Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Penny, I am so glad that you are here. I think this is far more complicated than just sleeping with him. By that I mean that there are more things at play here. The two of you have a history and it is the holidays and it was the first time you had seen each other in months, etc.
If you want him back then I think you need to focus on slowly rebuilding and taking sex off the table for now. If you keep having sex with him it will give you the false sense that the two of you are back in a relationship and that just isn’t where the two of you are at this point.
Once you started the Ex Back Program what techniques did you apply, what was his response, etc? For now, take a step back and let’s strategize! Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Christina, I really hear how difficult this is for you. You have been together for a long time and it makes sense that not talking to him is incredibly difficult. What you are feeling is normal and my sense is these feelings come in waves for you. Over time those waves will get less frequent and more intense. While it is difficult, learning to tolerate painful feelings is an important life skill.
Heidi shared a great exercise above that I know would help you get your feelings out. It is the left hand/right hand weighting. Get some paper and let your non dominant hand start writing everything you are feeling. You may find the that as you write a younger part of you starts to express herself. Just let yourself write. You can answer and comfort that younger part when you write with your dominant hand. You will probably cry and feel a whole range of emotions. Just give yourself the space to do it. At some points it might feel so uncomfortable that you want to find a way to quickly end the pain by calling him or texting him. Instead, give the comfort to yourself and say the things that you want him to say. Getting that love and reassurance from yourself is key!
Given that it hasn’t been long since the two of you broke up it is too soon to tell how much of this is fear and regret versus how much of this is just part of the normal grieving process we all go through. If you really do the grieving work then you may be in a really different place a month from now. What if you do a 1 month no contact exercise and then reassess? There is no reason that the two of you can’t talk in the future but I think doing it in the future, after you have had time to grieve and gain clarity would be far better then trying to sort all of this out now. Who is on your support team? Are you spending time with family and friends over the holidays who support you and remind you of how amazing you are?
Kanya
Hi Boyd, The way you talk about withholding sex sounds like a bit of a manipulation. you can let him know that you want to feel closer and more connected before you are ready bit that is different and feels different. It would be good to help build some fun, flirty energy but if he is overwhelmed it will probably be difficult for him to do so at this time. When did the two of you get back together?
It sounds as though Heidi tuned in to something important that you affirmed – he feels pressure related to you trying so hard. That is important to hear and honor. Is it possible to take a step back in terms of trying to force this? Can you focus more on being supportive of him and asking him in the way that Heidi suggested? I also think that focusing on loving you and being good to yourself would be super helpful at this time. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Sharon, I am glad that you are here! As you describe things in just the past 5 weeks it is clear that sooo much has occurred. There is confusion, fears, anger, frustration, sadness, rejection, the list could go on. I think that several decisions were made throughout this process that have created a really difficult situation.
First, you used a new relationship to help you leave your last relationship. While leaving was important, doing it on your own would have been far better. Why? Because you would have been able to gain something that is truly priceless-independence. You would have been able to see and experience that you could leave the relationship and actually make it as a single women. And, you would have had the time and space to grieve the marriage which is essential. Even if you want to end a marriage, there is still grieving that must be done in order to be ready for your next relationship.
Many people don’t do that and while there are many downsides to that decision, you are facing one of the most difficult. The first real challenge you faced with this new man had brought you to your knees. Why? I think it is because you were using the positive feelings of that relationship to avoid feeling some really dark and difficult grieving. Now that the new relationship is in question, the pain and loss of two relationship is hitting you. It is a major double whammy of pain.
I highly recommend you slow down! Focus on taking care of yourself and processing your feelings. There is a lot to process. The relationship can wait and it sounds as though it needs to wait. He is overwhelmed with what is expected of him and the fact that things are not working out as he anticipated. Your desire to fix and change things is about how uncomfortable you feel in the “not knowing.” There has to be an acceptance that there are no guarantees in life or love. Sometimes things don’t work out. Sometimes people get scared and need reassurance. Sometimes things move too quickly and need to slow down. There seemed to be expectations of this man saving you but the reality is, that isn’t his responsibility.
