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Hi Jennifer, It seems like there is not much to work with here. Given that you only dated for 2 months he didn’t seem to be invested enough to figure out how to juggle a long term relationship. I’m not sure that investing int his more would have any positive benefit for you and may actually create more pain for you thus adding to a belief that you are unlovable or unable to create a healthy relationship. Do you feel this may be happening to you?
I noticed that you have a second thread on the site that is related. I’ll repost it here so that we only have one thread going.
Jennifer T
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(173.245.54.80)
So I met this guy, we started chatting he seems nice. I’ve been working on all the stuff I am learning on here so when I am out and about meeting new people I try to choose my words wisely and see what happens. We have met out for drinks or coffee several mornings (yes mornings we both work nights). Mostly by accident because we go to the same places. I think he has shown interest/flirted with me) and asked me to lunch yesterday so we went out for lunch (he paid). After lunch he told me I have beautiful eyes and he loves talking with me and being able to have “intelligent” conversations for a change. I think I’m actually catching feelings even though at first it was more of an “experiment” he is a very good looking young man, someone I would normally classify as out of my league but we have great conversations and enjoy each others company so far. (It has been about a week) I know he has 2 very young children and his relationship with there mother is ending/complicated… I have no need to rush anything but definitely want to hook him. Then yesterday at lunch I asked him how old he was, I knew he had to be younger than me but hes 12 years younger than me(my friends say age is just a number). Am I crazy??? any advice on how to proceed and what I can or could or should do to continue growing this potential relationship?Jennifer, It seems like this is so new and there is so much to learn about each other. Can you take it one step at time and see what develops?
Kanya
Hi Amie, Thanks for sharing more. It sounds as though the two o you might have been trying with each other over the years but were, in essence, were speaking a different language. I highly recommend you read “The 5 Love Languages” to learn ore about the different ways individuals give and receive love. My guess is he likes verbal appreciation and you are more of an acts of service person. SO you were each giving in your own way but not valuing the giving.
I am curious about something. When you want him to validate you and see that you are hurting, do you actually communicate what is bothering you calmly so that the two of you can work it out before you got upset?
While you cannot absolutely know what he is thinking and feeling because people are complex and their emotions change regularly, you can start to show him that you have the ability t be patient and respectful of him. It is important that you communicate your needs versus expecting him to just know what you need. It is important to see the ways you push him away and expect him to fight for you AND admit these to him. Showing him a different side to you could go a very long way in this situation. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Jean, Welcome to the forum, I am so glad that you are here! It sounds as though the two of you have had moments of deep and easy connection. I am sorry to hear about all the ups and downs that the two of you have gone through. It seems like it might be a good time to actually have a conversation with him about the situation. You can do so in a non-aggressive way that simply lets hime know how you feel and also helps the two of you figure out what you want with each other. Do you think that would be easier than the way you have been approaching things even if it is outside of your comfort zone?
Kanya
Hi Tori, Welcome to the forum! you are indeed dealing with a very complicated situation, made more complicated by your children. Here is the thing-love is amazing. Is is wonderful, intoxicating, and life changing. you describe a love you had, that you had all a women could have wanted from this man. I am truly glad that you had that experience.
And, you need to be in the here and now with this man. Is he there for you? Is he there for his children? Can you could on him? Is it possible that his main focus does need to be staying out of jail, finding employment, and rebuilding? That seems to me to be the best way that he can care for his children. As I shared, this is a complicated situation. The days of being able to just focus on falling in love, well it’s changed a lot. I’m not sure how romantic he or anyone can be in the midst of trying to survive. You shared that everything was great but it appears that there were a lot of things brewing that can no longer be ignored.
You shared that you do nag, yells nd lose your temper. If the two of you decided to create a true partnership, what would be the most important things to you now that you have children? Can you make a lost of the top 5 things you need from him now to create a happy and stable life for you and your children?
Kanya
Hi Amie, Welcome tot he forum. I am so sorry that this is happening for the two of you. The little that you describe is rather common in long term marriages. It is difficult to stay connected through the raising of children, jobs, etc and couples soften become distance and will sometimes look outside the marriage for connection and acceptance.
Can you tell me what he says is missing from he marriage for him? Does he feel that he can’t please you, that the two of you argue too much, that he isn’t a priority for you? Please share more so that we can best support you. For now. I would take a step back and avoid arguing with him. Thank him for being honest and let him know that you need some time to process while we figure some things out! Looking forward to hearing back from you.
