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Hi Linsey, Welcome to the forum. The first thing that comes to mind is that I am wondering if his ex had an issue with jealously. If so, I wondering if you could talk to him about this. I’m sure you’ve let him know that his secrecy upsets you but it you approach it differently it might help him open up. When things are positive between he two of you and you feel comfortable, share your empathy with his discomfort. Ask him if it wasn’t okay to be open in about other about his past, if it wasn’t okay to talk about other relationships. Let him know that you understand you’ve both dated in the past and that these experiences have helped to form who you are today.
Now the tough part, when he does open up about the past you do need to accept it and not judge him. He seems to have made decisions i the past that he regrets and perhaps is judging himself for. He probably is concerned you will judge him too and possible think less of him. Showing him that you accept his past will be important. What do you think of taking this different approach?
Kanya
Hi Cissi, you are a goddess! I really admire all the inner work you have done in this process. You’ve really used all of this for your learning, upliftment, and growth. It is great that the two of you are healing from the past and moving forward. You do have the opportunity to build a stronger friendship in time.
I think it is a great idea that the two of you are going to focus on healing yourselves first! That is so important and a sign of maturity! Way to go. Keep doing all you are doing and be sure to keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Osheena, Welcome to the forum! We are glad that you are here. This has been quite a journey for you. I can understand your frustration at not yet finding anyone that you feel a strong connection with. Can you tell me what worked really well when you first met in 2017 and what you are looking for? I find it interesting that. soon after you met, he was able to live with you for a month before going back to his home. Is this the time when you felt the most connection with him? There are certain stages in building relationships which are important. It seems like the two of you skipped some stages and jumped into living together. I would imagine that it felt really easy to be together and it felt like a solid relationship. The thing is, you were still getting to know each other and still learning how each other will respond when under stress, when upset, when disagreeing with each other.
once he went back to his home, you actually began to get to know him better. How does he balance his time between work and personal life? How does he incorporate a new relationship into his life? How does he respond to his partners needs and frustrations? How does he respond to disagreements? The thing is, that month may have been great but he showed you that he was not ready to deal with the challenge of incorporating the relationship into his life.
Flash forward to now. He continues to show, through his behavior, that he isn’t able to have the kind of relationship you want and deserve. He quickly gets frustrated when you give him feedback or ask him questions. Instead of rising to the occasion, he disappears, he gives up, and he gets angry with you for wanting to communicate. As much as you feel for him, I don’t think he has what it takes to have the relationship you are looking for. I know that is not what you wanted to hear but I need to be honest. Tell me what you think about what I’ve shared.
Kanya
Hi Sarah, You express yourself very eloquently. I am so inspired but how clear you are. So many women would keep giving this guy a change BECAUSE they saw his potential. They then experience an endless supply of mixed signals, frustration, and heart break. I am so glad that you have chosen a different path. It may sounds strange, but the face that this was short lived but you learned so much is truly a blessing. Approaching it this way tells me that you will move of and manifest something amazing more quickly than you could if you hang on. Another aspect that I love is that you are not blaming yourself for his imperfections! Women in our culture tend to take responsibility for the mistakes of others yet this is such a disservice to them and the people around them. You are a trail blazer and I am so excited to see what you create for yourself!
Kanya
Hi Sandra, Ughhh. I am so sorry that he was not being honest with you. He was telling you that he didn’t have time but clearly he isn’t ready to actually invest the time and energy it takes to build a relationship. This is a huge red flag! To me he is a dabbler; he will dabble in dating, he says he wants a relationship but doesn’t invest in one, he is great at banter but is somehow elusive, he soon needs to move on to the next woman so that he gets the rush of something new.
Honestly, the fact that it tick him a month to find time to see you was a sign. His life is full and he is not making building a relationship a priority. I get that you feel a connection with him and that you were really hopeful. I don’t think this person is a serious contender for your heart. And, I would not move to his town as I do not believe that will make a difference. I know you are still processing all of this. How are you doing?
Kanya
Sarah, You are my hero! Girdle’s, the was amazing. I wish I could share your strength with every woman I know. You are so clear and I live, love, love that you are not letting him sweet talk you or trust only half of the mixed signals that you are receiving. It is so sad that he didn’t step up and work through what gets in the way for him when trying to build a relationship, whether it be romantic, with his children, coworkers, etc. The most important relationship he needs to improve is the one with himself. Right now he cannot count on himself. The pain of that leads him to drink and use substances. Until he stops that, and developed emotional regulation skills, he will keep walking, sometimes running, away from opportunities. It is really sad and I am so proud of you for getting clear and trusting yourself on this.
My sense is that very few people have called him on this pattern the way that you did. Hopefully this will open his eyes a bit. Either way, you are moving forward and your relationship with yourself is soooo strong, consistent, and loving. How are you feeling about all of this?