The most important things that seems to be missing for you and your guy is the ability to communicate and deeply listen to each other – even when you don’t like what the other peers is communicating. When things cool down a bit perhaps the two of you can speak with a counselor who can help you develop more effective relationship skills. For now, your energy needs to go to caring for you and processing the loss of the marriage. You also would benefit from determining why you jumped into a new relationship before you were out of the old one.
I know this is a lot of information and it is probably not what you wanted to hear. I’m going to stop for now as I want to hear what you are thinking about what I shared?
Kanya
Hi Marla, I really acknowledge you for all the thought and effort you have put into this. You’ve done a great job of being open, of learning, and of trying new things. The thing is, he is not demonstrating the desire to date let alone grow a relationship. Yes, there re time that he is really busy but men will climb mountains to get to a woman they are interested in. He isn’t interested and the truth is we don’t even know if he is being honest with you about his life and his priorities. The fact that he isn’t initiating often and isn’t responding consistently when you initiate tells me that he just ins’t there.
I know that you mentioned that you are dating other people and that is great! If you are honest, are you really giving any of those guys a chance? The reason I ask is because you seem to be putting a lot of energy into hoping this works out. Sometimes that can make it difficult to give anyone else a chance. I know I’ve had this experience before and I’m wondering if you re familiar with it? The behavior can be so subtle that sometimes we can do this without even realizing it.
I’m wondering, what do you think about stepping back from this guy and no longer initiating contact with him? I mean, no contact. Give yourself time to let him go and let go of your hopes for a relationship with him. It may take some time but I do think that letting go will allow your heart to truly open up to the possibilities that may be all around you!
Kanya
Hi Christina, I am so glad that you are on the forum, welcome! This is a confusing situation. Cleary the two of you love each other but are struggling to stay connected while dealing with busy, demanding lives. Trust me, this is something most couples face during the course of a long term relationship.
I note that he shared on multiple occasions that he was hurting you by being unavailable. Is that because you had shared those feeling with him? Did you feel hurt but the distance? I’m also wondering why you didn’t respond to his text sharing his concerned about the relationship. I understand you are concerned about committing to anything at that point but I imagine he may have felt really alone when you didn’t respond. Can you imagine just talking honestly about the reality of the situation? While there may be a part of you that is hurt is there also a part of you that understands this is a busy time for both of you?
I’m wondering if really he just needed some reassurance that this wasn’t hurtful to you. Does that make sense? Overall, how open and authentic are you with each other about your thoughts and feelings?
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, Just want to clarify-are you feeling as though Heidi has created a ‘story’ around your ex being addicted to connection? Heidi may weigh in on this but from my perspective what she is sharing is based on the experience of this person and his actions and decisions versus imagining something. From my perspective this is who he is. I imagine it is difficult to accept that perhaps his intentions are not for long term love but getting his needs met then taking a break. There can be caring in his actions but there is also a lack of caring because he issei’s keeping something going ut not participating in turning it into scenting or being consistent.
Let’s take a step back. IF you look at him for who he is right now and how he has handled this situation, is this the person you imagine building a relationship with? Not the idealized version, but the real version of him.
Kanya
Hi Kathi, I am so glad that you have such a wonderful support system. It sounds as though they are really helping you get through this. I know that ‘keeping you company’ can seem like a small thing but in reality it is a really big thing, a loving act, when you are going through something like this.
It seems like you are clear about what you want and deserve. I’m so glad to hear it. You are doing a great job supporting yourself and moving forward even in the midst of wanting him back. Well done!
Kanya
Hi Kathi, That is a great question. I think it is easy to assume thing sat the point and the reality is, you have lots of assumptions options at this stage. Is the fact that he hasn’t asked for the ring back a sign that he wants to keep his foot in the door? Maybe but maybe not. I respect that you love him and it feels like things will come back around but I can’t say if that is what he is doing or not.
I imagine that part of you is wanting a definitive answer. I have wanted the same in similar situations in the past. For now I think you need to wait and see how he responds in the next few months. The bigger challenge is that since he doesn’t seem to know himself well and he doesn’t seem to know how to process his emotions, you can’t expect him to respond in a way that other people would respond. That is part of what makes this so confusing-he isn’t responding in a way that makes sense. If he does reconnect my guess is that he will continue to do confusing things.
