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Hi Rhonda, It is interesting that the men don’t at least brush their hair and put on a nice shirt lol I wonder if they think it is cute and makes them look care free? Hard to know. Do you have any male friends you can ask about this? Might be interesting to gather some answers.
I remmeber hearing someone talk about the big fish situation – I think it might have been John Grey the Men are from Mars author. He talked about the degree to which men feel good about a challenge and working toward something that takes work. It raises their dopamine levels which is a precursor to libido and the desire to pursue a women. Meaning, the harder it is to catch a woman, the more he will value his catch. Have you ever noticed the smiles on the guys faces when they catch the big fish – sooooo happy and confident. Tell us about your new photographer friend.
Kanya
Hi Emilie, It really is such an unusual situation it is hard to know what part of his behavior is related to the life changes related to cover 19 and what is relationship related. It is all twisted up together. For now I suggest you send a short, sweet text. Rather than opening up a conversation about his withdraw, maybe instead initiate a conversation so you participate in creating the experience you want rather than asking him why he isn’t doing it. Does that make sense? Something like “Hey Boo (or any appropriate nick name) I miss seeing your cute face. Are you up for a FaceTime chat this week?”
My guess is he is just feeling down about the whole situation, even burnt out at this point. Remind him of your fun and playful side and see how he responds! If the FaceTime goes well and you feel like you guys are in the flow, that would be a better time to check in. But I would say, avoid having serious conversations about where things are going until social distancing is over and life feels relatively normal again. A lot of people are mistaking stress related to the world wide situation with a problem in their relationship and that is not the cause. It is almost impossible to feel good and connect easily at this point–for everyone! What do you think?
Kanya
Hi Melissa, I am glad you and your family are safe at this time!
In terms of Heidi’s questions, I think she is referring to the times he is not productive; when he sleeps until noon or may to fill out his unemployment forms correctly, or misunderstands you and gets upset. What is the trigger when he his imperfections re showing?
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, Glad things are loosening a bit where you are. In Pennsylvania we are still shut down but there is a plan to slowly open up thing businesses. I’m an introvert so I’m really happy staying inside with my kids and our new dog lol
You mentioned that you haven’t really had many feelings about your mom yet you are hearing her voice that says God is punishing you. That is sad on so many levels but something that many people were taught. If you are honest with yourself, is there anything you feel God should be punishing you for? I know none of us believe that you deserve that but sometimes out beliefs run deep and can surprise us at times. Still, it is important to explore them so you can fully lt them go. So, what comes to mind about this belief?
Kanya
Hi Iyoni, Before I share some ips I’m wondering what you think about Heidi’s thoughts about it being every person’s responsibility t make themselves happy? You shared that you often don’t feel like he is enough. This is something for you to work through otherwise he will continue to be unable to give you what you want.
It sounds as though you have read a lot of our information which is great. Within that information are idea and clear actions that are described in detail. What are some of the things you remember reading? Have you tried any new behaviors or actions that have been successful.
Let’s start with igniting his hero instinct. You want to help him feel like the knight in shining armor, the hero in your life. Think of something that you need help with. If you are in the same location and are seeing each other you can ask him to move something for you or get something off of a high shelf. You can them literally say “You’re my hero.” If you are at a distance, think of some advice you need. Then send him text that states “I need your help.” When he responds, as for the advice. When he responds, let him know that he is being really helpful and that you are so grateful.
Also, find ways to show him that you are happy and that he is killing it as your boyfriend. Right now it sounds as though he doesn’t think he is good at it. Rather than trying to change him, be happy with what he is doing and sharing. This will make him want to work even harder. You can also share small compliments with him that will have a big impact over time.
You shared that he is different since the start of the relationship. I invite you to consider how you have changed. In the beginning my guess is you needed less to be happy. Is that accurate? What changes can you make that will improve the relationship?
Kanya
Hi Elizabeth, It is great to hear that he responded in such a loving way. The truth is, something may be bothering him but until you know for sure it is not helpful to you of the situation to make up a narrative about another woman. If you can shift back to seeing him positively and trusting that he will open up and share when he is ready then you will be creating a safe place for him to open up when the timing is right. Over the course of long terms relationships everyone will have times when they need space or are trying to figure something out. This is normal and does not foretell anything negative. Have you had past relationships where this occurred and your guy eventually opened up and shared what was going on for him?
