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Hi Cissi, Wow, so proud of you. I love that you have learned so much and are able to articulate it in such a powerful way! That is amazing. How did it feel while you were expressing yourself? I hope you are giving yourself credit for all that you learned and for all the ways that you are learning and growing.
It is interesting that he hasn’t yet articulated what he has learned. I’m hoping he can step up, open up, and clarify his own learnings. Even if he doesn’t, you did and you are continuing to demonstrate an amazing level of insight and awareness. You really are a rock star. How are you supporting yourself in all of this? I would imagine that you are feeling a bit vulnerable having opened up while he has not done so. I encourage you to breathe, continue to own your strength, and do not be attached to how he responds but do lean from it! Do you have a support team of family and friends at this time as you learn to navigate this step by step?
Kanya
Hi Vin, Wow, you did have quite a day. There does seem to be a lot of things up in the air, things you are deciding. Confusing and hurtful behavior from our children is so difficult. It cuts right through our heart. I’m not sure how old your children are but I am guessing they are teens based on how they are handling things. Is that accurate. I have a 14 year old daughter who is really putting me through my paces these days so I know how difficult it can be. One thing that helps me not take it personally is remembering that they are separate individuals. They have their own journeys and, like most people, they tend to take out their frustrations on those close to them. Often that is their parents. It is really difficult but we have to believe that loving them is important even if they don’t give us any signs of it. You are still their anchor, even as they push you away.
It sounds as though JB has become a good friend and confidant. I am glad that you have that. Are you also deepening friendships with others in your community? I know that for me it has always been important to have a number of close friends. They all have their different influences and ways to support me. Are you building your village? I was also thinking that there are support groups for parents with trans children. I would imagine that this would be really supportive for you. Have you tried to find something like that to participate in?
Kanya
Hi Leslie, It sounds like you have a lot going on. I can totally understand how stressful that can be. Given that the two o you have only been dating for about 3 months, I’m wondering if you are further along in the relationship than he is and this is adding to the stress. I want to suggest a few things. First, be less available. I know that is difficult because you re wanting more but when he suggests getting together, say no every few times. IF you don’t want this to be a booty call then suggest that the two fo you meet for dinner first, or go for a walk. After the walk he doesn’t have to come back to your place. You can just start to navigate this so that you are spending time getting to know each other. Determine what your boundaries are and stick with it.
I also think that it is important to realize that the two of you are still at the begining. It could take more time for him to be ready to be more serious. In the mean time, don’t expect boyfriend behavior from him when he is not yet your boyfriend. Go to friend and family when you need emotional support. Right now I think he feels a bit overwhelmed emotionally. When you do talk or see each other focus on just enjoying yourself and having fun. Don’t put pressure eon him or yourself to be further along then you are. If that gets too hard then maybe meet with a therapist or counselor a few times to help you develop ways to be in the early parts of a courtship even though you don’t know where things will ultimately go.
I looked through the Insights page and found something that might be helpful to you right now. Read through it and let me know how you can start to implement James’ suggestions! Looking forward to hearing your ideas.
Kanya
Hi Cissi, I can totally understand your concerns and honestly, being concerned is a healthy reaction at this point. That is why you need time to rebuild trust – because the trust was broken. This is an awkward and difficult and feels incredibly vulnerable as you are going through it. Event hough it is really uncomfortable, wha you are feeling is normal.
Things will be awkward and weird when you see each other and will continue to be that way until trust is rebuild and you are sure that he is being honest with himself and with you.
I’m wondering why he is asking if you told anyone about things that have happened in the past few months. What is your gut or intuition telling you about that or anything else about this? The thing is, he is still keeping secrets about things he has done, ways that he lied to his ex and heated on her. This concerns me because any degree of secrets leads to dishonesty. Is that something that concerns you?
Kanya
Hi Sarah, OMG I am so happy that this spoke to you so deeply. I actually got my graduate degree in psychology form the University and it was the most transformative experience of my life! My heart is so happy that this spoke to you!
I continue to be amazing at the degree to which our childhood programing affects us into adulthood. It is truly amazing when my clients heal and let go of the patterns that have limited them for so long. Please let me know how things are going and how doing the exercise is supporting you. Remember, we are here for you!
Kanya
Hi Leslie, Welcome to the forum. I can understand your frustration and dismay. It sounds like he needed some time to figure some things out (this happens sometimes) and the space was really scary for you. Can you describe the emotional break downs you have had in the past 2 weeks? Did you break down with him or a friend?
Kanya
Hi Osheena, You shared that you do understand his behavior. Can you share your thoughts on the change in behavior?
