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Hi Karen, I am so glad that you shared more with us. I am sorry that your parents were the way they were. It sounds like they had a difficult time being affectionate and sweet with you. While I understand why you would growing up doubting your value, as an adult now is the time to update those beliefs about yourself. I’m wondering, have you ever gone to see a therapist? Most therapists are working on line and virtually through this crisis so you can start to work with someone now, for home!
What you describe in terms of healing will take some time but I gave seen many woman heal in this way and create a strong and solid self esteem. You can learn to change how your see yourself and you ca learn how to love yourself unconditionally. I see you looking to the men in your life to fill you up and make you feel valuable. We cannot get that from others, we need to get that from ourselves first. Then, the love of a good man is the icing on the cake.
For now, I would focus on you and on learning to love yourself and value yourself. Until that is solid, dating or trying to build something with someone else is just distraction. Your focus is you and then, after you heal and are seeing yourself more clearly, then you can make clear decisions about a relationship. From this vantage point you can’t decide about your marriage and you can’t decide about a new relationship. I promise it will be easier to find a good man when you are feeling more whole.
When you start to think about this guy, sit down and make a list of the qualities you are looking for in a man and a relationship. Focus on loving yourself and getting your life in order. Then it will be time or a relationship! Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Emile, It seems like for now he won’t be upgrading his phone since he isn’t supposed to be going out. It seems like you are feeling like he is a little distant these days. Do you know if he is worrying about his parents? Is he maybe worrying about going to work. This is definitely a stressful time for everyone!
I think giving him space is a good idea for a few days. Let’s see if he responds to that. How are you supporting yourself through this difficult time?
Kanya
Lau, I just need to say that I think you deserve so much more than what he is giving you. Just out of curiosity, have you had other relationship with men who were there for you, who were caring and supportive?
Kanya
Hi Ayeisha, I totally understand why you are over it. It seems like he has so much to figure out, and it is taking a long time for him to do that. The fact that you are saying enough is such a good sign of your commitment to yourself and being supportive of you. You are saying no to being treated in a way that is respectful, open, and transparent. He can’t do the at this point. And, if he is spending this much time with someone else and saying it is just about friendship, he seems to be in a high level of denial with himself. To me, self denial is a dangerous thing because we can all begin to rationalize unconscious and irresponsible behavior.
Now that you have gotten clear, what are you doing to support yourself? Do you have a support team to help you move through this and rebuild. Finally, how can we support you through this?
Kanya
Lau, I am so sorry that he is treating you this way. It is hurtful, confusing, and even humiliating. The thing is, you cannot stop him from initiating this behavior. You cannot change who he is or how he is treating you. The only power you have at this point is to block him and stop interacting with him.
He literally told you that if you don’t just give him sex, he will never give you more of what you want. So what happened? You went to see him, had sex with you, and then asked you to leave. That is a terrible thing for you to have to go through. Your only power is face what this has become. Accept the way that he has been treating you. Accept that he will continue to do so and stop all interactions with him.
Heidi and I and been saying that all you have is the ability to take a step back and stop responding to hims ridiculous demands to come to him, have sex, and leave. I am so sorry that this is happening and I can understand why it would be difficult to accept. But, it is happen, you do need to accept it, and his behavior will only get worse and more degrading. You have the power to stop it now. He is not coming back. He will not be your boyfriend again. He has moved to a place of such disrespect that it is impossible to come back into a loving and respectful relationship. It is time to block him, gtieve, and move forward. I know it is difficult to accept but it is the only option that is left. You do not deserve to be treated this way but only you can stop it. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, As I was reading back through the messages I noted how different the world is now compared to just 2 weeks ago. It is such a strange and unprecedented time. I totally support you in doing more on line activities to stay connected. I love that you are joining your bible study even if it is just for part of it as it is important for you, for everyone, to adapt to new ways of connecting. Are there any people in that group that you would like to meet with more often? PERhaps you could approach a hand full of acquaintances in that group and do a virtual meeting on the weekend at a time that is more convenient for everyone. Some platforms that I have used are FaceTime, Zoom, and Microsoft Teams. I suggest you also reach out to some friends and schedule some face to face social time.
I know you like out door activities, you could connect on line with friends who can’t get out doors and talk about things you have done in the past. You can create a book club that meets on line and read books about adventurers or even watch films or documentaries and then meet virtually to discuss. Each year I go to the Banff Film Festival which features sports and adventure films. It is a lot of fun and while we can’t go out to view films right now, maybe you and some of your adventurer friends could watch movies together from home and them discuss? Here is a link to the film festival site:
https://www.banffcentre.ca/banff-mountain-film-book-festival
This situation is challenging all of us to be creative and use our ingenuity to stay connected. If you think about it, what things do you think you could initiate virtually even if you need to move outside of your comfort zone?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, France seems about a week ahead of the US in terms of self quarantine and restrictions. It is indeed a scary time and I agree that his is going to last a lot longer than we realize. That being said, finding ways to connect with your guy will be important. A lot of my clients are using FaceTime, Zoom, or Skype to connect with their family and friends. Being able to see the face of someone you love is far more comforting in these times than just texting or hearing their voice. Do you think you and you guys cold set up some time to do that. You don’t even have to talk the whole time, you can each be in your space just connecting and checking in. Have the two of you considered this?
Kanya
Hi Lau, I think that you should continue to take a step back. If he is just seeing emoji’s, you don’t need to respond to them. Maybe respond to every second or third one with an emoji. Don’t seek him out at work, let him initiate with you directly. Coming to your desk and initiating a conversation is something he needs to do more of.
