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Hi Marla, It sounds like you are thinking of igniting his hero instinct. That sounds like a really great idea! What is something you can ask him about or get his opinion on?
In terms of building a relationship and keeping something going, it does take effort and some strategic ideas. One thing I suggest is to really take the time to let the energy and attraction build. It often feels more comfortable to jump into behavior that we related to a relationship because moving slowly can feel awkward. The thing is, taking your time is important. Dating, talking on the phone, participating in activities before you sleep with someone is one way to build a foundation.
Woman and men need different things to bond and create emotional intimacy. Men are able to have sex without bonding. One thing that is important is building an emotional bond before becoming sexual. If a man feels this bond first he is far more likely to be motivated to build something. If couples move to that stage too quickly, men often loss interest. Men value things that they need to work at in order to value them and themselves as a possible partner. Can you t think of ways to be more strategic the next time you are dating someone you are interested in?
Kanya
Hi Melinda, I’m not convinced that this relationship is over. I agree that he does have a lot going on right now. I have no doubt that he is feeling overwhelm and pressure from the divorce. Even when someone is sure about a divorce, it takes a lot out of you emotionally!
I think that giving him space is a good idea but also be sure to ignite his hero instinct? At you familiar with that concept? Basically you want to ask for his help on something. It could be help moving something or just asking for his opinion about something he is knowledgable about. Being able to feel confident and resourceful at this time would be a good way to remind him of the connection he does feel with you.
I did want to touch base on something. You say that you like him a lot but aren’t actually in love with him. It does sound like you ar din love with his daughter. So, if the two of you do get back together how do you envision things working out? Is this someone you could fall in love with if the relationship continues?
Kanya
Hi Carol, I Love that you recognize that when you have a better connection with him you feel more confident and calm. All couples need to fid ways to nurture a secure attachment.
It sounds like several things might be increasing your trigger response to his ex contacting him. You aunt has some ideas about this that highlight your own insecurities and you had a dream that made you question things as well. When triggers occur, it is an opportunity to look more deeply into what is getting triggered and work with those insecurities. Have you talked to him about how you are feeling as his ex becomes more of a friend? It sounds like you need reassurance as well as possible some new boundaries. How do you feel about exploring all of this with him?
Kanya
Hi Kim, So glad to hear that things are going so well. The two of you have clearly worked through things and gotten to a place of greater trust.
Given that, I am wondering why you don’t simply talk to him about what you was? You don’t even need to confront, just share what you found and ask him what it was about. It could be a good opportunity to learn more about each other, figure out what this is about for him. Is it possible this is something different than you imagine? Maybe an old friend from high school or something. I can’t say but it is certainly worth talking about. What do you think?
Kanya
Hi Marla, I am so glad that you are here! So, this is an interesting situation. He seemed tone interested din the beginning and now he doesn’t seem motivated. I think he was honest with you when he said he didn’t know what he wanted. His behavior is saying exactly that. Here is the thing, when a guy wants to be with a woman he will do what ever it takes to spend time with her and to win her over. AS he isn’t doing that, it is time for you to take a step back. I wouldn’t text him or check in for awhile.
Since you’re going to see him this weekend, you have the opportunity to remind him of how awesome you are! Don’t pursue him at the party. Be friendly and open but make sure you circulate and let him be the one pursing you! That is really important. Right now you are pursing him and that isn’t motivating him. The movement needs to shift so that he is the pursuer. Now, given where he is in life he may not be in a place to build a relationship. If that is the case, don’t mistake him being friendly when you text with him actually wanting to be in a relationship. Those are two different things. And, don’t mistake him sleeping with you for anything other than sex until he actually puts some effort into this.
I would also suggest you not have sex with him until things change. I’m not suggesting it so as to play games. On the contrary, to woman sex is the opposite of a game. The more you sleep with him and are intimate with him the more you will develop feelings for him. You are already more invested than he is and if you feed that I believe the distance between where the two o you are will grow. It’s time to take a step back and see if he pursues. If he does, that is great. If not, it is better to know know before you invest any more time and energy in this!
Kanya
hi Vinodha, I wonder if your gut is telling you what to do? Given that you aren’t even sure he is real and if he is real he never stepped up, it seems like it makes sense to move on!
Can you share more about how you feel about dating someone you can actually spend time with and get to know? Can you share more about any trepidation or discomfort you have with moving on to something that has the potential to grow into something real?
Kanya
Hi Carol, I’m curious about something. Was him communicating with his ex bothering you before your Aunt said his behavior was ‘unacceptable?” I’m just wondering if her fears influenced you in a way that triggered old insecurities? It seems like you trusted him and that he was being transparent with you. So, what changed?
Kanya
Hi Nancy, Welcome to the forum! I’m sorry to hear about the break up-that is never easy. Let me make sure that I understand what you are saying. The two of you dated for 5 months in a long distance relationship and you saw each other twice. Is that accurate?
