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Hi Abigail, I like the message and I think it does a great job of communicating your thoughts and ideas. I think sticking to your original idea of sending a video or voice memo is the way to go as well. For now I wouldn’t talk about having made something for him. You don’t want to communicate anything that pushes so for now I would hold off on that.
I would like to check in and see how you are feeling about all of this? I could be off but are you feeling some inner push to get this back on track? What if you really do focus on opening the door first, continuing to give him space, and seeing if he can slowly let you back in. First as as a friend, and possibly something more one day? Is that something you can comfortably do?
Kanya
Hi Cissi,
In terms of him not knowing what the truth is; I think that he is in a lot of denial about himself and his actions. He fools himself and in turn fools the people around him. So, I don’t think that he will give you the real story without manipulating facts or information in a way that benefits him. As an example, he cheated on his GF with you. And, he has asked you not to tell anyone so that he doesn’t get caught. I would bet that when his GF asks questions about you, he is not honest. There are a lot of different storied depending on his mood and his current motivation. Does that make sense?
Do you think that you and him have been in this place before meaning that he has hurt you, not been there for you, and you are willing to give him another chance to see if things can get back on track?
Kanya
Hi Catherine, I understand how confusing all of this must be. I am glad that you are focusing on caring for yourself. I agree that you don’t want to feel like you are pushing or forcing anything. At the same time, this might be a good time to reevaluate what you want and if there is a way for the two of you to get on the same page. Here is a link to an Insight from James about how to talk about touchy subjects. I think it will help you prepare for your conversation. Read through it and let me know if it is helpful!
Kanya
Hi Linsey, Welcome to the forum! I am happy to hear that the two of you have such a close connection. It seems that you are able to be open with each other, talk about what is bothering you, and stay connected. Overall it sounds like things are going very well. At times you seem to get anxious and over think certain things such as him referring to you as his friend or wondering where this is going. Is that correct?
Do you have a particular timeline in mind with taking things to the next level? I suggest you wait until the two of you are together again and feeling secure and connected. That would be the time to bring up moving. Instead of asking when he is doing it, say something like “It’s so much fun to be able to hang out together. Have you thought any more about maybe moving someday?” Let it be an open conversation considering the option as opposed to a conversation about him actually moving. He needs to be ready to make that move and make the decision on his own. If he feels forced or coerced he will pull back – to because he doesn’t want to be with you but because he needs to feel as though he is in charge of such an important decision.
I know it is difficult to step back at times, especially when y our anxiety is telling you that there is evidence to be concerned. However, every time you have taken a step back and trusted that he would step forward he did. Do you think you can continue to do that while also learning to work with the anxiety that sometimes pops up?
Kanya
Hi Catherine, Welcome to the Forum. I am sorry that this is going on. It is interesting that he isn’t saying he is confused. He says he is clear but that he just sleeps with other women because he feels like it. While there are a lot of avenue open to you in terms of your response to his behavior, I do encourage you to focus on the peace you are feeling. If he isn’t ready to be exclusive, maybe you both take a step back and date other people until he is ready. Have you discussed this option? Is he okay with you sleeping with other men if you feel like it?
I’m unclear if you actually made the decision to be committed in the past and that has changed or if he was never ready to make that commitment. Can you clarify? The reality is, he may need more than 6 months. You both are considering making a life long commitment and that is not an easy thing to decide. It sounds like he is open to having a longer, more significant conversation when the two of you see each other again. Given the level of connection you have shared, it seems like it is work waiting until you talk again before you make any decisions. Does that make sense? When will he be back from visiting his family?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, I really acknowledge you for all the work you are doing on your own. I am impressed! I love to do projects around my house as it is a powerful way to express creativity!
Pear and apples tress-lots of yummy pies this fall! When I lived in LA I had a Myers Lemon tree in my yard. It was so amazing to pick my own lemons and cook with them! Do you have a couch of chaise in your garden for afternoon naps? Sounds idyllic!
I love that you are noting that you are neutral when you say you are single again. The reality is, you are a very different person than you were just a few months ago. You are more confident, communicative and it seems as though your relationship with yourself is amazing! I am happy that you are feeling happy and that life feels back to normal. I can’t wait to hear about your next adventure!
Kanya
Hi Katelyn, I hear that this is confusing. In terms of the text, I really like how Heidi put it:
I just want to apologize again for the behavior of my friend. We are actually no longer friends as of now. I know she has reached out to you on Facebook before, so my hope is she will leave you alone, but know that she is not speaking on my behalf. All of this was a little too much drama for my taste and I’m sorry it leaked into your world. I did enjoy our first date and am open to a second date if you are ever interested – no drama, I promise 😉 Otherwise, I wish you the best of luck with everything. Take care!” It has a good flow and communicates things without being too wordy. Are you comfortable with something like this? After you send it I would take a step back and let go of any attachment that he will respond.Please don’t compare this situation to other situations. This is far more complicated and the drama from your friend after just one date may have been enough to turn him off from he situation permanently. If so, there may not be much you can do at this point. If he continues to ignore your texts and does not reengage what about moving on? You aren’t overly invested at this point as it was only one date. Seems like you are close to spending more time trying to get him to reengage than you actually spent on your date. What is getting in the way of you moving on?
