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Hi Smith, Thanks for sharing more. I am glad that he was finally transparent with you. I’m wondering how it felt to hear his words and realize that he just isn’t ready? While I am not sure if he is open to being friends, I am wondering how you would feel about stopping the blame game?
It sounds as though you are both hurt by what the there person did. Have you genuinely apologized to him for any behavior that was hurtful? While you had your reasons, it sounds like he may need to see that you get where he is coming from and can own it. Engaging with his ex seems like that was the most upsetting for hi. While you had your reasons, have you apologized and made an effort to understand why it was hurtful to him? Sometimes just listening and owning that you didn’t think about how that would affect him can be just what is needed to let go of the pain. It is probably important for him to know that engaging with his ex is not something you would ever do again. What do you think about what I am sharing?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, I got say- I love cheese sooo much. That is one of the benefits of low carb eating – I a=can eat as much cheese as I like!
It sounds as though things are going really well with your guy! I’m glad to hear that. One difference that I really see is that you aren’t stressed or anxious about things. Even him focusing on studying isn’t bothering. Have you noticed that as well? What do you think has helped you get to this calm, awesomized place?
Kanya
PS: I add an extra egg yolk to my chocolate chip cookie recipe for a more rich flavor and texture!
Hi Zuzana, Sounds like you are in a good space emotionally. What are you doing to support yourself? I’m also wondering if 1 week between communications is enough at this point. A few messages back Heidi suggested that you give him some space and consider having no contact for a month. That would really give him a chance to think about things on his own and a chance to see what his life without you and without pushing you away is like. I’m wondering what this brings up in you when I or Heidi suggest it?
Kanya
Hi Cynthia, wow, this is an interesting though not surprising turn for him. While I am not surprised that he wants back, I am not convinced that he will actually break things off with her and her family. When does he plan of letting her know and taking a step back? You can’t commit to getting back together until he does this and shows, over the course of months, that he is able to ignore her requests to help her and her family. Yes this will take time, maybe even months, to see if he can do this and rebuild trust.
I don’t think that you need or even can, commit to anything at this stage until the trust is rebuilt. As a result, I think that you have the freedom to meet and interact with whomever you like on the cruise. It has been a long time since you just focused on yourself and I would hate to see you loss an opportunity to enjoy yourself, meet new and interesting people, and just focus on having fun.
I don’t know if you need to tell him all of this. Why? Because it might motivate him to make promises that he is not prepared or capable of keeping. And those promises may confuse you and trigger hope that his commitment is stronger than it is. In essence, it gives him the opportunity to manipulate the situation based on promises that are empty until he makes actual changes. At this point you have done an amazing job setting your boundaries and getting clear. Until he actually makes changes and shows you over the course of a few months that he can say no to her, I think you have the freedom to explore life in any way you like. And, you don’t need his permission to do so. I know this might seem like bold statement so I’m wondering what you are thinking about what I’ve shared?
Kanya
Hi Marie, I totally relate to the desire to want an explanation. I too seek those out when ever I have the possibility. The challenge is, we don’t always get an explanation and that is sometimes really difficult to accept. If you check inside your heart, what possible explanations have you come up with?
Kanya
Hi Alexandra, Hi and welcome to the forum! I am so glad that you are reading so much and learning so much. Awesome job!
So, I can understand that this is frustrating and concerning for you. So, did you think of the help you needed and ask him for it? Perhaps the help is to hear his voice and just connect with him. If you go with that it will be important to be positive if he does reach out an respond.
Has he been impatient with your requests lately? Do you get the sense that he really is this busy or do you think something else is going on with him? Also, even though you are not planning to move for some time do you ave a plan to visit or for him to visit you? I just get the sense that the two of you need some face to face time to reconnect if possible. Can you share more?
Kanya
Hi Sarah, Thanks for sharing more! I thing the first thing I want to say is that you are actually not responsible for him and his problems. in reality, he is the only one wo is responsible for himself and his choices. I know this must be difficult for you to watch him approach his life in such a negative manner, especially because you are so talented at helping people in your coaching practice.
As you have worked on yourself have you ever considered that there is a part of you who is trying to fix him and his problems because this is the role you are most comfortable in? When the two of you met 6 years ago, were you a coach? Were you successful? What initially attracted you to someone so different than you? I realize that opposites sometimes attract but it sounds as though you do not share the same priorities and values which can make it difficult to connect o a deep level. Can you share more about what attracts you to him now? What about him do you find interesting?
