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Hi Katy, I love that you are committed to letting go of the pain. I think many people worry about feeling resentment and bitterness if they step into this. The reality is, people who feel resentment and bitterness are holding on to anger, not processing it. Many times we stay in the anger because we feel more empowered there than we do feeling sadness and fear. But underneath anger is always sadness and underneath sadness is always love.
TO process any anger you can do some free form writing, punch pillows, and imagine saying, out load, all the things you want to say to that person when you are feeling angry. Some people also find it helpful to express anger to God or the Universe if that is what they are feeling. There is research that shows us that doing free form writing daily, for several days, releases the energy of stored emotions. Here is a link to more information on Writing Therapy https://positivepsychology.com/writing-therapy/
Once you get to the heart of the anger it is really important to process the sadness. Children do this naturally by crying. Unfortunately, many of us stop crying when we feel sad for a variety of reasons. Those sad feelings then get stuck inside of us and can result in many different physical, and well as emotional, ailments. Many of us have been told that we don’t have a reason to cry. The reality is, if something is making us feel sad, that is reason enough. When you cry, also be the nurturing adult who holds you and loves you. Let that part of you know that she is brave and amazing to let those feelings out. Let her know that you are never going to leave her and that you will always be there for her, always love her always protect her. Often, after a good cry, we may feel drained and many people report that they feel worse after crying. Research shows that crying releases oxytocin into out blood stream – the happy hormone. So even if we don’t feel better right away, in about 30 minutes we will start to feel great.
If you have a hurt or trauma to process, schedule in time every day to write, cry, scream, what ever you need to do. You won’t need to do this forever, just until you get the heavy energy of the emotions out. You may even feel vulnerable once you let that energy go. It’s okay, it is a normal response. Feeling vulnerable is different then feeling weak. Vulnerability acknowledges that part of being human is the ability to feel, to love. Having that ability will bring highs and lows, joy ad sorrow. We can’t have one without the other. You are strong enough and resilient enough to process your pain and move forward! I hope these ideas help. Please let us know if you have any questions and certainly share your experiences with us!
Kanya
Hi Rocio, I agree with Candace! You deserve soooo much more than this! He just doesn’t have any emotional intelligence. And, he is self conscious and insecure. IT is so difficult to be in a relationship with someone like that because they will always blame others for their bad behavior. He may reach out to you but if you are really done with this drama maybe you block him and move on?
Kanya
Hi Marina, You do not need to apologize for your English-on the contrary, your writing, and your understanding of the English language is beautiful! Thanks for giving such a thoughtful response.
I get the connection you felt and can understand why you would want to explore this again. I am concerned that he just cannot participate in a mature and honest relationship. I don’t mean that he was dishonest with you, just that he may not be 100% honest with himself. And, I am not sure that he understands reltionships very well or has realistic expectations of himself in a relationship.
Wanting, needing, alone time in a relationship is totally normal and healthy. Wanting los pend the weekend on his own was not a sign that something was wrong. If he is lacking the ability to self reflect, it might be difficult for him to be authentic and flexible. I don’t know if he is not ready to have a relationship or is not capable.
If your gut is telling you to reach out then perhaps start with a simple text. You could say something like “I was just thinking of you and thought I’d see how you were doing. Hope all is well in your world!” I would also add a question about something in his life that is important to him – a deal at work, a family members health, a project he has been working on at home. That gives him the ability to share more. Then, you can see how he responds and perhaps get a better idea of weather or not he is open to communicating. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Katy, Your intention is so beautiful! Focusing on yourself, becoming stronger is a courageous decision. I love what Heidi shared about making decisions because of either pleasure or pain. It sounds like you can relate as well. Can you share ways that you would like to focus on healing yourself? What has helped in the past and are there any things you are interested in exploring now that you have some time and energy?
Kanya
Hi Marina, I’m so glad that you took some time for yourself – well done! I am glad that you are feeling recharged! Before we talk about texting or not texting can you answer a few questions? When you think about him every day, what are you thinking about? Are you remembering things? Are you feeling wishful for what could be? Can you dive deep and share what your are thinking that is making you want to be with him? I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts!
Kanya
Hi Rocio, It sounds like you did a great job expressing yourself and your frustration. How did it feel when you wrote those words? My sense is you have shared all of this with him in the past and your frustrations as coming from him now hearing you and not making the changes you asked for.
When you first met him he seemed different, didn’t he? We are all different in the begining of a relationship. We bring our best selves forward, pay attention, and are feeling a lot of magic. But, it takes time to get to know the real person. For the past year and a half you have been on and off with someone who doesn’t seem to get you. He doesn’t seem to value what you want and need. He’s made a lot of promises that don’t seem to come to fruition.
