[Kanya D]

I’m so glad it was helpful! True and lasting beauty comes from within and you dp are a beautiful woman!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Kirsty, you have had quite a lot of losses in the past few years. I acknowledge you for all that you have been through. As you said, you seem to have done a lot of soul searching these past few months and have come to come major realizations which is great. I would also suggest you work with a professional to help you continue to understand yourself and your behavior at even deeper levels. My sense is there may be reasons people have disconnected with you that would be helpful for yo to understand and learn from.

It sounds as though you and your boyfriend still have a solid connection which is great. I would suggest spending this time rebuilding a deep friendship as a foundation for creating more. If you incorporate the respect principle he will see past the hurt to the possibilities. You don’t mention what behaviors led to his leaving but if his hurt is deep it will take some time and patience to show him you are a different woman capable of a different relationship. Take your time, be a good friend, be supportive, and let him be supportive to you as well. Let him be your hero in small ways so that he begins to believe he can once again be your hero in big ways. Rather than asking him for another chance, show him the different woman you are and he will want to be with you. Desire which comes from within him is far more powerful. Take the time to rebuild with patience and love. You can do this!

All the best,
Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Shanna, I’m glad you found it! I love the 12 word text!

One thought I would offer is to take a look at The Art of Abundance Dating report. I think you would feel more empowered it you started to implement some of the ideas in the report. If this guy is truly a friend with benefits I would recommend you spent time dating other men. You’ll feel more empowered and I bet your friend would find you more alluring!

Also, let us know how the 12 word text works!

All the best,
Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi dp, What a great question! I think that as a society we are taught that it is all about sexual attraction for men but in my experience it is far more deep and complex than that. When men are in a relationship there are many things that fuel sexual desire. Connection, friendship, a safe place to land, knowing that he has someone who loves him to come home to. All of these things fuel sexual connection. If all he wanted was sex he wouldn’t be in a relationship. He wants more and you and he clearly have that.

Maybe it’s time to start to see more dimension within yourself. Recognizing all of your making qualities that you bring to the relationship will help you take the sole focus off of how you look. In the end everyone’s looks will fade but a true, heartfelt connection, like the one you two have, can stand the test of time!

All the best,

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Michelle, I’m glad that you are reaching out for some support. I can tell buy what you are sharing that figuring this out is really important to you at this time.

While it is understandable that you would want to get him back because in some ways it would alleviate the pain yo are feeling, I think it might be a good idea to take a step back and think this through a bit. It seems like you had a good connection initially which is a plus. He was clear that he wasn’t interested in anything serious but it sounds as if you are ready for something serious. If that is accurate I would encourage you to be true to yourself and to your desires. In other words, don’t be his friend with benefits unless the this really all you want. From what you shared my self is that you do want more. Many have gone down the path of accepting a friends with benefits situation in the hopes that it will turn into something else. From my experience this is a painful path and one I would not wish for you.

It’s time to regroup. First, stop texting him. No good will come of it at this point. He is not interested at this point. If you take a step back it gives him the opportunity to miss you, think about you, and potentially reconnect. Instead, refocus on your life, spend time with friends, get happy and balanced again. Then, decide what you truly want, write it down, and hold the vision. Say no to anyone that doesn’t share your vision.

If he resurfaces, play to cool. Don’t jump back in. Respond to his text messages (after waiting at least a few hours) but don’t initiate. He needs to work at getting you back to truly value you and your relationship. I know it’s hard but you can do this!

All the best,

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Kristen, You seem very balanced in how you are holding this situation. I acknowledge you as I know it is not always easy to do.

I’m so excited to hear that your plans are moving forward. It sounds like a change would be good for you on many levels. If this is truly something you are doing for yourself then I would embrace it and ask the Universe to open doors and provide support for this move.

I think you are wise to keep this to yourself for now since this is something that you are doing for yourself. I would echo James’ encouragement to get out there and meet new people. Spent time doing things you love so that you can meet people with similar interests. Even if you just increase your base of friendship and support I think it will be easier for you to move forward in creating the life you have been working towards.

Stepping back gives him the opportunity to let his life play out a bit. Hopefully he will learn more about himself and what he truly wants in a relationship. You have a lot of power when participating fully in your own life! I encourage you to make a list of the aspects that are important to you in a romantic relationship. Then create a vision board and hang it up where you will see it often. It will help you to stay focused on what you want and are creating!

All the best,
Kanya

[Kanya D]

This is a great intro to Alison’s work. I took her workshops years ago and one thing I will always remember is the idea that ‘men are not misbehaving woman.’ When we can begin to understand and embrace our differences the possibilities in a relationship are endless! And, I find her ideas also support the Respect Principle. Thanks for sharing, Laura!

[Kanya D]

Hi Denese, I’m sorry that he isn’t responding in a positive way. Perhaps he is still hurt and perhaps he does have a lot going on in his life. Most likely it is a combination of both. At this point I would stop trying so hard to win him back. Instead, take a step back and start to refocus on your life. Spend time with friends and doing things that make you feel confident and content again. Nothing is more attractive to a man than a happy woman.