Kanya
Hi Smith, Welcome for the forum, so glad that you are here. What concerns me is this blaming cycle that keeps happening.I love that you now know the part that you play but I wonder, if you are truly honest with yourself do you think that you could stop participating in that cycle? It would mean letting go of a lot and potentially letting go of feeling heard and understood by him. It seems like in this cycle things that neither or you is sure how to communicate about in order to be heard and understood.
Before you decide if you want to forge a friendship with the intention of it becoming more, can you share more about what the two of you are blaming each other for and any concerns about the behavior continuing if you maintain a friendship?
Kanya
Hi Maria, Thank you for the update! Even though it is hard to realize he isn’t pursuing you, I am glad that you found it out now versus wasting time and energy on him. You sound very strong ad clear which is fabulous (as are you I would imagine?) Is there anything we can do to support you at thing time?
Kanya
Hi Monica, My heart really feels for you. This is such an unusual situation. I imagine it is very confusing and has left you feel unsteady in some ways. I agree that his initial omission of very basic truths is a huge red flag. I have great concerns about what else he might be hiding. And, I am saddened that he was unable to understand that in order to truly be close to someone and build a relationship that each person must be able to be open honest.
I acknowledge you for being so clear on your decision. Know it was not an easy one on some level. Trusting your gut is certainly the right thing to do – in all situations. I’m just sorry that he is unable to know that same trust in himself. I hope you are making taking care of yourself a priority. Who is on your support team as you go through this?
Kanya
Hi, Thanks for sharing more information! It is really helpful. I guess I want to start by saying that I hear conflicting intentions. On the one hand you believe that your healthiest choice is to take a step back and focus on yourself. On the other hand, you want to get the relationship back on track. My guess is your anxiety is related to this relationship ending and not being sure what will follow.
It is interesting, he is demonstrating behavior that is common for a person who is 48 and never married.
You need to know that this is NOT going to change. He has proclaimed himself selfish and I believe that he is. He isn’t sure how to incorporate the needs of another person. He likes his life to be set up in a way that works for him. You have been free to be art of his life but when you want more of your needs addressed he says no. He has not slept at your home in 3 years. Hmmmmm how do you feel about that? Have you expressed the desire to have him be at your home? If so, what has his response been?
I note that you shared that you both have a primary love language of Physical affection but if I read correctly, you often had sex once every month or so. Was that enough connection on your love language to help you feel confident and secure in the connection? For many, that would not be enough and would naturally trigger anxiety and worry. Do you think you can take a step back and focus on yourself without trying to get the relationship back on track?
Kanya
Hi MC, I can totally relate to what you are saying! Sometimes it is difficult to hear the people we love talk about stressful things in their lives without being affected. Let’s take a closer loos and see that about his sharing affects you?
When he talks about his colleague, to any other subject that brings you down, what do you find difficult about it? Is it that you can’t change something that is stressing him out? Is it that when he gets in a bad mood you have a difficult time holding yourself up? Is it that it affects his ability to be positive and fun with you? Really think about it and share about what is getting triggered for you! Then, we can take the next step of shifting your thoughts and feelings in these situations. Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi MC, I will reach out to our office and someone will contact you with more information. Thanks!
Kanya
Hi MC, thanks for weighing in. I agree that a persons values does play a bit role in heart break and unhappiness at times. That is something that we all need to explore in our hearts and determine what our choices will be. It isn’t always easy but it is a way of living that includes integrity and the ability to keep the bigger picture in mind. Thanks again!
Kanya
Hi Michelle, I agree with Heidi in that I think you are doing a great job focusing on yourself. I love how you handled the visit when he came to get his stuff. As you pulled away he came forward but here is my concern-the minute you go towards him I believe he will have another freak out and push you away. That has been his MO for some time. He wants things to be on his terms but those terms make for a small box for you to fit in. He gives you the sense that you are the person who is responsible for how reactions and emotions but really he is responsible for his behavior.
I also question why you would want to go on vacation with him as a friend? I envision that you will want to be your usual caring self and he will get angry at this because he interprets your kindness as control in a weird way. The thing is, you are naturally a kind and giving friend. I’m not sure you could or should change your personality so that he can feel more comfortable. He has big, angry responses to small things and as Heidi shared, this is not going to change.
What if you truly take a break for a few months and get some distance? You are really good at taking responsibility for any upset on his part but it seems that he has the opportunity to do a better job at taking more responsibility for his =behavior and emotional reactions. I know this may not be what you want to hear so I am wondering how you feel about it?
Kanya
