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Hi Kersten, Welcome to the forum, we’re glad that you are here! I understand why you are feeling vulnerable and more ‘needy’ at this time given everything that is happening in the world.
If you could share more details about the conversation that upset him that would be helpful. Also, can you share why he thought you may be ‘blowing up his phone?’ Was that the vulnerable side trying to get him to reconnect by texting him repeatedly? It can feel really scary to go from feeling connected to someone to feeling disconnected so abruptly. I think all tend to want to get things back on track quickly. My guess is he was needing more time to process or just sort through what he was feeling.
I am aware that this was your first disagreement so there is still a lot to learn about each other. How long were you communicating before he came to see you? For now, I would not try to communicate with him as he is giving you clear signals that he needs space.
Who is on your support team right now as we move through these difficult times? Are you face timing friends, playing games with them online, etc? Where are you getting your social connections these days? This is vital as you want to get filled up from your connections with friends and family at this time to alleviate any sense of pressure he might be feeling. I’m looking forward to hearing back from you?
Kanya
Hi Li L, I really think that is a great attitude to have. Have you spoken to him about your intention to maintain a friendship and if so, how did the conversation go?
Kanya
Hi Yanina, It seems like the two of you are not on the same page. Did the two of you talk about being back together or was it assumed? There is so much going on in the world right now, a lot of things are on hold. For now, I think that it is a good idea to take a step back. Give him time to miss you and reach out to you.
Kanya
Hi Tai, So glad that you are on the forum, welcome. Given the description of the type of man that you like, I think it might be helpful to find an organization for men who are from you country but were educated in the US or are from the US but have relocated. I would start by trying to find some alumni programs in your are for American Universities. What school did you go to in Boston? Is there an alumni group that occasionally meets up in your area? If not, can you contact the school you studied at and work with them to start an alumni group? Are there schools that young people in our are are more drawn to in the US? You could reach out to those schools and see if any local alumni groups exist.
I also suggest you consider what type of online sites you are on. In the US, Tinder is known as a hook up site meaning that people often connect for casual interactions that don’t often turn in to something deeper. Does it have the same reputation in Taiwan? Are there any other sits that you know of that provide more serious prospects?
Kanya
Hi Yanina, I love that he offered to teach you how to cook the shrimp. Instead of doing it over the phone, what if you FaceTime, Zoom or use another video platforms that the two of you could see each other as he teaches you? I myself am Zooming happy hours and book clubs with friends and families these days and it is really fun and easy. I think that being able to see each others faces, smiles, laughter, etc will help you feel more connected. Have you tried to use any video platforms during the lock down?
Kanya
Hi UL, I really acknowledge you for how you are accepting where you both are at. I agree, give his schedule it is difficult to know how often you will hear from him. His school life, and soon his work life, will consume him for many years to come. In addition to letting him know that you really are ope not just being friends, maybe sending him a text once a month or so would be helpful to keep him engaged. Something sort and sweet, a funny meme, a link to an article about something that interests him may be helpful.
The reality is, you will need to step into the unknown here and see if the two of you have the time and are motivated enough to develop a friendship. How are you doing with all of this?
Kanya
Hi Lau, please keep focusing on making yourself stronger emotionally. It is important that we all become strong enough to stay balanced even when someone we care about it upset with us or needs space!
Kanya
Hi Emilie, I am so glad to hear that you older family members, and his, are doing well. It is a really scary time for everyone. And, most people are struggling with so many different feelings. I read a great article the other day the I found really helpful. Here is the link:
Kanya
Hi Rhona, It is really frustrating to look at this global situation and wonder why things were not handled differently. I’m not sure anything would have felt like ‘enough.’ Your description of being numb and robotic seems to be a sign of significant burn out and it sounds like you can trace it to years of over work. While we all go through this at times, you have been going, going, going for so many years it sounds like it is difficult to get your energy back. Given that, it is going to take a long time of slowing down and making time for yourself to get your mojo back. I know it is really difficult to find that time but given that you are now working from home, what can you do every day to start to fill up your tank?
Kanya
Hi Lau, I think it means that he is not over what was upsetting you and that he will continue to treat you in this way. I’m wondering what you think it means?
Kanya
Hi Micaela, I started a new thread so that we can separate the conversation from Karen’s question! I it titled “How to Get Back the Man I Love.”
Take a look at my response and respond at your leisure. I am looking forward to hearing back from you.
Kanya
Hi Yanina, I am so glad to hear that he is open to communicating again-this is really fabulous!
When you see him, act as you would if you were spending time and with someone you really like and want to make a good impression with. Be kind, flirty, and funny. Share with him that you are so happy and grateful, the word tickled comes to mind, that he made tome to help you. Let things evolve naturally. My guess is that thing will progress. He clearly wants to reconnect. The two of you will figure out how to do that in the moment! When he is coming over?
Kanya
Hi, I love that you can communicate in this way! I think it is a benefit, not a negative! Look, there are a lot of nuances in life. Yes, we need to focus on being there for ourselves, being happy, feeling confident. Yes, the people in our lives have the ability to affect our self esteem in both positive and negative ways. For now, he seems to be wanting some time for himself. Does this also mean that he is working on himself? If so, that is a good thing for both of you.
You posed a good question about him putting effort into things that are difficult. I don’t think he is lazy, I think he has a difficult time tolerating his own imperfections. It sets off alarm bells inside of him and he starts to give up because he feels like he is, and will continue to fail. That really is about self esteem. We all have to be willing to have realistic expectations and be able to make mistakes and come up with Plan B at times!
I do wonder, when you mention a “normal amount of negativity or unhappiness,” were you talking about him having these feelings you you having these feelings towards him? Do you think he ever felt that you were disappointed in him? If so, how did you communicate that disappointment?
Kanya
Hi NM, I am glad to hear that you are strengthening your immune system and focusing on more positive thoughts. I don’t know how she could have found you unless she simply saw you on someone else social media. Is there anything out there that connects you to that guy that she might have seen? Have you decided to block her?
Kanya
Hi Yanina, Welcome to the forum, U am so glad that you are here! I’m worry about you and your boyfriend? I’m wondering if this is a way that the two of you had dealt with conflict in the past. Do you send to take a break when you argue or disagree with each other? I hear that you shared your feelings with him about what was bothering you. Do you think his feelings were g=hurt in some way? Is he upset about something? If so, have you considered apologizing as a way to break the ice?
What did you ask him to do for you? Can you casually text him and suggest a time or two and see if he responds? For now, don’t say anything about the relationship or working things out. Just focus on seeing him when he does something for you.
Kanya
