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Hi Candace. I am starting to understand how intertwined all of your thoughts and feelings are. Can you share what you are doing now for work? Do you like it? Is it something that you want to keep doing? I get that your mom is trying to help but it seems like when you see a different path you actually begin to get down on yourself and it becomes debilitating. Is this something that has been happening for a long time? Before we focus on finding a mate I think it would be good for you to focus on loving and supporting yourself! You deserve to be your own best friend and biggest fan.
I wonder if speaking with a counselor of therapist would help you gain some insight? And, I think that meeting with someone would help you gain some tools for when you are having a difficult time. Even when you are down it should not stop you from getting in the way of living your life. What do you think?
Kanya
Hi Sam, Gad you have reconnected on the forum. And, I’m glad to hear that he is willing to go to a marriage counselor. I know this may sound weird but for now, it doesn’t matter if he is holding out hope. All that matters is the the is willing to go and talk about some things. Given that the two of you have been married for 33 years it will most likely take some time to see changes and healing but going is a good start!
Have you figured out what you truly want? I know that might seem strange as you want the marriage to work but is the state of the marriage something that works for you? What would you like the relationship to be? How do you think that you can contribute to making some changes that would make both of you enjoy spending time together again?
I noticed that you haven’t responded to Heidi’s questions. I think that doing so would help us but more importantly would help you understand yourself and this situation more fully. Do you think you can review what she asked and let yourself explore the answers that come up for you?
Kanya
Hi, Can you share more about what makes you feel he is complicated and confused? I asked a few threads ago if you thought his change in behavior was because he really wanted to step back into the marriage or if he was feeling jealous of you taking steps to move on. Have you thought about that? I do feel that more distance on your part would be good. While you can’t do a no contact because of the living situation, what if you did a no contact during the day? Meaning, don’t respond to his texts while you are at work. If he gets upset or says it is unacceptable, let him know that until he is no longer talking to that other girl and is fully committed to repairing the relationship that it would be better for you to take a step back. You can assure him this isn’t about you talking to anyone else but rather getting some space. What d you think about doing that?
Have you set any boundaries with I’m in this situation? Do you feel you have equal say in what is happening? Take a minute and consider what you would like to happen with the two of you. Actually write it down and describe it. Is what you want occurring? Is he taking action steps towards that? Sometimes it is difficult to distinguish what someone actually wants because their words and actions differ so much. Right now he seems to be saying he doesn’t know what he wants. He doesn’t want to end things yet he is not willing to end things with a 21 year old? Wondering if that feels one sided to you?
Kanya
Hi Nicole. You are doing so great! This is such a complicated situation I think that you are wise in stepping away from dating him. I love that you realize that expressing your thoughts, feelings, and wants is important! How will anyone ever know what is going on for us if we don’t talk about it? You shared that you were p planning on talking to him more yesterday when he took you to get his car. How did the conversation go?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, I went back and read the past few posts. I do think that when we focus more eon ourselves and let the guys be part of our lives versus the focus of our lives that our energy changes dramatically. And, I think that this change is perceptible! My guess is you already get this but do keep up the change as it is having such a positive impact.
We do have Babel! The only time I used it was when I visited Paris a few years ago. IT works soooo well! What I found most helpful was that I could play the audio and actually her the correct pronunciation of the words. This helped so much as without that I would not have been understood with my accept lol. Of course, I perfected my French accent and will always remember how to order a chocolate croissant lol
I also want to acknowledge you for how you handled your disappointment-well done. When this sort of thing occurs at the beginning of a relationship we can feel a sense of panic as old pains surface. It sounds like you didn’t let that happen! You stayed focused the present and simple dealt with that one situation. And, look how well it worked out for you! Well done!
Kanya
Hi Cynthia, How was the meetup? I love that you are open to trying new, fun things! Your reference to the example of the princess on the balcony from Men are From Mars made me laugh! That is such a great example of how women someones try to over control things that our men are perfectly capable of doing!
I love what Heidi shared about giving very specific actions. Otherwise, he would have no ideas how to make you happier! You might start by thinking about what you want to feel, how you feel love. Then, determine what actions would help you feel more of that. That is what you communicate to him. Can you give us some examples so that we can help you take feelings into actions?
