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Hi NM, Thanks for the update, so glad to hear from you! I am glad that you are safe and well. Hopefully you have been able to maintain some sort of normalcy in your life through this unprecedented time.
Wow, it sounds as though you have done a lot of productive thinking and letting go. That is great! Letting go of the people who don’t have what it takes to care for us in the way we deserve is very liberating. I congratulate you on your decision to do so! What was your process of letting go like? I’d love to hear more and also hear what is next for you!
Kanya
Hi Cassandra, You built a new dining room table. OMG that is amazing! #jealous!
I really get that you have spited your mindset which is soooo important. We need to focus on what out guys are doing well if we want to them to continue to feel motivated to make us happy. I think your friend Erin is seeing something that you weren’t seeing before. This is indeed a good friend! I wonder if it would be helpful to do a vision board for the relationship. I’m wondering if you will be surprised at how much is already present that you are hoping to manifest? Have you ever done one before? Here is a fun link that will tell you more:
Can’t wait to hear about your date today!
Kanya
Hi Cassandra, You built a new dining room table. OMG that is amazing! #jealous!
I really get that you have spited your mindset which is soooo important. We need to focus on what out guys are doing well if we want to them to continue to feel motivated to make us happy. I think your friend Erin is seeing something that you weren’t seeing before. This is indeed a good friend! I wonder if it would be helpful to do a vision board for the relationship. I’m wondering if you will be surprised at how much is already present that you are hoping to manifest? Have you ever done one before? Here is a fun link that will tell you more:
Can’t wait to hear about your date today!
Kanya
Hi Sara, Welcome to the forum. We have had several woman successfully use the techniques to start and/or maintain a long distance relationship. I think they can apply in a variety of situations. The concern I have is that this guy isn’t interested in doing long distance and I would wonder if the techniques would be successful in that circumstance. Living in different countries is really different than living a few hours from each other. Can you tell me what you imagine would be positive about being in a relationship with someone so far away? How often do you think the two of you would be able to see each other?
Kanya
Hi Mary, I acknowledge the fear of being vulnerable and getting hurt. I think that is something that we all struggle with in relationships. We want to be open and take chances and we also have a desire to avoid pain. Taking those risks and being vulnerable is actually an important way to build emotional intimacy. Said another way, we are opening up and letting someone see into us. Few things are as scary as that!
Can you tell me how you imagine you may look and or feel weak in this situation? Do you have a sense that being open and transparent makes you weak? I’d love to hear more about this!
I think that reaching out with a message similar to what Heidi suggested is a great idea. I think it is clear that you are open to leaving the door open but that is different than putting up with something that doesn’t fit and it is different than wasting your time. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Cassandra, It sounds as though the two of you ave a good connection which is difficult to find. And, it is good that you are willing to rethink your perception of him not being good at initiating. It sounds like he does initiate, he just needs a little more time before he is ready to initiate.
I love that you are realizing that he needs space to miss you! Men often take a longer amount of time and space before they miss us and want/need to reconnect. But, learning to take a step back for long enough to miss you would be a great skill to develop. I realize now is a little difficult because so many of us are bored and want to talk/text more. Is there something you can do, a project of some kind, that would keep you more busy so that it would be easier to give him space? What after you doing to fill your time now that you aren’t working 40 hour per week?
I agree that living in his mom’s house would be very limiting! I don’t think that it is too soon to inquire about that as his answer could impact whether or not the two of you move forward. I like how you phrased it above. I would suggest you have that level of conversation in person for sure. Any definitive plans regarding kayaking?
Kanya
Hi Cassandra, Welcome to the forum! First I want to acknowledge you for how you have handled a difficult situation. Things do see to be back on track for you guys and moving forward. In terms of him initiating, I get the sense that his personality is more of a follower. Would you agree. If that is the case, I’m not sure to what degree he will be able to initiate. With the right encouragement you could see more but my guess is you will initiate more than he does overall. Can you learn to be okay with that? Ways to encourage it are basically positive feedback when he takes even a small step to initiate. Saying something like “I love that you are reaching out and initiating more. It makes me really happy to know that you are thinking of me.”
It is a good insight that you have about him being his mom’s hero. For now I would focus on initiating his hero instinct when you are together and his mom is out of sight. You want to avoid any sense of competing with his mom for his attention. You both play different roles and I believe he has the ability to have both relationships. What is his relationship history? Has he ever lived on his now, away from him mom?
I would have that specific conversation in person during a really fun day! Do you have plans for getting together again?