You shared that the break ups come from him. He ghosts you, tells you that the two of you are done, blocks you, etc. He even left you stranded at the airport when you flew in to meet him. You are an amazing woman and you clearly are loving and believe in giving people many chances. I’m going to challenge yo a bit. If you were going to give yourself another chance at a relationship with a great guy who can give you the emotional connection you desire and deserve, would this guy be the best candidate for that life you are hoping to co-create?
Kanya
Hi Ashlee, I am so glad that you are getting support. Dealing with bipolar can be tricky and taking a team approach has been shown to be successful. I acknowledge you for facing this head on. You should like you are doing great!
I don’t think there is a specific amount of time that I, or anyone, can predict regarding him feeling safe or ready to try again. If he was betrayed in other relationships it might be a deal breaker but I don’t know enough about this to predict. Right now you are rebuilding trust by being honest with him. Over time he will need to decide if he trusts you and what you are saying.
When all of the blew up, do you feel you both talked it through sufficiently? Did you apologize for hurting him? Did he see your remorse, not for losing him, but for his pain? TO what degree do you think he felt understood and supported by you in that situation? Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Emilie, your flat sounds amazing. If only I was able to move to Paris and rent it from you! Maybe some day! Sounds like you are making an easy transition to being friends with your ex. That is fabulous. I am so happy for you and for your beautiful floors!
How are you guys doing with opening up these days. I saw some things on the news about additional restrictions, masks in the workplace, etc. Hope you are keeping safe.
Kanya
Hi!
He has shared a lot of his values related to money. It is great that he has opened up about this. When you start to spend time together you will get to know if his actions match his words. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don’t. This is just something that will unfold with time.
Heidi shared thoughts a few times about slowing things down. Given that you have not spent any time in person all of this is mostly fantasy and imagination. Would you agree that the two of you are jumping ahead? What can help you slow down and be more in the moment of just getting to know each other?
Kanya
Hi Ashlee, Welcome to he too forum! I think there is a possibility and I think you will need to move slowly. The challenge is you broke his trust. It will take time to rebuild trust. Possibly a lot of time.It sounds live you have reconnected and he is feeling more comfortable with you. It is good that you shared that you miss him and I would not expect an answer from him anytime soon.
Can you imagine taking time to really connect as friends first. Show him that your bipolar is under control and that you are getting support for that. Do you have a therapist and psychiatrist on your team? It will be important for you to have a team of professions to help you as dealing with bipolar disorder be over whelming for you as well as your friends and family.
You shared that you did not cheat on him. Does he believe you did cheat? Do you understand his feelings about you going tour ex rather than him for support. And, how did hiding it from him affect him?
Kanya
Hi Katy, Thanks for the insightful response. It sounds as though you have developed a lot of insight into yourself in this situation. This will serve you well! You shared so much, some of these coping skills are positive and some you described as not so healthy. If you look inside are there things that you would like to highlight and learn to do differently?
Kanya
Hi Vino, you provided a great explanation. You are so clear and can see the time line of your disappointments, frustrations, and the feeling of invisibility that you have experienced over the years. I would invite you to take all of this to the next level. Being rebellious is something that we associate with teens and young adults. I agree with Heidi that there is a destructive energy as well as anger associated with it.
I wonder if instead of rebelling, you address the expectations or disappointments head on. As an example, when you went to the support group or the therapist, did you share that you needed some ideas and support? Did you let yourself be vulnerable? Did you let yourself open to hearing new ideas and seeing that there was room for you to grow? I can relate to what you are sharing because I often have the same experience. With experience I have learning that there are two sides to that. One is, I am really self sufficient and wise. And, another part of my can hide behind the self sufficiency because feeling vulnerable is uncomfortable at times. I’m wondering if this might sometimes be present for you as well?
Kanya
Hi Claire, Welcome to the forum. I’m glad that you found someone you feel a connection with. It is vital that you remember he has said repeatedly that he is not looking for a relationship – he just wants to have fun. As Maya Angelo once said “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” The longest relationship he has ever had in 5 months. That is just enough time to rush through a relationship then leave when things stop being just exciting.
What is it that you want? If you are ready for a relationship, be realistic about whether or not this is a person who is truly ready for that. Remember, saying you want it and being ready for it are two different things.
Kanya
Hi Cissi, I understand what you are saying. And, you did put yourself out there when you shared what you learned from him. You can do that again, when you are ready, under the right circumstances. Remember that the two of you are rebuilding trust and that will take time. You have both done a great job slowing things down and are just starting to build a friendship. Even though it is really uncomfortable, stick with it. Avoid the tendency to jump ahead because it is easier on some level. Stay the course and keep doing what you are doing!
When are you guys hanging out again?
Kanya
