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Hi Sakura, Thank you so cuh for sharing more information. Clearly this is a complicated situation. IT sounds as though he haas stepped outside of many of his relationships in the past. And, it sounds as though you understand that he may do this to you are well. So, let me ask you a question, not because I am judging your decision but because I am curious about it. Wy are you choosing to trust him, knowing everything that you now know? And, what are you trusting will happen if you stay in a relationship with him?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, Good for him! Do you both have something planned for when he is done? Maybe you could plan something fun in support of hi completing such a big milestone?
Kanya
Hi MC, I am so excited to hear that Heidi’s words inspired you (Not surprising, as Heidi is awesome!) This ability to hold with someone, encourage, and reframe is so important in life. You may even know others with whom you can use this new skill! Please keep us posted and let us know how things go when you get to use this new approach!
Kanya
Hi Sakura, Welcome to the forum, we are so glad that you are here. Wow, this is a complicated situation. I do not thing you are a terrible person to try to make this work. Is it hurting other people? It might be hurting the woman he was dating but regarding your coworkers who now know, it really isn’t and of there business. What you do with your life is up to you and you don’t need to ask for anyone’s permission.
I can really understand how and why you would like things to move forward with your guy. It sounds as though the two of you have a sweet connection and you are h oping that this will continue. I wonder if all of this feels unreal to you? It must have been rather chocking when you found out about his relationship with this there person. How long ago did you become aware of the situation? What process did you go through to decide to stay?
You certainly know him more than I do but I am wondering if what he shared with you about the situation seems believable to you? It sounds as though they were together for a period of time while he was in a relationship with you. DO you know how much overlap time there was? Overall, do you find what he shared with you believable?
I do think you are absolutely allowed to e happy with him but I just wonder if he has been totally honest. And, I wonder if he has done something like this in the past. And, I worry that he might do something like this in the future. How much do you know about his past relationships and how he entered and exited them? If you really look deep within do you trust him?
Kanya
Hi Lalia, I would imagine that this is a really difficult decision to make. I wonder if you were to take a step back and refocus on yourself, your perception of things might change a bit. Since the two of you started to date have you ever been the one who initiates a pause or break for a few weeks or months. I’ll leave you with 3 questions to consider:
What would you need to change to take a 1 month no contact break?
How difficult would it be on a scale of 1-10?
How willing are you to make these changes?Kanya
Hi Roxanne, I love how much you are giving to this. And, you are getting great results.
It is interesting that your instinct is to pull back a bit and be less available yet you are questioning it. It is possible to pull back because you are playing games but, it is also possible to pull back because your intuition is telling you that a little space between the two of you would be beneficial. This is the dance in a relationship that is important to understand; the importance of both closeness and space. Each couple has a different need for closeness and space and it is important to find out what that will look like for the two of you. If your intuition is telling you to take space, why not try it and see how that works. What does your intuition say about the type of space that would be good for you both at this time?
Kanya
Hi NM, I really get how difficult this has been. I remember being in a similar space and it felt like I wauld never get past the pain – but I did! Can you imagine getting past the pain? Are you ready to do what ever it takes to feel good about you again? Is it time for you to move on, let go, and really embrace your life without this guy?
If so, what are you ready to do to move on?
Kanya
Hi Eva, Welcome to the forum. I am so glad that you are here! Wow, what a confusing and frustrating situation. You have really been waiting a long time for him to decide. I can’t imagine how difficult this has been for you. FOrst, how are you doing? How are you sleeping, working, just functioning in general? DO you have a support team? It sounds like your close friends know which I hope is helpful. It also sounds like your kids no but your parents don’t. How are you managing not telling them? And, how are you managing with supporting your kids?
As I read your words I was really struck with something. Have you noticed that he is getting everything he wants? He is living with his girlfriend. He sees the kids each day, hangs out at the house, eats soup, had dinner as a family when he wants. He has the bet of both worlds. Why would he EVER want to change that? When was the last time YOU got everything you wanted? It’s probably been a long time.
So, you’re wondering how to make him choose and I can totally understand why – this isn’t a really workable solution for anyone but him. While you can’t make him choose you, you have a lot on your side. I think it may be time to start setting some boundaries with him. Worst, as long as he is living with someone else and sleeping with someone else, he hasn’t earner the privledge of sleeping with you. Period. You realize that he is now cheating on his girlfriend with his partner?
I think it is great that he wants to pick u the kids each day but he doesn’t have to hang out, run, and eat soup. You can tell him that you really want things to work out, that you realize that there is so much potential if you two reconcile, but for now it’s just too painful to have him around so much. I am not suggesting you make an ultimatum or try to force his hand. Instead, figure out what boundaries work for you and set them. You can still be fun and kind and set boundaries. What do you think about taking that approach?
Kanya
Hi Smith, I can understand why you are not sure where to go from here. I acknowledge you for your self reflection and willingness to apologize in a real way for over stepping the boundary when talking to his ex. You mentioned that he has the belief that you are bold (!) and that he believes you have little regard for boundaries. If you agree and would like to explore that with us, late us know!
