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Hi Dikara, Welcome, we are really glad that you are here. you describe a common pairing of people; a distant man and an enchanted woman. There is often something inside of us that feels a challenge to win over the man who is distant. There is a bit of a a fairy tale noting that if a man loves us enough (ie we are more lovable than others) then his personality will actually change and he will become enchanted with us. In my experience, this is not what occurs. What occurs is that women spend a lot of time and effort chasing a man who will always give them crumbs, not real love.
You wonder why he always agrees to sex when there is o strings and expectations-that is common with men in particular. Men will always take no attachment sex. That is just a reality. It is not a sign that he wants more or can give you more. Let me ask you a question: when he recently told you that you were beautiful inside and out, was it a prelude to sex or connecting sexually? You note that you don’t have a lot in common. In my experience, having things in common is equally important to being i love with someone. Chemistry is going to wax and wain but commonality will get you through difficult times.
He knows what he needs to do to keep you on the hook. Have you ever noted that just when you start to get over him or get interested in someone else he magically texts you? What percentage of his communication is actually confusing or contradictory? Even if he is ‘crazy’ for you, he is not capable to maintaining let alone building a relationship. This is an addiction for you. How do you get over an addiction – stop the behavior, cold turkey, and don’t look back. Have you tried this in the past? If so, what draws you back to him?
Kanya
Hi Lau, Welcome to the forum, we are really glad that you are here. I am sorry that you are going through this and really understand your confusion and frustration. From what you are sharing, he was not really treating this as a relationship but more of a hanging out situation, would you agree? Did the two of you celebrate other anniversaries? Did you talk about the future? Did he call you his girlfriend? I know it is hard to think about but do you believe that he was actually committed to having a relationship?
I totally understand why you would want to give him the anniversary gift. I don’t think there is a right or wrong option here. But, I do think there is a good chance that you will get a cold and negative response from him if you do so.He seems to be really shut down and simply sharing negativity with you as a way to distance. Do you think you can give him a gift and not feel hurt if he is cold to you? I know it is difficult but this person doesn’t really seem able to have an open relationship and has a history or shutting you out when he is angry.
I also note that he is hiding a lot of his life. He is hiding that he is doing insurance, he hide his relationship with you. My guess is there are other things that he is hiding and that may include dating other women. Have you ever gotten the vibe that he was seeing anyone else?
Kanya
Hi Cynthia, When you say he is with her do you mean he is communicating with her? She is still in the UK right?
Kanya
Hi Lau, Welcome to the Forum. It sounds like it is a really good time for you to be here!
Can you tell me a bit more? It sounds like the two of you have been dating for a year, correct? I that year, was he a good communicator? When something bothered him did the two of you talk about it and find a resolution? Did something happen recently that led to the break up? You mentioned that he said you invaded his privacy but that it wasn’t on purpose. Can you tell me what occurred?
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, Ughhh. It must be so difficult to start over as much as you too. I really am in awe that you re able to do so over and over again. I am surprised that this is not more options for physical activity. I wonder if, over time, you could start a hiking or kayaking group. How far would you need to travel to kayak? Maybe you could set up some weekend tripes eventually.
Right ow work sounds really full. Is there anyone at work that you could see yourself hanging out with? I remember that you have been involved church activities at different locations. Is this something you have found in your new home?
Kanya
HI Vino, I am sorry that you still aren’t feeling like yourself. I know how hard that can be. I love that you are slowing down and attending to yourself though. Yes, it is really important that we learn to love and nurture ourselves. I often wait until something hurts to do that but I am leaning that preemptive self love and support is far better for me in the long run.
I can understand your desire to maintain contact with JB – especially because you are stuck at home and this is a very easy and convenient way to connect. But I do caution you here. If you want to be his friend great, but I am hearing mixed things here. I hear that you want to be his friend but I also hear that you are attracted to him and the more the lawyer pushed to meet you the ore you reconnected to the thought of JB. I get that now if not the best time for you to meet someone new. You are getting your own life in order and figuring out what is next with you. That needs to be your priority. But, one that is down and you are ready, please let yourself push out of your comfort zone to meet different men – actually meet them in person! Spending time with someone is the only way to know if he is a good match for you. Being pen pals opens the door to a lot of interpretation about who someone is and how you would be together. Even though it is scary, I think that once your life is more settled you will be prepared to actually get out there and meet the men that you are communicating with! For now, what are your next steps to feeling better?
Kanya
Hi Carol, It sounds like the move is complete but was stressful which is understandable. I am sorry that he can’t be the kind of guy who can initiate more and help more. I can understand your frustration. In some ways he tells you to be direct with what you want yet when you are he still gives you a hard time about your requisition. I noticing that his responses to his ex are similar to his responses to you are time. Even just asking for support often gets a response like “You don’t get to tell me what to do.” These may not be his exact words but this is often the message he is sending.
I took some time to read back through the message thread and I remembered the you took the time to identify the 5 Goals you want in a partner.I added them here so that you could reconnect with these goals:
5 goals I want from my partner
1. Willingness to stay & make things work even when things get rough.
2. Willingness to talk about & listen to each others’ thought and feeling, one who can talk about everything and anything, advices, comforts, silly jokes, filthy jokes, without having to worry what impression we may have.
