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Hi Natalie, I think that it is important for you to understand why he isn’t interested. It sounds like you communicated in a way that may have been hurtful for him – breaking up via email, cutting him off out of anger, etc. I would again apologize and let him know that you would welcome hearing from him. Share that you realize you didn’t hear him out. Let him know that it would be helpful to you to know why he doesn’t feel things would work. At this point I would do a lot of listening and be humble if he is willing to talk. Of course, it is his choice but given your strong feelings it seems like asking to talk a bit more might help you in a number of ways. To clarify, when I saw talk I mean actually talk on the phone or FaceTime, not texting. Are you comfortable reaching out to him again?
Kanya
Hi Lea, I can understand why taking on so much responsibility at a young age may have made you more serious. There were natural developmental stages that you missed because you needed to be more responsible. When kids go through something like this they often do push their childlike wonder aside and try to be overly responsible and overly serious to deal with the responsibility of caring for younger children. In terms of an action plan, you will need to work with that younger part of yourself and give both of you permission to let go, have fun, and trust that things can get resolved without negativity. I would try to do this in all areas of your life that are being affected.
I would think through specifics and determine how you would like to react. Of course, this is not the kind of behavior that will change over night It is going to take a lot of retraining on your part. You will respond in your normal manner often and then you will need to redirect yourself. You may notice a lot of different feelings arising for you as you make these changes. That is perfectly normal. Let yourself feel and process what ever comes up for you.
Think of the things that really hurt him, such as shutting him out when you are angry, and learn to push past those initial feelings so that you can talk to him. If you need time when you are upset, that is fine just let him know that you need time to process your feelings and that you will be back.
Also be realistic. Are you someone who will be okay with not making plans, changing plans, etc? Learning to bridge this gap will be important. And, learning to talk about these things respectfully will really show him that you are making changes. It sounds as though he is open to being friends after a break. I would use that break to support yourself and make changes that benefit you first, him second. Then, suggest that the two of you meet for coffee or a walk. When things are feeling positive, share that you have been thinking a lot about things. Thank him for pointing out some things that were not working, some ways that you could improve yourself. Share the things you have learned and that you are making changes that will help you. Let him know that you’d like the opportunity to show him the changes and see where things go. Simply sharing, without pushing for an outcome, seems like the best way to start. Are you both in communication at this point?
Kanya
Hi Julie, Thanks for the additional information. Did you have a chance to read the link that I sent you? I’m curious about what you thought.
Here is the thing, you said you were falling in love with him based on the texting that the two of you did. You expected to fall in love and have him wish you away. You say he is your team guy even though he’s kind of ghosted you after two months of interacting. Have you been told you are a hopeless romantic in the past? The reason I ask is because you seem to be ignoring the reality of who this person is versus seeing him, and the situation, realistically. I think you really wanted this person to be the one and are having a difficult time integrating who he actually is into your thoughts about him.
He is not the mysterious stranger who is going to sweep you off of your feet. He isn’t going to magically change and be the man you want him to be, the man you imagined him to be. It’s just not going to happen. If you had a first date do over, what is the outcome you would want? It that hoped for outcome realistic in terms of who this person turned out to be? This is your first post divorce date. You need to get out there, date, get to know who you are in relation to dating and what it is you want. While you may want the fairy tale real love is far more complex and interesting than a fairy tale. What if instead of trying to meet the one you date to get to know yourself better and see what is actually important to you in a relationship? The is going to take time and yes, you are probably going to kiss a few frogs first. But, it really can be a great adventure.
I hope you take what I say in the spirit it was offered. There is more to all of this than you have experienced before. Would you mind sharing why your mom thinks you aren’t ready to date? I wonder if her reasoning holds some useful clues?
Kanya
Hi Lea, Welcome to the forum. Thank you for all that you have done to help and care for people during this pandemic. I’m sure that this has create sacrifice in many areas of your life. I hope that you are taking care of yourself in all of this!
I’m sorry to hear that Covid 19 side lined the relationship. That can be especially difficult at the beginning of a relationship when a foundation is being built. I hear that you would like to get things back on track and to get along better. Given that so many of your disagreements relate to differences in personality it seems like a higher level of tolerance for your differences is the only thing that would improve this dynamic. Can you see yourself accepting him more for who he is? Can you enjoy him without wanting him to change? It sounds like he could help you become more care free and I guess I am wondering if this is what you want for yourself?
It is important to remember that we cannot change other people. Our only power lies in our ability to change how we respond to others. When I am counseling couples I also ask them to consider 3 questions at the end of our first session which I now ask you:
1. what would you need to change about yourself to improve the relationship?
2. How difficult would it be for you to make this change?
3. How willing are you, on a scale of 1-10, to make these changes.I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Alexandra, Welcome to the forum. I am so glad that you are here and I think you are sharing something a lot of people are facing. People are meeting online and having pseudo relationships for months before meeting. During this time, we develop feeling as well as ideas and dreams about who a person is. Often our ideas about a person and potential relationship become larger than life. While this is normal, woman tend to transition more effectively from a distance based relationship to an in person relationship.
