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Hi Dalia, I can understand why you are questioning his original intentions. It sounds like this is not new to him and so he did have a sense of his hesitancy before the two of you got together. I am so sorry that he was not able to be more honest with you from the start. This is an example of why it is super important to get to know someone before getting involved or even imagining where things could go. Most people do not present themselves accurately from the outset. It isn’t a flaw so much as human’s desire to be ready for relationships and bring their best self forward.
The good news is, 6 months is not a long period of time in that it is good to find out now rather than let it drag out. Are you able to refocus on what is next?
Kanya
Hi Cissi, It is good to see that you tend to hold on to people and things. Honestly, I am the same way. You are clearly loyal and have the fortitude to give all to your relationships. It sounds like you are clear that you really are in a just friends place with him and are taking the steps to continue with that. I am glad that on this you are clear. Keep taking care of yourself and know we are here to support you! Who else is on your support team these days?
Kanya
Hi Kim, I am so inspired by your commitment to your own work-that is fabulous! Given that this guy is not really there for more than something casual, as you saying that you can get in alignment with that? From what you initially shared you were feeling pretty miserable with the current situation. If you want to be in a committed relationship it is important that your actions be in alignment with that desire and goal.
If you were to do so, how would that change your time with this guy?
Kanya
Hi Vino, I guess I am confused. I thought you were agreeing with Heidi’s assessment that you are using JB to keep you company and fill some of the voids in your life? And, that you were on board with learning to fill those voids yourself. Did I miss something?
Kanya
Hi Brittany, Welcome to the forum. I’m so sorry that this is happening. Can you share more about your relationship? Based on the timing you shared it sounds like you only knew each other for a few months before you got pregnant. Is that accurate? How old are you both and do you live together, just the 3 of you, with other family members, etc?
The transition to having a baby is huge for any couple and takes time. It is common that the focus shifts from nurturing the couple to nurturing the baby in the first year of the baby’s life. Have you noticed that shift in your focus? What changes has he talked about that are really difficult for him to manage? DO you feel that you both have spent the time and energy building your relationship?
Does your man have any positive role models for sticking with a relationship and working through difficult times?
Kanya
Hi Johanna, You absolutely Can do it! I think that the anxiety you feel in other areas of life seems to catch up with you where your guy is concerned too. Is that accurate? I love that you know what activities help you feel calm and confident. It is important to do more of them these days.
When he is not available to you, and you feel abandoned, it is important that you not abandon yourself. When you fall apart, assume you are unlovable, tell yourself that he isn’t interested, etc. you are feeding the anxiety and fear. Doing so is a way that you abandon yourself. We all do it to one extent or another but it is important to learn effective ways to support yourself when the inner critic voice comes out.
Here is one exercise you can try. Take a piece of paper and fold it down the middle. ON one side write the word ‘fear’ and on the other side write the word ‘fact.’ If the fear is, “my boyfriend doesn’t love me anymore and is going to break uo with me” write that in the fear column. Then, in the fact column write down all the reason you know that is not true such as;
he keeps telling me he wants to be with me
he has always told me the truth
he just needs to finish up his exams
finishing his exams and doing well will help us build a future together
etc.Eventually you will see that there is far more evidence that everything is fine. It is important that you develop the calm, supportive voice that can combat the fear. All couples need to learn how to balance togetherness with independence. It seems like this is a good opportunity for you to begin to strengthen the wise voice inside of you.
Can you make a list now of all the reasons you know he does care for you?
Kanya
Hi Dalia, I’m so sorry about that. I’m glad that you said something so that he didn’t keep stringing you along. How are you doing?
Kanya
Hi Kim, I am so sorry that your marriage was like that. You must have felt very lonely and perhaps even unlovable at times. That can certainly take a toll on someone after just a shirt period of time but 20 years is a very long time. I do think you have some trauma related to that. I encourage you to work with a therapist, perhaps someone who does inner binding work, to help you open the path ways of self love and compassion. This is vital to have first before it is time for another relationship. Can you see how the longing for connection to another person is making you settle for something that clearly does not work for you?
It must be really difficult for you to imagine that you could have more with someone who is actually there for you. The thing is, unless you give yourself a chance to find it, you will always be longing. This person has given you false ideas about who he is and what he is capable of. He waited to tell you he is afraid of having a relationship until after you spent the weekend together. In doing so, he set the stage to get his needs met regardless of how this hurt and affected you. Do not wait for him to treat you better. Begin to treat yourself better. I think that he is someone who will continue to trigger your sense of not feeling loved. I think you have had enough of that feeling and experience. What if you simply say no and take the time to really connect with yourself and develop a loving relationship with you? Of course it is scary to do something like that but I get the sense that you may be far more brave than you are giving yourself credit for being.
What are you doing that is making you feel stronger these days? Are you doing any type of physical training that is stretching you in new ways? Let’s see if we can find some ways to help you see how strong and resilient you really are.
Kanya
Hi America, Welcome to the forum! I want to encourage you to stop seeing yourself as broken. Your heart make be broken, but you are not broken. You are a strong, capable young woman. Don’t let a break up break you!
If I am understanding this correctly, when he was away you felt connected to him. You could not always talk but when you did talk communication was easy and open. Then, he came back. Would you say that your expectations or him and of your interactions changed at this point? What did you expect from him once he was back? Is it possible that he has a different vision and this difference in expectations is what brought up tension in the relationship?
When he did not meet your expectations how did you speak to him about it? How did he respond? A bit more information would be helpful!
Kanya
Hi Vino, It is great that you can see that time with JB helps to distract you from missing you kids. We all need distractions but am wondering if there would be value in letting yourself feel those feelings a bit more. As your kids get older you are moving into a new developmental stage and it is important to grieve and celebrate that transition. Does that make sense? Can you see that there is some grieving or processing available to you in all of this?
