[Kanya D]

Hi Ching, I think Heidi is telling you the best way to get him back – get ourself back first! That means that you learn to feel good about you no matter what he is doing. Stop begging him, stop asking him to love you, just take a step back. Focus on you, your kids, rebuilding your relationship with your mother in law. If you stop trying to win him back you have a better chance or him moving towns you.

There has been so much conflict in your marriage for so long that it will take more than a few words in a text to fix things. It will take work on your relationship with yourself first and then, if and when he is ready it will take work for the two o you to get back to a better place. There is no quick fix because it has taken so many years for the relationship to deteriorate. Does what we are saying make sense to you?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi JS, I totally understand why this is overwhelming but let’s be honest-you are not a stupid person! I just get the sense that you are not thinking things through. For instance, inviting Steve over for dinner on Valentine’s Day was an interesting choice. What made sense about that? Did you think it through and see that perhaps it would be much better FOR YOU to just spend time with him and the girls on the weekend if that worked out? Did you think that you could spend Valentine’s Day with him and not long for more? My guess is tha would have been difficult for anyone in this situation!

Then, the he kissed you and you kissed back, did you consider just sending him home? That would have been a good way to protect and love yourself. And let’s face it, you need to be your number one priority in all of this! From my perspective, if you are wanting to give something up where it is a mania chocolate, or alcohol, the best way to make this easier is to not bring it into the house! Do not bring it into your sanctuary! Only being the things and the people that love you and make you feel good about yourself into your sanctuary. The reality is, Steve does not deserve to be there. Gary does not deserve to be there.

From my perspective, Steve’s priority was Netflix and sex. He wouldn’t even kiss you when he left. What is that? He just wants what he wants on his terms and he isn’t considering what you need. He isn’t going to change. The only way to make a change is for you to change. When he texts, be friendly as your kids are friends but don’t initiate any meeting or time together. If he tries to initiate, just tell him you can’t, you aren’t available, you have plans with friends, your too tired and want to get a good night sleep, etc. I know that it seems like a really difficult thing to do and it may be but guess what? Setting boundaries will help you feel stronger, more empowered! You will get stringer and more confident. You will learn that you can say no and then you will be free because you will know that you are no longer under the spell of someone who will never truly value or respect you. I know this is a lot so I’m wondering what you think about what I have shared?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Erin, I am so sorry. You must really feel shell shocked. My guess is, the two of you were never really on the same page. You are good at noting signs that he might be moving towards having a relationship but I don’t think he ever was really serious about that. I think he was seeing this as a FWB situation and sometimes saw rays of potential but he didn’t do anything to feed them. On the contrary, he turned away from signs such as him feeling excited or starting to trust you. What were the circumstances under which he introduced you to his mom? He may also be running as he has been hurt in the past and will need to take a risk that he isn’t ready for. It will be interesting to see if this new dating situation amounts to anything or will it fizzle.

I am sorry that this didn’t become more. In terms of turning it around, the best thing you can do is move out of FWB zone and back to strictly friend zone. That means one thing does not lead to another unless he is communicating and demonstrating that he is pursuing a relationship with you. Do you think this person has enough of what you re really looking for to stay friends with him and wait to see if there is another opening? Of course it would be better if you have other people you are interested in so that you don’t feel left behind or hurt by his erratic behavior. you know yourself better than anyone, is this something you could pursue and see how things unfold?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Vino, I love that you are so open and processing soooo much! I know it isn’t easy but you are doing an amazing job!

I find it interesting that you associate being dignified with being an adult. YEs, many adults are dignified but there are many ways to be mature. IT sounds as though you have a playful nature which I hope will always be part of your personality. The truth is, adults who still have a playful, child like side often age better and live longer! I wonder if there is a way to begin to see adulthood in a more balance manner. Right now your definition of adulthood and motherhood seem a little black and white which can put you in a small box that leaves little room for exploration.

Do you know any adults who approach adulthood in a more balanced manner? People who are responsible and successful but also fun and silly? I think that if you accept yourself as an adult and also fun you will feel better about yourself and your abilities!

I’m sorry to hear about your store closing. What are your plans for your next job and career move? I know if can feel overwhelming but you’ve got this!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Carol. I really acknowledge you for thinking things through! It sounds as though you do trust him and you do not think that anything is going on with his ex’s even though he has maintained a friendship with many of them.