Kanya
HI Angela, I agree that the situation is complicated but the solution can be simple if you imagine taking it a step at a time. First, he is asking you to be nice. Think about what this means to him. Less arguing? Less strife? What has made the relationship difficult from the start and more difficult int he past 3 years. That is what needs to change. Show him there is more to you than he realizes and that you are willing and able to do the work within yourself to change.
Next, in the relationship Rewrite they talk about taking responsibility and sincerely apologizing for your contribution to the problems. Have you taken this step with him? Remember, an apology does not have a “but” at the end of it or a rationalization as to why you behaved that way. This is important because he needs to know that you get what is so upsetting to him and that you are making changes. He has been clear that he is not interested in continuing the relationship as it is. Show him you understand that and are on board with making changes.
In terms of the girl he is talking to, do not give her or her presence power. He isn’t really interested in her, he is just interested in a calmer and easier relationship. If you show him that you can provide that then a relationship with you becomes more attractive than starting over with someone new. When he says that he wants to keep talking to her you can respond by saying something like “I really don’t want that because I want to work on things but if you feel the need to do that I won’t fight you on it.” Yes, it will be difficult to say and difficult to follow through on but he needs to be making these decisions and seeing that you support him. He will be so surprised by this support that he will stat to wonder if he really does want to date this other person.
When he says she is nice, you can respond with something like “I know that things haven’t been great for awhile. Without realizing it I think I stopped enjoying our time together and wasn’t always nice in the way that you deserve. I can see that was a mistake on my part and I’m so sorry I didn’t treat you better. Just so you know, I am committed to making changes so that you know how much you mean to be.” You don’t need to get a response or conclusion in the moment. The Relationship Rewrite talks about this process taking time and patience. Things do not, cannot, change over night. He will need to see these changes in you for a period of time before he trusts that they are real.
I know this will be difficult and you will need some support. Who is on your support team helping you stay calm and patient through this? What are you doing to help yourself as you grow and mature?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, I am soooo glad that you have had a few moments of normalcy! Isn’t that the best. It has been so long since we have done simple things like sat and had breakfast with a friend. I like that all of these little pleasures in life feel so special! I hope things keep opening up and evolving in a way that keeps you, your family, and friends safe and healthy.
It sounds like your communication with your guy is good though it has changed over time. So much remains to seen in terms of what out connections and lives will look like after all of the restrictions are lifted. I imagine it is difficult at times but I really want to reflect back to you the immense emotional growth you have experienced. You have grown in so many ways and it shows! What have you noted in how you are handling this situation versus how you would have handled it a year ago?
Kanya
Hi Hese, Thank you for sharing so many great insights. I really acknowledge the depth to which you are thinking of all of this. I can hear in your words and thoughts how invested you are in this friendship. I understand that you have complicated feelings for this man.
It is interesting that you say that it was on you that he didn’t tell you he was separated because you didn’t ask that specific question. Yet, he talked as though he was married and not separated. To me this is an example of you taking responsibility for something that he has accountability for. You have clearly worked on yourself and you bring this to your interactions with him which is great. I just caution you to know where the line is so that you aren’t taking on his stuff to.
You shared some interesting thoughts about your questions about whether you can trust him. It sounds like he actually told you that he may not be trustworthy. And you always felt as though you could not trust his loyalty to you. These are big red flag to pay attention to! Yes, we all have issues and yes we all need to take those issues ito account when interacting with those around us personally and professionally. Do you think that you could find more balance and set more boundaries when interacting with him?
Now that you have talked and he is maintaining his distance, how are you feeling about him? How are you feeling about moving on?
Kanya
Hi Tracy, Great question about the 2 part thank you, you can do that in the same text! If he doesn’t reach out, continue to take a step back and let him initiate conversation. I know that might not be an easy thing to do but it is vital because you want him to be clear about his intentions. This clarity will motivate him to act. If he doesn’t, then you are dealing with someone who really isn’t able to self motivate and help himself through life. Honestly that is a core issue of his and he will need to work through that if he is to be ready and capable of having a relationship.
I get how difficult this is but you are doing a great job! Do you have a date set for him working on your car?
Kanya
Hi Hese, Welcome to the forum, so glad that you re here! I notice that you have a lot of questions and I can totally understand why. The two of you have quite a personal and procession connection over the past 4 years. I love the way you describe how you get each other and the ways in which this was surprising, exciting, and inconvenient at times given you were both married.