At this point, he is clearly someone who runs from intense emotions or emotionally uncomfortable situations. In reality, you simply gave him the option of going home when he wasn’t feeling well. Is that a reason to end a relationship? Absolutely not! If he thought you were being insensitive then he needed to simply express himself and let you know what he needed. This is highly concerning that this was his reaction. Of course, it was about many different things but he is sticking with his dysfunctional response. I understand that you would want to return to that initial loving phase of the relationship. Just beware because even if he does want that at as well, when you hit a speed bump he will respond to the stress int he same way. Prior to this, how did the two of you handle disagreements or differences of opinions?
Kanya
Hi Amrita, I am so glad that you are here! Can you share more about this situation? It seems like everything was not nice for him if he wants to get back on dating apps. What was the reason he wanted to date other people at that time? Did he talk about feeling as though he didn’t have enough space? And, can you share more about what he means when he talks about you being upset that he does not prioritize your relationship?
Kanya
Hi Zuzana, This is a difficult situation. Unfortunately his children are in the middle with their parents and that seems to be taking a toll on them. I would not assume that his kids would eventually get on board. In my experience, children often feel so hurt and confused that they will hold on to resentments about their parents new partners unless they feel like their needs were respected. That doesn’t mean that they are in control, just that their voices were heard and understood. I agree with Heidi that this guy needs to figure out what he wants and then communicate with his children.
What do you think about what Heidi suggested regarding meeting for coffee to support him at this time?
Kanya
Hi Angelica, I am so glad to hear that your mind is now on you and on becoming a citizen. I love that you want some time before dating again. I think there is soooo much value in taking that time and getting balanced inside your relationship with yourself first!
So here is a question; how can you move on and continue to break the connection with this man even if you aren’t ready for a new relationship?
Kanya
Hi Melissa, I don’t think you are being lied out again. I think that like you, he just needed a few hours of space. I get the sense that everyday you may be looking for proof of what this relationship is about and what his commitment level if. I wonder if that is feeling like a lot of pressure for both of you? As I recall, we’ve suggested that you step back and give him some space to learn to take care of himself at a higher level. It will take a lot of time for him to develop those skills. That is just how people grow.
What are you doing to manage your anxiety about this relationship? How frequently throughout the day are you trying to “figure things out?”
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, Goo to hear from you and thanks for the update. What I think is that he is very happy spending time with you and probably even sleeping together occasionally but I do not things that he is interested in more than that. What you are both doing is easy and passive. He does’t have to make you a priority, doesn’t have to work through things, his time is totally his own, and when he wants to be around you it happens. There s no reason for him to move on and no reason for him to moe forward with you.
Yes he kissed you but once again I believe it was because that is what he wanted, not a sign of him wanting to be in a relationship, etc. I don’t know if he has been intimate with anyone else but be aware that he can be sleeping with someone as a one time thing and feel honest in saying that he isn’t seeing anyone. We just can’t know what he is doing or thinking at this time.
Since we last heard from you in November, how have you been supporting yourself in refocusing on your life and figuring out what you really want from a relationship?
Kanya
Hi Kathi, I am so glad to hear that you have such a solid support system. It sounds as though you have a lot of friends with counseling experience who have really come to your aid in this. I am glad that you have such a big support system! It seems like you are finding strength in these conversations which is so important.
I think you are working well with what you have at this point. Meaning, he isn’t responding to your messages or attempts at contact so for now it isn’t an option to communicate. Until he is open to communicating it is best to take a step back. Give him space to miss you and the life that you were starting to build. I agree that he is back in a relationship for several reasons but one of them seems to be related to lack of friendships. I find it interesting that he doesn’t have any friends and he was disconnected to his children for a long time. YEs, his ex may have made it difficult but given his tendency to shut down and disappear it is difficult to imagine that he didn’t have something to do with the break in communication with his children.
As for the ring, you need to decide if you want to hold on to it for now or figure out a way to get it back to him. Given that he hasn’t asked I would simply keep fit for now. It is his responsibility to ask for it if he wants it back not your responsibility to anticipate what he wants and m=needs. I know it is difficult because you are such a nurturing person and I imagine that you still want to care for him and support him. For now, focusing on your life, your family, and the blessed people you get to support at work seems to be the way to go. You have so many reason to feel proud of yourself and the way that you have handled this difficult situation. Many blessing you to you today!
Kanya