It is interesting that on the one hand you trust him but on the other hand there still feels as though there is an “ex issue.” Is it possible that this is an automatic response inside of you? If so, is it something hat you can learn to be at peace with? It is interesting that you have attracted someone who is so friendly with his ex’s when that is such a big trigger for you. It sounds as though you’ve asked him if he wants to be in a relationship with these other women and he always says no. Have you shared your concerns that when he goes home for a visit he might want to hook up with his ex? That might be the question you need answered. Something as simple as “I know that you don’t want to be in a relationship with her anymore but I do get a little worried that you might want to hook up with her when you go home to visit.” Then sit back and see how he responds.

I love that you are seeing the good in the relationship. That can make so much difference in how we are feeling and it tends to lessen our insecurities as well! Have you shared with him how good you are feeling about things and acknowledged the things that you really appreciate?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi NM, I can understand your frustration. While I don’t think he said hurtful things to make you weaker, I think that is what the result feels like to you. There is a great book that I recommend to a lot of my clients; The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance — What Women Should Know (Katty Kay and Claire Shipman). It is a really easy read and is filled with som much great information. Why don’t you get it and start working your way thought it. I’d love to hear what you think.

In terms of our programs, I highly recommend His Secret Obsession. I think it does a great job in explaining how the mind of men work and how to work with those new insights. I will say, I think that improving your self confidence is the first priority. Confidence is the most alluring quality a woman possesses. I suggest you start by no longer taking the behavior or actions of others personally. Just know that they are doing their best but their bad behavior ultimately is not about you, or anyone. It is about them. You can still feel good and confident even when they are aren’t being kind or respectful. Do you have any friends of mentors who are good at this? I wonder if they could help you develop this new skill!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Melissa, I need to call you on something. It sounds like you texted him at 9 and when he hadn’t responded by 10:30 you were frustrated and felt like he didn’t care or was being disrespectful for not texting. It was only 90 minutes. Like anyone, he needs space to be able to respond to you when he is ready. Do you understand why he may be feeling controlled or pushed when you are feeling panicked?

In many ways this is about your anxiety or fear that gets triggered when he doesn’t respond as quickly as you’d like or how you’d like. I’m glad that you see this and am wondering what you are doing to work on this? When you feel that tightness and frustration what are your go to coping mechanisms?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Sharon, Wow, what a journey you have been on. As I went back and read through the thread I had a thought that I wanted to share. I just get the sense that the two of you did not breaking out the best in each other when things got stressful or overwhelming. This is important to note as life is full of stressed and frustrations.

It sounds as though you are going an amazing job with getting on with your life! Well done!!! I love ether you are running which will make you feel stronger, looking for a cottage by the sea which will ground you and moving towards working on your MA. It seems as though you are really refocusing on you and on getting on with your life. Awesome job!

Now for the money he owes you. My guess is he will drag his feet on this. I encourage you to trust your initial thought son this and allow your sister to handle all communication with him about this. The reason is that I sense that he will be unresponsive and the situation could retriever your frustrations in general. My concern is that you will get sucked back into that place of frustration and disempowerment. You gave made sooooo much progress I encourage you to focus on moving forward. Take anything that could retriever you and let it go or have someone else make it happen. I know you don’t want to burden your sister with this task but I fear it would stop you from truly moving on. Does that make sense?

When do you start your MA? I am so excited for you!!!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Melissa, Welcome to the forum! So, you met a guy, had a good first date, then he didn’t follow up – how frustrating! I’ not sure how long ago this occurred or how long it has been since you hear from him. Can you see if he is still active not he dating site? My guess is he is either really busy and not sure how to fit dating into his life of he isn’t ready to really spend time with one person-even if there was a connection.

If he does reach out to you and you want to see him again I suggest that you not be overly available. Let him see that you are busy, have lots going on, and that he will need to work a little to get your attention. My concern with him is that even if you do hear from him he will be a stop and start kind of guy. Meaning that he will be there, then disappear, then be there and disappear. Surprisingly, this is actually a kind of guy that we can get hooked on ultimately causing a lot of pain and frustration. have you continued to meet and date other guys on the dating app? IF so, what has that experience been like. If not, what is holding you back?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Jennifer, Thanks for sharing more about what occurred. In reading what you sent to him, it sounded to me as though you were breaking up with him or letting him know that what was occurring was not acceptable for you. I didn’t see any wiggle room. My guess is that this is not what you were wanting to communicate. Had the two of you talked about time constraints before? I’m wondering if on some level you were already feeling as though things would not get better?

If you need closure are you open to reaching out to him to see if the two of you could meet for coffee? Simply letting him know that this would help you achieve closure seems like a realistic request. If he is open, and you do meet, I would ask open ended questions and listen as he explains where he was coming from. It is important to realize that me who care about us value our happiness. If/when they don’t feel they can make us happy they will often retreat to avoid causing us pain. It seems as if that may have been his intention in ending the relationship.