Kanya
Hi Daniel, Question-do you think he wants to reconcile or do you think he doesn’t want to reconcile but also doesn’t want you to move on? This is important for you to figure out. It is interesting that he thinks that it is unacceptable for you not to respond to his messages when he had an affair and has spent a lot of time keeping you in the dark about things. When you told him that you need space did he understand why things are different now?
In terms of taking off your ring, can you tell me what your goal would be with that? You mention providing more clear signals. Does that mean that you want to end the marriage? If that is not your goal then I would not recommend it. Instead, continuing to take some space seems to be working well! In some ways I get the sense that he may not understand that you are now a decision maker in what happens next. Do you have clarity as to what you want and what things need to change for you to step back into the marriage fully?
Kanya
Hi Madi, I really get that this is a difficult situation – and a confusing one. On the one hand you feel he was always there for you, you had fun together, and he bought out the best in you! On the other hand, he was a charmer, often flirtatious with other girls, kind of spending time with you and his ex, and not always treating you well.
The thing is, you need to look at the whole picture or who he is. When we are feeling heart broken we tend to remember the good in a person or a relationship. It is something our brain naturally does. Remembering the good will make us want to get back with someone. A million years ago this was important because we literally needed to stay with our people to survive. But today, that primal brain response is no longer necessary or helpful. The reality is, this guy doesn’t really know what he wants in that he wants everything. But, he doesn’t want to take responsibility for his commitments. He wants to flirt, keep a number of women circling in his orbit, how up with whole ever he likes when ever he likes, etc. I agree with Heidi the this is not the definition of live.
He many ways he is at a teenager level of development when it comes to relationship. That means that if you try to stay commented to him you will continue to feel confused and torn. Right now you are trying to navigate your life using him as your north star but he keeps changing. AS a result, I image that you sometimes feel like you are going around in circles. What if you start to determine what it is you want and then see if he fits into that vision, not the other way around? What does your vision for a loving and consistent relationship look like?
Kanya
Hi Vinodha, I really acknowledge you for being so honest with yourself and with us. I think we all have insecurities and ideas about who we are and what we deserve. What is the reason you believe that men you are attracted to will not be attracted to you? It is interesting that you share that YOU don’t find Indian people attractive. I believe that you may be projecting this belief on to others. Can you remember a time when you did feel attractive? Can you remember anyone in your childhood or reinforced that you are a beautiful person? What were some of the messages you received as a child that may have contributed to this belief system?
I love that you are opening up to some potential with new people. What if you start by focusing on building solid friendships with the men that are in your life. It sounds like there are several at work that you could get to know better. Who are the people outside of work that you can deepen your connections with? When you do that and start to feel a higher level of love and acceptance reflected back to you it has the potential to increase your confidence as well.
In terms of your skin tone, it is interesting that you shared that you cannot make yourself white or become prettier. My children are from Burma and have the most beautiful skin color but I can see in them, their conversations with their peers, that they too value lighter skin. I was always confused by this as I find their skin tone to be quite beautiful. I think it has to do with wanting to be or have something you can’t be or have. Perhaps it is time to challenge this notion that lighter skin is better and more beautiful that darker skin. The best way to do this is to begin to see yourself as beautiful just as you are. It doesn’t matter if you are ‘pretty’ in a traditional sense. The thing that truly makes people beautiful is when they feel good about themselves. Period. When you feel good about yourself you will radiate an aura that men will find irresistible. What types of things do you do to make yourself FEEL more beautiful? Are there ways in which you can and have felt beautiful?
Here is an interesting TedTalk regarding the color of skin and ways to actually move from questioning to accepting our skin tone. I hope you find it interesting!
Kanya
Hi Cherice, So glad that you are here, welcome! I can understand why his commen blaming the marriage for his drinking was hurtful. As he goes through more recovery I hope that he gets to the point where he realizes that it wasn’t the marriage that made him drink but his reaction to the marriage, or even being married, that made him drink. And, my guess is he drank before you were married so this is an interesting idea on his part. Never the less, something about the marriage made him feel stressed out, incapable, maybe even disappointed in himself. Can you share more about what he has shared was stressful or difficult for him? This will be important because he will need to see those dynamics are changeable in order to begin to consider the possibility of reconciling.
