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Hi Dalia, what do you think about just talking to him about the situation? Something like “You seem a little off, is everything okay?” and then just wait and listen.
When did he start referring to you as a friend? Is he treating you like a friend or a friend with benefits?
Kanya
Hi S, I can understand your desire to feel special, valued. That is something that we all deserve. The first place to find that feeling is with your relationship with yourself. Are you valuing yourself in this situation? Are you taking care of your heart in this situation? When it comes from you first these decisions are easier to make and it is easier to walk away when someone has shown you that they aren’t able to give you what you want AND deserve!
You asked “how do i deal with guys who seem to ignore texts meant to activate their Hero instinct?” You stop trying to engage them and move on. He is married and that is the biggest red flag there is. He has cheated before, and will do so again. Rather than feeling less than because he didn’t cheat twitch you, what if you started to see how lucky you are that you dodged a really complicated and painful situation. He is clear that his past cheating situations lasted for about 2 years and then they ended. As painful as this situation is, being with someone and developing deeper feelings, deeper hopes and dreams only to have it taken away from you would be far worse.
What ever door was briefly opened is closed now. Trying to force the door open is not a good use of your energy. Instead, what if you focus on building your support system with family and friends so that you don’t feel so alone? What if you start to get out and meet new men who are actually single and available. Is there something about that which feels scary or even impossible?
Kanya
Hi Cassie, Wow, so much has shifted. While you are using tried and true techniques, you are the one applying them, learning from them, and mastering them! I love that you are seeing the positive shifts in the connection and in the relationship so quickly!
You said it, and he said it back! That is so great. I acknowledge your courage in all of this. It wasn’t long ago that you were thinking of ending things because of various concerns. Now things appear to be on track!
Do you guys have a trip planned for the summer?
Kanya
Hi Roxanne, I really acknowledge you for your honesty and insight. You are really going for it with in terms of getting to know yourself better and to understanding the relationship on a deeper, more comprehensive level. I can understand why this feels complicated to you–it is complicated. I love that your partner does come back, reconnect, and is working with things. That says a lot about him and his commitment to learning and growing.
It is also important to realize that the PTSD influence is going to continue in his life and subsequently, in your relationship. I do think you need to be able to voice your thoughts and opinions in the moment at times and it will be important to truly find your voice. The fact that you are avoiding expressing yourself for fear that he will go away is a concern. Does he understand this pattern is in place? Have you dealt with this pattern in other relationships? Even though it is difficult, it is important to share this with him and see if he can work on shifting this together.
Kanya
Hi Vindha, I love that you are getting a chance to ask questions and see that it is a good ting! Asking questions is actually a way of asking for help and we all need to be able to ask for help. Otherwise, we are struggling to do things on our own when in reality, there is an abundance of help and support all around us!
In terms of BJ…I love that you have the ability to turn negatives into positives. I love that you are willing to learn from everything and use everything for your learning, upliftment,a nd growth. Those qualities are limitless. But, I do caution you to avoid making any behavior acceptable. Even though you have the ability to learn from everything, that doesn’t mean that all behavior from others is acceptable. You get to say when enough is enough. You deserve to have what you want, the partnership that you want. Take care not to settle for less simply because you can learn from that behavior. Make sense?
Kanya
Hi Cecilia, I can understand why it is confusing at times. It would be confusing for anyone in this situation. THa tis one of the benefits of taking some space right now. It gives you time to sort things out yourself and it gives you time to really let go of any part of you that might be hoping, unconsciously, that this will become something more some day.
What comes up for you that makes it diffucult to move on and truly be casual friends at this time?
Kanya
Hi Hese, No need to be hard on yourself! We all have areas in out lives that are easier to navigate, and others that take more effort. When we decide to takin a learning approach to life, learning becomes a life long endeavor! You are doing such an amazing job with all of this. You really are learning to advocate for yourself. I suggest you continue to watch for any ways that you might continue to put his welfare, his needs above your own. There were times that this seemed to be occurring in what you shared. Do you agree?