I am going to be very honest with you; I don’t think you actually had a relationship with this person. The 5 months you dated you saw each other 2 times. That is not nearly enough time to get to know anyone even if you are communicating in between meet ups. Some things you do know are that you don’t k=have a lot in common, the physical distance was wearing on you and both of you have a difficult time opening up and trusting. It seems tome that you are considering chasing something that wasn’t overly satisfying and perhaps didn’t really give you what you needed. Does that make sense?
This just occurred yesterday so it is still really fresh. I feel like you need to give it more time, let yourself feel what it is like without him in your life, and then determine if you would be satusfied with what he has to offer just as he is. What do you think?
Kanya
Hi Melissa, Those are great steps! I acknowledge you for stepping into the unknown. It isn’t easy and requires strength of heart. Are you comfortable talking to him about these changes and letting him know why you are handing some of this back to him to handle?
Kanya
Hi NM,
One thing I noted in what you shared above is “Basically I want the guy to tell me I’m the most important person he’s met and all the others don’t count. I realise I asked this way too early but I want reassurance that he appreciates me and what I bring to the relationship table.” AS Heidi shared, our ex’s do affect us and our experiences with them influence who we are. Having worked on things a bit, do you see how this is an unrealistic expectation? Of course you want to feel special but minimizing his past will not make you more special. Being respectful and confident will make you special and that needs to come from within.
How frequently do you initiate contact?
Kanya
Hi Melissa, that makes soooo much sense! What an amazing awareness. It makes total sense that you would want to be in control for fear that the relationship would change and you would loss him. I guess the question is, is this working for you? As you describe all that you do to keep things going I realize this must be exhausting for you at times! I agree with his brother that you seem to care more about him and his life than he does. I think he cares but he is so unwilling to step out of his comfort zone and make changes to manage his life more effectively that everyone around him does it for him. The reality is, until he is ready to do that for himself, nothing is going to change.
So, why are you so fearful of losing him? What would life be like if he you weren’t in the drivers seat? I agree, things might fall apart for him. And yes, you may not get to see him as often. But what if he actually learned to take care of himself? What if he actually learned to manage his life more effectively. While we can’t know what would happen, I am curious about why you are so fearful of losing him? I know that might seem like a silly question but what is your fear?
Kanya
Hi Melissa, Let me know if this sounds familiar. There is a going man who is having a difficult time growing up, maturing, and taking responsibility for himself. So he messes up a lot; forgets conversations, misses appointments, doesn’t plan out his spending so he is often in needs of funds to cover his bills, losses jobs, etc. Then, he beats himself up and feels terrible about his behavior. He feels so bad that the people around him, the ones who are responsible and mature, feel too bad to say anything. As a result, he isn’t held accountable and doesn’t have to mature and get it together. Does this sound familiar.
Maybe pat of the reason he feels miserable and self judgmental is because it stops others from holding him accountable. I’m not saying he is doing this on purpose but I do think this behavior is an ineffective emotional coping skill. In short, continue to hold him accountable. And…why are you responding to his texts at 3:30. That just encourages him to continue to not handle his life during the day. Does that make sense? It’s interesting that he wasn’t sure if he had missed his mom’s birthday. Does he not remember the date of his mom’s birthday?
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, Hope you have a nice Thanksgiving! In terms of wanting to take care of someone…You are an amazingly strong and successful woman. You are bright, independent and incredibly capable. Sometimes this leads to taking care of men in a overly way. I think after you met the man who drank too much I began to wonder if, on an unconscious level, there was a part of you that would feel more con=mfortable with a man you were taking care of. You note above that you do want to meet a gentleman who can care for you, someone who is your equal!
Do you know what a Visio Board is? In case you don’t know, here is a link that leads you through the process of creating a vision board. I think it would be a fun way for you to lay out the type of relationship you are in the process of manifesting even as we speak!
Enjoy!
Kanya
Hi Vin,
I love how you are using all of this to learn more about yourself and to grow! I don’t think you wanted or needed a pat o the head. I think you wanted to be down on a deeper level. That is really a normal response. the first step is to get to know yourself inside and out. As you develop more self awareness and insight it is easier to be patient as you get to know someone a little bit at a time. I know that most people want things to go more quickly so that we move out of the awkward phase more quickly and to a place where we have faith as to where things are going. Imagine you sit down for a 5 course meal and you eat that meal in 5 minutes. Not only would you be highly uncomfortable and overwhelmed, but you would not have had the opportunity to enjoy your experience or to actually taste the food and had a pleasant experience. Trying to get to know someone too quickly can feel like that as well. We all need time to savor getting to know someone and getting to know who we are in relation to someone new.
That is such an interesting survey – thank you for sharing it here! Yes, isn’t it amazing that men would rather feel alone and unloved than disrespected. This really shows you the importance of respecting your guy by learning to treat him in a way that makes him feel valued. You still are honest and authentic but we always have the option of interacting with anyone in a way that brings out the best in them!
It sounds like you are so balanced and clear. I acknowledge you for getting yourself back tot hat place. To me that is a demonstration of the ways that you are getting to know yourself inside and out! So, what is next for you?
Kanya
