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Hi Andrea, Sounds like you have been on a bit of a roller coaster ride with this man. I’m sorry it has been so difficult and confusing.
I would recommend you take a step back for a few days to regroup. Right now you seem to be in a position where you are depending on him to make you feel good about yourself. This is a very vulnerable place for you and potentially and overwhelming experience for him. In regrouping I would recommend you spend time with your friends, do things that bring you joy and help you feel confident. In taking a break you can begin to look back and see the situation from a different perspective.
While men sometimes need space to regroup or think, from what I am understanding this man seems to have been unkind and uncaring to you at times. Being unkind is different than being distant. If his behavior has been unkind it is important for you to pay attention to that and take care of yourself. If a man is unkind or insensitive on purpose he doesn’t deserve you focus and energy. I’m concerned that you may be putting yourself in a difficult position by giving to him when perhaps you need to be focusing more energy on caring for yourself. For instance, buying him expensive sweets and nuts when you can’t afford it isn’t good for you. Take care of yourself and your needs first then you will have more to share with others.
Please take a week off from communicating with this man. Read through some of James reports and articles. I thing it wold be very helpful for you in getting some perspective and resetting yourself so to speak. You deserve to feel confident and strong and right now you feel the opposite of this so it is time to refocus! After a few days I think you may begin to develop a different perspective which will feel better than what you are currently feeling. Remember, you where a whole living being before this man and you can be again even if he is not giving you attention and love. You are very lovable even if he is not sharing his loving with you! Please take care of yourself, do some reading, and reach out in a few days to let us know how you are doing!
Kanya
Hi Lily, I acknowledge you for your commitment to your own growth and learning! You are doing a great job!
I’m glad that you are asking for some clarification on analytic mind versus intuition. I hear both in what you shared above. I find that when I am hearing my intuition I am at peace with the information even if it was not the outcome I envisioned. With my analytical mind I can have clarity but I won’t necessarily feel at peace.
I think your intuition is right in that it is time to move on, let him enjoy himself, and enjoy yourself as well. You will have an amazing relationship one day with a great man. Things may change in the future but there may also be someone else who does have more of the qualities you are looking for.
I’m looking forward to hearing how this goes for you!
Kanya
Hi Leah, I get the sense that perhaps you have overshared already so additional conversation is probably not needed. I don’t think that either or you was right or wrong in this scenario. When we go to the right/wrong place we can loss perspective so try to keep an open mind even though it may be uncomfortable and perhaps a new way of thinking.
I think that you both could have handled the situation differently. I encourage you to focus on learning more about the early stages of relationships and how you might do things in the future. I would do your best to put him out of your mind. You have spent a lot of time analyzing this and I would imagine you are quite exhausted at this point. I’m glad you are going to read the book on attachment as I think it will give you a lot of interesting insights about yourself and relationships! You can do this!!!
Kanya
HiLily, I’m sorry to hear that he has moved on and it will take some time for your heart to heal. I’m not sure why he invited you to stay with him, perhaps he did want to create a friendship with you perhaps for other reasons. Ultimately only he knows the answer to this.
You work will never be in vain if you use all that you are learning. If you take the emphasis over it working with one specific and focus instead on it working with ‘the’ then this is just confirmation that he isn’t the right guy for you. Cherish all you are learning and will learn as this wisdom will serve you well for the rest of your life! If you haven’t already done so I encourage you to read James’s report on The Art of Abundance Dating. Learning this skill will help you navigate the early stages of meeting and dating with much less heart break. You learn skills that will help you feel strong and confident in dating which is what you deserve!
Take a look and circle back with any questions or thoughts you may have.
All the best!
Kanya
Hi Andressa, When he calls, play it light and integrate the respect principle into your conversation. If he wasn’t interested he wouldn’t be calling you so you don’t need him to reinforce his feelings with you just yet. It sounds like you have only been dating for a week or two so it is too soon to expect you both to be ready for a relationship.
Look at the reports that James has provided on the Insider page and read up on Developing Confidence with Men, the Art of Flirting, and The Art of Abundance Dating. You will feel more confident when that call comes. Also, try to be the one who initiates the ending of the conversation. It is always best to leave him wanting more!