3. Encourage me to pursue my dream, support me and back me up, willingness to grow together in different aspects, want us to take course together and learn different hobbies.
4. I want to meet his friends, his family, and travel together in the next 12 months.
5. (long term goal) I want someone who values me, who can always see the best in me and will defend me in front of others because he see my true self and knows me well enough.Also, you first messaged in July and shared that the two of you have broken up in February 2019 and were trying to sort things out. As this was just over a year ago, I thought I would check in and see if things are moving in the direction you would like them to move? The reason I ask is because sometimes we can become accustomed to being in the ‘we’re working it out phase’ and are not aware that time is passing. We can start to really focus on what the other needs to change or the ways they need to grow. Thinking about a relationship is different than having a relationship. Is he there for you? Is he able to support you, show up for you, be there for you? Does he have the qualities listed in those 5 goals? LEt’s check in and see how YOU are with all of this.
Kanya
Hi W, Welcome to the forum. We are so glad that you are here!
Given his lack of response, I would find someone else to talk to about your travel plans. While he is not expressing himself in words, his lack or words are telling you that he does not want to interact at this time. It is hard to know why at this time but it is clear that he really is not in a space to talk. He actually said that he doesn’t think he is ready to talk. Going in to a conversation with the intention of avoiding the topic of your relationship is probably unrealistic. For now, refocus on you. I find it interesting that you are waiting for him to tell you where the relationship is or is not going. What do you want? DO you want this to continue in a better form or do you want this to end. If you want to continue then I would take his lead and give him some time. I also sense that you need more time to learn to support yourself and feel good about yourself. In your small bit of communication with him that you shared I still get the sense that you are wanting him to provide reassurance on a level deeper than he can. I don’t think it is a conscious thing that you are doing, I just think it is a habit.
For instance, your decision to travel at this time. What are the officials saying where you live? I am in the US and it is clear that they are discouraging travel at this time. Schools are shut down in my state and some states seem to be moving to a massive shut down of services while encouraging people to stay inside as much as possible. Given what they are saying were you live, are YOU comfortable traveling at this time? Is your employer in touch with the local and national recommendations? The only issue in this decision should be to keep you safe! So, what are you wanting to do?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, A month-arggggg. Well, It is now Wednesday so he is done with the final test. Now you can get back to having fun and reconnecting. Enjoy!
Kanya
Hi Emilie, A month-arggggg. Well, It is now Wednesday so he is done with the final test. Now you can get back to having fun and reconnecting. Enjoy!
Kanya
Hi Sankura, Thanks for the response. I can see that you have really thought about this and have make the decision to stay with him, come what may. Perhaps now is a good time to get clear on what the line is that is uncrossable. Are you really okay if he is sleeping with other woman? IF so, are there any limitations or boundaries that you want to put in place? Have the two of you talked about what your relationship will look like when you have actually divorced? Right now he has a lot of free time to do with as he wishes. What are you hoping the relationship will look like once you are free? Does he have a shared vision?
Kanya
Hi Faith, Welcome to the forum, we are glad that you are here! I agree, this is a complicated relationship. Wanting to live on his own seems like the first mature thing I have heard about this person. He appears to have no self control and it is a concern that he moves in with women as soon as he starts to date. That is a big red flag as he appears unable to live on his own. This means that when things get difficult with one woman, he simply leaves and moves in with another. That has, and will continue to lead to a lot of confusing behavior.
I get that this is scary, the thought of him moving out and suddenly having so much freedom. What if he chooses to sleep with someone else? What if he chooses to end the relationship and be with someone else. The reality is, you are already living with these fears. I would imagine that every time he goes to work or goes out with his friend you worry. So the fears are already there.
There seems to be a lot of high reactions in this relationship from both of you. Does that make sense to you? What if, instead of fighting it, you embraced this time and space? Can you see that there is benefit for you in this as well? You could have space to become more confident and clear about what you want and the areas within yourself that you want to grow and evolve. You could determine if this person is someone you actually trust to be in a relationship with. YEs, you love him but love is just one of many important pieces that must be present for a relationship to work. Trust is vital and right now it sounds as though trust has been broken in a big way.
If you put the fears aside, can you see the value in having some space? Can you see why it is vital for him to know how to live on his own so that he can make decisions about relationships in a more mature and responsible manner?
Kanya
That sounds like a great plan. You both will have plenty of time for fun when this is complete. Fingers crossed! And, it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job supporting him through a stressful time. Keep us posted.
Kanya
Hi Roxanne, Good for you for having a conversation with his. That is a great step in forming a solid relationship. You shared that you had a great weekend. Do you think that you are bored as in uninterested or are you bored because thing are going smoothly? Have your past relationships been calm or has there been drama in some form or another?
Also, what do you think of the notion that you could become more comfortable being treated in a kind, loving way? What about being treated in that way is uncomfortable for you?
Kanya
