Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Brenda, I am so glad that you are on the forum. You are dealing with an emotionally complicated situation. I think that it is far too soon to think about building a life iwht this man. He has too many hurdles in his way at this point.
I find it so interesting that the moment you expressed concern everything was shut down. You can not loner communicate with him, he is no longer communicating with you. Even if he needed to end things a friend would have communicated what was going on. There are so many things that could have occurred to make him respond this way. Maybe he felt overwhelmed. Maybe his wife saw the texts or sensed something and insisted that he stop communicating with you. Maybe the thought of actually leaving his children was too much for him to bear so he decided to stay in the marriage for now. What ever the reason, his lack of response is communicating so much.
He is just not open to communicating at this time. I can imagine how painful that is for you. You’ve lost your man and your best friend at the same time. That is why you need a team of family and friends to help you get through this!Shift your focus away from him and on to caring for you. I know that it is difficult to hear but if he was willing to break his vowels and sleep with you before he ended things with his wife there there is a good chance that he will do the same thing in the next relationship. I know it is difficult to even imagine but statistically this is what you can expect.
What if you do 30 days of no contact? Don’t reach out to him. Just give each of you space to breath and rebalance. I for sure would wait for him to contact you at this point. When he does, use caution! Do you want to have an affair with a married man? DO you want the challenges and frustrations that come with that? I would hold off attempting to start a relationship until he os put of the house and well on his way to being divorced. Even if he gets to the place where he can separate, you will be seen as part of the problem if you re involved prematurely. That is a label that will stick with you forever. Instead, keep your distance until he has made significant changes. Does that make sense?
Who is part of your support system at this time?Kanya
Hi M, Welcome to the forum we are so glad that you have joined us!
I get your frustration level here. Since he is an introvert it is difficult to know if he isn’t initiating because he isn’t interested in pursuing something or because he is an introvert. I am a little confused about the current state of the relationship. Are the two of you dating openly? If so, h ow frequently do you see each other on average. I know that when he was in town recently you hung out 2x in a week but on a regular week what does the interactions look like?
One this I suggest is that you take a look at the Irresistible Insights page for anything that may be helpful in this situation. One article I really like is entitled; Stop Waiting for him to Make the Move. I suggest you read through it, and any other articles that appeal to you, and let me know what actions you could take to positively affect this situation. I am looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Lisa, Thanks for sharing more. I agree that it will be difficult to do a 30 day no contact as you interact with him on a daily basis. Have you tried to spend more time away from home maybe having dinner with friends or exploring an activity that you really enjoy?
While he is always engaging you, I wonder if you can find ways to do your own thing when he is in the house? Are you sleeping in separate rooms at this point? Perhaps you can make the room your sanctuary? You can add feminine touched, some aroma therapy, calm music, candles, etc. This is the place you can retreat to for some you time. As you become more comfortable spending less time with him it may start to feel like you are pulling away. The more you enjoy your life on your own terms the more he will start to feel what life would be like without you. Right now he seems to have your conversation and attention when ever he wants. What if you find ways to create space? I’m not suggesting you do this in an angry way and I’m not suggesting you even let him know what you are doing. Instead, find ways to distance and reboot while enjoying your life more.
The reality is, as long as he is still talking to the woman he cheated with it isn’t really over with her. Have the two of you talked about the fact that she is still in his life? Right now he doesn’t seem to be having too much emotional pain as he is getting his connection with you and her. What are you doing these days to support and nurture yourself? Who are the friends and family who are supporting you in this difficult time? Who is on Team Lisa?
Kanya
Hi NM, I am so glad that you checked in! It sounds like you are doing great. Isn’t it interesting how different things can seem with a little distance? I am glad that moving on continues to make sense! I support your decision to avoid becoming bitter or hard. WE usually do so because we stop trusting ourselves. I know that sounds weird but when we don’t trust ourselves to make healthy decisions regarding men then we will use anger and hardness as a coping mechanism to avoid being hurt. So, my question is; do you trust yourself to make good decisions in the future? Do you trust yourself to be honest with yourself about any concerns you have about a man you are interested in? Do you trust yourself to pay attention to red flags and let go of a person and/or relationship that is not good for you?
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, Wow, you do have a lot of irons in the fire. I can totally understand why dating is the last thing on your mind. Remember that feeling as you may come across it in a man you are getting to know in the future. When we are in a place of trying to survive, either because of work or a health issue or a family emergency, it is difficult if not impossible, to focus on relationships.
While things are still forming, I am excited to hear that you have so many opportunities in the pipe line. The fact that you have so many people who want to work with you and whom are pushing to get a position in line for you says soooo much about who you are professionally. I hope that you re able to take that in even though it is stressful at this time!