So how do you feel about initiating a coffee meet?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Vin, Thank you for sharing so openly. I am honored that you felt safe to do so! I love that you realize you are on to something here! I think that learning to redefine the meaning of “maternal” or “motherhood” is a great idea. If you truly reject it, then yes you are rejecting an important part of yourself. In what ways, specifically, do you not want to be like your mom? After you have identified the ways, think about the reasons you want to avoid being that way. When the nurses at the pediatric office referred to you as mom, what about that made you so angry? What is the downside of being a mother? In some ways it sounds as though you feel suffocated, in danger, powerless. Did you ever experience your own mother as powerless, weak, in danger? Can you redefine the meaning of maternal in a way that empowers and strengthens you?

I also want to acknowledge you for the mother you are. Just because you are not the kind of mother that all the books tell you that you should be, that doesn’t mean that your kids are suffering. Now that you are becoming aware of all of this of course how you parent will change. the reality is, how we parent is always changing. At the same time, acknowledge yourself for all that you have given to your children to make them whole, smart, funny, etc. No one needs to be perfect to have done a good job! Looking forward to hearing more of your thoughts!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Cynthia, I just want to remind you that yo are doing a really great job with a very difficult situation!

When you ask “How long the no contact takes” do you mean how long you want to not contact him or are you wondering how long until he responds to the no contact? The reason I ask is because I want you to be clear that no contact is for you to be able to move on. YEs, it may affect him as well and lead to a reconnection but I would not go into the no contact period with that as the end goal.

My understanding is that a 30 day no contact window is a good amount of time. IT takes about that long to stop a habit and crate a new onw. Since you re trying to break the habit of talking everyday and want to start to create a life without him then 30 days seems like a good amount of time.

Initially it will feel difficult and you may wonder why you are even doing it. That is a totally normal response but keep with it. Eventually it will get easier. Eventually you will actually learn to like your time without him. Eventually your heart will start to heal. One added benefit is realizing that you really are okay without him. Then you will start to see the possibilities in life without him. I have done this before and was surprised at how empowered I felt pastime went on. I believe this will be your experience as well! W=Thoughts?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi, I am so glad that the two of you have started to work with someone! I hear that i many ways you were not happy in the relationship either. I am glad that the wo of you are willing to be honest with each other even thought it is a painful process. I am hoping that over time you will each get to express yourself and more importantly hear the other persons pain on a deeper level. When this occurs empathy can be very healing and a great way to start interacting in new and loving ways.

When you were first together do you remember the loving actions and behaviors that helped the two of you feel close? Can you share them with the intention of beginning to share with each other in loving ways again?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Candace, I am so glad that you are here and opening up. It sounds as though you have had a lot of strong minded people directing your actions, beliefs, and aspirations for years. It also sounds like you are ready to be the person in charge of your life. That is great and so appropriate! I am glad that you are doing to a new therapist. Just want to make sure that this person is licensed and not affiliated but any church or religious group? It is important to work with a neutral person who will help you learn to be the driver in your life.

Perhaps for now the focus needs to be on you? I know that you want a relationship but it seems as though you are still luring about who you are, what is important to you, what your goals are, etc. Anyone you attract now might be confused in the way the tyou are or worse, someone who wants to continue to tell you how to live, who to be, and what to do. As you move into more confidence and healthy separation from your mom and other authority figures, you will naturally attract someone who matches your independent and confident energy.

On this journey you will need to learn how to say no to the people around you who are used to being in charge of your life. I’m not going to sugar coat it this will be difficult. They will not like hearing no. They will not like losing control of you. And, you will question yourself as they push back. However, you deserve to be the amazing, independent person you are meant to be. Again, so glad that you are going to be working through all of this with a therapist.

Here is a poem by my favorite poet Mary Oliver that reminds me of the journey on which you are embarking:

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice —
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voice behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do —
determined to save
the only life that you could save.

Mary Oliver
The Journey

I believe i you and I know you can do this!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Vinodha, wow-I love this. To me it means that you are opening up to female energy being supportive and helpful. That is about relying on yourself more for support and also opening up to other women being supportive and even opening up to the energy of the divine feminine. That tells me that something profound is shifting inside of you. To me that is an integral part of healing and growing!

I want to challenge something here. Human beings don’t belong “to” people. That suggests ownership and control. What if you belong only to you and any higher power that you believe in. And, you can find the place ‘where’ you belong in life. And, the reality is, that place of belonging outside of yourself is alway open to changing. But, if you see yourself as the north star-the place that guides you and the place of belonging that you return to over and over again, then you will never be lost! I know that this is a very different idea the what you learned as a child but perhaps it is time for an update! Thoughts?

Kanya

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