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Ughhh Donna, This guy just does not seem up to the task of talking things through. You must be feeling so frustrated at this point. I can understand why you are wondering if you are being too patient. Can you tell me more about why you are feeling that way?
Kanya
Hi Julianne, It sounds as though you are being realistic with the situation which is very important. YEs, he may seem to be flirting now but that could change again. My concern is that he has said on a few occasions that he doesn’t have the level of romantic feelings that he thinks he should have at this point. That is difficult to overcome in a shirt amount of time. I get that he is flirting but he may just see that as being fun and playful. Until you hear him say that he does have feelings for you and is crazy about you I would not make any assumptions. I too think he needs to foggier some things out and that will take time. Are you on board with being his friend and supporting him without expectations?
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, it is interesting that Russell brings out the playful side of you. That is something I definitely encourage you to do more often. It is very feminine and fun and it sounds as though you need more fun after this current assignment. I totally get that you HATE this assignment but like Heidi, I am wondering if there are ways for you to enjoy it more. Maybe just start by changing some of the negative thoughts to neutral to start as changing from negative to positive is often too big of a change to start. Here is an article that might be useful right now:
I am glad that there is an end is sight and would imagine that regulations will change a lot in the the next few months depending not the numbers. It sounds as though you haven’t lost anyone to Covid and for that you are blessed! It is complicated for sure!
If you are bored at work are there things you can do that would make your day more interesting? My guess is you may have been in this situation in the past at some point. How have you battled boredom in past situations?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, Ughhh. The biggest red flag with the arguing guy is that he doesn’t listen to you or consider how those messages affect you. I get that you aren’t the kind of person who just blocks of ghosts someone. Your willingness to communicate with people is evident and is something that you have worked on and developed over time. And, if you keep setting boundaries with someone and they keep ignoring you it is okay to block them. In a way, that is you listening to you and it shows others that your boundaries matter!
Anything fun planned for the New Year?
Kanya
Hi Emile, Happy New Year. Not sure what your current restrictions are or if parks open these days and can you walk around. I’m wondering if it is possible to get creative in terms of spending time with people out doors until you feel safe enough to go indoors?
In terms of the guy you argued with-while he may be saying that this is not who he really is, if you ignore his words what is he communicating to you with his behavior? When we get miseducating messages from someone it is often best to take a step back and observe. How do you feel about this guy?
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, I am so glad you finally felt up to gettin out! Your walk sounds fun and I am sure you are looking forward to taking those walk with friends again. I am glad that you are clear that you are leaving and have a clear timeline – let the count down begin! I was thinking about how difficult he past few months have been for you and started to imagine that you are actually building a foundation in your life that you may not even be aware of. I get the sense that you re done isolating and wonder if you will be more connected to friends in the future as a result of your recent isolation? Will you be returning to a home you already have in Calgary or some place new?
Russell does sound like he has some decent potential. I like that he is consistent and seems to want to get to know you. This is great and must feel like a decent change after Robin. I hope that once he gets hooked back up to the internet things will start to flow. Hope your body continues to get better. Will you perhaps get to go to Arizona for part of those 2 weeks in January? Some sunshine and warmth might be good for you!
Kanya
Hi Eva, I understand your desire to be nice AND it is important that you find a way to set boundaries with this person. In doing so, you are being nice to yourself. You could send a text saying something like “Hey, just wanted to let you know that I’m taking some space for me. I value our friendship but need to make some changes in my life. Hope you understand. Thanks.” If you aren’t comfortable being that direct you could let more and more time pass between his contacting you and you responding. At some point do you think he will notice the space and try to reengage? If so, do you have a plan to address it if you start to want to reconnect? If not, lets help you create one!
Kanya
Hi Vino, I appreciate your being willing to hear where I was coming from. It is a big decision and I am glad that you are opening up to those close to you to share your ideas. You are a highly insightful woman and I am sure that you will make the decision that is best for you. Do keep us posted!!!
Happy New Year.
Kanya
Hi Jodie, I can hear the strength in your words. I am so proud of you and I know this has not been easy. You are taking a road that many people avoid but are getting stronger and more secure. You are getting more clear on what you want and what your next relationship looks like. While it is difficult, it is all serving you well!
As I was reading through your messages I thought of a poem that has always be helpful to me when moving to the next level of learning or the next phase of my life. It is called The Journey bu Mary Oliver. Here it is:
Hi Byron, Welcome to the forum, so glad that you are here! What a complicated situation this is. I agree, it should not be this difficult. I think you have found yourself a man who has an avoidant attachment style. This means that he avoids emotional intimacy. He lets you be around him but rarely lets you in. You’ll note that this guy lets you in when he thinks you are not interested in him. Once you become interested, he seems to turn him back on you and act like he never said he wanted more. Once you had a boyfriend and were secure in a new relationship he said he was ready. He said he would be your friend or be in a relationship with you. After you broke up with your boyfriend he became distant, said he needed to keep things simple, etc. Grad school was not what got in the way, his avoidant tendencies got in the way.
He promises things, give mixed messages, but ultimately only lets you get close when he wants you to reconnect. Once you do reconnect, he shuts down. It is a really confusing pattern. You can see that he has the ability to open up when he wants to but then shits down just as you are on the precipice of creating something real and lasting. After you start to move on he seems to come back, say he is ready, etc. I would imagine that you feel as though you re taking a ride on an emotional roller coaster where this person is concerned.
In these situations I encourage my clients to ignore the words he is saying and pay attention to the message his behavior is sending. Based on his behavior, is this person there for you? Can uo count on him? Yes, he may have good explanations for the changes but promising a relationship to the point where you break uo with someone and then not keeping his promises is the important message. This man is not going to get over this or change. I think avoidant want to change but they are overwhelmed when they start to feel close to someone and they run. It is almost as though they can’t help themselves and they seem o have little to no inf=sight into their behavior and pattern.