I do think he cared about you and that his feelings were, and possibly are, real. That being said, I do have some concerns. As you mentioned, I do think he has an issue with boundaries. I think he had feelings for you but I also question if he has taken advantage of you and those feelings on a professional level. He got you to work for free, you probably did far more work over the years than he has paid you for and you are still part time when the agreement was a full time position. I think it is important to pay attention to this tendency and I have a sense he will continue to display poor boundaries into the mix.
Another way that he shows poor boundaries is by giving you mixed signals regarding his feelings for you. He has been flirtatious and suggested that he is in love with you but is dating someone else. He was also highly dishonest with you about being separated for 6 years with out telling you. I guess these pieces, and others, make me concerned that he is being dishonest in some ways. Does it even seem as though he is somewhat dishonest though you can’t quite put your finger on it? How frequently does your gut tell you things that contradict things that he is saying? It is always important to trust your gut first!
I am curious as to why you have not been open with him about your feelings before now? Also, when you did text him it seems like you were giving him mixed messages. Yes, you cared for him but you also shared that you weren’t a good match for him and supported his new relationship. You also told him not to respond. Can you share more about why you did not want to hear his response to your words? I wonder if part of you was fearful of his answer? Thoughts?
One thing that I noticed is that you tend to take responsibility for all that happened here. What if you take responsibility for your actions and let him take responsibility for his actions, behaviors and decisions? Wouldd you see things differently?
Kanya
Hi Carrie, First I want to acknowledge you for your insight into yourself and into him. That ability is an important asset in this situation!
I love that you opened up to him on Thursday and you noted how much closer the two of you felt-well done! This isn’t an easy thing to do if you aren’t used to it. Continuing to open up, be vulnerable is something that I hope you will keep doing! You mentioned that you often ask him if he needs help and that this may be construed as you not having faith in him. Just curious if this occurs in your personal lives, professionalisms lives or both? What if you take a step back and let him start to figure things out without your help? Is this something you are prepared to do?
By moving into a separate room you do risk losing some connection but you also open the door to deepening the connection emotionally which appears to be the goa. Plus, he has told you that he doesn’t want to be in a romantic partnership at this time. I don’t know any friends who actually sleep in the same bed night after night, do you? While it will be good for you, it might also be a reality check for him about what he is asking.
I LOVE the goals you list in #6 above. These are soooo good! Have you ever created a Vision Board? I think now is a great time to create one for yourself and the part of yourself that you want to grow and evolve. Here is a how to link for creating one:
Kanya
Hi Tracy, I agree that the day you hang out and he fixes your car should not be about the relationship! It should just be able spending and helping him remember how fun you are. Share some compliments while you are together and sex is definitely off limits as it will only confuse and complicate things!
After the meeting, send a short and sweet text thanking him. Make the thank you 2 parts; first, say thank you. Second, mention a way that him fixing your car will continue to help you over time. Something like, “I love knowing that I will be safe going to work everyday now that you have fixed things.” Then, lay low and let him sit and think about things. Give him space to reach out to you again. What do you think about this plan?
Also, I wanted to circle back to a question that Heidi posed; are you still going to therapy?
Kanya
Hi Mary, Welcome to the forum, so glad that you are here. Wow, you guys have such a history. I can absolutely understand why this is confusing. On the one hand you have such deep feelings for him and a long history. As you share, you believe he is the love of your life! On the other hand, you are fearful of being vulnerable and putting yourself out there just to be hurt again. It really is a predicament.
THe thing is, I don’t get that you will be at peace with this unless you explore it more to see where things could go. I’m not suggesting that you try to do this at this stage but I wonder if talking about this more would be helpful. What if you tell him you are interested but you agree that you he does need to figure things out. What if you let him know that the door is open if/when he is ready. You can then take a step back but peppering your lives with some texts and the occasional conversation might actually help him realize how he feels about you. I agree that talking for hours and being in contact like besties would be confusing but maybe just a few texts once every few weeks?
Ultimately he needs to determine if he is free to explore a relationship with you. It sounds like he still has some processing to do. While this is hard, it is important that he do this. So, let him explore what he needs to explore but also let him know that you would like to move forward with a relationship if he gets to the place where he is 100% ready. I know that you will feel highly vulnerable doing this but in the long run, it isn’t possible to build a relationship if you aren’t willing to be vulnerable with someone and take emotional risks. I’m not suggesting that you sit around and ‘wait’ for him, The reality is you have been living your life and will continue to do so. I’m just suggesting that rather than cutting him our, you leave a crack in the door. What do you think about this possibility?
Kanya
