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Hi Penny, You are such a rock star! Not only do I hear you saying you want to learn more about yourself and relationships in all of this but I actually see you doing that! This is certainly not easy. I know that this isn’t easy by any means and I know that you are wanting more. Have the two of you talked about where you are? I know you mentioned that you were going to talk to him when the time was right and I’m wondering if you have broached the subject with him.
In the mean time, is this arrangement working for you? I imagine spending time with his family may have reengaged you in the desire for more. Does he have an intention to move forward or is he in the ‘friend’ zone at this point? Are you taking care of your heart, being cautious and realistic?
Kanya
Hi Christina, I hear you. This is so difficult. How are your family and friends reacting? Who are the people in your support team right now helping you through this?
I went back and read some of your posts from last week. Remember you were starting to feel better at Christmas? You had a better day than expected. You shared that you were doing more meditating and reflecting and it seemed to be making a positive impact. Is that something you are still doing? If not, now is the time to start! I know it may sound strange but you really do have some power in directing your feelings. All of your emotions and feelings come from one place – our thoughts! Now I’m not suggesting that at this stage you should be feeling happy and care free but I do suggest that you look at your thoughts. There are some that are causing you great sorrow and feelings of hopelessness. You have a dichotomy going on in your thinking. Here is an example: “I know he’s already moved on and is happy while I’m here completely heartbroken over someone I though I was going to spend the rest of my life with.” On the one hand you are assuming that he isn’t in pain and that he is blissfully happy with someone new yet we know that things are far more complicated than that. My sense is he lied because they are more complicated and he doesn’t know how to deal. Just because the relationship ended doesn’t mean that he didn’t care for you and it doesn’t mean that the relationship was false. For many years he was a good guy and the relationship was positive. It just sounds like over time things changed and this wasn’t the right relationship for him at this time.
On the other side you are seeing yourself as broken over this. Of course you are going to be upset but feeling broken by this is a choice. Recently my family and friends went through a loss in our lives and it is interesting to see how differently people are facing it. The people who tend to see things negatively as focusing on the negative. The people who are optimists are seeing the opportunities in this difficult situation. Recently we were all together talking and one of our more pessimistic friends said something like “We’re all broken because of this.” I quickly pointed out that while he felt broken, I did not. We all need to recognize our resilience during difficult times. We need to own our strength and spend more time in the world of looking for opportunities in the pain versus feeling broken.
I’m not saying this to minimize what you are going through. No doubt this is a terrible, painful situation. I would encourage you to start to make healing and changing your thinking a priority in your day. The more you can own your power in healing and moving forward the better you will feel! Have you tried the free form writing exercise I suggested yesterday? I’d love to hear how it went!
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, I’m really sorry this is so difficult. When you ask “How do I stay strong?” tell me what strength would look like and feel like for you at this time? Is it moving on, feeling different feelings, etc. Really take a moment and think about this question. Next, I think that it would be easier for you to focus on the present versus the future. By that I mean the question might be “How do I get through today without connecting with him?” That would be an easier goal then trying to figure out how to get through the rest of your life without seeing him. It is important, when we re in times of sorrow or stress, to set small realistic goals for ourself. Right now you cannot know how to go through never seeing him again. And, we don’t even know if that will be necessary. While right now it is difficult to imagine being friends, a few months from now that might seem like a good idea.
DO you think that part of the reason you can’t be his friend is the story you have about what his future will look like? You imagine him moving on, finding someone else, and building the relationship you want to have with him. Of course you can’t be his friend if you imagine this scenario. But again, by staying present, you might be able to imagine developing a friendship after you have grieved. Also, are you allowing yourself to imagine yourself moving on, meeting a great guy, and being happy? If not you should definitely start to do so! Right now a lot of your sorrow seems to be coming from the pain you imagine yourself dealing with in the future. Does that make sense?
I think I may understand why the texting didn’t go well. It seems like he had shared that he wants to talk in person, not via text. Is that accurate? From his perspective texting was really painful and he thought that it wasn’t helpful. Is that correct? Then the texting continued. Did you consider stopping? I understand that you have a lot to say but I think that texting at this time is not a good idea. Instead why don’t you try free form writing? It is pretty simple in that it is uncomplicated but is also a really powerful exercise.