Kanya
Hi Holly, That is so great! I am glad that you are feeling more balanced in all of this-keep up the good work! We are here to support you. Please keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Jean, It is sooo difficult to know the whole story of someones currently life via text or messenger, It sounds like he had to run around to manage everything and he is exhausted. I think you handled it well but just saying sleep well. Hopefully he will have more energy when he wakes up. Do you guys mostly text and messenger? Do you FaceTime and talk on the phone as well? If so, how frequent are your conversations?
Kanya
Hi Holly, I am so happy to hear that things are resolving. I would imagine that a lot of that is related to the inner changes you are experiencing. I do hear less anxiety, less doubt in your words. I also note that your thoughts seem to have calmed significantly.
As things continue to get better I wonder if it would be helpful for you to talk to a counselor face to face to her you capitalize on your growth and the growth you are experiencing together?
Kanya
Hi Dania, AS he is already inconsistent in his responding to you I am not sure that he would be open to engaging in a conversation at this time but you can certainly ask.
Perhaps sending a message, in your own words, that communicates something like “Hi, just wanted to reach out and share that I miss you and I wish I had done a lot of things differently when we were dating. I totally get it if you have moved on, but if you are willing to talk about things or even let me know you are done, let me know. Thanks!
What do you think about sending something like that? He may not answer but that in and of itself would be an answer.
Kanya
Hi Cassandra, It sounds as though you are comfortable moving forward one step at a time – I am glad to hear this as I know you were really struggling when you first reached out to us.
I think this is a perfect time to read “A Fine Romance” as it lays out a step by step approach to building a solid and lasting relationship. Keep up the good work and I can’t wait to hear how it goes!
Kanya
Hi Dania, Thank you for the additional information! I know it is difficult to accept but it sounds as though one you moved he has moved on. While you want to ramp things up, he is moving on. I am sorry as I know you were hoping for more. As you had only been dating for 2 months, a deep relationship had not bee forged as that would have taken many months to create. I would be surprised if a more casual, early dating situation would be able to translate to a workable long term relationship. That is a really different situation that is difficult for the most seasons and close relationships.
Can you share with me why it was so hard to be more authentic with him when you were together? While I don’t think that there is a chance for the two of you, I am wondering what you can learn from this about yourself that would be helpful when you move into dating again? Let’s help you learn more about you and move out of your comfort zone so that you do things differently in the future. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Viktoria, Welcome to the forum! I am sorry that this is occurring. I know how upsetting it can be! It sounds as though his main concern is the volatility. Can you share more with me about what he is referring to?
I’m also not clear about the relationship. You have a history of friendship which is great. During those 5 1/2 months that you were talking, were you seeing each other and dating? How frequently did you see each other and hang out? What were both or your intentions for a relationship? Looking forward to hearing from you!
Kanya
Hi Dania, Welcome to the forum. I have a few questions. When you were actually seeing each other in those 2 weeks. how many time a week did you see each other? Even though you never labeled things, did you introduce each other to your family and friends? When you moved did the two of you talk about continuing things and becoming more of a relationship? Even though you have moved, is it close enough to see each other on weekends, etc?
Kanya
Hi Cassie, I love that you are open to learning to give more acknowledgment to yourself! This is soooo important when we are learning new skills and new ways of being in the world and new ways of being in a relationship! Think about how people react when a baby takes their first steps – everyone sheers even though the baby usually only takes a fee steps before falling down. The cheering and enthusiasm encourage the baby to get up and do it again and again. Acknowledging ourselves is a way that we can keep cheering for the part of ourselves that is going to fall down sometimes when learning something new.
For now it seems like continuing to spend time together and build the relationship seems like the best thing you can do. One thing that seems to be supporting this is your openness and willingness to share with him your thoughts and needs. When we can step outside of our comfort zone and do this, this creates emotional intimacy which is the foundation of a strong relationship. I know things are weird with Covid 19 but it seems like the two of you are both good with spending time tighter.
Maybe you can start to plan some hiking day trips to areas near you that you both would like to have a vacation home in someday?
Kanya
Hi Michele, Welcome to the forum! It sounds as though you both may be having some doubts. I have a few questions that will help fill out the situation a bit. How long have you been engage and living together? When you decided to get engaged, did you both have a date in mind? Were there things, at that time, that seemed like deal breakers or major issues that you are both concerned with?
Are there specific reasons that he is concerned about your fidelity other than your job? Have things occurred that are concerning for him or is this an overall concern he has with no behavior connected to it?
I’m also wondering how he is when the two of you disagree about something? You share that communication between the two of you is really strong. When you have a disagreement are you able to talk it through and get on the same page? Please also share anything else that you feel would be helpful in understanding the situation more fully. I look forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Kanya