We often recommend creating a Vision Board to help clarify and energize relationship visions but I am thinking that this would be a good time to make one for your next job. You may already be familiar with this process of creating a Vision Board but here is a link to give you some more info and inspiration.
Kanya
Hi Kit, I think there are two parts here; one is to figure out what you want and one is to figure out what he wants, what will help him ‘fall for you.’ You have invested in this friendship for 3 years and it has not become anything more than a friendship. realistically, that is not going to change. For what ever reason, this is just not becoming more. Sometimes two people who seem like they would be perfect together just don’t click. Even though we know a lot about what attracts people to one and other, there is still a lot of mystery involved in falling in love. Unfortunately, that feeling is not present for him. The is sad and disappointing.
I find myself wondering if there is part of you that is hanging in there because letting go would be too painful? If you took your energy and began to focus on meeting someone who lives in your area and who is ready for a relationship, can you imagine that you would meet someone? Sometimes we stay with something that isn’t really working for fear that we will be lonely or alone. Is that something that comes up for you at times? If so, we can help you feel more prepared to move on if that is what you want. If you take him out of the situation, what do you really want for your future?
Kanya
Hi Jonet, Welcome to the forum. We are so glad that you are here! This is a complicated situation and I can understand why you might be feeling overwhelmed! I read through your post a fe times so that I could really understand the situation and I noticed something interesting. You shared that you have an easy going life. It seems that you have done a really good job of building a stable life with little drama. This is wonderful as drama makes it difficult to function, difficult to build, and often creates a sense of constant dis-ease in our lives.
Sine you met him would you say that your life has become more of less easy going? It seems that since you met him you most likely experienced a lot of ups and downs, correct? You’ve been unable to date anyone else for 4 years even though you are clearly a emotionally mature and amazing woman with much to offer in a relationship. Sometimes we mistake drama for passion. Yes, we all want passion but do we really want drama?
You noted that the two of you fell in love at first sight. Here is the thing-what ever you experience when you first meet someone is not love. It is attraction and curiosity and excitement at the feelings you have and what could be with this person. Love on the other hand takes a long time to grow because you need to know someone before true love occurs. The love at first sight is what i call a Disney kind of Love. It is what we think of love when we are kids. As we mature, we realize there is far more to love than initial feelings, hopes, and dreams.
One thing this man does is the he seems to be stuck in the less mature version of love. As a result, he ‘falls in love’ frequently with different woman. He then cheats, blows up his life, and the lives of those woman. Right now i=he is with one woman but keeping you but professing his love. How many other woman do you think he is currently doing this with? My guess is you are not the only one.
He appears to be stuck in a very adolescent stage of love. For some reason he hasn’t developed past what a teenager thinks of love. He hasn’t developed the self control to not sleep with every woman he is attracted to. He hasn’t learned that being with one woman bt telling another woman that you love her is unfair, hurtful and decieving. He is still doing what ever he wants without thinking about how his actions will affect others. This is sad as he is missing out on building a real and lasting relationship.
I’m curious if this is the type of man you have been attracted to in the past? Can you share more about past relationships and what those men were like? Lets see if we can figure some things out here! I’m looking forward to hearing back from you.
Kanya
Hi Cynthia, Yes, this is a complicated situation! There isn’t a right or wrong answer to the question of whether you should continue to talk to him and let him come over. What do you want to do? Are you okay with him sneaking around and seeing you when she is at work? IT is interesting that he thinks all of this behavior is okay when he is misleading two women.
I her that you are going to find ways to ignite his hero instinct and I think that this is a great idea. When he comes over, what is the benefit you experience? How do you feel? What emotions does his presence trigger in you? I’m wondering if it would be easier for you to focus on you if he comes over less frequently? Are you needing more time for you?
Kanya
Hi Candace, I love the insight you are demonstrating!!! Can you share more about why you believe you are keeping people from seeing you and giving you a chance? Is it a mindset, behavior, combination of both? Let’s unpack this a bit more and see what we can figure out!
Kanya
Hi Dana, I think it is going to take some time to feel better, to feel good again. The key to that is to pay attention to your thoughts. The thought that make you feel upset and marginalized are the ones to change to more neutral thoughts. I know you feel victimized now as he is choosing to ghost and disconnect. The thing is, this is who he is and how he handles situations. I don’t believe he is being a jerk, I think he is doing what he can but he is limited inches abilities. I don’t think he is punishing you, I just think this is what he does when he is feeling emotionally overwhelmed. It isn’t personal and that is important to remember.
