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Hi N M, So glad you keep checking in. I know how difficult it can be to really move on. Most of us have many different emotions when going through a break-up. It does take time to sort it all out.
You mentioned that because he says he doesn’t need a relationship that is a reflection of him being secure. Actually, I agree with Heidi that it is actually a sign that he is really insecure. I think he’s good at putting up walls when things get too real because he doesn’t have the ability to manage all the emotions that come up for him. Don’t mistake this behavior for confidence. So sad that this is the way that he deals with real life and real relationships.
I love that you want to take it slow when you meet someone new as is difficult to tell if someone is who they say they are. It does take time and a variety of experiences to get to know the real person that exists inside!
You will get over this guy in time. One of the most effective ways to do this is to be real about what occurred as well as what type of person he is. While you know intellectually you deserve more than he can offer, the more you absorb this on an emotional level and in your heart the more quickly you will more forward. Remember, you are amazing and sooooo capable of moving on! What are you doing to nurture yo self these days?
Kanya
Hi Kathi, WOw, you are demonstrating so much insight-well done! I can really feel for you and for what you are going through. I do think you are on track. YEs, Kevin will need to develop new skills and will most likely work with a professional to work though what ever it is that is scaring him and making him shut down. I do think that the loss of hid father is playing a bog role in all of this. Grieving is such a complex process, it will take time for him to work through that loss and make a conscious decision about keeping his heart open going forward.
It is important to note the difference between people who make decisions based on what they ‘feel like doing” and people who make decisions based on their commitments and relationships. The fact that Kevin sat your kids down and told them he was going to propose then walked about from you and then so quickly is highly concerning. Remember, he isn’t just affecting your heart, he is affecting the hearts of your children as well. You all deserve to have someone in your life who you can count on — no matter what! You seem to have mastered the skill of working through difficult situations and showing up no matter what. You and your children absolutely deserve to have someone in your life who can do the same!
You are sounding super clear in all of this and strong. How are you doing and what are you doing to support and help yourself at this time?
Kanya
Hi Angelica, This must be incredibly frustrating for you. I can understand why this felt like such a big change. My sense is he met you to say goodbye. While he didn’t feel he had romantic feelings for you it seems ike he did want to honor the connection you had both felt at one time. It is possible to care for you even if he didn’t want to date anymore.
It should like, for him, he doesn’t want to maintain a friendship. I wonder if he feels like he ended things based on telling you how he was feeling? It is impossible to know as he isn’t being open with you or connecting with you but that is my sense. Given that you have reached out to him and he has not responded it seems like it is time to let this one go. I know it is difficult as you had such a great connection and you had hoped for more.
It’s been about 2 months since you saw him and I’m wondering how you are doing? How are you supporting yourself as you move forward?
Kanya
Hmmmmm. It sounds like Lloyd is feeling defensive. It spends like you intuition was right on with him! ai love that you asked for help and had the experience of someone showing up for you!
I think that a lot of people fear being selfish or a burden to people when they start to consider needing people. From my perspective, the feeling always comes as a result of being taught the you needs are too much when you were a child. Many people understand that as parents they are responsible for caring for the basic needs of children but for people who have a low emotional IQ they do feel overwhelmed or burdened by their children emotional needs. But, emotional needs are not a burden. They are a normal part of being a child and a normal part of being an adult. The more you create friendships with people who have a higher level of emotional intelligence, the more your emotions and vulnerability will be welcome. Does that make sense?
In addition to working with couples I also work with families and children. When I am working with a family I can tell really quickly how comfortable parents are with emotions by the level of insight kids show into their own emotions. A family that talks about emotions and teaches children to identify, accept, and process their feels are far different than a family that has an intergenerational inaptitude for emotions. Children who have learned about emotions are better behaved, they are their parents are connected in a more solid way, they have a higher level of confidence and can weather stress far better than the children who have been taught that their emotions are too much. Based on what you’ve shared about your parents they weren’t really comfortable with their emotions or their children’s emotions. Is that correct?
