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Hi Emilie, How wonderful that the two of you laugh and have fun when you talk. That says a lot about the nature of your relationship. A lot of couples are having difficulty connecting and staying positive during this time. I hope the two of you give yourself credit for the type of relationship you are creating.
People in American have started to make their own masks out of fabric. It is actually nice to see the differences and creative touch people are bringing to the situation. And, many people are making masks and taking them to health care workers. I saw something on the news last night where a company is using 3D printers to make mask shields for doctors. It is really cool and inspiring to see how this is bringing people together and encouraging ingenuity!
What are you doing these days to pass the time?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, Happy Easter! It is so interesting to compare stories from Paris to the US. I live on the East Coast near Philadelphia. I live in a more remote county-less people, more open spaces, and our numbers are so much lower than more densely populated suburbs. We are enjoying walks and even time outside talking to the occasional neighbor. We wear masks at this point and stand at least 6 feet from each other. It is difficult to get my extroverted 14 year old daughter to understand the need for social distancing but we are making it work.
I agree with Heidi’s assertion that you have developed a greater level of resilience! Can you see how your response to your guy and his need for space different from how you would have responded a year ago in a similar situation? IT seems like worlds apart to me!
Kanya
Hi Alexandra, I am so sorry that this is occurring at this time. Of corse you are feeling shell shocked. I think you shared an important clue; he doesn’t want to do a long distance relationship again. Has he shared what specifically he did not like about long distance? If so, perhaps there are ways that the two of you can approach this differently. I would imagine that part of the challenge is that he connects in a way that he can’t long distance. As a result, he doesn’t feel a connection that keeps him engaged and excited. Can you share more about what he has shared with you?
Did you agree that no connection until this was over was the way to go? It seems extreme and I’m wondering what YOU feel the benefit of this would be. Finally, it is really importune that you increase your self care at this time. What are you doing to take care of yourself and stay connected to family and friends? I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Claire, Welcome to the forum, so glad that you are here. It sounds as though his need to cheat has been going on since the bei=gining of your relationship. I am so sorry as I can imagine how difficult all of this must be and how broken hearted you are.
You said the question now is why he needs to befriend other girls so much. He had a serious addiction that only he can heal. While that is an important question for him to explore to understand his addiction and to heal it, I think the question for you is why are you accepting this behavior? Why do you believe that it is best for you to stay with someone who is a serial cheater? This behavior is NOT going to change. He is pushing to continue to befriend other woman to have the freedom to do that. I’m sure that he will continue to sleep with these women regardless of his marital commitment, regardless of how hurtful this is to you. He is not on this forum, you are. So Claire, why are you staying in a marriage where cheating is the norm? In addition to bearing your heart, he is also putting your health at risk by sleeping with others and possibly passing on STD’s to you.
I have no judgment for your decisions at all. I just want to advocate for you that you deserve a higher level of respect than he can give you. Im really looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi, Welcome tot he forum! Can you tell me what techniques you have tried and what his response has been?
Kanya
Hi Clara, Thank you for sharing a bit more. I agree with Heidi in that I do not think this is the first time he has pursued a student in a secret manner. I would not be going to him house or having him to your house at this point. If you cn steer your interactions to public meetings I think that will give you a better idea of his intentions.
I certainly would put the safety of your job above this relationship and that is a basic need we all have to support ourselves. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, Yay, you got your internet back! Do you feel far more connected to the world again?
We too are on shut down indefinitely. Well, most of the states are shut down but some have not done that which is confusing. The big cities continue to take the major hit because of the density of people who live in cities but the areas outside of the cities are not as bad. Kids are homeschooling and parents are figuring out how to work from home AND teach their kids. People are noticing some positives. Families are spending time connecting, playing games, having meals together. And we are all trying to use out imagination to find new ways of being engaged and connected to family and friends.
I love that you are comfortable with the space and connection that the two of you are experiencing right now. This is such an unprecedented time we can’t make any life decisions from this place of uncertainty.
I agree, the dogs of the world are soooooo happy to have their families home with them all day! My family has decided to get a rescue dog in all of this. She is a cutie and we should get her at end of the month. I think a lot of people are making this same decision as I’ve noticed several new pups in the neighborhood in the past few weeks. For now it is a puppy boom, in 9 months we will see a world wide baby boom!
You sound very calm and centered. What behaviors are contributing to feeling that way?
Kanya
Hi Tina, It is so hard to move on. I really understand the desire to look at social media to see what he is doing. The challenge is, it has a toxic affect on you. I often compare that type of behavior as an addiction; we know that it isn’t good for us but we keep doing it. You have two choices regarding this. First, stop cold turkey and make the decision to focus on things that make you feel good about yourself. Second, slowly wean yourself off of his social media. Ultimately it is your choice but when you start to have more control over doing this you will start to feel stronger and more capable overall.
It is also important that you realize that what is on social media is never an accurate description of what is happening in a persons life. It is skewed and false in many instances. We show everyone this amazing life but leave out our difficulties and imperfections. When you start to feel hurt that is related to the past it is important to help yourself stay in the present. Literally say to yourself, out loud “Even though I am feeling al of this pain, it is 2020 and I only need to deal with this one situation. Yes, I am sad and hurt by his behavior but the reality is I am a strong and capable woman. This hurts but I will learn from it, move on, and create a loving relationship with a man who is whole. I will never leave myself. I will love myself through this and get to the other side.”