Kanya
Hi Regina, I agree with your insight. If he isn’t willing to make more of an effort he is showing you that this is who he is and he is not going make changes. You do need to determine if this is sustainable and worth the continued effort. I am sorry that he is not able to give more and know that is difficult to understand given your connection. Men are highly single focused and it takes work to make changes and stay connected. At this point do you think this is sustainable?
Kanya
Hi Josette, I am sorry that you had a difficult morning. I think it is safe to say that the two of you will 67
continue to get triggered at times but you both need to work on staying calm and managing the emotions before you get flooded. When you were calling him over and over again were you aware that what you were doing was fuelinuthe fire? If so, why didn’t you stop and engage some coping skills. It sounds as though you let yourself get to a place where everything felt out of control then you wanted him to reassure and calm you down. Yes, I do think it is normal to need reassurance but it seems like you wait too long and then he gets triggered and overwhelmed. Would you agree?I would definetly reengage a couples therapist ASAP to help the two of you weather this. And, I also suggest you work one on one with someone so that you can learn coping skills to address your emotions before they get out of control.
I agree that the two of you have a lot of emotional ups and downs and seem to have since the beginning of the relationship. It is important that you both learn new skills so that you can get off the roller coaster. Right now you are both emotionally reactive when the other person is upset or in process. As a result, you say and do things that are hurtful and lead to greater levels of emotional reaction which is not a good combination.
I am glad that you can see that he is most likely making threats to end the marriage because he is upset. While this is not a mature coping skill on his part it is going to happen at times. For now I would focus on being gentle with each other and giving each other the benefit of the doubt while you set up therapy sessions.
I find that couples sometimes get stuck emotionally depending on their level of emotional maturity when they met. You both were very young and still growing emotionally. Even though you are now older, you do both tend to fight like young adults fight. It will be impossible to rebuild the marriage if each of you don’t commit to maturing how you communicate and process. In support of that, I recommend the two of you read the book “How to Be An Adulting Relationship.” The book lays out what emotions; maturity looks like in a marriage and offers ideas about how to develop those new skills. Perhaps you can both start o read it and discuss what you are learning. I would refrain from critiquing each other’s maturity level and focus instead on learning new ways each of you can become more skilled at managing your emotions. Take a look at the book and let me know what you think. Was yesterday a better day?
Kanya
Hi Josette, I am glad the two of you had such an in-depth conversation. It sounds like you are both focusing on rebuilding the connection. Have you read “The 5 Love Languages” and determined what each of your love languages are? I think it would be helpful to do so as it will teach you both what the other needs to feel loved and important.
For now, you need to think of your relationships as you would a seedling. It is very vulnerable right now and you both need to be diligent in caring for it, loving it, and nurturing it. Yes, it will take time and effort and you will both have the desire to fall back into negative traits. Perhaps now is the time to return to couples therapy? The two of you could benefit from he support as well as the insight as you rebuild.
I suggest you focus on two things at this time. First, practice the respect principle by learning to be respectful to your husband even when the two of you disagree or things get heated. Second, do what you can to increase your level of happiness. Learn to enjoy the little things and share that joy with your husband.
Relationship researcher John Gottman takes about how spending 12 minutes a day can improve your marriage. When you see each other in the morning spend 3 minutes connecting and sharing your happiness at being together. Three minutes before you part for the day, allow yourself to be positive and wish each other a good day. Enjoy a positive greeting at the end of the day and avoid complaining or sharing anything negative for the first few minutes. Instead, share the joy you feel at coming back together. The last 3 minutes before you go to bed or go to sleep let yourself connect in a positive way. Try this practice for the next week and see what you experience!
Kanya
Hi Candace, I hear that you were done with the relationship. Based on what you shared, there was so much conflict and so many differences that this wasn’t really a balanced and harmonious relationship. I am glad that you trusted your gut and let go.
If you are open to it, there might be some benefit in looking at how you pull away from other relationships. I think Heidi is suggesting it as a next step for you but not a next step to get back into this relationship.
How are you supporting yourself at this time? Who is helping you feel good about your these days?