If you look at the people in your life currently, who are the people who seem the most comfortable with emotions? Those are the people to begin being more authentic or vulnerable. You can start small and take baby steps in letting them in. That is how trust is built-a little at a time. So, where will you start?
Kanya
Hi Dulce, I am so glad that you are here! You must be so confused by your husband’s behavior. I am so sorry that he is handling thing this way. I have to be honest with you, not accepting a compliment the way he had hoped seems like a poor excuse to pull away from you. Has he done this in the past when things did not go your way? If so, what types of things have set him off?
Is this new behavior or have you seen this part of him before? Just one ore question, how long did you date before he said he lied you and before you married?
Kanya
Hi Karina, I am glad that you are settling in with your family! I agree that it is going to take time to feel like things are back to normal. So, it sounds like he is feeling defensive. Do you think it is because he feels a sense of shame in some way? You’ve known him for a very long time. In the past, when he has acted defensively, what has been the root of that behavior? Has he been ashamed? Angry? Hurt? Can you identify other times he acted this way?
I think that it is going to take time. The two of you have been away from each other on a day to day basis for a long time. Even if he hasn’t been with anyone else things would be awkward. Are you having moments when you are talking and laughing and it feels like it did before? What are some things you like to do together than help you both be calm and centered?
Kanya
Hi Michelle, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. That must be really difficult and painful. The thing I really want you to know is that now is not the time to move into a new relationship. You need time to grieve. 12 years is a long time to be with someone and it will take time to unravel from that and to heal your heart.
It must feel amazing to have all of these giddy, sweet feelings after feeling sad. However, you can’t know f this is real at this point and you can’t use this as a way to distract yourself. If you jump into this relationship before you have grieved things it will always be somehow connected. If the relationship ends, all the grief you avoided feeling regarding your husband will come to the surface and overwhelm you. You may also react strongly when this new guy is not available or giving you what you need.
While it is very alluring to be with this man and to feel like it is true love, please take the next 6+ months to grieve. You also need to figure out who you are without your husband before you can even know if this relationship will fit you. For 27 years you have been living in the fantasy of who this person is and what the relationship could be like. You need to be able to make decisions about dating with a clear head and it is just not possible to have a clear head at this time.
Can you tell me more? How did you lost your husband? Do you have any children?
Kanya
Hi NM, Yes, he is clearly able to turn the feelings off when things are not comfortable or easy. My sense is this is why he starts and stops relationships. When something isn’t going the way he wants he backs off. He then blames the woman for the change in his feelings. While I k now this is really difficult, I am so glad that you saw this side to him now versus a year from now. While it is painful at this stage, being more attached to him and more connected would have greatly increased the pain you are feeling.
Now is a really good time to place more focus on you. Developing a deeper relationship with yourself will make you less reliant on the men you date to give you validation. You will be amazed at how things change as you do this. There is a great book that comes to mind that I think would be really helpful to you at this point in your journey. It’s called “Homecoming” by John Bradshaw. In it he takes you through each age stage, tells you what emotional needs we all need during these stages, and how it affects us when we don’t get those needs met by our care givers. He then goes on to help you reconnect with yourself at every age. The result is more confidence, more self love, and a sense that we are okay and emotionally safe even when someone isn’t there for us. I highly recommend it!
In the mean time, what are you doing to support yourself during this time?
Kanya
Hi Marla, For now I would take a step back and let him initiate! It is important that this be something he can actually pursue. If he pursues, his feelings will build. If you pursue, he may go along for awhile but his motivation will not grow.
On your post on the 8th you wrote that you will let me pursue you and not chase them anymore. I think that is good advice! I totally get that you want things to move forward. It sounds like you had a good time at the party and after the party. Of course you want to feel more of that. But, it is important to take a step back and let him initiate! I know that will be hard but you can do it! In the mean time, what kinds of positive things can you distract yourself with?
Kanya
Hi Melinda, You are being sooooo hard on yourself! Life is difficult but you don’t need to make i worse by putting yourself down and calling yourself names. You aren’t doing anything that you need to feel ashamed of. You are having emotions that are normal and understandable. You aren’t an idiot, just human!
