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Hi Diana, Have you been able to take a step back and stop communicating at this point? Remember, we want to change the current flow of energy in the relationship from you pursuing to him pursuing. There needs to be space for about a week followed by a well crafted text apologizing for coming on so strong.
How long were the two of you dating?
Kanya
Hi Shala, Welcome to the forum, so glad that you are here. I can understand your confusion. I think that it is really difficult to know what people are trying to say via text. It is so easy to make assumptions or to misunderstand where someone is going from. In the future, have conversations about the relationship IN PERSON!
That way you can ask clarifying questions and make sure the two of you are on the same page.So when he asked for space you felt he was breaking up and wanted you out of his life? I think this is the first thing that needs to be cleared up. Perhaps he just needed a few days space, perhaps he wanted to spend less nights together or not talk as much. It is literally impossible to know what he meant unless you actually sit down and ask him.
Can you reach out to him and let him know that you would like to talk and figure out what you each want and need?
Kanya
Hi Mary, It is normal to have conflicting feelings. Sometimes we get upset with others, or ourselves, and that results inner and or frustration. I think waiting until you are more neutral is a great idea. you’ll know when you are ready. When you are, keep it short and sweet and then let it go. Please keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Courtney, I am glad to hear that he is comfortable with physical intimacy overall. I am not surprised that he is more comfortable kissing when he has been drinking. There is research that shows that ingesting alcohol increases testosterone levels in males and estradiol in women. Alcohol consumption also lowers inhibition which can lead to more open expression of a variety of communication including sexuality.
If you initiate kissing during sex does her reciprocate? What do you think of my suggestion that you talk to him about this and simply let him know that kissing during sex is important to you and is just not negotiable?
Kanya
Hi Naomi, I agree that time will help. Working with your thoughts will also help. Telling yourself that there are other great guys out there who want what you want, that you feel more alive when you are in a relationship so that is what you will create in your life, etc.
I realize this may seem far fetched given the doubts you shared. Can you share with me why you doubted that you would ever connect with anyone again?
Kanya
Hi Courtney, I can understand why you are concerned. Kissing is a highly intimate act. For many people, it is more emotionally intimate than sex. People can have sex without feel close so someone, without feeling love. It is difficult to kiss without developing deeper feelings. To me this is a red flag of a potential block to emotional intimacy on his part.
I would let him know that kissing is an important part of connecting in general and certainly during sex. It’s okay to let him know that this needs to be part of the package. Then, see if he can respond and give you what you need. He may not e able to do that and while that will be difficult to see, it is important to determine what he is capable if giving you. Does that make sense? How does he respond if you initiate more physical contact?
Kanya
Hi Diana, Welcome to the forum-so glad you are here. You shared that you met this person a few weeks ago. You describe the whole arch of a relationship in that time. I agree this was waaaaay too fast. The reason we move slowly as we build a relationship is to create roots which will sustain us in times of difficulty. There was no time to build roots so when difficulty came, you both panicked. The reality is, you do not know this person and he does not know you. That will take months of spending time together, opening up and being vulnerable. What you are describing is a chemical response to someone, an infatuation, not love. I know that is difficult to hear but it is important to understand.
When a couple jumps in this quickly, and difficulty arises, one or both partners usually jump out just as quickly. There are no roots to sustain difficulty, no roots to sustain the reality that the person you are falling for is imperfect. We all get to that reality at some point but you both went from this being the best, most amazing thing to being difficult. This can be shocking and will chase a man away. A woman reaction is to pursue and become anxious. This is how things played out for the two of you.
For now, I suggest that you stop pursuing and stop communicating. Take a 30 days break and send that time getting back into balance. Part of getting back into balance is realizing that he is not a once in a lifetime man. He is a guy who jumped in too quickly and jumped out just as quickly when things got real.
After 30 days reassessment whether you want to reconnect with someone who responds to stress in the relationship in this way. Just out of curiosity, did he ever talk about past girlfriends in a negative manner? How did he describe them and his past relationships?