Kanya
Hi Sandra, Welcome to the forum! So glad that you are here. From what you are sharing, it sounds as though he is interested but of course life is full for him as it is for everyone. What is his reasoning for not having time on the sassy he does not have his son? Just curious.
Given that he is not testing as much I suggest you try to ignite his hero instinct first. Think of something you need help with around the house and ask for that help. Then, plan a time when he can come to visit to help with that task. What time does his son go back to Mom’s on Sunday? Is Sunday evening ever an option for hanging out?
Then, I would work the above texts about having an adventure into your regular text banter. I think that might flow better than making it a separate conversation. You have only seen each other 3 times to it is important not ti rush things. Have you also thought about being less available to him so that he needs to work a bit harder?
Kanya
Hi Cissi, Wow, it seems like this most recent break up really shook him up. I am glad that he is starting to understand how his behavior and choices affected you. This is a great start. How are you feeling about this shift? I hope that the two of you can forge a closer friendship and that he can manage his behavior so that trust is rebuilt.
He does seem to have difficulty exhausting without being in a relationship so please be aware of this. Perhaps it would be good for you to decide how long you want to be on the friend path, what behavior shifts you need to see, and for how long you need to see these changes before you would consider dating again. The reason I am suggesting you figure this out now is because it will be easier to make a clear decision than if the two of you start dating again. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Sarah, Welcome to the forum. I am sorry that things went south so quickly. I have a feeling that in his head he was thinking more was expected of him, more than he was ready to give. Instead of just talking to you about his concerns, working things through together, he made decisions and moved on. This is the biggest concern – he doesn’t know how to make these decisions with his partner. So you end up feeling blind sided when he makes executive decisions. My guess is this is how he has handled many of his past relationships which is why so many ex’s were upset/angry with him.
For now I would keep giving him space. As you take a step back you get to see if he can step forward. You need to see if he can do it and you cannot do it for him. I know that is difficult but it is important. When he does reach out to you do not talk about the relationship through text. Just let him know that if he wants to explore things then you need to do so in person, over coffee or on a walk. Doing it on text does not work.
Can you tel me how long you dated before moving in together during Covid? How did it come about that you moved in together at that time?
Kanya
That is great. It sounds as though you guys are off to a good start. I would definitely let him initiate most of the communication but when he does feel free to share a compliment! Question: is there any part of you that is wanting him to feel more confident about you liking him? I think compliments are great and seeing you happy and enjoying yourself when you do spend time together will help as well! Do you have plans for your next get together?
Kanya
Hi Catherine, It is interesting how much he is offering at this point. When I mentioned stepping back I was referring to you not going to the exhibition and taking some time for yourself. Of course longer term decisions about stepping back will depend on a deeper understanding of the situation. How are you feeling about seeing him tomorrow? Have you thought about how you would like to broach the subject if he does not. I suggest you consider it and even practice what you’re like to say. I know it is easier for a lot of my clients, and even myself, to do so in these situations.
Kanya
Hi Jacquelyn, Welcome to the forum! Can you share a nit more about the situation? Sounds as though you have seen each other face to face as you know where he lives. How is your in person time been? DO you find the conversation is interesting and flows? Is there attraction?
In terms of daily compliments, trust your gut. Since you aren’t seeing each other daily you may find that a daily compliment might be too much or might be just right depending on the situation. If you aren’t used to giving him a lot of compliments maybe work your way up to a daily compliment. Be sincere in what you are sharing and if he asks why all the compliments all of a sudden you can say something like “I don’t know, I’m just feeling happy lately and wanted to pass the good feeling on.” Of course you’ll want to put it i words that feel right to you but this is the general idea. Would you be comfortable sharing something like that?
Kanya
Hi Catherine, How are you feeling about all of this? It is a big change and it seems like taking a step back has been important for you. Do you feel more empowered hitting the pause button?
It makes sense that you would want to hear him out first before you make a decision. Do you guys have a meeting planned at this point?
Kanya
Hi Candace, We love being there for you and for the amazing women on this forum! Even the best of our friends can get fatigued when we are figuring things out, when we are working things through. We are here for you and will continue to be!
You are so wise in what you are seeing regarding Trent’s pattern. He does seem to nee to be adored and idolized and part of the way he builds this is to lead people on, give them confusing signs, and then acts as though he did nothing to contribute to the confusion. That is so hurtful to be on the other end of this dynamic.
Have you thought about what boundaries you would like to set with T at this point? What would be helpful to allowing you to move forward and heal quickly?
Kanya
Hi Linsey, There really is a lot of information out that that can quickly move anyone to a place of anxiety or worry. Because of this, it is super important to take care of yourself and limit the amount of negative information you allow in. When you find yourself talking to someone that makes you feel more anxious, take a break. Refrain from seeking out info on the web that affect you negatively. Instead, start to focus on filling your brain with positive and uplifting information. focus on feeling empowered versus dependent. And, keep moving forward with your dreams and see other dreams come to fruition! What would you like to move forward with creating today?
Kanya
