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Wow, I love that you realized his energy, his presence, felt like protection for you! And, I am so glad that you have now experienced that you can access that feminine part of yourself independently! I am so in awe of the work you have done. My best support to you is to keep going!!! There is more for you to discover and being more independent seems to give you the space to explore and unwind these things a bit. You are a rock star!
I hear that you are excited to be talking to BJ again but perhaps you would like to slow your roll. Going back to talking to him daily is not going to help you developed a greater relationship with yourself. You naturally seem to get drawn back in to him having something to give you that you cannot five to yourself. You wrote above that “I need him in my life because he makes me think about things I would not have otherwise thought of.” Do you think that you are stepping back into giving him more power to care for yourself or know you or support you better than you can do for yourself?
What is the plan for you in terms of your communication with him?
Kanya
Hi Cissi, When a parent remarries it can defiantly result in feelings of emotional abandonment, especially if that parent does not do a good job of balancing the two relationships. Would you life to share more so that we can help you sort through these feelings?
Kanya
Hi Mallorie, I tis interesting that he wants to go to your therapist to make sire that you are telling her the full story. I don’t think he quite understands the purpose of therapy and that it is not to pick sides but to help each person see their blind spots and the ways in which they can grow.
Perhaps you start by saying that going to your therapist is a great idea but that it would probably make more sense to go together. Hopefully your therapist will guide you both to having a couples counselor that you see together.
Do you feel as though you are getting the support you need to heal and move forward from the PTSD symptoms you have been experiencing? This is important and may be contributing to your sense of over thinking.
I think that the more you can take a step back and learn coping skills to manage your emotions the more equipped you will be to repair the marriage if he is willing. What are you doing to help with this?
Kanya
Hi Jean, I want you to know that you are doing a great job with all of this and asking some great questions! I think that you are on to something in terms of not keeping a guys attention. Woman often adapt and comfort to the guy they are with to achieve a sense of harmony and connection. In doing so, they become a less interesting person. The key to being interesting and irresistible is to maintain your sense of independence and curiosity with life. We naturally begin to make their happiness a priority which feels great to them initially but over time can lead to a lack of interest.
I support what you are doing now in terms of not making communicating with him your priority. Yes, you still seem to be focusing on getting him back and getting the relationship back on track. Would you agree? What if you really let go of that and started to focus on your own life, without him (for now) and see where you end up over the next few weeks? Ironically that would be far more interesting to him than continuing to be available to him. You really want there to be space for him to miss you and start to wonder what you are doing. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Jean, Sorry that your trip has been delayed. It is a crazy time in the work with the pandemic etc. Are the two of you communicating again and moving forward?
Kanya
Hi Mallorie, It is difficult to know how his response is going to be. He seems really shut down at this point due to past frustrations. You might start to appreciate him more which could help to bring his defenses down. I would then approach it in a way that tried to ignite his hero instinct. You can say something like “I need your help.” When he responds you can say something like “I want to make sure that we have done everything we can for ourselves and our children to get things back on track. Would you be open to seeing some who could help us learn to connect better. Even if the marriage ends at least we can learn to be better friends and parents.” And see what he says.
I’m not sure where you live but if you only have 30 days to contest or respond to the divorce filing it seems important for you to have someone advocating for you. I’d hate to see you give up your rights in the hope that he will love you more or be more willing to reconcile at some point in the future. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Cecilia, On the one hand I am sorry that it has come to this and tha he has been so abusive towards you but on another hand I am glad because you are starting to see that this is not okay, that you deserve more.
You mentioned that you think this could be related to your dad, to feeling abandoned by him. My guess is you are on to something. Are you open to exploring this a bit more. We are happy to do that with you and/or you might want to talk to a therapist as well who can help you process, grieve, and more past this. Doing so will make it easier for you to attract a loving and supportive man into your life.