It sounds like that was a powerful, and sometimes difficult, conversation to have. I like that you saw when you were triggered and did such a great job in managing those triggers! I absolutely see progress in you as well! You really are standing up and advocating for yourself in a new way. Being authentic looks really good on you lol
Can you share the ways in which you are validating yourself these days? Do you have a daily practice of self acknowledgment or gratitude?
Kanya
Vindoha, Thank you so much for sharing your powerful experience! You have so found your voice! I am so proud of you!!! I love that you are so aware of what you were feeling and how different that was to what you would have felt in the past. This is something you have been working towards and I believe the strength of your voice will continue to grow! The new you will become the newer you as this idea of growth and evolvement continues to occur!
I am curious, have you seen the new you in work or connections with your family and friends?
Kanya
Hi Kayla, I acknowledge that you are aware that you really care for this person deeply. It sounds as though you love him and want to create a relationship with him. Yet, if I am understanding you correctly you are willing to be with him anyway so I am wondering how you will work with your emotions when he gets uncomfortable with your deep feelings? Are you planning on learning how to love him less deeply? Overall this situation feels a little sad and i wonder the degree to which you are going to need to cut off or turn off parts of yourself to be with him? When you were together did you feel as though you needed to make you happy or him happy?
Kanya
Hi Cecilia, Wow, you are doing such great work on yourself. I really acknowledge you as I know that is not easy! In terms of working to heal the codependency, I would suggest one of my all time favorite books by Pia Melody, “Facing Codependence.” She does such a fabulous job of explaining what it is and the ways to shift it. It is such a great book I really wish kids in high school had a mandatory class on relationships and this book would definitely be required reading!
I totally hear that it is difficult to know how to move forward. I do think that some space and distance would be a good thing here. You shared that it is difficult to end the communication. There are many aspects to this but I do know that until you rally break from him, you won’t be able to start to heal your heart and move on. Many times we keep the communication going because we have a difficult time tolerating the emotions that some with letting go. IT sounds like this might be part of it for you.
You shared that is these situations you often over think about what happened and what you could have done differently. Perhaps that is the place you start to focus. Yes, you will wonder but you can, over time, develop a loving, adult voice who is comforting and supportive. When you start to feel like you did something wrong you can start to say to yourself “You did such a great job. You don’t need to be perfect to be lovable. You are lovable no matter what!” Keep using your words to comfort and support. You may notice a lot of different emotions coming up. That is normal and you will be okay! I think the book I mentioned earlier will really help with the overthinking as well.
When he answers, just be short with your response. You can even just send a thumbs up and leave it at that. Your focus needs to shift from making him feel better to making you feel better and getting some space to become whole and happy. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Adriana, Welcome to the forum! This is something that happens frequently. It would help me to know more about things. How long were you dating? Was that the first time he pushed you out? Was there any type of argument or disagreement ahead of time that contributed to this? At this point, how frequently do you text or see each other? I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Kayla, Thanks for sharing a bit more information. I’m wondering what has changed that you are now open to having an open relationship with this man? Does she treat you any differently? Can you see you and her being friends? How do you imagine this will work?
From my perspective this is a ridiculously complicated situation that hols a lot of opportunity for jealously, pain, and frustration. What is driving you to reconnect?
Kanya
Hi Jean, I’m glad that communication is opening up again. Any word on when you will be able to travel to the US?
Kanya
Hi Neelma, Welcome to the forum! I am sorry that the two of you are going through this. It sounds like it has been really confusing for you and I can totally understand why. He is giving you mixed signals. He is not being honest when he says that he is too busy to communicate. Clearly he is communicating with other people. other women, though out the day. He is making time when he wants to and talking to the people he wants to.
You did a great job of asking him about this early on. His response was concerning as he did not take responsibility for his actions and behaviors. Instead, he got angry and said he didn’t like to be questioned. That is a really big red flag. He got caught being dishonest and instead of taking responsibility for that, he turned it around and judged your behavior.
He responded in the same way when he was once again caught in a lie. Now, I hear you taking 100% responsibility for things falling apart between the two of you. Does that strike you as odd? Do you believe that he should be focusing on the issue or him being dishonest?
Kanya