While I do nt think you are responsible for his choices, I do think it is important for you to look at some of the feedback he has given you. He has shared multiple times that he feels your re controlling him. What is happening that he feels this way? From what you shared I don’t think it is controlling from your perspective but I do think that it is about maybe sharing your opinion and what he should do versus what he wants to do. As an example, he wants to spend more money on a car than you think he should. Does he want you to support his decisions more? Does he want you to believe in his ability to make decisions for himself? Does he want o be treated more respectfully? This is subtle and clearly you are sharing your thoughts as a way to support him but I wonder if there is a different balance that can be struck in this type of situation? Again, his behavior is not your fault or responsibility but I do think there is benefit to you to look at this dynamic more closely so that you can learn form it and move on. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Penny, I can understand the confusion, the feelings you have for him really are deep and meaningful. I wonder if you need to actually disconnect from him and heal your heart to be able to understand why it has been so difficult? I don’t know about you but when I am in the thick of a really difficult situation it is almost impossible for me to figure it out. I often need a lot of space and distance first. Then I am able to look back at a situation and understand it on a deeper level.
In the past, when you did disconnect, were you able to understand dynamics and choices differently?
Kanya
Hi Shelby, Welcome to the forum, I am really glad that you are here! It sounds like he may be in the same place that you were in November and also a few years ago. He is wanting some time for himself and is wanting the two of you to focus o yourselves. Yes, there is a new interest but we aren’t sure what that is or where that will go.
I am curious as to why every once in awhile you end he relationship because you need space? I noted that each time you needed approximately the same amount of time before realizing that you wanted to get bak together. One thing that will be important if you want to build a partnership is to be able find time and focus for yourself while staying in a relationship. What has gotten i the way for you in the past to be able to balance both a relationship and self focus?
Is this the first time in 6 years that HE has decided the the needs some time? Do you think he is the type od person who would do that in a mean way or asa pay back? I’m wondering if he really just needs some time like you have? I’m also wondering if on some level he is wondering if this will continue to happen. It seems like you take a break and he waits, also snot knowing what the outcome will be. Perhaps he has felt the anxiety and confusion that you are feeling now when you took some tome away from the relationship?
Has he shared what it is like for him when you take some time off? Has he shared any other concerns or feelings about the relationship that need to be addressed? Is it possible that he is feeling taken for granted or marginalized in some way? Finally, how old are you two?
Kanya
Hi Penny, I can understand your exhaustion. Sometimes it can start to feel like we are working harder to make things work than the other person. If he has a history of sabotaging then that is what most likely is occurring. That is really sad and really frustrating AND it is not going to change. That is the most important thing to understand and accept. He is not going to change his ineffective behavior. Given this, how committed are you to working things out? Think about how you will feel as he continues to do this. Each time the two of you have a positive experience and star to move forward. he will sabotage. You will naturally feel defeated, sad, frustrated and unfortunately your self esteem with be affected. I get that you are ‘crazy’ about him but you have to look at the big picture. YEs, there are things you really love and yes, there are things that hurt, that belittle, that make you feel less than who you really are.
This sort of pattern will destroy you over time. You will become more and more insecure. Then, you will be more likely to accept hurtful behavior because you stop believing you will ever be loved in a positive way. It is a form of abuse in that it weakens you and makes you more likely you accept the abuse. No, I don’t think he is setting out to abuse you but I think the effect of his behavior is abusive. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Penny, I can understand why you are having a reaction to this. It almost seems like he is sabotaging the situation. You shared that he knows you will know and isn’t it interesting timing for him to make this choice? Has he sabotaged things in the past meaning as things start to move in a good direction does he tend to do something that will cause conflict which ultimately causes distance?
Since the two of you aren’t together then of course you can’t tell him it isn’t appropriate. However, when you are speaking next you can say something like “You know my friends are going to tell me that you’re o that site again. Fond anything interesting/” If you doit in a playful way then he might be more open about what he is thinking. I do wonder if he is sabotaging or testing. He is expecting you to get upset but why not change the dynamic and be playful and unphased by it all?
Kanya
Hi Melissa, I am so glad to hear that things are going better! It sounds like you re both learning new ways to work with your emotions and knee jerk reactions to things. Well done! It sounds like he is really maturing as well as you set clear boundaries. I know that can be scary but you are doing it and getting positive results!
Now, in terms of controlling things. I’m guessing this is not the only situation in your life that you try to control. Is that accurate? Do you remember when it started to feel important to be in control of things? What do you imagine will happen if you aren’t in control?
We usually control because on some level we are convinced that things will go poorly if we aren’t in control. Sometimes we don’t have confidence in the people around us to make things happen in a positive way or at all. And, sometimes we are simply convinced that our way in the right way. We can have difficulty tolerating things that are different than we want. So, when you aren’t ‘in control’ what does your body feel like? Do you have difficulty breathing? Does your heart race? Do you have butterflies in your belly? What type of thoughts to you have? Do you eel sad? Angry? Scared? Overhwhelmed? LEt’s start to really observe your response to not being in control!
Kanya