Women learn to become attracted to the men that they love and men learn to love the women they are attracted to. A lot of different things go into feeling attracted for someone. That can take some time to build. I’m sorry that he didn’t give this more face to face time to actually get to know each other and see of what could develop. There are a lot of reasons that he may have closed the door so quickly that he may or may not be aware of. I am curious about the level of interaction you were having with his parents. Was there a particular reason his mom was keeping you in the loop about him seeing other women? How did he feel about this agreement with his mom?
I do think that taking a step back is positive at this point. You mentioned that you still do talk from time to time. Does he initiate or do you? Does it still feel like a close friendship or more casual? I looked through the Irresistible Insights page and found an article by James that will give you some good ideas about how to become more memorable to him. I suggest you read through it and think of 5 things you can start to apply to your iterations. Let me know what those 5 things are as you start to implement them.
As difficult as it is I think it is important for you to take a step back. Don’t assume that this is supposed to go in one particular direction. I know that you really though that he was the one but if it isn’t mutual, there will be other options for you. You deserve to be with someone who adores you. Given how you feel you understandably aren’t ready to walk away and there are some things you can do to see if he opens up to this possibility. And if this is to the guy, be aware of how much time you are willing to spend trying to catch his interest.
Kanya
Hi Miss P, Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry that you are both dealing with this. It sounds as though his depression is really debilitating and is affecting both of you in a significant way. I can understand your frustration as it seems so clear that he would benefit from medication and therapy. Depression certainly is a biochemical issue and research shows that treating the depression with both medication and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) provides the best outcome.
The challenge is, you can’t make him get on meds. If you had that power, he would already be taking medication. If your intention and desire was all to took for him to get better, he would be better by now. Given the level of depression he is experiencing, it will most likely be a long term reality that he has to manage. While being on the right medication could certainly help manage his depression, there are side effects that could cause different issues in the relationship.
Overall men seek help for depression at significantly lower rates than women. There are many reasons this occurs. Men feel more stigma about getting help. Men often have a more difficult time talking about their emotions which can get in the way of communicating what they need. Men often feels shame at needing help and fear that medications will change them in some way. There is great book that might interest about male depression called “I don’t want to talk about it.” I think it would help to explain more about what he is going through.
While understanding it will be helpful, you also need to be realistic. You are so clear about what you want and need. There is no need to doubt yourself in that area. You have told him that he needs to manage his depression with therapy and medication. Period. He has promised this in the past but have not kept his agreement. Before you walk away does it make sense to meet for coffee and talk one more time. Focus on all the love you feel for him and how difficult it is to watch him struggle. Let him know that you want more for him, and that you want more for the two of you. If he promises to do something please do not go back into that relationship UNTIL he does something. He will need to find the right therapist and the right psychiatrist which will take time. Once he started taking medication it will take up to 5 weeks to feel the full effects of that medication. And, if may take a few tries to find the right medication. If he does start to work with a psychiatrist there is affordable genetic testing that could help to identify which medications offer the best fit for his genetic make up.
If you meet and he says he is not going to treat this, or says he will and doesn’t take action, then you need to pay attention to this. While it is difficult to imagine walking away, you already know how painful and confusing it is to live with someone who has untreated depression. You feel invisible, unloved, and you do end up carrying the weight of the relationship. This is not something that I would want for you. I’m so proud of you for setting your boundaries and trusting your gut. You know what you want, need, and deserve. Trust that! Can you reach out to him to meet for coffee or a walk?
Kanya
Hi Isla Welcome to the forum! This is an interesting question. I addition to all of your interaction through the gaming app, have the two of you texted or talked on the phone? The thing with your current platform is that you met through gaming which inherently involves fantasy and imagination. You sexted which is not an actual way to connect but again relies on fantasy and imagination. In many ways it is a
Research shows that utilizing technology can improve intimacy and keep the spark alive for couples that live together and interact on a daily basis. In this way, sexting can be beneficial to couples. But for couples who have no other interaction, sexting is impersonal and while you have an initial hightened sense of excitement, it actually is offering an intoxicating illusion. In the end, sexting without a face to face connection and intimacy actually increases our sense of isolation.
Can you share what you are actually getting out of this arrangement? I guess I find myself wondering why you aren’t out there actually meeting someone you can forge a real, in person relationship? You mentioned a relationship that ended. Is there something that is making you avoid a relationship with actual potential for a true partnership? If so, let’s explore that so that we can open up more possibilities for you.
Here is a question; if you met this person in your day to day life, someone who had different values, chose not to pursue a higher education, and had an on again off again commitment to earning money would you be interested in him? I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Julie, you texted for 2 months, then had one date. Since then he is not pursing you. When you were initially texting was he pursuing, initiating, taking the lead. What was the date like? Was he in pursuit mode? If there isn’t a lot of interest on a guys part initially it can be difficult to get them to pursue. Did you feel chemistry building in those 2 months the you were texting? Are there impediments, such as distance, that might be getting in the way of him moving forward. When you think about this are you thinking about what you are currently feeling and experiencing or are you thinking about the potential of what could be?