It sounds as though you have apologized enough for him to realize how sorry you are. AS difficult as this is, you can learn from it and improve your future relationships as a result. Now might be a good time to give him some space. When we stop moving towards someone they have the opportunity to move towards us.

Have you had the opportunity to read James’ report “The Art of Abundance Dating?” I think it would be really helpful for you at this time. It offers a lot of great ideas about how to shift your focus and mindset in dating which leads to greater joy and more opportunities in dating that might be really exciting to you.

It’s free as a member of this site. You can find it, along with other reports, under the “Irresistable Insider” tab. Give it a read and let me know what you think.

While it is still unclear if your love interest will reengage, I do know that you can create an amazing relationship with a great guy-whether or not it is the guy you are currently thinking of.

All the best!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Leisa,

It sounds like you have been through a lot with this guy. I’m sorry it has been so confusing and painful. A few things come to mind for me on this one. It seems that he was able to share some of his concerns regarding his ability to have a relationship. If he is describing himself as empty and afraid of getting too close to someone then I think it is important for you to listen to him. My guess is this is how he has treated other woman and I would hate for you to go one feeling hurt by this person. It’s not that he is a bad person, on the contrary it sounds as if he has many great qualities. It’s just that he doesn’t seem capable, at this stage, of staying connected long enough to build the kind of relationship you deserve.

Often times we feel a ridiculous connection with someone who isn’t good for us. I know that sounds strange, but it is true. For a relationship to truly work you need more than a connection. You need compatibility outside of the bedroom, an ability to communicate, and most importantly the ability to stay close to someone even if it brings up uncomfortable feelings. Unfortunately, he doesn’t bring these aspects to the table.

Right now it’s important that you take care of yourself and recuperate. Connect with friends and family and start to feel strong and capable again. It will be easier to make a logical decision regarding this person when you are feeling whole again. Yes, logical because that needs to be present in your decision making. Feelings are fleeting and they can change quickly. Just because you care for one and other doesn’t mean you are a good match, will help each other feel loved, or bring out the best in each other.

I would also recommend you read the book “Attached, The New Science of Adult Attachment” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. I think it will help you understand why this man has such a hold on you and ways to become more empowered.

I can only imagine how vulnerable you feel right now. Please take care of yourself and get strong in your body, heart, and mind first. Then you can decide what you want to do with this situation. Remember, you are the prize that he needs to work for.

All the best in love and life,
Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Okafor, I just wanted to chime in and acknowledge you for reaching out for some support. You describe a really difficult situation and I imagine it is painful.

I agree with Laura’s thoughts and ideas. I also support you in seeking counsel from a friend, therapist, or religious leader to get ideas and support as you navigate this.

All the best,
Kanya

[Kanya D]

That is great, Kathy. If might be good to explore that a bit so that you are ready to apply the learnings in your next relationship. Reflecting back, what aspects do you think would have been helpful?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Kathy, It’s great that you are reaching out for support. I’m glad to hear that you are both able to speak with each other in a friendly and supportive way. This says a lot about your relationship and the foundation that you were able to build.

While I hear you talking about the financial settlement as something that has come between the two of you, I know there must have been things that led to the split that precipitated the settlement which are also part of the wall you sense around him. I get the sense that you may not be at peace with receiving a financial settlement. Most likely the settlement was fair and based on the laws of the state in which you reside. Perhaps there is a need for you to make peace with this so that you can move forward as well.

There was clearly a connection and a spark between the two of you that you may be able to build upon. Rather than trying to get him to ‘feel better’ about the financial settlement, why not look for ways to interact with him that would get his attention in a positive way. You can’t really solve the problems of the past but there is still a chance you can be the woman he wants and needs.

Just interacting is a great start. You shared that he is in the ‘King’ stage so look for ways to treat him like a king; acknowledge what he has created and built, make him feel special and capable, learn more about how a Queen interacts with a King.

Allison Armstrong talks about Kings needing a high level of praise so give this to him in a somewhat flirty way. If you haven’t already done so, please read James’ report “Compliments That Draw a Man Closer” for more detailed information about how to do this.

You may want to rethink the time he spent working in the past as something he was actually doing for you, his Queen! Often men work to built something so that they can share it with someone, not simply for their own satisfaction. Kings need to feel like heroes (think about the tales of King Arthur and the chivalry of him and his Knights) Think of ways you can ask him for help. Even if the help is small, find ways to help him be the hero in your life again.

All the best,
Kanya

[Kanya D]

This is an easy read but so full of good info! Thanks Laura!

[Kanya D]

As a note, I am a ‘Negotiator” according to Helen’s parameters.

[Kanya D]

Hi James, I wanted to let you know that I have been trying this procrastination cure in the last few days and it works! I can’t believe how productive I’ve been.

Thanks for sharing it.

Kanya

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