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Hi Vin, I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. It is difficult to understand the loss of someone so young and so full of potential.
I’m sorry that the store has closed and I am so proud of you for how you handled the closing. When ever you speak of it there is so much strength, good will, and positivity in your words. I get the sense that your attitude s often contagious and has affected your coworkers in a really positive way!
I love that you have found your Indian Maiden and that you are considering letting her attract men into your life. She is so powerful, fun, and clear abouot what she wants and doesn’t want. How do you think you could tap in to that part of you when interacting with men and opening to a new relationship? It sounds like that part of you may have been present when you were interacting with the man from the liquidation company. As you wrote about him he seemed to be a good match in personality and level of funnest! Did you sense yourself interacting with him in a different what than the men you see as potential mates?
I really understand why you are feeling uncomfortable in the place of limbo and that many feelings are coming up for you. Can you tell me about the heaviness you re feeling? I sometimes sense that you push yourself to focus on the positive and be happy but I want to reassure you that letting the other feelings come to the surface to be explored, processed, and released is really important too. So, can you open your heart and share more? We’re really looking forward to hearing more from that part!
Kanya
Hi Nina, I am glad that you continue to check in. I understand that you may be feeling like a fool but really, we all fall for these types of guys at one time of another. Not because we are fools but because they are good at fooling people. Looking back in the thread I see myself and Heidi continue to encourage you to be kind to yourself, to let go of any self judgement and negative self talk. YEs, there are people in the world who will hurt us or fool us but it is important that your inner voice be one of love and support.
When our core triggers get activated we can revert to negative self talk as a way to motivate ourselves. The truth is, positive self talk is far more effective at motivating ourselves. And, positive self talk is far more effective in helping us feel good about ourselves. Did you know they actually study self compassion these days? They do and there is much research on the subject. There is a professor and a researcher who does a great job at explaining the importance of self compassion. Here is a link to her Ted Talk that I think you might find helpful. Let me know what you think!
Kanya
Hi Carol, I agree that since you just spoke about it, and he did a great job reassuring you, that talking to him about it again might not be the way too ago. Actually, I am getting the feeling that even though he is reassuring you, you aren’t taking it in and letting it stay in. It seems like he says those things but you aren’t letting yourself trust him. That is different than him being trust worthy. From what you are sharing he is clear that any romantic feelings he had for her are gone. He doesn’t seem to want to bring them back. He even sounds a bit disgusted by the thought of being with her in that way. That is a lot of positive information for you yet you don’t seen to be able to hold on to the reassurance for very long.
Here is a question; do you not believe what he is saying or do you not believe you would know when someone is lying to you? Given his on going reassurance, I get the sense that you may have some trust issues with yourself. Do you have the sense that you could be easily fooled? you shared that you don’t feel you are at his level intellectually. Is this part of an overall pattern of not believing in yourself? If so, focusing more on that will be more effective than continuing to ask for his reassurance.
It sounds as though he also reassures you that you are smart and on his level. He even tells you that you know more about some things than he does. Yet, you aren’t taking that in and believing it. Can you tell me more about this pattern of not believing in you? Do you have a sense of where it comes from? Are there things you have done in the past that have helped you feel more confident?
Kanya
Hi Vino, I love that you are feeling positive about your career. That will go a long way to attracting positive opportunities!
In terms of friend zoning other men, I think you have done it to yourself. While you and JB have been talking for almost 4 months now, you’ve never actually met. That is a red flag that you need to keep in mind. Right now there are a lot of hopes and possibilities you re imagining but until the two of you actually spend time together, and get to know each other, you can’t know where things will go.
What if, you started to just open yourself up to being seen and noticed by the men that are around you? Develop some friendships, have friendly conversations, let yourself interact differently? How does it feel to consider doing that?
Kanya
Hi Vino, I really admire the way in which you are handling the job search. You sound calm and confident about that whole thing. AM I reading that accurately?
I think it would be rally fun to do voice overs. I hear that you are thinking about updating your qualifications. Is there work in your area for this? Did you and JB get a meeting on the books? Also wondering if you are interacting with any other men at this time?
Kanya
Hi Michelle, I am so sorry that this is happening. I can hear how sad and frustrated you are. It makes perfect sense. You have an attachment style that makes you want to connect with him when things are out of wack. He has an attachment style that makes him want to distance himself when things are out of wack. Right now he is like a caged animal – in fight or flight mode. If you attempt to contact him he will distance of fight – which is basically what he has been doing. For now, no contact seems to be the best practice. And by that, I mean NO contact. If he gets a package at the house, don’t call him to tell him. Let him figure it out and contact you to arrange to get it. If you have something that he might need for his new home, do not offer to get it give it to him. As Heidi shared, right now he will see all offers and all communication as manipulation. Then, he will be mean to you as a result.
