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Hi Marissa, Sounds like you are pushing for this. I agree with Heidi that right now a step back would be more powerful.
What did you want to say to him in person? I would not send it in text because important feelings deserve to be said in person. It actual in person is not possible than have a phone conversation or FaceTime. You could use the Marco Polo App but I think he will need time to process what you want to share because he seems to be in a different place in his life right now. Thoughts?
Kanya
I did also want to say that I like your idea of igniting his hero instinct rather than talking about this too much. Remember, actions speak louder than words!
Kanya
Hi Courtney, Welcome to the forum, we are glad that you are here!
I totally understand your desire to know if this is headed in a long term direction. I think that talking about these things takes a certain kind of finesse and foresight. When you tested that you missed him, my sense is you were expecting him to respond in kind. The thing is, you were kind of expecting him to read your mind and when he didn’t, you assumed he was being cold or telling you he wasn’t interested. It sounds like he is interested and is showing it in his own way. The reality is 6 months isn’t enough time for some people to be ready to know where things are going. We just get to those places at different speeds.
I’m curious, were you feeling unsecure about things when you tested him? It seems like you were needing reassurance but perhaps being indirect isn’t the best way to get what you need. What if, instead of doing this over text, you do this in person. You let him know that you really enjoying spending time with him and that you just want to see if the two of you are on the same page about building something together. Then, sit back and let him answer. Where there are moments of silence, do not jump in to fill the space. Just let him take his time getting it out. Then, stop talking about it. Move on and enjoy the rest of the day. Learning to manage your own anxiety about where things are going is important. There is a great book that might help you understand the stages of new relationships. It’s called “A Fine Romande” by Judith Sills. She talks about the stage the two of you are in and how anxiety provoking it can be. You can for each other, are learning to be vulnerable with one and other yet you don’t know where things are going. While it is uncomfortable, you are building emotionally intimacy which will be needed to get to the next level and the next.
Given what you have shared about him, my guess he is going to want to take things slow. Is that something that you feel comfortable with? Do you have a shared vision for what you both want in your futures?
Kanya
Hi Candace, I can really understand all that you are feeling right now! It is a confusing timed you are sorting a lot of things out. While there is no specified time between relationships, I am a big believer in getting whole and learning to love yourself BEFORE getting in to a relationship. I know that might seem like a daunting task but if we go into relationships feeling broken or insecure, we will look to the guy to provide the support we all need to learn to give ourselves. I love that you are realizing that you need to sort out some pain and self esteem issues. This is a great focus for now and we are happy to support you in doing that!
You said something really important in your last response “Do I not feel that I have the right to make a choice?” To me this is powerful realization. When you share about your life, your other, living situation, caring for your parents, much of your behavior points to the belief that you do not have a right to make a choice, that you do what others tell you and question your own needs. Does it ever feel that way to you?
I do think it is wise to end things when a deal breaker, such as the ones you listed, presents itself. This is a way to love yourself and advocate for your needs. Walking away from guys that aren’t a good match and knowing that you deserve more is a great way to increase your self esteem and self value!
I think that your family situation is so complicated, and clearly contributes to your lack of self esteem, that perhaps you would benefit from working with a therapist. Understanding and implementing healthy boundaries in family relationships is vital. And, it will actually change the type of guys you attract in the future. Right now your family doesn’t seem to understand the importance of boundaries. There are signs of codependence that are limiting your ability to live your best life. Of course you want to be there for your parents and I think there are ways to do that without this much sacrifice. Sometimes it is difficult to see our own dynamics as we are often too close to the situation. This is why is is super helpful to work with a therapist who can help sort through family pattens and dynamics. When the boundaries are more clear, and you are making conscious decisions about how to best support your family, I believe it will be easier for you to be strong indoor own decisions and convictions.
Personally, I think the phrase “constructive criticism” is a nice way of saying you are being criticized. No one wants People to be critical of them. You can be in a relationship and give your partner feedback in a loving way. I also think we have the right to say we don’t want to hear the feedback or that our partners are being too critical. It is not realistic that you will stop helping your mom until you get some support in understanding the dynamic and the history. I really think that learning to set boundaries with your family will help you learn to set boundaries with your boyfriends. While we want them to be supportive, when they are crossing a boundary we also are responsible for telling them in a calm manner that is is not okay. If you didn’t learn how to do that in your family it will just take some time and practice to learn how to do that. This is another area that a therapist could help you with. Many insurance companies are covering the therapy copay during Covid 19. If you have health benefits I suggest you find out what your benefits are for therapy at this time!
I am glad that you are feeling glad that this is over. Yes, there will be days when you doubt it but honestly, this guy did not treat you with respect. Remember that when brain fog sets in and you find yourself wanting him back because you can only remember the good. Take a breath and remember the challenges of the whole picture. You deserve more but more won’t come until you are willing to say no to what is not working! I’m really proud of you.