If you are really in the present and want to move forward, ere is a link to one of James’s articles that you might find helpful in this situation. Let us know what you think!
Kanya
Hi Katy, So glad that you are here for support! The situation you are dealing with can feel really complicated and at the same time may not be that complicated. Remember a few messages back when Heidi takes about the struggle between the heart and the head? Heidi shared :
“The truth is, your brain (the logic) and your heart (wanting to re-connect and see where it goes) are having quite the battle. This is pretty normal. If you remember what I said earlier, our feelings are NOT facts. Most times, people are actually choosing their relationships from a place of woundedness. They let their feelings of love and connection lead them into relationship, only to end up inviting a lot of chaos and hardship and hurt into their lives.”
As I read through your messages it seems like you had gotten to the point of realizing you wanted to protect your precious heart from someone who doesn’t have any desire to be kind, loving, and considerate. The, this last message arrives where you are thinking of contacting him again. You certainly have that option but I am wondering why you are considering it again given the direction you have been heading in? Are you doubting yourself and your own inner knowing?
I noted that at some point you shared that when you feel hurt by someone’s insensitive behavior part of you will say “you’re over reacting, get over it.” When I read that I wondered if this is something adults would say to you when you were young and had hurt feelings? Is this something you are saying to yourself now that is driving you to want to reconnect with this person?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, I really acknowledge your intentions. By making yourself a priority, it seems that you are gaining a lot of inner satisfaction and strength. The world would be truly different if everyone was able to do that! You are a rock star!
What strifes me as interesting is that the two of you can spend that many hours together working on a project and stay fun and pleasant with each other. The stress didn’t get between you. Feeling tired didn’t get between you. Thing going differently than planned didn’t get between you. I can’t say that about most friendships or most couples. I love that the two of you are finding a way to create a friendship!
Do you have an idea of when the flat will be ready to rent?
Kanya
Hi Julie, Welcome to the forum! Is this someone that you have dated, have you both shown interest in each other?
When you sent the 12 word text did you ask for his help? Was it help that needed to be done in person? Can you share more?
Kanya
Hi Katy, so glad you are feeling so great! If you become aware of anything y ou do want to process I hope Heidi and I have shared some ideas that will be helpful! Let us know if we can support you in the future!
Kanya
Hi Cristina, Welcome to the forum. I am so glad you are here asking for support!
First, please don’t blame yourself. He made a lot of decisions regarding how to handle what ever feelings were coming up for him. And, he is clearly not good at communicating. That is no ones fault but his own.
My guess is that during all of that time you were texting and talking you both formed ideas about who the other person was. That is really normal. The challenge is, so after 2 weeks of building these ideas, there was a 2 day period where he seemed to want to sweep you off of your feet. It was all very fairy tale but real life and real love is different. It is impossible to say what got into his hear but something happened that challenged the idea that he has been formulating about you. Instead of realizing that this was normal, talking about it, and getting to know each other a little at a time he choked. What ever he was feeling was overwhelming for him and instead of slowing things down and actually processing his feelings, he shut down and ran.
I’m guessing you’ve tried to contact him? And, he won’t respond. I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to walk away at this point. If you want to try one more time, maybe send him a text that says something like “I hope you re doing better. I get that something spooked you and honestly I think we were putting a lot of pressure on ourselves to know what was possible when we didn’t even know each other. If at some point you’d like to talk let me know. If I don’t hear from you please know that I wish you the best and enjoying getting to know you a bit.”
Is that something you are interested in trying?
Kanya
I am so sorry that he did this. Honestly, my guess is you are not the first woman he has done this to. I also question his motives. He can to town to win you over but wanted to “stay in” on the first night in town? What were his intentions, really?
Hi Emilie, I love that you are reconnecting with yourself and really embracing all of you. This is a very attractive feature on any woman and I would expect additional attention to come your way as you really own, and express, who you are. I also notice that relationships are not your priority which is also very attractive lol
A few messages back, you mentioned feeling a toxic influence from your grandmother. You may have already explored this, but I am wondering if/how this influences you today and if it plays any role in your fear of being rejected? Feel free to share more if you like.
How are you feeling about this guys growing interest? I guess I am wondering if you are interested?
Kanya
Hi Marina, I think your message is great. The only thing I would change is the phrase “nothing stands between us.” I think what yo mean is that there are no hard feeing between the two of you. I could also see how he might interpret this as an invitation to revisit the relationship. What if you simply removed that line or said something like. “I feel great and just wanted you to know that I hope we can be friends.” Does that make sense?
Before you send it I would let go of any expectation that you will get a response as he has been less than responsive in the past. He may have moved on and may not want to reengage. How would you feel if he doesn’t respond?
Kanya