He has demonstrated a keen ability to shut off his emotions and move on. There is something that is emotionally dangerous with this person as he seems incapable of sticking with one relationship. He bounces back and forth, moves in and out of things, and is uncomfortable with what ever gets triggered when he is with one person. You’ve probably been trying to figure him out a bit but maybe we can help you figure out some things. Often our early childhood experiences set the tone for adult relationships. Can you share with me what helped you to become attracted to chaos and distance is a relationship? Also, I agree with Heidi that you need to take responsibility or your actions but also let him take responsibility for his. You are not responsible for his anger and frustration. That is how he is choosing to respond to things, that is his default reaction to stress, not something that you created in him.
Kanya
Hi Zuzana, Wow, he is going to be heart broken for some time. I’m wondering if you are okay just being his friend for awhile while he grieves and works this through? It is important to remember that even though he says he is open etc being friends we don’t really know what that means at this time. And, given his recent discovery my guess is it could take some time before he is ready to open his heart to commit to something on a deeper level. Does that make sense?
I love the steps that Heidi shared. I think they will be highly effective WHEN he is ready to go there. There will also be times when he doesn’t want to talk about it or when he is unreachable because he is in his cage. It probably makes sense to let him lead at this stage as he is feeling so shocked and over whelmed.
For now I would send short messages once a week or so just letting him know that you are there for him. You can call but don’t be surprised if there are times that he isn’t answering or doesn’t respond. Even though they have been separated for several years this might feel really new for him so it could start to look like a recent break up. What are you doing to take care of yourself in all of this? Who is on your support team?
Kanya
Hi NM, Ughhh, unexpected Ex sighting can be so stressful. They can also be good in that it gives us a chance to look at things on a deeper level. You shared something interesting that I’d like to point out. You said that you found it so hurtful that he said his feelings for you had changed. While I can understand that this might be disappointing, can you tell me why you found it hurtful? In many ways I’d rather he be totally honest with you then lead you on but my guess is that in his words you saw or felt some sort of judgment about you or the relationship. Are you open to exploring this further?
Kanya
Hi R, I am so glad you are checking in as we are here to support you! I am sorry that he did not respond. While that is difficult, it does send a clear message that he simply is not ready of available for a relationship. At least you have a clear answer and can let go and move forward. I am really proud of you for writing that letter and letting yourself share your vulnerability. The in and of itself is a win!
So, what are you doing to care for yourself and your heart as you move forward? Who is on your support team helping you at this time?
Kanya
Hi Maria, So glad that you are here. Patience seems to be the way to go even though that might be difficult at times. Actually, it will be difficult at times lol I hear you saying that you want something chill and easy and see where it goes. Is that correct? My sense is this is what chill and easy means to him but I’m not sure if this is what chill and easy means to you? Did you anticipate something changing after you spent the night together a week ago?
In terms of ‘saving it.” For now I would take the pressure off! Sit back and let him initiate the next 2-3 communications. Give him space to miss you and pursue you as that is the best way to get his interest back. And, when he does text don’t be super available to him. May sur you have a lot going on so that you don’t feel as though you are sitting around waiting on him. Make sense?
Kanya
Hi MC, Yay! I love to hear that our members enjoy learning new insights and skills! I’m so happy for you.
It looks like you have a longer posting on another thread which we responded to. I’ll let this one go for now. Thanks!
Kanya
Hi MC, this is still one of my favorites! I’m so glad that you enjoyed it. I’m going to take a minute and watch it again 🙂
Kanya
Hi MC, It is interesting that the two o you are speaking of marriage and yet you have not spent any time with each other outside of video chat and text. Is this common in your culture? I don’t want to step on your feet as this is not common and not really encouraged in our culture. We believe that you need to spend time interacting face to face with someone over a long period of time in order to make the determination of whether someone would be a good partner for you. I do realize that many cultures do it differently and that arranged marriage is also common for some people. Can you hare more about your cultural beliefs? Is this a common situation? IS this how you and your husband started your relationship?
Since you haven’t spent much time together I can see how you might be concerned about some of the things he says. You don’t have day to day experience about what his comments mean. An example is the comment that his aunt and mom are protective of him. The can be interpreted in different ways. It sounds as though you are feeling like they may not like you or approve of you. Rather than assuming the worst case scenario, what if you began to see the positive possibilities? What if this means that they love him and support him? What if that means that they will love and support you as well? The reality is we can’t know for sure but there is no downside to imaging the positive possibilities. Have you thought about asking him for more information about that or other concerning comments? I think that might set your mind at ease!
Kanya
Hi Zuzana, It means that you are willing or open to meeting up for lunch once in awhile. Does that make sense?
Kanya
