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Hi Cece, I am glad that you aren’t initiating anymore. Even though it is difficult, it is important to put up more and more boundaries. Just so you know, you also do not need to respond to his texts. You owe this person nothing. I think he is incapable of being alone and when he and his GF have a tiff he will contact you to be his therapist once again. If they take a break, he may want to hang out with you. All of this will be a pull on you so it is vital to close these doors now.
I get the sense that you are confused. On the one hand you say that you only want to be friends but I also hear you saying that you are holding on to people and not giving up hope. Have you determined what you are hoping for? It is vital that you be realistic with what is possible from him and this situation. Are you a romantic at heart? The reason I ask is that there is an aspect here of wanting to see the potential of him and the situation. The issue is, he doesn’t care about his potential. He is just in emotional survival mode. He will do anything to get his needs met as immediately as possible. And, he will not care about how his behavior affects anyone else. That means, you need to care about your feelings and say no to anyone who can, and will, continue to provide emotional pain to you. How does that concept feel to you?
Kanya
Hi Katherine, Welcome to the forum! You are asking a great question. I agree with the lean back method, especially in the begining. Men need to work at getting your attention and time in order for them to truly value the connection. Is sounds as though you are doing a great job letting him initiate. I also think you have done a great job communicating that you will not sleep with him until you are exclusive. While you re not applying pressure, he may be putting some pressure on himself. This is a good thing as he will need to decide if he can show up and wait for something. If he can’t, that is on him to you! We live in a world where people have immediate gratification needs that are often unrealistic. I think it is great that you are trusting yourself and advocating for what you need.
There are a few things that you can do to encourage him. It’s called Igniting his Hero Instinct. Basically you think of something that he can help you with – it can be in person help such as moving something or fixing something. It can also be help as in getting his opinion on something. If you want to spend time with him I would suggest asking for his help with something in person. After you have thought it through, send him a text that simply says “I need your help.” When he responds, make your request. After he has helped you, literally tell him he is your hero and gush a bit at how awesome he is! You want him to feel like a Knight in Shining Armor who has just saved the day!
There is also a way to use compliments that get his attention and help him to feel more motivated. Here is a link to an article that James wrote on this subject.
I suggest you ignite his hero instinct first, the provide some amazing compliments for him! Try these techniques and let us know what happens!
Kanya
Hi Cece, I’m going to be brutally honest with you. This is a highly toxic situation. This is not someone to be friends with. This is someone to block, to end all communications, etc. He is cheating on her and asking you to keep it a secret. He is giving mixed signals then getting mad at you for being confused. There is no reasoning with this person. There is no way to be clear. He is really messed up and that will not change. Period. Time to cut ties and move on. YEs, it will be painful. Yes, you will grieve. Yes, it will happen eventually but why would you keep going back for more after all the lies and the hurt you have already experienced? The negative far outweighs any positive at this point.
So, what is stopping you from ending this painful situation?
Kanya
Hi Vin, How interesting. You just wrote that you like to write letters and send cards to family and friends. What do you think of the possibility of writing BJ an actual letter? Perhaps he will write back to. It is such a different experience than texting or emailing. Seems like it might be kind f fun and romantic?
Kanya
Hi Daisha, Welcome to the forum! We are so glad that you are here. I am sorry that you are dealing with a confusing situation. I think that several aspects of this need to slow down. First, you guys really didn’t know each other before you both decided that you were in a relationship, that you were boyfriend and girlfriend. Sometimes people to this because it is easier than allowing yourself to feel vulnerable when you are getting to know someone. It seems like this is what occurred. The two of you determined you were boyfriend and girlfriend before you met and got to know each other. You spend time getting to know each other first so that you can determine if it is a good fit, if it naturally developed into more.
When you just ahead, people will often to out when things become challenging in some way. That appress to have happened here. My guess is he started to feel pressure to be your boyfriend in terms of what that meant to you. I know that must be really confusing because he is the one that initiated a commitment, right? I wonder if this came from a lack of experience with relationships? In some ways it feels like what teenagers would do versus adults who have become more comfortable getting to know someone slowly.
Looking back, was he ready to become physically intimate? Was this the thing that felt like it was moving too quickly? You seemed to be attaching emotionally and having a difficult time being away from him early on. Would you agree? Can you see any way in which you were moving too quickly, any way that he may have felt pressure?
I think it is safe to text that you are not mocking him, that you agree to be friends at this point as you would like to continue to get to know him. Do you feel comfortable doing that?
Kanya
Hi Amanda, I am sorry about the sexual trauma. I really acknowledge all the effort you have put into healing in the past 3 years and it sounds as though you have made a lot of progress. The fact that you are now choosing a loving, patient, and non-manipulative man shows your commitment to you!
It makes sense to me that you lack relationships skills as you haven’t have the opportunity to develop them with the men you have dated in the past. It remains to be seen if you will have the opportunity with this man as he is sometimes aloof which is sort of the opposite of the men that you have dated who were controlling. Have you had the opportunity to be curious and ask about your guys tendency to ignore texts? I’m really curious as to what he will say as I am sure you are as well.