Often, when we feel abandoned by a parent or close person as a child we learn to abandon ourselves emotionally. It sounds like that is what you have been doing for a long time. One way we abandon ourselves is to put others before ourselves too much. I know, we are all taught to be self less and out others first but we can’t really do that and be a full, happy, and cared for individual. You know when you are on an airplane and they say that in case of a loss of cabin pressure, the oxygen masks will come down? You need to put the oxygen mask on yourself first otherwise you won’t be able to help anyone else. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Jean, I totally understand where you are coming from. I agree that distraction can only go so far when dealing with a break up or even the space that sometimes comes in a relationship. Learning to figure out that sense of emptiness and learning to fill it up is paramount to you feel whole and secure! I think it is a great time to learn more! Do you have any friends who have done similar healing that can help guide you at this time? Have you considered working with a therapist to hep you navigate all of this? It is important that you have support at this time!
Kanya
Hi Cecilia, I think it is time to stop going to him for clarifications and answers. It seems as though he has told you a number of things that led to this decision. Yes, he is giving you mixed signals but he is also telling you specific things that do not work for him. If you are honest with yourself, do you really not understand what he is saying or are you having a difficult time accepting what he is saying? Do you think that over the course of the relationship you go to him for answers but you question those answers or continue to look for other answers? I know it is difficult to consider but I think it is important.
For now, it seems like taking a step back is the best decision. Use this time to begin to ask yourself the questions you go to him with and begin to be the wise person who can actually answer these questions. He has put up clear boundaries that he does not want to be the person answering these questions and explaining things to you. He has made it clear that this eels like too much responsibility and burden to him. Perhaps this is part of why he does not feel respected? I know these questions are difficult but I think it is important for you to tap into your growing wisdom. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Jean, these are great questions! Yes, I would take a step back. Treat him the wya you would a friend but not a best friend. Let him initiate contact and don’t make responding the priority it used to be. If you are just being friends then yes, it is best that you stop showing romantic affection as that isn’t what you would expect in friendships. Yes, it is a big change but it is best that you take the initiative to step back. This may actually surprise him and is certainly going to effectively get his attention. Then he will get to deal with the reality that things have indeed changed. How are you doing with all of this? How are you taking care of yourself?
Kanya
Hi Jennifer, I think that is a great idea! In my experience taking your time in the beginning can lead to a very deep and abiding connection. How are you feeling about the age difference? I agree with your friends that age this just a number. Inside we are all ageless!
Kanya
Hi Melissa,I really acknowledge how committed you are to doing things in a new way. That says a lot about you and your maturity! I can totally understand why you are fearful of his next steps. He is clearly struggling on a lot of levels. My guess is he has some attachment issues that sometimes get in the way of him communicating fully and even understanding what he is feeling and why. I encourage you to stay the course and not participate in any erratic decisions. Most likely something did happen when he was with his family that day which has triggered some painful feelings about himself, his value, and his lovability. As a result he is in his cave and pushing you away. As I shared, stay steady and loving. With time I hope he will manage his emotional discomfort so that he can let you get close to him again.
It is really important to take care of yourself and get support right now. Who is on team Melissa these days? Who is reminding you how amazing you are?
Kanya
Hi Amie, Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing? You have such high intentions to do things differently and I admire you for that! In my experience you will do better with as much support as possible. Who is on your team helping you with these changes? Have you considered working with a therapist as you make these changes? My sense is there reactions are habitual and some help understanding them will go a long way to shifting them.
I’m also wondering if you have ever explore meditation or mindfulness? Do so is a great way to slow tings down and learn to respond differently to stressful situations. There are a lot of great apps that can help. I’ve been using Calm a lot lately and really like it. It is easy and has a lot of different options to hep you relax and quiet your thinking. Would you be open to giving something like that a try?
Kanya
Hi Amie, It is really, really hard. The thing is, you let your emotions be in charge for so long that they did a significant amount of damage to the relationship. We don’t know if he is going to give the marriage another try. He likes what he sees but doesn’t believe if will last. The best thing you can do at this point is to keep showing him the ways in which you have changed. Do it for so long that he starts to wonder if the changes are real. And, learn to give to him more, compliment him, listen, and respect him. All of this will go a long way.
Right now you are in limbo which is incredibly scary but avoid the tendency to push to a conclusion. Make this about becoming a better partner and person. Developing those skills will serve you well even if the marriage ends as you will be able to positively change all of your relationships!
Kanya