While he is interested in dating someone, that doesn’t mean he is open to have a relationship with that person. Things may move forward with that person or a few months and then he could do the same thing to her and probably will until he has the emotional energy to actually participate in a relationship in a real way.
Are you able to just focusing on a friendship at this time. Would it be difficult to actually be his friend without focusing on things developing into more? I know that you were hoping for more, and investing in more. I am wondering if being in the friend zone would actually be frustrating and unsatisfying?
Kanya
Hi Sally, Welcome to the forum. It would be really helpful to know more about your situation. How long have the two of you been dating? Are you exclusive. Did you have an agreement that you would talk that day or actually get together? Is this something that has occur in the past.
I think that stepping back and allowing him to lead is important though I can’t say if this will result in him contacting you s I just don’t have enough information to speculate. Would you mind starting a septette thread, copying your original question as well as my response, and adding some more information? The more you can share the better equipped we are to provide guidance! We’re looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Vino, I can understand wanting the tears to flow when they aren’t there. Often it does take time for the feelings to rise to the surface – especially when they are complex in nature. I would encourage you to keep making room for those years because eventually they will flow. I have found that it is difficult to grieve when I am stressed out or something big i my life needs my attention. My guess is that as you find a new position and settle in to your new life, you may feel the tears and sadness more directly. Grieving is just part of life and I know that you will make time for that when it is present.
In terms of JB, of course you are losing interest! He isn’t doing anything to keep things moving along. I’m sure you will know when it is time to move on.
In hearing how you speak about your AGM I am reminded of how we feel when we have a crush on someone. Having a crush is very different than having a relationship and being in love for the long haul. Crushes are about seeing the person in an almost 100% positive light. WE romanticize that person and have a difficult time seeing them realistically. Falling in love with someone is an entirely different thing. We absolutely see the imperfections in someone. I would argue that seeing these imperfection, accepting them and even learning to love them is the basis of true love. When we love it isn’t just the pretty things, the smart things, the fun things that we love about a person. We also love their imperfections, their faults, the humanness.
So, when I hear you talk about your AGM I hear about a seemingly perfect person. Boy, wouldn’t it be easy to be in love with someone who was the easy to love! What if, instead of looking for that type of person, you looked for someone who was more human? The person who was awkward in some ways? The person who occasionally said the wrong thing? Laughed too hard at their own jokes, etc? I get that you have a lot on your mind and plate right now but when you are ready for love, I encourage you to be open to someone with some imperfections.
Kanya
HI Debra, Welcome to the forum. I am soiled you are here. This is a confusing situation you are dealing with. First, I acknowledge you for saying no to something that you were not ready for. That takes a lot of courage and conviction. And, if you are dating someone you like and he can’t tolerate having this type of conversation, that is a huge red flag. Even if what you were suggesting was different than what he thought was necessary, he could have had an open conversation about it and the two of you could have figured out what worked. So frustrating that he was not able to do this. The thing is, if he can’ have a difficult conversation now then he probably won’t be able to have a difficult conversation later. It takes a lot of maturity to be real with each other. I just get the sense that he isn’t that guy.
While it is impossible to know if things would have progressed differently if you had suggested just using a condom, you can take this situation and learn from it. You can decide now what you are comfortable with going forward. Are you okay using a condom until you can each get tested. Using a condom is pretty common these days for just this reason. Would you prefer waiting to have sex until you are both tested? Either way, it is your choice. You get to determine what you are comfortable with.
One thing that life has taught me is that regret is an option. Meaning, you can choose to regret something or you can trust you made the right decision. I know this is a lot so I’m curious what you think about what I am sharing?
Kanya
Hi, Welcome to the forum, we’re so glad that you are here!
I’m sorry that this is occurring. It sounds as though this may have b=felt like a bit of a roller coaster for some time. That can be so exhausted and I really feel for you. Can you describe some of the positive aspects of the relationship? Overall would you both describe it as a happy relationship?
So you broke up 2 months ago and now he is selling everything and moving to CA. Hmmmm. That is a red flag for me. That person is a possible rebound yet he is uprooting his life to move. Is he someone who has acted impetuously in the past? If so, did things tend to work out when he did so.
How long were the two of you engaged in the back and forth about cheating? WAs it the whole relationship, the last year, just a few months? Also, what made him believe you were cheating and vise versa. Did either of you actually cheat and was the the thing that started the distrust? If you got back together and he was the exact same person would you be happy with him? Sorry for all of the questions. I’m just trying to get a better sense of what has and is occurring. Can you share more about the past and current situation? Are you still talking, spending time together? Are you still living together even though you are broken up? I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Maria, It sounds like maybe he wasn’t ready for more, maybe he doesn’t know how to be patient and go about building something? Indeed, he may pop up again in the future but be careful about how you proceed as he may be in the same place and still not ready to invest. In the mean time, please take good care of your awesome self!
Kanya
