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I love the idea of making a vision board for your life and your relationship with you – brilliant idea!
What do you think about this resentment that he expressed? I find it interesting that all of this was building but he wasn’t willing to talk about it. As you probably know, things that bother us in a relationship need to be talked about a little at a time. Otherwise, each partner ends up feeling overwhelmed with emotions. I think you are on to something when you say that he is more connected to his logical side then his emotional side. Throughout the course of your relationship how did you handle disagreement? Have you both been able to talk through some significant challenges with each other?
Kanya
Hi Penny, asking for help to change a lock is a great idea! Did you ask him yet and if so how did he respond?
Question; when you were a little girl did you find that loneliness was a part of your experience a lot of the time? If so, what were the lessee you learned about being lonely and being able to engage others when feeling lonely?
Kanya
Hi JW, I can understand the stress and difficulty that comes with this situation and I am glad that you are here. I get that you need a place to vent and are hoping to meet someone in a similar situation that you could maybe interact with. Can you tell me what you are doing to take care of yourself in all of this? Also, are you okay with things the way they are? I’m wondering what your vision is for things, not in the future but in the present?
Kanya
Hi M, So proud of you for not trying to continue a text thread that he is not really engaging in. I know that can be difficult! In terms of initiating a meeting, I think we suggested that in response to a specific question about how to help him remember how awesome you are. It would be better for him to suggest something and this is where even more patience will be required. TO get his attention you will need to sort of disappear. By that I mean, do not initiate for several weeks. Give him time and space to really wonder “Hey, I wonder where she went and what she is up to?” It will take men longer to notice the absence just because they think very differently than we do. If you were going to do that, what could you do to keep your attention?
Congrats on attracting someone totally new! That tells me that you are healing the part of you that thought it was okay to be treated in a way that befits you.No more selfish or controlling guys! Have you taken some time to figure out what will replace selfish and controlling? Something like giving, generous, easy going, supportive? What would it look like for you?
Kanya
Hi CRo, Glad that you shared an update! It sounds like youth jumped ahead without yet being clear about the level of interest and commitment from him. I wonder if you would have felt more empowered if you left when you wanted to instead of sticking around. I can understand that it would now be confusing that he was putting effort into getting you to stay for those two days but isn’t putting as much effort in now. That probably feels like mixed messages.
Question, you did a good job asking him if he was ready but did you really take a step back and ask yourself what you needed to be ready? It sounds like what you may have needed was to know that neither of you were dating anyone else but you actually didn’t know that. I also wonder if you wanted to see him pursue you for a longer period of time before sleeping together. It sounds like maybe, under the shine of his attention, you let yourself get a little swept off your feet? Perhaps you let yourself get too far ahead of yourself and him?
Here is the thing, your insecurities are going to be in full gear at this point. You’ve taken several steps forward without giving yourself the time to actually get to know him, know what he wants and know what he is actually capable of giving you. Does it make sense that this might trigger more insecurities? You asked ” Is the fact that he invited me to stay with him for two days evidence that maybe he did go out to dinner with her and found that he didn’t want to pursue things with her?” Unfortunately, it is not evidence. The only way to know is to pay attention to his behavior and ask when you feel the time is right.
In the mean time, what are you doing to take care of yourself and address your insecurities? As Heidi shared, you are the only person who gets to determine your value! What can you do to raise that up???
Kanya
Hi Angelica, I love that. Focusing on you for now seems like a really great decision. It sounds like this is becoming more and more natural as well. Please keep us posted and let us know how we can continue to support you! Good luck with your exam! We’re sending you good vibes!
Kanya
Hi Penny, We appreciate you as well! You are doing a really great job with all of this. I acknowledge you for your willingness to learn and grow!
Let me tell you a secret. Even when you are i a relationship your guy, or even husband, won’t always be available. The stress and responsibilities of life often create space in a relationship. Space becomes more natural and we become better at finding ways to bribe that space. WE also become more comfortable with the space at times. Even in the best relationships we will sometimes feel a little lonely. Maybe your spouse will be out of town and you will miss him and feel lonely. Maybe you will be busy at work and not have time to really connect deeply and you could feel lonely. Maybe you will be going through something that others don’t understand or can’t relate to and you may feel lonely. It is a natural part of life at times.
As Heidi suggested, face your loneliness. Step into the wave of loneliness and ride the wave to shore. It is important that you realize you can ride that wave and come out the other side feeling whole and happy. What if you gave yourself just 15 minutes at a time to practice feeling uncomfortable emotions. You can literally set a timer, sit with the feelings, and then come out of them and move on with your day. This is a wonderful skill to develop. What do you think about that?
Kanya
Hi M, As Heidi shared, triggering his hero instinct is the first step in reconnecting. It gets the connection, then you can move to complimenting him. Then, share that you miss talking to him and see if he is open to meeting for coffee to catch up. There are a series of small steps you can take. AS Heidi shared, it is important to be subtle and patient. Things don’t turn around over night or after 1 text.
In reading your message, I can see that you are thinking a lot about things. Maybe even over thinking. It is good to take the small steps, while being patient and not pushing. At the same time, it would be good to stop and let yourself work with your own attachment about how this is going to turn out. If your sole focus is about getting back together then it will be difficult to be patient and move step by step. When we are impatient we naturally push for things to move more quickly and we push for a resolution. The reason we do this is because we are uncomfortable with not knowing, with feeling as though we are in limbo. And, we push because the feelings we have about not knowing are uncomfortable.
