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Hi Sarah, I can hear how much calmer you are feeling about all of this. So glad to see that! When we are thrown into a break up it can take some time to get our bearings. You are doing a great job managing all of this while still learning more about yourself. That is a really powerful combination that will serve you well!
If, at the end of 30 days, he still wants to break up I suggest that you move into a place of understanding. Yes, it appears that he was tired from the relationship dynamic. The best way to shift the effects of this is to show him different behavior. So, if he says he wants to break up respond by agreeing with his frustrations even if you don’t agree with his decision. That would be the time to share your insights about making him responsible for his happiness and that you see that this was to fair or effective. Share all that you are learning about yourself and the ways in which you want to shift the flow of the relationship. Demonstrate how you have changed and also provide a vision for a different type of relationship.
Also, maintain that you don’t need to make any decisions in the moment. Suggest that you take a dy or two to each think about it and they talk again. I would also suggest that these conversations take place in person as it is difficult to be disconnected in person but easy to be disconnected in a text. Does this answer your question? Let me how else we can support you. Thanks.
Kanya
Hi Cassie, Wow, what a great update! I am so happy to hear about the great movement you have experiencing. I hope you are giving yourself credit for what you brought to this shift. You have been strategic in how you approach this which is impressive. You really thought things through, went step by step, and found ways to talk about important things in a fun and playful manner. Well done!
I think that your conversations about the future, moving forward, and moving in together have been powerful. I hear that he wants to move out and that now is not the right time. I love that you are hearing more yes than no and his behavior seems in alignment with that. You must be so excited! IT sounds like your connection is deepening and you are finding more and more things that you have in common – what fun it is to find someone who fits in that way!
I love that you are building a pinterest board and look forward to hearing how all of this visioning goes for you and the relationship! SO, what is next? What are your current goals and/or the things that you are working on creating together?
Kanya
Hi Lindsey, Welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear that things have been so rough for you these past 5 years. That must have been really frustrating on so many levels. It sounds as though you are in a better place. Hopefully things can start to feel fun again for the two of you.
I do think igniting the hero instinct but given your past you need to be strategic about what you ask him for. I would focus on asking for support around the house or with the kids, etc. I would not make the reason he helps you be about you not feeling well. You mention that he has felt like the person who takes care of you so, as you become more independent and capable this dynamic shifts. You are capable and you are independent and you can care for yourself and your family! So, ask him to get something off a high shelf. Ask him to so something for the kids. Ask him to lift something or move something but not because you can’t do those things yourself because you are sick, dizzy, etc. Does that make sense? Then, when he helps give him that wonderful praise and acknowledgment that he will eat up.
I would also suggest that you start to compliment him and give to him in ways that are important to him. Have you read “The 5 Love Languages?” It is an amazing book that breaks down the 5 ways that people give and receive love. I think it might give you a good roadmap about what he needs more of. Can you take a look and we can explore it together?
Kanya
Hi Sarah, Happy Sunday. I’m wondering how Heidi’s response is sitting with you? How do you think you could incorporate what she shared and suggested into your situation?
Kanya
Hi Holly, I am glad that you got some good information and understanding from the video. Alisoon is amazing and I return to her teachings often. I am getting the sense that you really think about this a lot and are often confused about how to take things. Sometimes something he says can make you feel good as well as bad. Would you agree?
One thing that is important for you to really absorb is that the two of you have been married a long time and he is still interested in being with you, is attracted to you, and clearly wants you both to be happy in the relationship. He may not always try to improve things the way you are but he is working on it.
I acknowledge you for knowing what your limits are and what you are comfortable with. There aren’t many women who like going to strip clubs with their guys. It sounds like you are open to hearing his thoughts and needs and it is important that this occur in ways that also make you feel comfortable.
It sounds as though you are aware of the things that are important to him, correct? I think that if you continue to move forward int eh ways that you are comfortable you will continue to see positive feedback from him. Question; when he noticed that you were dressing differently you felt good and bad at the same time. Can you explain these two responses? Does it sometimes feel like you thinking can go negative even when you are getting positive feedback from him? Let’s help you figure that one out! Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Holly, I am glad that you are opening up and sharing with us. I get the sense that this forum is an important vehicle for you to express some long held frustrations and confusion. The two of you have been together for a long time and it makes sense that you have a lot to share.
Let’s talk a bit about positive reinforcement. We know that one of the important ways he gives to his family is by working hard and being a good provider. Have you tried to give him positive reinforcement for this? Do you tell him how much you appreciate his hard work and the way to which he supports his family? I get the sense that he may not be seen for what he does give, may to feel appreciated and understood. Do you think this is a possibility? If you begin to see the situation through his eyes, what are the things that he would like to be appreciated for? Given that he is such a dedicated worker, he probably values the love language of Acts of Service. What things do you do for him that he has shared, or shown you, he appreciates? He is not going to appreciate emotional connection or support as that is not his go to. BUT, if you can start to give to him on his level, he will feel more loved and appreciated and will want to help you feel the same way.
Are you familiar with Alison Armstrong. She has a great program about Understanding men that you might enjoy. She talks about something that is really important for woman to understand. Women often see men as ‘misbehaving women” meaning they SHOULD be more like us. The reality is, they are different and when we honor and celebrate those differences men feel far more understood and respected which makes it easier for them to be vulnerable, open, and motivated to making us happy.
Sometimes we all get caught in our own pain and it is difficult to see how our defensive behaviors are affecting our spouse. I have a challenge for you to shake things up in a positive manner. Start to pay attention to the ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions that come from you towards him. Try to get the ratio up to 5 to 1 meaning that you will have 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction. 5 ways that you give to him, acknowledge his, honor him compared to each 1 negative interaction of questioning him, being critical, or distancing.