BJJ is an amazing workout! That is great that you are continuing with it. I often find that when I do something that makes me feel strong physically, it affects my emotional and mental strength as well. Have you found that with yourself?
Kanya
Hi Cissi, I understand the confusion. He is giving you a lot of mixed signals. On the one hand he says he can’t see the two of you in a serious relationship and that you aren’t the love of his life. On the other hand, he is reminiscing about the positive experiences you have had in the past and initiating sex. This is a good example of him not caring for your heart and your feelings.
Yes, I do think he senses you pulling away and tries to get your attention. The thing is, you get to decide what your participation level is going to be. It is perfectly acceptable to not respond for several hours, overnight, etc. You are not obligated to him in any way. If you want to continue to spend time with him and manage the mixed signals you may feel better if you try to see him in the way that he sees you. Meaning, he is not investing in this as a romantic relationship and neither should you. Try to give a little less than him, and not take any advances or signs of interest seriously. Even as I write this I can see that this would be difficult if not impossible for you. In the end I just see you getting more hurt and confused.
You do need to decide what works for you. I do encourage you to look at your fears of not having him in your life so that it is really a choice you are making. When we react or hold on because of a sense of fear or lack we are not making a choice. Does that makes sense? And I would encourage you to stop trying to figure him out. Look instead at what his actions are telling you. Not the small amount of interest he is showing you now, but his overall actions and behavior.The reality is you could waste years of your life waiting for something that never comes with this person.
What if you took a 30 day break from him. Let him know you are taking a break, don’t wait for his permission, just the that time for you. Yes, it will be really difficult and will bring up a lot of emotions. That is the time to feel those feelings and process them so that you get to the other side. In general are you someone who tends to hold on to things and people or let them go and grieve?
Kanya
Hi Johanna, Welcome to the forum. This is striking me as very complicated from the outset. Did you ever feel light and carefree? If so, when and why do you think things felt light?
It seems that you are anxious about the attachment and his feelings for you. Even if he were to reassure you 100 times a day, until you learn to let that reality in, you will continue to question it, will continue to rely on him too much for your emotional well being. There is a great book that I want you to get called “How to be an Adult in Relationship.” It explains so many thing about how to be in a relationship that I actually think kids in high school should be required to take a class and learn all about it!
It is vital that you learn coping skills to calm yourself down and trust his words. And, it is vital to know that you are lovable, even if he needs to focus on something else, and that you can have a healthy relationship that allows you to each be part of a couple and be individuals. Have you considered working with a therapist to help you develop better coping skills and learn to manage your emotions better? I think now would be a great time to do that. Can you get the book today and start reading it as it sounds like he will need 2 more weeks to finish his exams.
Kanya
Hi, welcome to the forum. We need a lot more information to understand what this could mean. Please tell us more about the relationship, past interactions, disagreements, etc.
Your response will differ depending on what you want. Do you want to get back together? If so, suggest that you meet for coffee and discuss what he is saying. I would avoid continuing this conversation via text as it is too important to do so. Make sense?
Kanya
Hi Cissi, I can’t imagine how hurt and confused you are at this point. He is treating you so poorly. It’s as if he doesn’t have a clue about how his words and behavior affect you. I am so, so sorry. It is important to really own that you deserve more that he is capable of giving you. He keeps saying the other woman is the love of his life? If the is really the case, why aren’t they together. There are a number of things he is doing to reel you in but only so far and then he pushes you away. I can only imagine how this is affecting your self esteem at this point.
Have you though about taking a big step back and giving yourself some time to acclimate to life without him? I think it would be really difficult to set and keep boundaries with him as he seems to walk all over them. It is super important to get clear inside of yourself what it is you want. Knowing who he is is very important. I get that you want him to be different but he is who he is. He will continue to come and go. He will take parts of you that he wants and needs, regardless of how it affects you. The way he treated you the other night is not acceptable. He treated you like a booty call even though he knows how you feel about him. And, he will continue to try to do that.
So, what do you want? You want a healthy, loving relationship, right? While you want that with him, he won’t give it to you. Going back to him for that over and over again is like going to a poison well for clean what. He doesn’t have what you want, need, and deserve. I get that it is hard to leave something, even if it isn’t healthy or satisfying, and go into something that feels like a void. But as scary as that is, that void holds far more potential than staying in this situation.
He will send fun texts, he will say he is thinking about you, he will reference good times you have had etc. but, pau attention to what his behavior is telling you. His behavior says he is uninterested in a serious or long term relationship. He has said that he doesn’t have deep love feelings for you. Know that he is able to be playful, watch TV, cuddle and even have sex with NO emotional connection or responsibility. Step into your own power and ability to say no, to set boundaries, to walk away. The reality is, if he doesn’t know you are amazing, if he can’t see this, then it is time for you to take responsibility for yourself and your emotional safety. That is absolutely you’re right. Are you ready to do that?
Kanya
Hi Cecilia, I can understand that it is difficult but I think that it is important for you to choose an area to work on. You making the choice will be empowering and will make it easier to maintain movement towards you goals. Maybe you start by making a list of the areas that you feel stick in and see which one has the most juice for you. Then, journal more and begin to imagine what you would like to create. You can create a vision board to help you clarify your visions. Set aside 20 minutes a day to do this and I believe that things will soon begin to clarify.
In terms of him reaching out and talking about the trip; do you think he is hinting that he wants to reconnect and get back together? Do you trust that he is actually ready for that? I would continue to let him lead, respond when he initiates, but don’t be the one suggest a meeting. Let him work harder at getting things back on track. Do you think you can being a high level of patience to this situation?
Kanya