While it is good tot take the steps it is even more important to work with yourself on learning to tolerate all of your emotions. Learning to be okay where you are, even if things don’t get back on track is even more important than getting back on track with this guy because that is about your relationship ith yourself. And, your relationship with yourself is the more important and interesting relationship you can ever have! Can you tell me about the anxiety and impatience you may be feeling in all of this?
Kanya
HI Sharon, Wow, you are doing soooooo well. I really a blown away by how much growth you have experienced since joining our site. You seem to have a very different perspective on all of this now than you did just a week ago. You are a rock star!
You did a great job on listing the things you liked about you ex and about the relationship. I suggest that you create a Vision Board for the type of relationship you are committed to building, whether it is with him or someone new. Have you ever created one before? If not, here is a link to a video that will guide you through the process.
I noted something that you shared; “I just wish I could do all these things without the constant nausea, tightness in my chest, and tearfulness.” We’ve known for a long time that emotional pain can lead to challenges on the physical level and everything is connected inside of us; mind, body, and emotions. You are in a heightened stress state that is often characterized as fight, flight, or freeze. I’d like to share some exercises that might help you. First, sitting quietly and beginning to reach deeply. Then, after you have relaxed a bit begin to imagine that your breath is moving into your body. The focus on on relating the body utilizing your breath and imagination. Slowly move your awareness from the tips of your toes, up the body, to the top of your head. Then, move back down your body to your toes again. Note any parts of your body that are having a difficult time relaxing. Bring your awareness back to those parts and share love, comfort and support. Here is an example, if your chest is tight you can says things like “It is okay to relax. It is okay to be at peace. Even though this is difficult, you are okay. We are okay. You are safe. We are safe. We can feel sad and scared and still be at peace. I will make sure that we stay safe. It is okay to relax and be at peace.” You will feel some small shifts but stick with it and keep reassuring different part of your body that it is okay to relax and be at peace. You are really connecting with younger parts of yourself that didn’t have anyone to care for them on an emotional level and to stay connected on an emotional level. Now you get to do that for yourself! Can you try this exercise a few times and then let me know how you feel and what you notice? I’m really looking forward to hearing about your experiences.
Kanya
Hi M, It sounds as though you have thought it through and you are aware that some of his distant behavior will still be present. Just be sure to talk to him about ay concerns you have if you both decide to move forward.
If you want to reengage perhaps the way to start is by igniting his hero instinct. You start by sending a text simply stating “I need your help.” He will most likely respond quickly so know what it is you ae going to ask him before you initiate the text. You can ask him to come and help you with something but you can also ask him for his opinion about something he is knowledgeable about. After he responds you can stat something like. “Thank you so much for your help! You always knew how to help! (Or insert another compliment that fits) I realize I miss connecting with you. Are you open to grabbing coffee and talking some things through?” Keep it light and simple and see how he responds.
You shared that in time you became kind of different with him, less authentic. Have you worked through this so that you are more comfortable just being yourself with him or anyone?
Kanya
Hi Penny, Happy New Year! I can understand why you don’t want to get stuck at this place. You aren’t together but it seems like a possibility. Here is the thing-he does have a lot of him plate and is dealing with a lot of change. The move, moving toward retirement and all the questions that come with what is next for him. While all of that is true, I am not suggesting that you put your life on hold while he figures all of this out. The reality is, you are both in the friend zone. There is potential for ore but until steps are made to make that happen, it isn’t happening. It sounds like you re open to having a conversation with him about these things once you have the time/space to do so. I think that might clarify things for both of you. IN the mean time, what are you doing to shift your focus away from him and onto other interests in your life? What is making you happy and excited these days?
Kanya
Hi Vino, Welcome to the forum! So glad that you are here. ‘Understand His Mind’ is one of my favs! So, is there a situation you are putting this info to good use? How can we support you in integrating this information at this time? looking forward to getting to know you!
Kanya
Hi Angelica, It sounds like you are integrating a lot of new information regarding relationships and hopefully yourself!
Given his response in the past to pull away when you talk about the relationship, can you identify things to talk about your resolutions without including your intentions for the relationship? Talking about you, your work, friends, goals without naming him as part of that vision may be better as he still doesn’t know where he is heading in his life or possibly even what he wants. We all spend time in that place in life at times and feeling supported by our friends is really helpful.
In my last message I asked how you were doing and your response related only to him. Tell me more about how you are doing other areas of your life. What interest are getting your attention these days? What are some of your New YEAr’s intentions that aren’t related to your Ex?
Kanya
Hi Angelica, I’m glad that you were able to respond. I understand that the end of the year can be really full! I love what you shared about and wondering, if you are open, if you can share more specifics about this. Also wondering how things are going with your Ex and more specifically how you are doing with the situation?
Kanya
Hi Desma, wow, this is a big change! I am glad that you ware enjoying having him home again. Have you asked about that “one’ thing in the marriage that was a challenge for him? I think it would be great to have more insight into what made it difficult for him to connect on a deeper level. Just wondering, when the two of you first got together did you feel a close and emotionally intimate bond with him? What types of behaviors, interactions, and attitudes helped the two of you achieve and maintain that closeness?
Kanya