Kanya
Hi Angela, the challenge is, he is given you clear signals, in words and in actions, that he is not interested in a relationship. He is wounded by what is happening in his life and that door is shut. Sometimes we push for something because the pain of losing it is overwhelming. What if you give yourself a longer period of time to rebuild before pushing for this? You have told him how you feel and he is just not interested at this time. More importantly, you could keep at this for years and never get what you want. Remember, if a man wants a women he will move heaven and earth to get her – like he did to win you over initially. At this stage, he is just not participating. I think you would get his attention more if you stopped communicating for a month or two. Show him that you are moving on with your life. This would have a bigger impact that letting him know you are still here for him. I know that this will be difficult but I don’t see him coming around if you continue to pursue. What do you think?
Kanya
Hi Mary, Given that you are naturally a more logical person I can understand why this is confusing. I acknowledge your willingness to analyze your feelings but I’m not sure that will help. Feelings are often difficult to analyze.
You started by saying that he needs to figure things out (we agree) and that you feel you closed the door to additional communication in the future. That seemed to be a bit extreme and it seemed like you were questioning that decision. Given that neither or you can see the future from this vantage point, we were encouraging you to simply let him know that the door was open to communicating once he was clear. Are you open to taking that step and not trying to figure out what comes next? If not, that is fine too. We just want to help you be at peace with whatever decision you come to. If you are ready to move on, go for it. If you want to send one more communication now or in the future, go for it! But, I suggest you just try to figure out the next step, not the next 5 steps. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Roxanne, I am glad that you are reaching out for some support! I suggest that you take a step back. Since you aren’t sure what was going on for him, and you have a tendency to push when he needs space, it is important for him to see you doing something different.
I would wait a few days they send a light hearted text. It would be good to have some neutral n=banter before talking about what happened. I would definitely wait until you are talking on the phone or on person before trying to resolve this. Just out of curiosity, how have the two of you resolved conflict in the past?
Kanya
Hi Hese, If I am understanding you correctly, he is asking for a list of clients that you work with that are unrelated to the work you do for him. Is that accurate? If so, I agree this is an unprofessional request. Most likely he is preparing to each your clients not that his business is lagging. Do not give him that list as you have worked to build and maintain those relationships!
Since he is not actively giving you work, and has not given you full time work after promising that to you for years, do you actually need to tell him that is no longer your goal? I think there is an opportunity for you to be more strategic at this point. There has been a lot of personal connection in the relationship yet these seem to be to his advantage, not yours. It is important that you focus on healthy boundaries versus the desire to continue a friendship mentality with him. What do you think about approaching this differently?
Kanya
Hi Candace, I can understand your heartache and we are here for you!
I am sorry that your brother is not thinking clearly. I do think that this was such a difficult situation at his home that perhaps leaving will be seen as positive at some point soon. I know that living with your parents is difficult but is it less stressful than being at your brother’s? Do you feel that your parents treat you better, with more care and support than your brother? While living with your parents is not your final destination, is it possible that this could be a positive step forward?
I can understand your confusion about why others recommend you go to therapy. I guess I imagine that in addition to encouraging you ro be gentle with yourself, they would also help you learn to set appropriate boundaries with family members. These would include emotional as well as financial boundaries. I addition, they could help you assess if you are on track developmentally in terms of launching in to the world and creating a loving and supportive partnership, and eventually a family of your own. They could help you explore why you are sometimes attracted to self involved friends and boy friends, understand where that tendency came from, and help you take steps to distance from those who don’t respect you. Have your therapists in the past helped you move towards these goals? Also, can you tell me why you have decided to work with 2 separate therapists at this time?
There is a great book that I think would be interesting to you at this time. It’s called “How to be an Adult” by David Richo. It really delves into behavior, boundaries, and understanding how to be an individual in a healthy way. Take a look and let me know what you think! I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi NM, I am so inspired by how you are moving through this. It is absolutely the best decision to get far away from a dangerous narcissist. I’m glad that there is some good coming of this pandemic for you. While there is a lot of pain in the world right now I also hear people sharing the good from this experience as well. I trust that the best will come your way! Please keep us posted.
Kanya
Hi Josette, I am so sorry. I can understand how painful this is. You both have been dealing with a high level of conflict for man years. It must by really exhausting for month of you. How are you taking care of yourself these days? How can we support you at this time?
Kanya
Hi Jennifer, Welcome to the forum! I am sorry that he isn’t seeing how this could work. Can you share a bit more about the relationship before he ended things? How long were you together/dating, were you in a place in the relationship where you were exploring a future together?
Does he ever come back to the area to visit family or friends? Can you are more about the relationship in general?
Kanya
