Of course hang out and have fun. Enjoying the process is super important.
You may want to be unavailable to hang with him once in awhile. I know that seems counter intuitive given that you want to get to know him but it is important. Unlike women, men enjoy a bot more of a challenge. Keep your life fun and busy without him so that you are less attached to the outcome. That also communicates to him that you aren’t just sitting around waiting to hear from him! Keep us posted!
Kanya