Also, here is a video by Alison Armstrong that I think you might find interesting:
Kanya
Hi Cecilia, Welcome to the forum. I can totally understand why you are confused as you are getting a lot of confusing and contradicting messages. We could spent a long time trying to figure you what is going on for him and how to help him but the reality is, you need to take care of you!
I don’t think that he has any idea about what he wants other than he wants both of you. And, he isn’t thinking through how that would affect either of you and has acted in a destructive and selfish manner. It is important that you not confuse his behavior with any type of romantic notion about what this means. At this time he will most likely just keep focusing on what satisfies his immediate needs. What do you think abut taking a step back for now? What about giving him space to figure his life out and give him space to take responsibility for his actions and behaviors? I know that fear might be that if you take a step back, and his girl friend is there for him he may choose her. But, this behavior is not okay and will continue. You need to make sure your heart is cared for and safe. Does that make sense? Tell me where you are at with all of this.
Kanya
Hi Holly, Wow, he is tuning in to your needs which is great. I think it means that he is wanting you to experience more pleasure sexually. It seems as though he has given you signals over the years that he wants to deepen your sexual relationship and try new things. Overall this will make you more emotionally connected as well. Yes, he is comfortable with the woman he works with. Has that ever stepped outside of the marriage or done anything that made you question his fidelity? I’m sensing some anxiety regarding your marriage, am I accurate? You mention so many positive things about the marriage and relationship yet I wonder if that proof of positive connection is actually able to get in for you? When you say you can’t figure out how to have that connection with your husband. Can you describe what that connection would look like if it was present? And, did you ever have that type of connection in your marriage?
You mentioned that your upbringing was conservative. What were you taught about having male friends or about husbands having platonic female friends?
Kanya
Hi Holly, Welcome to the forum! We are so glad that you are here. I can understand that you want more and I am hoping that we can help you deepen your relationship with your husband. I think that emotional intimacy is difficult for him to we will need to read between the lines a bit.
You mention that he likes to take you out and buy things for you and that he still wants to be physically intimate-all of these are great signs that he is indeed inversted in this relationship. Have you read the book “The 5 Love Languages?” It is a great place to start to learn the variety of ways that people give and receive love. It would help you perhaps understand the different ways he is already showing you that he lives you. Once you recognize the signs, it will be easier for you to compliment him and let him know how appreciative you are of all that he does give. Once someone feels appreciated they are often more willing to step out of their comfort zone and learning to give more!
While I know that reading this book will be helpful to you, I think it might be helpful to him if he is open to reading it. Do you think he is ready for something like that? Let’s take this a step at a time!
Kanya
HI Rhona, In terms of building a friendship, I suggest you do this in the same way you would build any relationship; you invest a little, a little at a time, over time. Staying in touch occasionally and actually seeing if he can keep up his side of the friendship with communications etc.
I’m curious, you seemed very resolute in your last message about not investing with this person, I’m wondering what has changed for you? I’m also wondering if you could actually be friends with him with out the potential of more being in the back of your mind?
Kanya
Hi Tracy, I am sorry that he is so shut down. You shared that you don’t think waiting for him to initiate is the way to go but in reality, are you seeing any positives to you initiating?
He will be far more inquisitive if you stopped reaching out. At this stage I am wondering if he is possibly dating someone new? Do you have any info about that?
Kanya
Hi Cassanda, Ughhh. This is complicated. First of all, I do think that you did a great job during the BBQ at implementing several of the Be Irresistible ideas! You highlighted your femininity, you communicated well, you took responsibility for your emotions, and it sounds like it was actually an enjoyable day. Did you think about asking him to take a walk so that the two of you would have some alone time to interact and talk? That seems like a reasonable request should you be int he same situation in the future.
When his mom said that, how did he respond? Did he change his behavior to accommodate her? It sounds as though he did try to kiss you goodbye which is interesting. Seems like he listens to mom when she is there’d does his own thing when she is not. Would you agree?
Can you share how you sabotaged things by inviting him to your home? Did you think that because you initiated a meeting or another reason?
I think your concerns are valid about him keeping you around without necessarily having a plan. I get the sense that you are losing interest as he hesitates in taking spots forward. Is that accurate? When can you spend one on one time together?
Kanya
Hi, Welcome to the forum, so glad that you are here. I am sorry that this has been such a long and crazy ride with this boy man. He has ghosted you multiple times including when you were pregnant with his child. I actually think that you know exactly what to do but you get confused when he comes back and says things like “Love you.” Developmentally he is about 15 years old. He is not mature enough to realize that his words and behavior affect others. He makes empty promises, comes and goes, drops the work love as though it means nothing. Then, leaves just as quickly. Forget about him loving you because he has no clue what love means and the responsibilities to care for and protect the people you love.
If you ignore his words, what does his behavior tell you is real about this person and what you can expect?
Kanya
Hi HT, I am sooo proud of you for sending that message. Isn’t it great when we do something and get immediate relief as you did after you sent the text. You didn’t leave it to him to give you closure, you figured out how to get it on your own. Well done! I’m excited to see where you go from here! Please keep us posted.
Kanya
Hi Angela, I was reading over the posts here and I read something the Heidi shared that I think is super important; All you can go by is what is happening for him TODAY.
I get that you want things to get back on track but even if that were possible, which is questionable, how would you resolve the fact that you want children and he does not? Having children is not something that you can find a compromise on. When you were together how did you imagine creating a bridge between what you want and what he wants regarding children?
Kanya
