[Kanya D]

Hi Lili, Part of what you are doing is learning about the how to make the relationship work FOR BOTH OF YOU! I hear that you want more answers and that there are some things he is doing that don’t work for you. Get clear on what is most important to you and then talk to him about it in a respectful manner. See if he is able to have the conversations or if he will continue to run. If he is a runner than there isn’t much you can do about that. As Heidi shared, you may be dealing with a narcissist and definitely an avoidant. Those are both personality styles that rarely change. Given that he is almost 60 and continues to manage his life this way I would not expect it to change. By all means ask questions, without over doing it, and learn from how and if he responds to those questions.

It is clear that you are committee dto improving things. Do you think that he is as committed to making the relationship work for both of you? If not, you make need to decide if what he brings to the table is something that you can accept.

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Rhonda, sorry there wasn’t more of a match or connection. The good news is that you followed your gut and ended it rather than wasting time going in circles. I like the idea of a matching service. Why don’t you get out that list, take a look, and share a bit with us. We’d be happy to help you gain even more clarity on what it is you are looking for!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Karthigeswari, Wow, you are doing such a great job! I know how hard it is to take a step back when all you want to do is be with someone. I hope you can see that you are growing through all of this!

In terms of finding a therapist, why not go to the psychology today site. you can search for therapists based on a lot of criteria. I also recommend you check out the facilitator list on Innerbonding.com. I have found that therapists with this particular training are highly skilled at helping individuals create a loving and supportive relationship with themselves.

Isn’t it interesting that when you met this guy you were a calm, chill, and positive person. Would you say that this is usually your personality. It seems like during the relationship you became dependent on him to feel good, to feel secure. Do you remember when that happened? Was it around the time he cheated? Have you found yourself becoming emotionally dependent in other relationships you’ve had?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Karthigeswari, Welcome to the forum. I am sorry that you are going through such a painful situation as this. If you really want to work things out I believe you need to stop forcing the situation. He is asking for space and you are not giving it to him. Yes, he cares for you but has shared that he needs time to work on himself. While this is difficult to give him that space, it is important that you do so. Very important. Having space may be the thing that he needs to be ready to commit and move forward.

As you saw, when you force things he often shuts down and becomes cold. This is a normal response when someones boundaries are being trampled. Now is the time for you to focus on you. You need to learn to calm the anxiety you feel when away from him, when you feel as though things are not going to work out. That is your responsibility to manage. Period. I hear that you are struggling and I’m wondering if now is the time for you to get some one on one support from a counselor? Learning to regulate and tolerate your emotional ups and downs is an important life skill. I understand how difficult it is to learn but so worth the effort. There are a number of virtual platforms that provide therapy at this time so it is really accessible. Giving him space is going to be difficult. It is going to trigger a number of emotions for you and I want you to feel supported by someone who can help you manage and understand all of those emotions. Is this something you are open to considering?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Melissa, That was a great message, I am glad that you sent it. I think you are i na waiting game at this point. You shared that he is a critical think so he is probably sifting through a lot of data about the relationship and being strategic about next steps. Give him the time and space he needs to do that.

You asked what is next? For now, give him space. If he texts you first, respond. Otherwise, I would wait for at least a week then send him a fun and light hearted text that will lift his mood a bit. Support yourself and focus on self care and self awareness. It will make you stronger and more capable for everything you do in the future!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Lili, Even if his ex is interested in him, do you think he is interested in her? Does he speak of her in a way that leads you to believe that? As you let it go he may even be willing to share more with you. It remains to be seen by changing the behavior.

