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Hi Marina, Welcome to the forum, we are so glad that you are here!
It sounds like the two of you have been through a lot in the past few months. I think that going from a face time connection to doing weekends may have been to quick. It seems like the two of you skipped several steps in building this relationship. I wonder if that was what he was alluding to on your birthday weekend? Then, 2 weeks later you guys were spending another weekend together.
Once he said he was overwhelmed, did the two of you talk about other options to spending time together like meeting in the middle and simply spending a few hours together? There are different ways to build a relationship and being together all the time, even though you still don’t know each other, seems like it may have been too much. It’s like you went directly into a relationship. Then, when he wanted a weekend on his own he questioned that. It is normal to want a weekend on your own, even when you are in a happy relationship. Do you think that he felt like he would upset you or disappoint you if he slowed things down?
Kanya
Hi Cecilia, I think a lot of people are feeling stuck but also unclear about next steps these day. I wonder if it would help if you just picked one area to start with. You could take some time journaling about what that area of your life. That might inspire more thoughts and ideas to come to the surface. Then, you can start to make small changes and set a series of small goals to work towards. If you could pick one area to start with, which one would it be? I recommend you pick a small but meaningful goal to start.
Kanya
Hi S, It is so interesting that you are talking about using a journal versus typing out your thoughts as I literally ordered a new journal earlier today! I did some journaling and was amazing at how powerful it was. Much more powerful than typing it out. I know it sounds weird and probably seems unnecessary but it really does make a difference. Please give it a try and let us know what you notice! Keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Cassandra, I am so glad to hear that he was able to tune in to what you needed after time with the kiddos and that the two of you enjoyed some down time. That says a lot about your connection. It sounds like you are doing a grate job letting the occasional space be okay with you and when he does reach out-wow, you are giving him some wonderful positive reinforcement!
Isn’t it interesting that things shifted for you once you talked. SO many women fear that initiating those conversations can ruin things. In my experience, when you do talk about those things in an accepting and non-threatening manner, they are usually really well received. Please do give yourself credit for all the progress you have, and continue, to make. It sounds like you are both really comfortable taking this a step at a time, getting to know each other, growing in your comfort to express your feelings. It really is inspirational!
I am so glad that the two of you are enjoying yourselves and getting some much needed social time in. It will be interesting to see how he interacts with all of your friends. Please report back!
Kanya
Hi Kathryn, It sounds like there is potential but that the timing is off. When the two of you were reconnecting it was with the assumption that you would be living in the same town at some point in the near future. That has changed and the future is up in the air. I get the sense that he might be overwhelmed trying to figure out so many things in his life at once. In reality, his life has been turned upside down and he may need more time getting things in order before he can really build a relationship. Does that make sense?
What if you did take a step back, refocus on getting to know each other and developing a closer friendship. Sometimes allowing things to unfold more slowly is important. What do you think?
Kanya
Hi Cissi, You shared a great piece of information. You shared that in the past men have left the relationship, often for other women. This has left you feeling as though you are not enough. Usually this is the type of pattern that starts in childhood. It can be based on adults in our lives actually treating us that way but it can also occur when we, as little tikes, make decisions about ourselves based on what is happening around us. If you think back to your life when you were really young, do you remember feeling this way? DO you remember feeling as though you were not enough? DO you remember frrling like others were loved or valued more than you?
There is something called the CBT triangle. It talks about how your thinking influences your emotions which is turn influence how you behave including your decisions and the people that you choose to date. That means that if we think and feel that we are not enough we often attract people who will reinforce those thought and feelings. We don’t even know we are doing it, it’s just natural. So, it’s important to understand your own thoughts and feelings and be aware of what you truly want. Then, when you see a red flag address is with the person you are dating and if they can’t change how they treat you then it is time to move on.
There is a great book that explains this more fully by Harville Hendrix called “Getting the Love you Want.” I think it would be really useful in so many ways. Are you open to exploring your patterns a bit more?
Kanya
Hi, I really acknowledge you for all your amazing insights! You’re doing a great job with a difficult situation and are asking some important questions.
First, learning to feel and process your feelings is not easy but is very doable once you understand how. Depending on how we were raised, we are trained in childhood to handle our emotions in the way that those around us do. We may have parents who are really connected to their emotions or parents who are disconnected. Our parents are just human beings doing the best that they can, usually based on how they were taught by their parents. It is up to us, as adults, to take our emotional intelligence to the next level.
There are a few steps to address what is going on inside. First, give yourself time and space to explore what you are feeling. Taking a break from all the distractions that can help us tune out our emotions is important. Make time every day to sit or walk quietly. There are a variety of ways to write about what you are feeling. You can keep a journal in the traditional sense and document your thoughts and feelings. You can also do free form writing where you use write out intense emotions, not worrying about grammar or word choice. When you feel complete the exercise, rip up the pages and throw them away. You could do this on a daily basis if you feel a back up of emotions.