Let us know how it goes!
All the best,
KanyaHi Leah, I think it is a great idea to get some on going support from a coach or counselor. I think it is possible to be your authentic self without hiding parts of yourself and still move at a pace that doesn’t overwhelm the other person and doesn’t make you feel like you are holding back. I know, it sounds contradictory but it is possible to learn how to find the balance.
In terms of your question about how to be diplomatic when it seems as if a guy is messing up in the beginning. Part of what you see as him messing up in this situation may be related to unrealistic expectations on your part versus him messing up. You seemed to be expecting him to be further along than you were. You guys had been on one date and yes, he talked about getting together again but it was still fragile and unformed. To expect him to stay connected to you as often as you wanted was unrealistic at that point. And, it may be unrealistic for some partners when they are further along in the relationship.
I know it is a lot to figure out but keep learning and exploring. Read through some of Jame’s reports to learn more about the art of dating. I think you would find many of these really interesting. Find a counselor that you can connect with and together you can figure this out!
Kanya
Hi Leah, It sounds like you have been on quite a journey for the past few weeks. I’m so glad that yo are reaching out for some ideas and support!
I get the sense that perhaps that, in your mind, you built up this man and the relationship you thought you could have with him to an unrealistic level. Then, once you spent time with him you felt further ahead in the relationship than you really were. There wasn’t a relationship-you two had a date. When we build something up and live in the potential future we can get frustrated when things don’t live up to our expectations. This appears to be what happened to you. You were ready for more, feeling like you already had more, then were frustrated when things didn’t progress as imagined.
I think it’s best that you let this one go. There isn’t much to work with at this point and honestly I wonder if he is ready for a relationship given his recent break up. He most likely needs some time and would not have been ready even if things progressed more slowly.
You talk about getting rid of that awful feeling in the pit of your stomach. I would highly recommend the book “Attached; The Science of Adult Attachment” by Amir Levine. In it he describes 3 different types of attachment styles and how to work with each one. I think it would be very helpful for you and would give you ideas about how to handle those uncomfortable feeling which feel a bit out of control.
If you are in a similar situation in the future I would recommend you work at staying present with what is happening rather than jumping ahead to what could be. It is natural to want to fantasize but also important to be realistic and present. Even though you will want to communicate, do not over text! A new guide line is to let this new man initiate 90% of the texts. If you feel it bubbling over and you need to communicate, talk to a friend, write a letter you don’t send, journal, do anything besides text. You need to move slowly with your communication and adopt a ‘less is more’ mindset. Allow for an air of mystery. Let this man figure you out over time versus laying it all out for him.
You have the opportunity to use this situation to learn more about yourself and relationships. Read the book I recommended as well as the reports available to you on this site. In doing so you will build confidence and the ability to go slowly, step by step, in building a strong and solid relationship. You can do this!
All the best,
Kanya
Hi Karen, I’m so glad that you and your husband have come to such a powerful place. It sounds as if you are moving forward in a positive way with an amazing amount of potential for what the two of you can build.
While I’m not sure of any resource for men like what James is doing, I can say that John Gotten has some great books that men and woman can really relate to. His work is research based and presented in a way that really seems to get through to men. I suggest you and your husband take a look at his books and see which ones interest you the most. You can read them together and learn as you go. Again, I acknowledge you for your willingness to learn and grow together!
All the best,
Kanya
Hi Andressa, Somehow two separate copies of your question are on the site. I responded to the second one. Thanks!
Hi Andressa,
While it sounds as if you two are off to a good start, it is important to remember that is is just the beginning. In your words I got the sense that you are thinking of this man as your boyfriend and wondering why he isn’t acting more attentive. The thing is, he isn’t your boyfriend yet. Right now yo are two people who have a strong connection but are still getting to know each other. No commitment has been made to a relationship at this point. I would caution you to treat him like your boyfriend until he has made that commitment. This could take weeks or months but there are things you can do to move in that direction.