Taking Heidi’s thoughts further, are you able to accept that for now (and possibly forever) that he won’t be 100% honest with you? It is part of his nature to withhold and most likely he will defend his decisions to do so should he get caught in a lie at some point. It is important to know that while people can change their behavior but not their personality. He may allow himself to get closer for a period of time but most likely will shut down when challenged or questioned. I guess I’m wondering if this is something that you can accept about him as you move forward? And, how to you make peace with this reality?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Annie, I think it is really difficult to move on after being with someone that we can imagine a connection that is so deep that we want to build a relationship with someone. While this is a normal experience in general, can you share more about the thoughts you have that are making it difficult to move on? Our thoughts are very powerful but often below the surface or in the background so to speak. Can you take a day, become more away of your thoughts about this, and then share some of them with us so we can help you work through them?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Annie, I can understand why you are confused. He is giving you mixed messages. On the one hand he doesn’t want to be in a relationship even though he clearly cares for you. On the other hand, he keeps talking about the future. I know that you are still getting used to being friends but do you think you need to set some boundaries with him while YOU figure things out? Perhaps let him know while you welcome the opportunity to build a life together in the future, until you are actually a couple again you would rather not talk about a future together because it is just too confusing. How do you feel about doing that? Just to clarify, are you moving ton NorCal for a job? If so, when are you leaving?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Lili, I am glad that you are communicating again. What happened with the trip that was planned? weren’t you two supposed to meet or did I misunderstand?

I can understand that you want him to connect more deeply and develop that connection that you desire. Given that you are most likely dealing with a narcissist and an avoidant, he is only going to change a small amount and even that change might be temporary. He has secrets because it gives him the advantage. Having secrets, in his perspective, gives him the sense that he won’t get as hurt as if he actually let you in. He also has at least one woman who is in his life adoring him. his ex. Realistically, he probably has more than one. Because he feels so unlovable he will keep adoring woman around him to help him feel better. You have probably already noticed that he often responds to closeness with distance. That distance may get less frequent and last for shorted amounts of time but I don’t think it will ever go away completely.

I think it he cares for you but closeness and emotional intimacy is far more complicated for him than it is for you. When you care fr someone you want to spend time with him, you want to open up, you want to develop closeness with this person. You realize that building a foundation is important and you realize that difficulties will arise and you have the fortitude to work through it and get closer as a result. His brain sees closeness very differently. When he starts to get close to someone, initially he feels happy and excited. He opens up a bit and things go well. Eventually his brain will respond to closeness as a threat to his safety. He then goes into fight or flight. He will think of reasons that this isn’t going to work and he will push and test you. Once he has had enough space for the fight or flight to resolve, he slowly makes his way back. Given that this is the norm for him for his whole life, it is unlikely that this is going to change. Research shows that only small numbers of Avoidants ever work through this. Do you think he even understands that he is an avoidant and employee many techniques to avoid intimacy?

Kanya
Given that the two of you live in different places there will be much that you don’t know about his life. Is there a plan for living in the same city?

[Kanya D]

Hi Emilia, I love that your hunch was right on — that is great! I also noted that your question is asking about activation of his hero instinct. I suggest that you ask for help with small things that can help him feel values and helpful. It could be fixing small things around the house, opening a bottle of wine, letting him open the door, etc. These small things can have a powerful impact on your guy! Keep checking in and let us know how we can support you!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Rose, I love that you are learning to turn around your negative thoughts! It is such a powerful skill. Are you willing to share what has been helpful to you? Do you use any particular methods or exercises?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Rhonda, I love that your kayak has a name! I’m in Florida and went kayaking today in Sarasota bay- so beautiful but I admit my shoulders are not too happy. I hope this new project comes through. Sounds like you will be able to work from home????

Kanya

[Kanya D]

I’m glad to hear that your conversations are becoming more productive and open. That is wonderful progress forward! I think that as you look into your own responses, your thoughts and emotions prior to that night you will learn so much about yourself. Every time we do that we grow and become more insightful. We become aware of our choices, we realize the moments when we need to bring ourselves back into balance before having a conversation with someone we love. I get the sense the two of you are rebuilding the foundation of your relationship which is so powerful! Keep going and let us know how we can support you!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Katerina, I acknowledge you for setting up an appointment with a psychiatrist as I know that based on how you are feeling it many have been difficult to get the energy up to do that. IN addition to a psychiatrist, there is an abundance of therapy services on line to help you work through this! Even though it feels impossible at this time, I encourage you to keep moving forward. Keep getting up everyday and doing small things to help you move forward. Make caring for yourself and supporting yourself your number one priority. It may be hard to see from this perspective but you will make progress, you will feel better, you will rebuild one step at a time!

What is one thing you would like to do for yourself this weekend that might help you feel just a little better?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Emilia, Let us know how your conversations are going!

Kanya

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