I agree that it is confusing that he continues to say that he is done but in some ways he continues to act as a family. While I can’t know for sure, I do wonder if he is confused as well? In these situations people often are hopeless that things will change. When the dynamic does begin to change, and the couple learns to respect and connect on a deeper level, then hope can start to form.
Can you share more about the relationship when you were together?
Kanya
Hi NM, I really understand the fear that you won’t meet anyone who you really connect with. Most people wonder about that at some point.6 years is indeed a long time. During that time, how open have you been to a relationship? I mean really open? I know this is painful but trust me there are things we can do to help you move forward in a positive way!
I get that we all have the tendency to blame ourselves sometimes. The thing is, you didn’t do anything wrong! You like him and treated him in a respectful manner. Your attempt to ignite his hero instinct was a positive move. Doing nothing would have possible made you feel helpless and disempowered. It is important to separate your behavior from his response to your behavior. You reaching out to him was a positive and even healthy response. You liked him and wanted to engage more. There is nothing to be embarrassed about or feel angry with your self over. Even if someone doesn’t respond to you, or even ghosts you, that is not a reflection on you. It is a reflection on him. There are a million reasons that he didn’t respond and not one of them is related to you. He is responsible for his behavior, his actions and his lack of action. Just wondering, is blaming yourself something that you have done in the past?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, I love that you are letting things come at their own pace. Doesn’t it feel liberating when you can do that! I am happy for you and excited about how things are going. In addition to not pushing, are you doing anything differently with this guy that may be contributing to this feeling so seamless?
Kanya
Saruga, I agree that if he really wanted more then he would be putting more into it. Men who want someone will go to great lengths and great effort to make the connection happen. Even though it may have seemed painful, I do acknowledge him for being honest and not feeding hope in you for something more. He is clear and is acting appropriately.
So, what is next for you? I’m wondering the degree to which you are letting your heart be open to something and someone new?
Kanya
Hi Vino, You go girl! I love the passion in wha tho are sharing. Are you angry? Passionate? Clear? Strong? Maybe you are a combination of all four? I love that you are ready to own how amazing you are. You are not responsible for making the rpeople app. Of course you need to be yourself, be honest, be you. Yo are the best you there is so let it shine!
Let me ask yo a question; when you were writing about your ideal relationship how did you feel? You sound strong and clear and I’m just wondering if that was your experience? If so, I wonder how you can stay connected to that feeling?
Kanya
Hi Carol, Thanks so much for the update! It sounds as though the two of you are working through things. Every couple has a bad vacation story! Every couple has ups and downs. That is totally normal. While we don’t have control ver a lot of things in life including our guy being grumpy at times. we do have say over how we respond to them and to frustrating things in life.
It seems as though your insecurities tend to get the best of you. Maybe it is time to work with a therapist or counselor to help you let this go. It is important that you feel secure about yourself and the relationship even if he is grumpy or having a bad day. Usually insecurities come from distorted thinking. Let me give you an example. He is inviting you to hand out with his friends on his birthday. That is a ferret step yet your thoughts are focusing on him going hiking with friends on his own. Healthy couples d spend time with their friends on their own. That is normal and even healthy.
I suggest you take a piece of paper and fold it in half lengthwise. On one side list the fearful thoughts you have about him hiking with his friends without you. Then, on the other side take each thought and update it to something more neutral and realistic. For example, if you have a thought that says “He doesn’t care about me unless he includes me in all social situations.” Take a breath and think about what you might tell a friend about this. Then, update the thought to something like “It is healthy for couples to spend time on their own with their friends. And, his feelings for me are still there even if I am not with him.”
After you finish this process, fold the page in half and keep the neutral/positive statements so that you can focus on them throughout the next several days. Keep reminding yourself of the neutral thoughts as you start to use them to comfort the fears. Remember, fears are not facts. They are just fears. And, think about working with someone as this will make you heal more quickly! What do you think?
Kanya