You care about him, you are trying to figure this out and determine what is happening. Right now he is going to focus on his divorce. It is probably taking every bit of emotional resilience to do so. I agree with Heidi that you need to change your story. I don’t believe he is using you. I just think he has very little to give at this time. Perhaps it would be most supportive to talk to the friends and family members who can be more supportive of you. It isn’t about what they think of him at this time, it is just about helping you and supporting you.
The older we get, the more complicated life becomes. As a result, the more complex relationships become. Look at all the moving pieces here. You both have ex’s, you are both parents, you both have jobs you need to support your kids plus one on you is in the middle of a divorce. Could it get any more complicated than that? When someone is in crisis, which he may be given his circumstances, they don’t have the time, energy, resources to focus on building a relationship. That isn’t personal, that is just reality.
For now, take care go you! Take a step back and focus on finding your balance again. Right now you are looking to him to feel good about yourself but he just can’t do that. And, it really isn’t anyone else responsibility to make you feel good about yourself. That is your job. SO, what can you do to support that? Change your story? Connect with people who get how hard all of this is? Start being nicer to yourself? What else comes to mind?
Kanya
Hi Marla. I am so glad that you are keeping us up to date! IT sounds like some alone time was positive for him. It is great that he connected with you are the party. I know you weren’t really sure how that was going to go but it sounds positive. It is great that you are both starting to ope up more. Listening to someone talk about their ex can be very enlightening. Yes, you learn about their ex but more importantly you learn how they dealt with stress and how they deal with an ex. Did you learn anything that was unexpected?
Do you feel less stressed out about things? I ask because I do sense a shift in you as well. Do you sense anything is different with you?
Kanya
Hi Rachel, That is a great topic to explore. I really understand why you would want more. While he is not open to being seen in public, is it possible that you could do ma variety of activities when the two of you are together? You could make a new dinner together. Take turns watching your favorite movies. Watch TED talks together and talk about what you saw. Give each other foot massages. Talk about your experiences growing up. Be affectionate without it always leading to sex. Explore interests that you both enjoy.
Is he open to being seen in public as friends or do you think even this would create too much chatter in your town?
Kanya
Hi Nancy, I am glad to hear that this is helpful to you! I love that you feel your spirits lifting! I love that you are starting to think about what you want in relationships. Doing so is soooo helpful. Your thoughts then become a road map of sorts. As I was reading your post I started to see the opportunity to create a Vision Board based on what you want and are creating. Doing so is a great way to spark and support your dreams in creating what you want. Here is a link that will tell you more! Check it out and let me know what you think!
Kanya
Hi Melissa, I can understand that this is a lot to process. It really is okay to go at your own pace as you sort this out. You mentioned that on the one hand you feel like you should take a break for a week and on the other hand you want to experience closeness with him. I understand both desires! I encourage you to trust what your gut is saying is your priority. I do not that the two of you have been processing and talking a lot. I do wonder if it would be good to take a little break, rebalance and gain some insight. Of course you will see each other as you work together but what would a little break look like for you?
Kanya
Hi NM, I understand that it is difficult to understand what has happened. I think that we can all relate to feelings that change over time. It sounds like his feelings have changed. While I am sure there is more to it, it sounds as though, from his perspective, there was a level of disagreement or arguing that was beyond what worked for him. Of course, this was not all the time but enough of the time that it affected him. I am not suggesting that you were the cause of the arguing, just that there appears to be a difference n communication styles that was making closeness difficult.
I agree with Heidi in that I suggest you stop contacting him and see how he responds. He may take a few weeks and say hi and he may just stop communicating. It is important for you to see how he responds. Right now he is giving you signals that he is done. While that is really difficult to accept, it is important to do so. Otherwise you may continue to be disappointed and start to share your frustration which would be counter productive. Lots of self care is called for in this situation! What are you doing to nurture yourself and who is on your support team?
Kanya