Basically, get out a pad of paper and start to write everything you would like to say. Don’t worry about punctuation or grammar. Feel free to use what ever words for for you as you will be the only person seeing this. Write for as long as it takes to get it all out! Then, once you are done, rip it all up an throw it away! Don’t reread it because the purpose is to get it up and out of you. This step is vital to actually releasing the emotions. Then, drink some water, wash your hands and go for a walk. When you return be purposeful about shifting your focus to something positive, something that brings you comfort and joy. Let yourself refocus for the rest of the day. Do the same process the next day and the next until you feel as though you have expressed everything you have to express. It will help immensely! Can you start today?
Kanya
Hi NM, You are really rocking this! I know it is difficult to face this and to move on. The reality is, even if he didn’t have real feelings you did. Please realize that this is not about you, your degree of lovability or what you deserve! You are amazing, lovable, worthy of so much more that this person can give you. Looking back to you see that his endless search for love was a red flag? In reality, he is running eveytime the relationship starts to build. He lacks the skills to be in a relationship yet he blames the women he dates rather than looking at his own imperfections. This is really a sign of someone who is highly insecure. He doesn’t know who he is and has never matured into a full, integrated person, capable of accepting his vulnerability and innate imperfection. He therefore can’t possibly love another person.
Attached is an article about how narcissists behave in romantic relationships. Pay particular attention to number 7, the ability to charm a new love interest.
What are you doing to mlove and nurture yourself these days? Who is on your support team to help you through this?
Kanya
Hi Christina, I am so so sorry. I wish he had the courage to tell you the truth about what was going o for him. It sounds like he has a lot of maturing to do. Unfortunately most of us are not taught the importance of having difficult, painful conversations with people we love. Instead we are taught to lie and to run from our pain and from the other persons pain. Hopefully, in time, he will develop this skill so that he doesn’t continue to hurt people in this way.
First, I really want you to know that you are not a fool for believing him. You had no reason not to believe him. The two of you had been together for a really long time and he had a track record of telling you the truth. As I said, there was no reason to think he was being dishonest. People are good at hiding the truth when they want to and it sounds like he did a good job hiding the fact that he was seeing someone else. What you are feeling is totally normal and understandable given the circumstances. For now the most important thing you can do is attend to what you are feeling.
I suggest you start to do a lot of free form writing. Take out a pad of paper and just start to write. Write what ever comes to mind. Don’t worry about punctuation, grammar, or language. Just let yourself get it out! Free form writing is something you can do everyday as yo process these complex emotions. When you are done writing, tear up the paper and throw it away. Resist the temptation to reread it as the purpose is to get these feelings out! Often, after expressing yourself through writing the tears will come. It is important to let them out and avoid being hard of yourself or judging yourself. Instead, treat that vulnerable child inside of you like the hurt child you are right now. Tell her that you love her and that she is doing a great job. Remind her that his lying is a reflection of his inabilities to be honest and not a reflection of what she or you deserve. When you are upset, pour self love and support into your heart to fill up the spaces that feel like cracks right now.
I’m guessing that this is the first serious relationship that has ended for you. That is absolutely the worst! I know it feels like the pain is NEVER going to end but I promise it will! And, in time you will learn and grow and become a better, stronger person as a result. I know that may not feel important now but it will be. You may have seen this Ted Talk posted in other threads but it is a powerful reminder of the ways to get over a broken heart. Please take a look, do your Free Form writing and check back with us often. We are here to support you!
Kanya
Hi Penny, It is so hard! I acknowledge you for your willingness to stick with it even though it is pushing you outside of your comfort zone.
I think it is great that he is reaching out and I would say that it is okay if you stay present but not super available. Buy that I mean let some time go by before you respond to his texts. Fill your days with fun activities so that you aren’t as focused on him contacting you. Remember, the more happy and fulfilled a woman is in her own life the more interesting she becomes! What are you doing these days for you?
Kanya
Hi Christina, WOW you are doing sooo great! It will take time to find your footing and start to integrate all of this! I love that you got to see that you will start to feel better a little at a time. Having a Christmas that was better than expected is a good sign that you are getting over the hump! I would imagine that meditating and reflecting is a bog part of the improvement! Can you share more about what thoughts are triggering your anxiety at this stage? Let’s see if we can help you move through the anxiety!
Kanya
Hi Sharon, I really hear your concerns. It is clear that this person is important to you and that you are hoping things work out eventually. That being said, is it possible that you can take a step back from it being this person, this relationship that comes to fruition? What if you start to make a list of all the things you loved about this person and this situation? Write it all down, the pick the top 5 things and this will become your road map for the relationship. When we can do that, we take the pressure and stress of things working n the way we envision and move instead to a vision that has great potential. Can you do that and then check back in and share your list?