Kanya
Hi Katelyn, I don’t think that apologizing will remind him of the drama. Actually, I think he is well aware of the drama and indeed was scared off by this. Your friend was way out of line and I hope that the two of you have worked it out and you trust that she will not cross that boundary again.
I would start the way Heidi shared above and stick with that.
Do you think that perhaps there was a part of you that was rushing ahead with this guy. I wonder if he felt pressure. The reason I ask is because it is interesting that you got him a birthday present when the two of you have only gone on one date. That seems like something you would do it you were actively dating someone. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Cece, I’m not asking if you have met for coffee anymore. What I am saying is that you are in the place where he has lied to you, you can’t know if he is telling the truth and in reality I don’t believe he knows what the truth actually is. You are in the place where he won’t let you go and won’t be with you.
Sa here is the question for you. Do you realize that this is a high level of drama and confusion? That the two of you go round and round but the outcome never changes meaning that he has never actually been there and committed to you. He seems to need attention from more than one woman and struggles to let you go. So he treats you badly, gets angry, pushes you away, then asks like everything is fine and the two of you can be friends. Trust is one of the most important hallmarks for any type of relationships so why would you want to be friends with a man that you cannot trust?
Kanya
Hi Michele, Your project sounds super fun! I’m glad that the lines of communication are now open. And yes, I think that going slow is important. Keep the texts to a minimum and also leave space for him to reach out to you to see how the project is going. In a way he is like a turtle who is considering sticking his head out of its shell. You don’t want to give him too much communication at this point. Give him space to miss you and wonder about you as well! Please keep us posted!
Someone will get back to you regarding your questions of hiring a relationship coach. Thanks!
Kanya
Hi Cece, It seems as though the two of you are back to a place you have been before. If you do meet up for coffee, how do you imagine things will unfold with him?
Kanya
Hi, It really makes sense that you still feel attached to him. You felt the connection and are hoping the things will get back on track. It sounds as though you have sent a few texts and he has not responded. Am I understanding you correctly? Since he has left everything behind to be with his family while his mom is dying, my guess is it may be impossible for him to focus on something else right now, such as helping you with your business plan. I agree with Heidi that he is a runner and tha tis a huge red flag. I also imagine that all of his focus right now is going to his mom and helping her, and other family members, as she makes her transition. I’m not sure now is the time to ask for help. I wonder if it would be better to keep sending supportive texts now and then. I’m actually not sure he will be able to reconnect under these circumstances, that may need to wait until after his mom has passed and he has grieved a bit. If you really think about where he is, do you think it’s realistic that he could help with a business plan? When we are grieving and in that kind of emotional pain it can be difficult to refocus in this way. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Amanda, I think that your guy is clearly more comfortable with being playful when talking about things that are uncomfortable. That being said, what if you had kept thing light in your text and been equally playful. I think this approach would get him to the table for a conversation more effectively than being serious.
AS Heidi shared, there is always the potential to put your story on something. When he was playful, you let him know that it hurt your feelings that he swerved the conversation in that direction. What if you had been playful back, accepting your differences, without having your feelings hurt but his communication style. My sense is he just isn’t sure what to do or how to respond when he has hurt someones feelings. It may have even been a big step for him to even respond to you in that situation. The thing is, we just don’t know and don’t need to assume.
you guys have been friends for 8 years. How does he handle disagreements as a friend?
Kanya
Hi Marie, Welcome to the forum. Please be kind to yourself! This is your first time on Match and like anything else, there will be a learning curve!
It seems like he isn’t working too hard at this though he is continuing to want to see you. Is there a reason that he needs to wait until the day of to suggest a get together. Is it related to his kids, work schedule, etc? The next time he asks the day of I would tell him that you would love to spend time with him but that you already have plans for that day. Then ask if you could do it on another day. Then, when he does give you some notice, casually mention that it works so much better for when you can plan out your schedule a bit.
Some women would take a hard line and always say no to a day or ask but I don’t think it needs to be that black and white. Basically you want to train him to give you more notice by showing him that you have a busy schedule. That way, he will know that if he wants to spend time with you he needs to get on your schedule earlier rather than later. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Abigail, I really get how much you are thinking about this. You are trying to see this from so many different angles. ON the one hard that can be really positive in understanding a situation. On the other hand it can be exhausting. I do find myself wondering if you are open to considering that he does need space. I think Heidi shared a lot of important concerns. One things that really resonated with me was his inability to deal with disagreement or stress in a relationship-even a friendship. Until he learns to tolerate disagreement and finds the time to work through these conflicts I’m not sure how anything can grow with another person.
While he says that he is ready to meet his partner and build a relationship, he does not appear to have the time to truly invest in a relationship not does he seem to have the skills to work through the ups and downs. It is important to remember that he has demonstrated a tendency to shit down and turn off when things are difficult. I agree that you have made a lot of progress but if you reconnect with this person and he continues to shut down it will be highly difficult to stay calm. As you shared, it would be difficult for any woman to stay calm in the situation.
Are you willing to slow things down, send him the message that Heidi suggested in a few weeks, and the focus on slowly getting to know each other? Knowing that weekends will be difficult for him to spend time with you due to work obligations?
Kanya