Kanya
Hi Ke T, welcome to the forum!
So, let’s see if we can figure this out. It sounds as though he does care for you but there are significant things that make it impossible for him to be your boyfriend:
* He can’t be there for you as more than a friend.
* He fails at being more than a friend and is recognizing the areas that are not developed in himself.
* He doesn’t know what he wants.
* He is ‘working out’ his sexuality.
*Having sex ruins relationships for him. He has hang ups that make sex stressful, not funned care free.
* He has a lot os insecurities about himself and his sexuality that get in the way of connecting emotionally.
* He wants to be your friend but not your lover.There are big issues that may or may not heal in the future. While it is difficult, it is very important to listen to the words that say he can’t have a relationship with you. It is very possible to care for someone and still not be able to be in a relationship with them. I believe this is what he is saying to you.
I’m really, really sorry but I want you to be realistic so that you can avoid additional pain and suffering. How do you feel about his not being able to do this with you?
Kanya
Kanya
Hi Karen, Welcome to the forum. We are so glad that you are here! I am sorry that the two of you are not on the same page. Has he been clear from the beginning that he wanted to build a life on his own? It sounds like he is clear that this is what he wants. While it is difficult to accept, he doesn’t want to hav a relationship and you are ready for one. That is a big mismatch. He may give you signals at times that he wants to spend time together, his overall intention is very different than yours. If you continue seeing him, this will stay the same and the more you try to connect and build something with him, the more he will push you away.
You shared sometime important in your last post “I think we just want differentiations things.” Couples can thrive when the different things they want are small and don’t affect the relationship. For instance, one of you may be a vegetation or have different preferences for the temperature of the bedroom while you sleep. These are differences that can be worked with while still building a relationship. The thing is, you can’t build a relationship with someone who doesn’t want a relationship and he clearly does not want a relationship. That has nothing to do with how awesome you are! You are amazing and beautiful and sweet. You deserve to be with someone who wants to plan things together and build a life together. That is not this guy.
My guess is you have thought about letting this go in the past. I’m curious, what gets in the way of you moving on?
Kanya
Hi Sharon, I am so sorry. While you seem to be able to navigate this, he does not. He does not appear to be good at building relationships. I’m not sure if this is his usual behavior when getting close to someone. What do you know about his relationship history? Has he been in a serious lasted a long time?
I’m curious about how he approached you for more. Was he flirtatious in text and on calls and was he talking about exploring a relationship or kind of hooking up? It is interesting that he had a great time until he got sick. I wonder if he felt uncomfortably vulnerable with you? I also wonder if he is someone that runs to or from relationships?
The more you go towards him the more he retreats so I suggest you take a step back. Let him initiate and when he does, take your time responding. Don’t try to communicate and handle things for both of you. He needs to get back t the role of pursuer to develop more interest and motivation. How are you doing with all of this? It must be terribly disappointing. Who is on team Sharon right now? You need lot os love and support from your friends and family!
Kanya
Hi Candace. You have a lot on your place and I really empathize with you. Let’s start with Sadan. It sounds as though you want to break up with him. Is the accurate? I’m wondering why you aren’t open to telling him how you feel and ending the relationship in an open and honest manner? Is talking in that way a stretch for you in general or just with Sadan? If you tell him that his lack of understanding is making you question the relationship, do you think that might motivate to give you space to figure things out or simply become more supportive?
Given that everyone is dealing with the ramifications of the pandemic I’m am wondering if stress is heightened and everyone is having a difficult time just dealing with say to day stuff? Did you and your BF have a more supportive relationship a few months ago when life felt more normal?
In terms of your family, I understand your desire to help your parents stop their self sabotage. The thing is, why can’t you help them manage their money for now if they need help BUT still live on your own? Right now their dysfunction is stopping you from living fully and that isn’t a healthy thing for you OR them. Have you ever thought about attuning a 12 step program for codependence? I think it might help you see things a bot more clearly and also might help you gove yourself permission to set some appropriate boundaries with them. What do you think?
In terms of your best friend, why don’t you just ask him if something is bothering him?
Kanya
Hi Sharon, I am so glad that you are here. This sounds like you might be getting mixed signals but I need to clarify where you guys actually are. It sounds like you have been hanging out for the past year, is that correct? Have you been actively dating or more hooking up? It sounds like he has been coming and going this past year with a lot of distance. I wonder if what he is doing now is actually different than what he has been doing this year? Did things heat up recently and you were anticipating more connection? Please share more so that we can best support you.