You might also consider working with a therapist. They can teach you a variety of ways to address what is going on inside. Another benefit is that they will also help to normalize what you’re thinking and feeling and help you put things into place, so to speak. Do you think you can try one of the journaling exercises I talked about and let us know what the experience was like for you?
Kanya
Hi Roxanne, I just want to understand your concerns…since he has said that he has connection with those type of people you are concerned that he may ask one of them to hurt you? I should like at whether or not this is truly realistic. While he seems to get angry at times, as you said he isn’t dangerous or vengeful. It doesn’t seem as though this is a viable concern though I might be missing something.
How are you doing with more attention? Do you still nt space from him? If so, how are you managing this?
Kanya
I love, love, love that you are able to be authentically you! There is no one as amazing as the you that you are. I know, I sound like a Dr. Seuss book, but it is true! Do you experience joy when you are in that place of authenticity?
I love your non-negotiable list. I can tell that you really thought this through and a lot of thought, and heart, went into it! For me, the base of integrity is being honest, trusting someone to keep their work, do what they say and say what they do. Make sense? In terns of intelligent versus wisdom- I think intelligence is more about the ability to learn and put learning into practice. Wisdom is more about inner knowing, or ageless knowing. There are parts of us that know things even if we don’t know how or why. Sometimes out wisdom tells us to do something that may be agains what makes the most sense. Have you even had that experience? Yet, in the end, trusting our wisdom is often more important that intelligence.
I agree that a sense of humor is super important! It can help us get through really difficult and confusing times. And, it can help us remember the whimsical aspects of life.
How does it feel to have such a clear and comprehensive list?
Kanya
Hi Emile, ughh moving. I am really impressed that you have found the way to minimalism! I am a bit of a pack rat and have an intention to really clean out my house room by room and let go of what I don’t use or need. Now that the drop off places are open again, I will be making a lot of trips to drop off old treasures!
I really acknowledge you for learning to manage those uncomfortable feelings when dating someone who is not as available as you would like. You’ve really grown and matured which has a profound effect on the relationship. I also get the sense that you have learned hot to support yourself and rely on family and friends for support. Would you agree? I’m wondering if the benefits go beyond this into other areas of your life as well?
Kanya
HI Ceclia, I am soooo sorry about your cat. I went through this a few months ago with my dog and it is complicated. We love our furry family members so much and it is so strong to make the decision to let them go. I have a view tht might be a little different that i would like to share. Just like it has been my job to care for my dogs while they are healthy and young, it is equally important for me to care for them when they are old, maybe sick, and unable to enjoy their lived anymore. When I began to see that letting them go when surrounded by love and support is a final gift that I can give to them. I’m not sure if that will resonate with you but I wanted to share an idea that has brought me a lot of comfort in these situations.
I am glad that he was able to be there for you and it sounds like he did so in a ‘friend’ way versus a boyfriend way. Does that make sense? I can understand that radical trust is difficult. I think the trick is to be able to trust the biggest picture of life; even if things don’t work out with him, you will find your partner and build that partnership together. I know it if difficult to imagine given how you feel for him but that will change as you get more distance from the situation.
Have you even had the experience of being crazy for a guy then, after you have really moved on, looking back and wondering why you were so hooked? Once the chemical soup clears in your brain it is much easier to see the person, and the situation, more clearly. Take care of yourself now and maybe go to family and friends for support and take a break from the time and connection with him. And yes, trust that even though this is difficult, you are going to be better, happier, etc. on the other side of all of this!
Kanya
Hi Dalia, It sounds like the two of you were both clear about wanting to enjoy each other and your time together. That is a great start! Rather than asking him if you still make him smile, I would go with what Heidi suggested and tell him that he still makes you smile!
The reason I say this is because some people view talking about things or working on the relationship in a negative way. So, telling him he still makes you smile lets him know that even if you are having a conversation, you are still happy with him and he is having a positive affect on you. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Vino, Isn’t it interesting to look back on the past 6-9 months. Things have been really tumultuous for so many of us, even before the pandemic. It is a really good time to ground and find the stability in our lives as I sense more change is coming.
I love the quote you referred to about at the end of the day wanting to feel cherished. My challenge for you is, how are the ways you are cherishing yourself these days. When we learn to give this to ourselves, life really does change in amazing ways!
Kanya
Hi Ceclia, I believe that regret is a choice. Doing what is right for you is the way to value and care for yourself. If you are imagining that you will regret taking space, that you will be missing out on an amazing opportunity then it will be difficult to let yourself consider other options. This is the vision Heidi was asking about. If you moved into a place of radical trust, what could you be thinking about this situation? Can you imagine a positive outcome for you even if he is not in your life? That seems important to start to create that type of vision. Have you ever created a vision board for your romantic relationship?
Kanya