Kanya
Hi Josette, Welcome to the forum we are so glad that you are here! This is indeed a complicated situation. Two children, two affairs, and approximately 15 years between the two o you. Would you say that much of that time you have felt unsettled and unloved? I some ways your affair makes sense to me. Yo were young and wanted to much to be loved by your husband but he wasn’t ready and was very withdrawn emotionally. But he had the affair when you were both together and things were going really well. Is that accurate? You mention that he was a playboy when the two of you met and that you felt more connected to him sexually when he was having the affair. I wonder if he just hadn’t made peace with being with one woman and dealing with the closeness that comes with that?
AS you wrote about it, you shared that he wasn’t able to get past you’re a fair and that it has really hurt him over the years. Yet, at the time you have the affair it seemed that he was really giving you signals that he didn’t want to be married, didn’t love you, was possibly seeing other women. Is that accurate?
I ask because it seems a bit out of balance in that you are ‘paying’ for your mistake but is he truly remorseful for his? Has he taken full responsibility and worked to understand his behavior? SO much seems unbalanced for the two of you and I would hate to see that imbalance continue.
I am glad to hear that the past 2 weeks have been positive. Even though it is difficult, can you continue to feed the positives into relationship, share compliments and appreciations with him? DO you know what his love language is and what behaviors or actions help him feel loved by you?
Kanya
Hi Patricia, This is a complicated situation. You mentioned that he is behind from his divorce from years ago. Yes, financial stresses can be difficult and will definitely affect someone’s mood. As I looked back through the messages, I think what Heidi is talking about is wanting someone in your life even when they don’t treat you respectfully. Unfortunately he doesn’t seem to have developed mature communication skills or the ability to deal with uncomfortable emotions without disappearing. It seems like this is part of his nature and until he commits to changing that, and does the work to change it, he will be who he is. Are you willing to let him come and go as he pleases while your emotional needs are not addressed?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, that is so cool that your company is doing that!My company is involved in providing tele-health to as many people as we can reach at this time and I would say that this is keeping all of us really busy. I did make a donation to the local food bank to help people who have lost their jobs or are dealing with food instability. It was nice to feel like I could help in some way. My days are very repetitive lol. I work, I help my daughter with her school work, work some more, cook dinner, etc. We try to take walks a few times a day, ride the bike, and on a good day I manage to fit in some push ups. It has been unusually cold where I am, East Coast, so we are anxiously awaiting some warmer days. We actually had snow flurries yesterday which is really unusual!
I get you on the chocolate eating. Yesterday my daughter told me that if I kept eating chocolate I was going to turn into chocolate lol
Kanya
Hi Regina, I can understand why it feels like he might be forgetting about you but here is a secret- men don’t forget about you when you are out of touch. Actually, it makes them start to wonder more about you and miss you. It is important that they have time when theythink you may be losing interest i then. You shared that he has to win, well I promise he is not going to let you go or give up on this. Actually, the less available you are to him, the harder he will work to connect with you.
Is he able to tell you ahead of time if he will be unavailable for a day or several days? I wonder if actually knowing what to expect might make all of this easier to manage? Given his line of work, texting may not be a priority BUT that doesn’t mean that you aren’t a priority. Given that he may not have free time during the day, staying i touch may continue to be challenging.
You mentioned really telling him how all of this makes you feel. I guess I am just wondering if you have already done that. Maybe it isn’t about him understanding but more about what is realistic with his job. Has he shared with you what a work day looks like for him? Depending on his area of expertise it might be really difficult for him to focus on anything but work.
Kanya
Hi Alexandra, Even though it is difficult, taking a step back at this time seems to be having a positive effect on him in that he is missing your connection. I would wait a few weeks then send him a fun, light text. Perhaps you will see something that reminds you of something fun the two of you did at some point. You could send him a pic or something as well with a short text saying something like “Was just thinking of when we (Fill in the blank) . Hope you are well and safe!” IF he responds, be short in your response and be the one to stop texting first. You can let him know that you are thinking of him without jumping into something or pressuring him. Remember, light and flirty!
In the mean time, I think working on yourselves is a great idea! What are you doing to learn more about your and your tendency to hold back in terms of emotional intimacy?
Kanya
