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Hi Natasha, I’m so glad that you are reaching gout for some support. First I want to acknowledge you for what you and your husband have built together. You have 9 years of shared history and life which says a lot about your commitment.
It’s not uncommon for couples to go through ebbs and flows of connection in their relationship. You mention that you have three small children. Caring for children often takes up so much time and energy that we don’t always have time or energy to feed the relationship with our spouse. I wonder if this is what has happened for you and your husband?
The good news he has said he wants to work on things so his commitment is still there. Perhaps it is time to listen deeply to his concerns and see what he has been missing from the relationship. What would help him feel more connected to you? As I said, this is deep listening without reacting or judging what he is saying. And, I would imagine that there are things you miss about the closeness you used to have that could be prioritized in the relationship.
Start with more information and then begin to incorporate more of the behavior that makes you both feel loved and connected. Learn to give more priority to your relationship with your husband and enjoy your time together having fun rather than talking about what isn’t working. It may feel difficult at first because you haven’t treated each other like this is some time but it will get easier and more enjoyable. This is something you both need to focus some energy on in order to turn things around but I have faith that you and your husband can do this!
Kanya
Good Morning Ladies, Just wanted to say a quick hello to all of you participating on the site. My name is Kanya and I am one of the coaches here on Be Irresistible. I’ve enjoyed interacting and supporting you thus far and I look forward to helping you figure out how to approach some of your toughest situations. We all know relationships can be challenging at times but I, and everyone here at Be Irresistible is her to support you on this amazing journey!
Kanya
Hi Stacey, I can understand why your boyfriend’s need for space can seem unfair. Especially because you were so close in the first 2 months. Around the 2-6 month mark of a relationship one partner, often men, pulls back a bit. This can seem like a negative but actually it could be very positive. Men are not willing to move to the next level of a relationship unless he believes he can succeed in it. Belief in himself sometimes takes alone time to develop.
One thing most people don’t talk about is the reality that 2 people coming together and creating a life takes a lot of compromise! The need for space versus connection is a dance that all couples need to learn. Use this time to reconnect with your friends, get caught up on your life, and do the things you loved to do before you met him. Don’t just act happy, be happy! And as Laura shared, a lighthearted text that takes him smile and reminds him of how awesome you are will go along way.
All the best in love and life,
KanyaHi Christine, As Maria shared, there is a possibility that his daughter will not be able to move forward but I think that remains to be seen. I can imagine how difficult all of this is for you. I’m hoping that with time and patience he will be willing to open up the lines of communication and perhaps you can work things through.
You’ve known this family for three years. In your experience how have they resolved conflict in the past? My sense is their style will apply in this situation as well. Stay strong and do your best to communicate clearly and calmly when he is open to talking.
All the best in love and life,
KanyaHi Yuanting, It sounds as though you started to take some of James ideas to heart which is great. There is no doubt that relationships can be difficult at times. I acknowledge your commitment to better understanding and improving your relationship.
One thing that jumps out at me in what you shared about your recent text conversation is a dynamic I often see in couples. Women sometimes make a suggestion that they think will solve the problem they believe a man is having. While it is natural to want to help someone we love, the potential down side of this is that what we imagine is often different than what the man is experiencing.
Rather than suggesting he needs space, why not give him, and yourself, some space. It’s important that you do this from a loving place. You are both learning to navigate this relationship in a new way. Give yourself and each other some time to figure this all out.
I’m curious if you were able to apply some of James’ suggestions regarding opening up a bit more in a neutral way? I know if can be difficult, but saying something like, “I’m sorry I got upset. I know it’s silly but I guess I’ve just been missing you lately and feeling a bit insecure.” Give him the chance to help you feel better rather than pushing him into action. As James said, it is a way of bring up a topic without it sounding like an accusation. Give it a try and please let us know how it goes!
All the best in love and life,
Kanya