I like that you are using the curiosity technique. This, along with other techniques James teaches, such as the respect principle, will be important to incorporate at this time. Also, it would be good for you to shift your focus back to your own life at this time. It sounds as if too much energy is being place on this man and a potential relationship. This can start to feel overwhelming or stifling to a man so take a big step back. Let him initiate texts and let him know how busy and happy you are in your own life. Men need to know that we have things under control and that we won’t need them to take care of basic needs for us.
Don’t just pretend to be busy, actually be busy. When he initiates a next date (which I believe he will given time) don’t be completely available to him. Say no once in awhile to give him the chance to put some effort into winning you over. If you make it too easy it won’t be as interesting. That is just the way a man’s brain works. He likes a challenge, he likes needing to use his wits to figure something out. Remember, you are the prize that he needs to win not the other way around.
You two just met each other last week. DOn’t rush this or else it might burn out quickly. Instead, learn to build a slow fire that grows and strengthens with time! Keep reading more of James material and take a step back. If you haven’t already done so, make plans with your friends for New Year’s Eve so you take the pressure off for him being available.
Remember, don’t just pretend to be busy, be busy with a rich and full life. This will be far more interesting to him than a woman who feels like she is sitting around waiting for him! You can do this!
All the best,
Kanya
Hi Hattie, From what you shared it sounds as though you have spent some time interacting with your old high school flame which seems to have reawakened feelings for him. And, you are wondering if he feels the same way. First steps seem to be connecting more, in person or on the phone rather than electronically, and continuing to get reacquainted with one and other.
I would begin to share your appreciation for him as well as the feelings you are having. Go slowly and see how he responds. Give him space to think and respond. Being honest and authentic in your conversations will be a big plus! Enjoy these feelings and go step by step!
Good luck and let us know how it goes!
Kanya
Hi Lily, I’m so glad that you are enjoying and getting call from “Men’s Secret Obsession.” James is so amazing at teaching women how to communicate and really understand men. I use his teachings all the time as well!
I acknowledge your insight and the ways in which you have been willing and able to move past the difficult times in your life. You are an amazing, strong woman!
All the best,
KanyaHi Lily, I’m glad you’re reaching out for some thoughts and support. It is clear that you have strong feelings for him and he for you. What is not clear is where this will ultimately go. I agree, it would not be in your best interest for this to become a fling as it seems that your feelings for this man run deep and a fling would most likely leave your hurting and wanting more.
I imagine several things that Laura might mean by open and intimate conversation. Being honest, clear about what you want and need, taking responsibility for your feelings and reactions, letting this person in and being vulnerable. These conversations don’t need to be long or heavy, just real.
When you talk about seeing this person in February I sense that you are unclear about what this means. Perhaps you are trying to figure out what this means to him and then trying to know how to respond to that. This is a common thing that woman do when they are interested in a man. However, it would be better for you to get clear about what you want and decide if staying with this person is the best, most supportive things for you. Rather than staying with him, maybe just spend time with him during the trip and stay somewhere else. This would give him a chance to miss you and may create some longing in him. You mention that you wonder if you are too eager to please. Really look at your behavior and if this is accurate, pull back and stop focusing on him so much. Instead, focus on you. Keep checking in to see what you want and if this man can give that to you. This will help you build your confidence as you become your own biggest advocate!
If you want him to accompany you to the red carpet event, ask him simply. Let him know you have an event and you would love for him to join you. Emphasis the fun aspects as men enjoy being playful and having fun. Have a back up plan in case he is not able to join you.
You brought up an important aspect-boundaries. Being able to set boundaries is important, even between friends. Doing so is a way that intimacy grows. Again, figure out what works for you and set appropriate boundaries. It is more important to advocate for your needs than to please him. I know that might seem counter intuitive but it is important. Relationships require two people to be independent as well as interdependent. This can be tricky in the beginning but over time it gets easier.
Enjoy the positive texts and let him know when he does make you happy as this is clearly something he values! Keep practicing flirting and building romantic intimacy in ways that are fun and empowering! You’re doing great!
All the best,
Kanya