When you two do hang out, do you do so with friends and coworkers? Just wondering if he has had the opportunity to interact with other people in your life so that he can see that he does fit in?
Kanya
Hi Nadine, I agree with Heidi in that not contacting him is best at this point. There isn’t anything that you could write that would show your strength because writing in general, when he is not responding, is showing him something else. As you continue to reach out and suggest another chance he is most likely feeling pressure – even if that is not what you want to communicate.
I would wait for 30 days before texting. Give him a lot of space and see if he starts to feel more comfortable reaching gout to you. Men will be far more intrigued if a woman stops showing interest than if she keeps showing interest. Also, giving yourself 30 days helps you readjust and find you balance without him again. This is super important as I agree that he may be sensing an emotional neediness as you suggested.
I know that 30 days will be hard but I also know that you can do it! Then, if you choose to send a message, keep it very light and care free. A quick hello with no mention of missing him or wanting to see him in the best way to start – after waiting 30 days. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Amanda, Thanks for sharing more. Even though you have a number of things to deal with, improving the way you communicate about these issues is super important. I encourage you to take Heidi’s suggestion and open up a different kind of conversation with him. It is a technique that you can apply to any question or challenge that you might face.
You mention that the two of you have been friends for 8 years but I’m not sure if he has ever met your family? Do you agree with him that your family may not accept him or think he is good enough for you? I’m wondering how much of an issue that might turn out to be for the two of you? Also wondering how old you both are and what your past relationship experience has a been like.
I also want to address your past sexual trauma. First, I am glad that you are not allowing this to define you. I’m also wondering if you’ve gotten any support from a trained therapist or counselor? Doing so could really help you heal the past and move forward feeling strong and safe. Have you gotten this level of support in the past? If not, would you consider doing do? Looking forward to hearing back from you.
Kanya
Hi Dalia, I understand how difficult it is to move forward after something like this but you will do so. As Heidi shared, don’t let this person take your power and stop you. There is so much more for you to experience! SO many times we feel like we are unlucky in love when things don’t work out but the reality is it takes a while to get to know someone and know if they are really a good fit. A series of shorter relationships is not unusual to see or experiencing before finding the right person.
Take it slow and really get to know someone before falling hard. Understand their past, how they deal with stress, and hoe the handle things regarding difficult conversations, etc. Taking the time lets you see any red flags and also lets you work through initial attraction to see if the two of you can work long term.
For now, focusing on yourself is a great idea. DO you have a strong support system supporting and living you right now?
Kanya
Hi Kim, I am glad to hear that you are ready to take your power back! Are you planning on saying something in person on on the phone? Either way, start by connecting and creating a safe and fun space. Then, start simply. Let him know that you enjoy spending time together but the ‘no string’ aspect really isn’t working for you. Be honest about what you need and let him respond.
What is he doing to manage the fear he has about being in a relationship? If he isn’t working not hat, and doesn’t have a clear plan for change, nothing is going to change. Are you ready to end things if he isn’t on board with creating more?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, I am so glad you are reaching out for support. This situation is just so frustrating. You were off to such a good start then the need to quarantine came into effect. That distance really seemed to play a significant role in all of this. Would you agree?
The current situation has thrown off so many people and changed so many plans. You shared that you don’t want to over think which is important though I do think you will find yourself thinking about this as it is a way to try to figure out what happened. I wonder if journaling for 20 minutes a day could be helpful? Sometimes it is important to get our thoughts and feelings out so that you can see them more clearly. I’d also get clear on what it is you want in a relationship, actually write down the qualities you want and figure out the difference between your wants and needs. That will be useful as you move through this.
It sounds like you are clear that you don’t want a friendship with him if you don’t have a romantic relationship with him. If this continues to be the case, stick by what you need. Are you getting the emotional support you need right now? Who is on team Emilie these days, helping to support you and remind you of how awesome you are?
Kanya
Hi Amy, I am glad that this does not seem to be weighing on you as it did initially. While it is easy to let our minds run away with hopes and dreams, it is vital to be realistic and grow relationships slowly. On going, in person interactions is the best way to get to know someone over time.
You mentioned that you have had long distance relationships in the past. I’m curious about this versus having relationship with people you can interact with on a regular basis. What aspects do you like regarding LDR?
Kanya
Hi Sandeep, It sounds as though it is really difficult to understand this. I am so sorry. When something so unexpected happens it can take time for our brain to compute what is happening. It seems as though he is having a different type of relationship with this new person. It is important that you do what you can to not feel as though this is a reflection of how amazing you are. There are so many factors that play into people getting together. My guess is, this new woman is more comfortable being open with their relationship and she is the one leading in that area by telling people and posting things.
Is he in college? Is she as well? You mentioned that there is an age difference. Is he still in school or studying? Are you complete with college. Can you ell me more about the differences in your life focus at the time?
Kanya
Hi Sandeep, Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry that he has handled things in this manner. You must feel really confused and certainly hurt. Do you understand why he means when he says that you are not compatible? What were the things that were important in a relationship to him that weren’t working from his perspective? If you could share more it would be really helpful. Thanks!
Kanya