I think part of the reason we feel that chemistry is because for those short bursts of time in which they are available they seem to really get us. They are so excited about feeling that connection they desire that when they are open emotionally it can feel intoxicating. They get us because they are camilions. They have a false self that will blend with the person they are attracted to but it isn’t their real selves. So at times they feel like our soul mates but when it gets to uncomfortable for them they shut down and can even become dismissive and mean. At this point they will go to great lengths to get the space they need to feel safe again. Do to mistake that intense connection for reality. It is only a temporary response and avoidant has to attain closeness. It will never last.
I am sorry to tell you this but I want to be real with you. I don’t think that the difficulties in the past 4 years have been about timing, all those signs point to this man being an avoidant. Research says that some avoidants can change over time but I would estimate that only a small percentage do change. Given what I have shared, how do you feel about this person and this situation?
Kanya
Hi Vino, I love that you are so open and continue to deepen your insight. That is fabulous! I hera that you really want to show your faith in God more, to trust that God will be there for you and support you. I also think that we need to do our part, show up, work hard, and try hard. I support you in wanting to have greater faith in God but I am going to burst your bubble a bit. I don’t think it is a wise idea to cut off all sources in income and ask God to provide. It seems extreme and possibly something that could leave you financially destitute. What if you take small steps instead? Save up money so that you have an emergency fund to support you for at least a year. Start working at a job that will support you and put in the time until you feel confident that the job will continue.
Child support is there to help you take care of your kids and that is vital. That is for them, not you so I would continue to accept that money so you can take care of them. If you also get alimony, put the money away and give it to your children one day when they need help. This is one analogy that came to mind about your plan. Let’s say you play to go swimming in a river. You have the option of staying the the calm water or going in to dangerous waters. God can help and support you in both scenarios but do you really need to swim along in choppy waters to prove that you are trusting God? I know, this is not what you expected and it may not be the advice that others would give but I think it is important to weight the risk and benefits of all situations before making a decision. Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Katerina, I can understand you not wanting to let go after investing 20 years. I’m wondering if perhaps it is to soon to make the decision about whether you will be with him or not. What if you reach out and start a conversation with him without any attachment to what happens. Instead, focus on reconnecting with an old friend and working through what got in between the two of you. Start by letting him know that you miss him and that you aren’t comfortable with how things ended. See if the two of you can start to communicate again and work through your differences.
This will take a lot of patience and a lot of listening and contemplating. You may not like what he says but be open to listening. How he talks to you will tell you more about him and what he wants. Be aware, he has given you so many mixed messages over the year that he will probably do the same. Meaning, don’t listen to his promises, pay attention to his actions. Be realistic about who he is and what you can realistically expect from him and then decide what you want and if it is realistic in this situation. You may need more than one conversation and some time to think before deciding what is right for you. What do you think of this idea? TO start, you could send him a text that says “Help, I need your help.” When he responds ask if you can talk and go from there.
In terms of your other questions, you can talk about ways to improve friendships and connections. And of course you can talk about changes you want to make as we would be happy to help you with that as well! Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Nicole, I think that doing it through text was easier for him. I don’t think that he has really thought about how this is affecting you. Earlier in the month he shared that he knew hw was being selfish but it was “too much him being him.” He knows that his behavior is immature yet he isn’t doing anything to change it. He may be ‘selfless’ with others, but he clearly isn’t selfless in all of his relationships. In many ways, he really is just thinking of himself. Of course you are hurt and confused. It is a natural response to what he is doing. Any, I’m sure you are starting to see that this is not something that is going to change. So, you get to decide how you want to proceed. What you are feeling and going through is a normal part of the grieving process. While it is difficult, keep moving through this and get to your inner strength. That is what you deserve to feel and I promise, you will feel that again!
I’m glad that you have plans with friends this weekend. Enjoy the time and keep moving forward feeling good about who you are and how you have managed this situation.
Kanya
Hi Melissa Welcome to the forum. This is a complicated situation. The first thing that I want to say is that yo are giving this man soooo much power over you. Regardless of your feelings for him please don’t give him this power. He doesn’t get to make you feel broken, or insecure. While his behavior is hurtful this is a man that you have not seen for many, many years. Stay in the present with what is and stop letting him take you on this rollercoaster ride.
You owe this man nothing. If you want to go to your God Son’s basketball game, go. And no, you don’t need to inform him that you are going or not going. The two of you been to rekindle a friendship but that does not give him the right to be in charge of you in any way, shape or form. He opened up for a bit and then shut down. We may never know why he did that but please don’t change your behavior or question yourself int he hopes that if you change enough, he will open up again. Just be your awesome self. Think of this as just a potential friendship with someone that you no longer know. Reframe this as a good thing in that he showed you who he was before things got too serious, before your heart was truly invested. It is normal to romanticize an old love but now that you are starting to see that he is human and this imperfect, you get to decide if this is the type of person you want in your life. Take a step back, rebalance so that you stop letting his behavior determine how you feel, and be realistic about this person.
Prior to you contacting him on Facebook, how did you feel about yourself? What was your confidence level like? Looking forward to hearing back from you.
Kanya
Hi Nicole. It sounds like you are doing really well in a difficult situation. I love that you are thinking of ways to support yourself as well as projects to keep you busy along the way. How sad that he has handled all of this in such a dysfunctional manner. I think that having a timeline is a very self supportive decision. And, perhaps you need to be prepared for him to turn around and want to reengage once you set the boundary. If that occurs, I suggest you pay attention to his past behavior and indecision. He doesn’t really seem to know what he wants and I do not expect that behavior to change even if his words do.
I know things are really different with Covid but do you have any fun plans for the holiday?
Kanya