Kanya
Hi Sabrina, You can send that message but I am wondering what is your intention? Are you giving him permission to come and go? PERmission to take a step back and ignore your messages when he wants. This is an interesting time as you see that he is being ambiguous in many ways. In the message you seem to be acknowledging what was going on for him but in some ways it is giving him permission to deal with things in an ineffective way. I think that you could update the message Heidi shared. In that way you are sharing about you more than sharing about his process. Then I would take a big step back. See if he has it in him to step forward and begin to initiate. As Heidi shared, he is a workaholic and that is not going to change. Unfortunately, he is also not available at other times which makes it impossible to build something. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi NM, I am glad that you are staying in touch. I know this can be a difficult time to deal with a break up. I agree with Heidi that it is time to step back. I think that he is being polite but his lack of initiation seems to be sending a clear message – he is not invested in this. You asked whether there was any value in “telling him hat went wrong, how he made you feel.” I do think there is value. I think that this is a way to vent and blame him and in the end not a mature or honest move. By that I mean, you need to just focus on yourself, helloing yourself, and learning to make yourself feel confident and secure.
No all relationships are meant to last forever. Often people come in to our lives for a shorter period of time. When that happens, the best you can do is make everything for your learning, upliftment, and growth. The way you will always be learning and growing. Rather than judging his imperfections. learn from them. You would thrive with someone who is naturally giving to you on your love language. Are you familiar with that concept? If not, check out this amazing book “The 5 Love Languiages by Gary Chapman. It is reallyy insightful and I think it will help when dating and deciding if the person you are interested be a natural fit for you.
Kanya
Hey Melinda, Sounds like you are doing really well! I really acknowledge you for being really good to yourself and growing in so many amazing ways!
I am glad that you shared some of the text that you and this new guy have been doing. I have to say I’m seeing some red flags. He seems to be somewhat argumentative and even confrontational. The fact that he is like that while you are still getting to know each other makes me wonder what he is going to be like when he becomes more comfortable with you.
Let me ask yo a question, when the two of you were texting, how did you feel about how he was responding to you? What did your gut tell you about the text conversation?
Kanya
Hi Brandy, I do get how difficult this is. Tell me why it was easy in the past to go for months without contacting him. What is different now? is it because now you are afraid of losing him and before you weren’t?
I have to call you on this idea that you can’t stop yourself from texting him. You manage to control yourself in other situations, you CAN do it in this situation. The reason it is so difficult is because the feelings are so painful. Learning to tolerate the intensity of those feelings is the way to gain control back. So, can you tell me about those feelings? Are you feeling afraid, angry, frustrated, rejected, invisible? Tell me more about it and then think about earlier times in your life when you felt those feelings and/or felt this level of intensity? I know it is hard but we can figure this out and help you take back conrtol of your behavior and choices!
Kanya
Hi Marla, I love how clear you are! I can tell that you are really embracing what you are learning her. Letting go of this guy was difficult but I do agree that it is the right choice! I love, love, love that you are willing to give these new guys a chance and that your confidence is back! You are an awesome women!!! The more you embrace that the more others will embrace it as well. Do keep us posted!!! Happy holidays!
Kanya
Hi Sharon, I am wondering you see that your response to potential losing this man is out of proportion to what is happening. Yes, it is terribly upsetting and unexpected. it was unexpected and the shock of that seems overwhelming. But, to feel shattered, broken, and traumatized is a bigger response. You are clearly an adult, you have children, and it sounds as though you were spending most of your time without the new guy. His ending things made you feel like your life was crumbling. That tells me that you were relying on the relationship to give you reasons to feel good, excited about life and secure.
In any relationship each partner is going to go through difficult times. It is unavoidable. When one partner goes through difficulty, the other needs to be able to take a step back, even put their needs aside for a period of time, and support their partner. It sounds like when he started to have doubts and was feeling overwhelm it was difficult to support him and be the voice of reason. You sounds fairly angry that he was in a normal place of questioning and being over whelmed. Have you felt that way before? How did your ex support you at that time?
If this is going to be a mature and lasting relationship there needs to be a hgher level of emotional maturity. Relationships are messy. They involve two people wholly nature are imperfect. Learning to weather these ups and downs is so important.
You said something above that is important to revisit;
“I do love him so much and think that our stresses, our circumstances, and the way in which I made him feel bad about himself amplified his feelings of failure and his anger/irritability issues.”Have you simply shared this with him and given him the space to consider it and then come back to you and share more insight? You might now always like what he has to share but often we need to express out emotional self to get the the more vulnerable feelings that lie below. Thoughts?
Kanya