I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Jody, It seems like you are still really focused on his decision to communicate with this woman. What if you take a step back, really back, and let this play out without you? The reality is, it is going to play out with or without you. And, it should. It needs to play out and he needs to see where this goes and deal with the ramifications of his decisions. I know it is really hard but the reality is he has the freedom to make the decision about who he wants to talk to, how he wants to interact with people, and the paths that he wants to go down. Yes, it is hard to see a friend go down a path that may cause pain but you can’t stop them.
Does it make sense to you that this is about more than your concern for him? How are you doing with him not reciprocating your feelings?
Kanya
HI Samantha, I am so sorry that this is happening. I can imagine how confused you are about the whole things. Things did seee to be going well and perhaps this is what spooked him? You said something really interesting. You shared that your gut told you that once his life was back in order you knew he would leave you. Can you tell me more about that gut feeling? When did you start having it and what contributed to it?
At this time does he still contact you each week? Have you shared that this isn’t working for you?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, It sounds like you have a lot of people in your life who love and care for you! That is great and you are learning to set boundaries with them. Whether you realize it or not, your behavior is influencing them and could ultimately give them a whole new way of looking at relationships! You really do have a more enlightened vision or relationship which is difficult for many people to understand. We are so conditioned to exert effort on changing guys that many people do not understand your mind set. The reality is, you feel better, stronger and more confident when you approach things this way. To me that is the ultimate feedback for yourself!
Yes, I am not surprised that the lock down continues. This virus is not declining as anticipated. I live in Pennsylvania near Philadelphia wo we are probably looking at another 6-8 weeks before things loosen. This is really showing us how resilience and adaptive we are. I hope you re celebrating these qualities in yourself! Not everyone is adapting as well.
Kanya
Hi Iyoni, Sounds like you are having a lot of confusing and contradictory thoughts and feelings. I think that it takes time and effort to learn to distinguish between something that life is bringing into your experience versus what is treated to a romantic relationship. You mention a lot that you are bored. That can come from many different places. Are you stuck at home and limited as to your amount if interaction with others? I think that this experience of being stuck at home is creating a tremendous amount of boredom for all of us. Sometimes, when other areas of our lives is not giving us all that we need, we turn to our relationships to fill i the gaps. This isn’t possible-especially if he is bored and stuck at home as well. So, if you really check into side are you being realistic with what you want from hime AND how much of what you are feeling is about your life circumstance versus dissatisfaction with your relationship?
In terms of the grass is always greener syndrome – pay attention to beliefs about what relationships “should” look like. You mention that other guys know how to comfort their girlfriends so why doesn’t your guy? Actually, the has not been my experience. What I mostly see is men not really knowing how to comfort their GF emotionally. This is not second nature for most guys. We needs to let them know what we need and ask for it. You did this with him nd guess what? He responded, he learned, he stepped up. That is what you need to focus on – how much he is willing to learn and grow with you. That is it. No need to focus on the fact that you needed to ask because guess what? You will need to get to know each other by sharing and asking and trying. It won’t happen automatically for anyone!
I find myself wondering, do you have friends or family members who are telling you that he should be different and just know these things? Is this your belief alone or is it also the belief go others in your life?
Overall I suggest you focus on being a good friend and seeing if he is also a good friend to you. Then, the relationship aspects get added to the mix. It sounds like he is a good BF, loves you, and is willing to work on things. Do you find this a bit boring? The reality is, healthy relationships can feel boring if you are used to a higher level of drama. What have your past relationships been like? Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Emilie, I totally get that it is difficult to stay positive when people around us are feeling negative. I’m curious, how do you respond when people are negative? Have you found ways to let them know that you would appreciate it if their focus remained positive? Sometimes the people who care about is think they are helping by pointing these things out but in reality it can have the opposite effect.
I agree that it might be another 2 months but I am also really hoping that we can have July and August with a loosening of restrictions as we all need a fun summer at this stage!
Kanya
Hi Emilie, I can relate to the not knowing. Governments are setting and resetting reopening dates daily. I think they are making educated guesses and will follow the results. Kids here won’t be going back to school until the end of August but I have friends that work at the school district and they are already making plans for on line learning in the fall if needed. My son is set to graduate from high school and move on to university this year but is mossing all of the milestones of his senior year. I’ve also heard that many colleges may do remote learning in the fall so he may be doing his first year of college from home. I know this would frustrate him because what he really loves is to learn!
I am so glad that the two of you talked. It really is so hard as the two o you were in the building phase of the relationship when all of this started. I give you both a lot of credit for sticking with it and finding ways to stay connected! I love that you don’t want the structure of weekly calls. It sounds as though you are feeling confident that things will keep moving forward in an organic way!
How do you feel about working from home for the rest of the year? I actually love working from home but long term I think I would like the option of going into the office a few days a week. But, the thought of working from home 2 days a week while my daughter is at school sounds heavenly lol
Kanya