Kanya
Hi V, At least you now know part of what is upsetting him. Rather than sending him a message saying that it hurts you that he doesn’t trust you, maybe try to see this differently. If you thought he was seeing someone else and he sent a message saying it hurt him that you didn’t trust him, how far do you think that conversation would go? Things would probably deteriorate because both of you would be feeling defensive and angry.
Instead, what if you try to reassure him from a place of strength versus fear. In your own words, you can say something like “I just found out that my friend said something that suggested I was seeing someone else. I can’t imagine how hurt and upset that must have been for you to hear. It breaks my hear to think of you hurting in this way. I just want you to know that there is no one I want, no person that I want to be with other than you. You are my everything and I can’t imagine my life without you. I know that you might need some time to process all of this and I will give you all the space that you need. I am here and will be here when you are ready to talk and reconnect. There is no place that I would rather be because you are my person. Period.”
Be the person who stays calm and mature. I believe what he needs is reassurance and love and that this reassurance will go farther in helping him than anything else you can do. Then, when the two of you have reconnected and are feeling strong again you can slowly work on improving and balancing the relationship. That do you think?
Kanya
Hi Melissa, We are so glad that you are back! We are also glad to hear that you and your family are safe during this time. It is completely understandable that this situation is triggering some stress between the two of you. It is triggering some of the sore issues in the relationship which can be stressful.
I really acknowledge you for owning your stuff in all of this. When you are stressed out you do tend to attempt to control the situation. It seems like in this situation there were several steps where you continued to do so. Have you considered why you feel the need to do this with your guy? What gets triggered in you at the thought of just letting him be him? It sounds like the two of you have really had a positive few months with each other. Just out of curiosity, why do you think things were going so well? Was there any change in the degree to which you were trying to control him? Was he making more decisions that made sense to you?
Kanya
Hi Tina, He seems to be able to tolerate difficulty in a friendship but doesn’t do very well in relationships. We know he has a history of shutting women out which is devastating to these woman and now to you. This is his track record. As Maya Angelo says, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” He is not going to turn into a different man. This is who he is.
Given everything that is happening he seems to be overwhelmed. I also noted that his daughter is now living with him and she does not support him doing, perhaps this is part of when he is being so distance? What do you think?
Kanya
Hi V, I am glad to hear that you are taking such good care of yourself. This is a great time to focus more energy on you. It might be in terms of relationships and any other area you wish to focus on. Remember, the longest and more profound relationship you will ever have is with yourself!
In terms of pulling back, I suggest you initiate less frequently. When he initiates, feel feel to take more time before responding. That will give him space to notice a change and will also give you space to recenter on other things in your life! Please keep taking care of yourself today and all days!
Kanya
Hi Tina, I am glad you are on the forum, welcome! For now the way to get him back is to stop trying to get him back. By that I mean take a step back. He is telling you that he is exhausted and overwhelmed. The way that he helps himself feels better is to have space. When he is in that place. Like most men, he can’t think about filling up someone else’s tank until he has the time and space to fill up his own. Plus we are all dealing with Covid 19 and it is shaking many of us to the core. Most people don’t have the inner resources to survive this and build anything new so taking a breather is in order.
Take a step back, wait for him to contact you. When he does, actually be his friend and don’t talk about the relationship. Let him see that you are calm and he will most likely open up and share more about what happened. When he does, focus on listening without trying to convince him that things can work between the two of you. This will take patience but letting him lead at this point seems to be the best option. Got to family and friends for emotional support at this stage and of course learn to support yourself emotionally as well.
What are you doing to take care of yourself at this time?
Kanya
Hi V, I am so sorry that you live is being affected by Covid 19. I hope you and your family continue to stay well! You shared that in the past the two of you made a lot of plans and saw a life unfolding for yourselves. This is such an unusual situation I think a lot of people are putting things on hold just to get through this and survive.
I the past how did the two of you deal with disagreements? Have friends gotten involved before? Did you ask or encourage your friend to call him and what did she say? I’m wondering if he was told he was being selfish or disappointing or anything similar to that.
When he says that he needs to get through this can you imagine supporting him rather than asking him to be there for you? The doesn’t mean you will be doing all the work but if he is in a more dangerous situation maybe he needs your support and reassurance? And, support to him might be giving him space. I know this is a lot of questions but it will help us understand the situation better. Thanks!
Kanya
Hi Emilie, I am sorry that he is not as communicative as you would like. My guess is he is not trying to be selfish. He may just be overwhelmed or feeling like he doesn’t have a lot to say. Is he still working and if so is he stressed out about being exposed to people who have the virus? This is such an unusual time I think we need to give people some leeway regarding their behavior. The two of you are really at the beginning of this relationship and it is understandable that there will be ups and downs given the situation. I would resist jumping to any conclusions about what his distance means. It sounds like you are waiting to hear from him for now. Are you connecting virtually to friends and family at least daily through this difficult time?
I’m sorry that you had a negative experience with the woman you saw on the streets. So many people are leading with fear rather than love these days. While it is understandable, it isn’t easy when you come up against someone like that. I’m glad you have your dog to keep you company. When all of this started I realized that while this will be a difficult time for humans, the dogs of the world will be so pleased because their people will be home with them 24 hours per day – it is a dog’s dream come true! So here is the real question, can you still get pain au chocolate at this time in France?
Kanya