Since you met so long ago, and his behavior seems to be getting more and more distant, where do you see this heading?
Kanya
Hi Cissi, I can understand your concerns. He doesn’t seem to be focusing on himself. There is a pattern of him not being able to be on his own and sit with his own thoughts and feelings. Have you considered what level of communication you wold like at this time? Perhaps think about it and set some clear boundaries with him. Also, you don’t need to respond immediately to him communication. The fact that he is uncomfortable with this is a red flag. He is struggling with being on his own and instead of working through it, he keeps coming to you to get reassurance.
I also am concerned that if the other woman decides she wants the relationship back he might jump on that to avoid the uncomfortable feelings he has when on his own. I think you are doing a great jo navigating all of this. You are asking yourselves the right questions and tuning in to concerns. Good job! Any changes you are ready to enact?
Kanya
Hi, Welcome to the forum!
My guess is he doesn’t say anything because he has no need to invest anything in this. He calls once a year and you respond. I also have a feeling that he has a number of women he interacts with in this way during his travels. He may even be sleeping with other women while he is in your town.
He has no interest in a relationship so when you talk about seeing him again he is very agreeable. Then, he does what he wants which is to disappear. Are you interested in continuing this pattern?
Kanya
Hi Sarah, I am so glad that you now recognize that you ignored an important red flag. The dichotomy between him saying he was not a violent person after he did a violent thing was a clear contradiction. I am glad you are able to see these things now as these realizations can help you see red flags in the future!
Self forgiveness says that there are no good or bad behaviors, that we are all doing our best to learn how to be a whole person. I know, that is a bit mid closing. Rather than trying to explain it, I found a video of the amazing Ron and Mary Hulnick guiding someone through the self forgiveness process. Let me know what you think.
Kanya
Hi Sandra, I can understand why the weekend was difficult. You are letting go of an important vision and that is difficult. I am glad that you are open to meeting some new people and moving forward. Have you taken some time to make a list of the top 10 things you are looking for in a relationship? I find this to be a very effective exercise. You start by identifying the top 10 things qualities you are looking for in a partner or relationship. Then, a day or two later you look at the list and determine what the top 5 qualities are. After a few more days you review the list again and identify the top 3 qualities.
This exercise shows you what is important (top 10) and what is necessary (top 3) for a relationship to work for you. Give it a try and let us know what you discover!
Kanya
Hi Elise, Welcome to the forum. So, the first question that comes to mind is what are you looking for in this situation? Right now he is sexting but isn’t taking action to invest time and effort into this. Do you want a relationship or just a sexual connection?
Kanya
Hi Sarah, I love that you have a contract with yourself – what a great idea! Do you find that it helps keep you on track? The forgiveness aspect is so crucial. Have you ever heard of the concept of forgiving the judgment that you have versus forgiving the behavior? It is really powerful! You are doing such an amazing and thorough job supporting yourself through this. You go girl! Can’t wait to hear more.
Kanya
Hi Cissi, This seems like a lot of communication for two people who are focusing on healing themselves these days. How are you feeling about all of this? In what ways does it feel different than in the past?
Kanya
Hi Liezi, Welcome to the forum. You have quite a journey in the past three years. I would imagine that while this is exhilarating, on some level t is also exhausting.
From my perspective, you have been unwilling to feel the pain of letting one of these men go. As a result, when things get bad with T, S becomes a bigger part of your life and vice versa. The reality is, there will be pain and grief present when you let one of these men go And yes, there will need to be no contact as it is too easy to fall back into unhealthy patterns.
Just wondering if this is something you have done in the past ie. keeping multiple doors open at the same time? Is letting go, moving on something that has been difficult for you in the past? It will be important to recognize any patterns that might make this decision more difficult.
I think it is also important to realize that deciding to sleep with someone or keep them in your life is not something that happens to you. It is not something that happens by accident. You have made decisions to keep things going this way. I know that is difficult to see at times but it is important for a variety of reason. Once you see that you participated in creating everything that has occurred, you then know you have the power to make a different decision going forward.
It is also important to accept that no one person is going to be able to give you all that you need. It is estimated that a partner can only give you about 25% of what you need. We then have family, friends, and ourselves to give us the rest. At this point you need to decide which is the best fit for you based on who S and T are right now and what they can offer you. Once you make the decision and let everyone know, it then falls on you to keep your commitments and support that decision. I understand that it won’t be easy give the history. I’m wondering if it would help if you worked with a therapist for the next year or so as you make decisions, change behavior, and rebuild. I’m also wondering what your support system looks like in terms of family and friends? I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