I can understand why you’re confused because he is giving you so many mixed signals. Like Heidi says, he needs to work harder before you really reconnect. He isn’t trustworthy at this stage because he isn’t consistent. He needs to work harder for you to appreciate you and continue to work hard. So, keep distance, don’t initiate with him, when he initiates, respond inconsistently and briefly.
Kanya
Hi Ayeisha, Welcome! WE’re so glad that you are o the forum. I am glad that we are here to support you. Thanks you for sharing so much helpful information. I just have a few questions;
How long have the two of you been dating?
How frequently do you see each other these days?
How frequently does he spend time with his female friend?
When the two of you are together, is he present, caring, and supportive of you?I am glad that you have a male friend whom you are close to because you understand what that type of relationship is like. Have you spent time with his female friend and gotten to know her? If not, have you considered that? In doing so, then the two of you become friends with her. It also gives him the chance to hang out with his two favorite gals which I think would be positive. Also have you met each others family and friends? Are you both on board with saying you are i a relationship to others?
I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Tai, Welcome to the Forum, we are so glad that you are here! It sounds like this is confusing response from him which I understand. It is confusing. When we meet someone and feel a strong connection it is easy to see our lives unfolding with them. It sounds like you felt this way with this man. While we all love that feeling of hope and possibility when we meet someone, we need to temper out hearts desire with some rational thinking as well. As you put it so perfectly above, your mind is telling you to give up but your heart does not want to.
In looking at the time line, a lot seemed to happen in the first week; you started to talk, things were going well, and by the end of the week he was already questioning you about whether or not you were committed to him or still talking to others. It sounds ike that felt off to you at the time. It made you frustrated, misunderstood, and angry. I can understand why. He seemed to have expectations that you had not talked about. Then, the two of you had to figure out how to navigate some conflict just a week into things. That is a lot for any two people to do. IT was too soon for things to be so heavy. I wonder if you were feeling that as well.
It sounds like after that, the magic of the connection seemed to fade quickly. The truth is, magic will fade in any relationship as we get to actually know who someone is. That is really normal. The hope is that you have more time and more investment in the relationship before that occurs because time and investment help you get through the difficult times. Since this was so new and the two of you had never actually met nor gotten to know each other, there was no foundation. AS a result, the initial conflict or misunderstanding made a big impact.
We all have insecurities and imperfections that we bring to a relationship. That is normal and we will all need to learn to work with them. I wonder if this just felt like too much to work with too soon? What do you think?
In terms of getting things back on track, he seems to be moving on. Given that you really just met him and don’t really know him, why do you think it is so difficult to let go? Remember, you haven’t really invested or built anything yet. Why work so hard on something so new?
Kanya
Hi Lau, Just wanted to check in and see what you think about what I shared in my last message regarding learning how to love and support yourself? For now, I would give it some time before responding. Maybe a day or so?
Kanya
Hi Lau, I hope your grandfather is doing better.
Of course you miss him. You are going to continue to miss him for awhile. The feelings you are having are normal in a break up situation. But, having those feelings is not a reason to reach out to him. Right now your focus needs to be learning how to love and support yourself when you are feeling hurt and alone. He cannot give that to you right now. Yes, that sucks but it is true. The more you try to get emotional comfort form him the more he will push you away.
What has comforted you and helped you through break ups in the past?
Kanya
Hi Maria, Just so you know, there is no such thing as too many words around here! We are here to support you and help you. It sounds that as you wrote you got more and more clear which is one of the great benefits of writing and getting your thoughts and feelings out! I agree with you on several points. Worst, I think he does need to get his act together. I think his drinking and socializing is a sign that he is running from deeper feelings which he is uncomfortable with. He clearly is using alcohol excessively and that is going to affect his mood as well as his confidence. He needs to face the feelings he has when he is at home, alone and sober, and learn to process them. This is what will help him get clarity and hopefully help him make decisions that will support himself more effectively.
Given all of that, are you in a place where you can accept that the two of you are taking a break? It sounds as though you initiated that conversations from a place of strength and clarity. It is normal to doubt that when you become lonely or begin to miss someone. It also sounds like you realize this is an important step. Is there something you have been wanting to do, a project you have wanted to tackle that you can focus on in the next month or so. I think it is important to see if he is actually capable of self reflection and change. You almost need to see this before you can determine if the relationship is salvageable. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Lau, It seems like the more you try to connect with him the harder he pushes you away – would you agree? What if you changed your behavior and started a period of no contact for several weeks? Give him some time to cool down and notice that you aren’t initiating anymore. This has the potential for an effective response and opening up from him. He seems to need time to process what is going on for him.
Have yo considered why you looked in his brief case in the first place? That seems like an important boundary that was crossed. Were you able to understand this and share a authentic and understanding apology?
Kanya
Hi Maria, I can hear how much thought you are putting into figuring this out. While that is normal, I am not sure you will ever have all the answers you would like. There are a lot of factors present here that are at play. The fact that the two of you are recently divorced, the distance between the two of you, both being happy with your lives and having an understandably difficult time figuring out how to move, wanting to be together but being limited to do so.
It sounds like on one hand he is enjoying being single after his divorce and this is highly normal. It is actually good to take time after a divorce to be single and have fun without any commitment. Add to that the fact that he feels bad about wanting his freedom, feels like he is disappointing you. I think he is actually being smart and supporting himself in taking a break. He realizes he needs to get clear on what he wants and what he can give as living this way is just too painful for him. That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care for you, he does, he just needs to figure some things out.
I’m curious, did the two of you agree to talk to each other every night? Is that why his going out late was an issue? Were you each open to creating a different agreement or to being more realistic with your expectations? Why he was out with his friends, was drinking and missed a call, how you you respond? Did you take this as a sign that he didn’t care for you and/or wasn’t taking things seriously? Also can you tell me your ages?
Kanya
Kanya
